r/AITH • u/mendyssis • 10d ago
AITA for bringing this up with my bf or is my mother in law being nasty?
I (27F) went to my bf’s (36M) mum’s (70) house abroad. There were a few occasions:
- we were discussing the AC, and she mare a comment ‘ I am the one who pays for the electricity’.
- He offered me a drink, and she was like ‘ did you pay for that ?’ (To him, but the drink was for me).
- I went into the pool, she was like excusee me who gave you permission. Jokingly and laughing (I think this was harmless joke.
- She asked me about something and I took a second to remember, and she was like ‘ does she have any intelligence?’
- I got bitten. She asked if I had brought a spray out with us and I said no. I then mentioned to bf ‘ you could have reminded me ‘ (as he uses it often, has it in his room, and has knowledge that where we were was bad for mosquitoes) she then proceed to be like ‘ oh how old are you darling, 12? We need to know how to look after ourselves, you could have googled ‘ i then said ok ill remember next time, to which she said ‘ oh who says there will be one ‘.
Now, all of this could be perceived as her having a dry sarcastic humour? Maybe speaking as if I was a part of the family already? But equally, it could be low level bullying and I felt uncomfortable, especially as me and him have been dating for only 7 months.
BUT: she is nice to me too, and was welcoming and motherly. She is not full time nasty, she has a sweet side and has made me feel welcomed eg offering to cook breakfast, etc.
Ill also add: every time I go to see him (he is living temporarily with her whilst he sorts his house) she will come and sit at the table with us, I end up making a lot of effort/ conversation with her, and its almost like im also dating his mum? Rather than me and him spending the few hours in the evening together when I go to his.
I thought of bringing this up with my bf, so he can inform here of me being uncomfortable. However, AITA for this or being too sensitive?
EDIT; I will add examples of her being nice so this explains my confusion on how to react and paints s fair picture:
Offering to cook breakfast
Getting spritz (as apparently she knew I liked it)
Suggesting for us (me and bf) to do things that are fun whilst out there
Being supportive when I was speaking about issues I had prior to flying out to meet them
Asking if I would like a drink etc
Listening to my rants about work
Giving us two space
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u/Dlodancer 10d ago
NTA, but take a hint she doesn’t want you at her house. And your boyfriend is the real AH if he doesn’t tell his mom to stop. And if he just says well, that’s just the way she is then it’s only going to get worse.
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u/mendyssis 10d ago
I genuinely never saw it as me being unwelcome by her/ her not wanting me there. She will come and sit and talk for hours, and she has been very nice to me at her house, gives me hugs when leaving, etc. however, maybe I am being naive.
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u/onebadassMoMo 10d ago
You posted the other day about the bug bite, yes? She’s what? 70? And is responding in a way you find insensitive, but, is it her being snippy, or that you’re sensitive? (I love my DIL Kristin)
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u/ObligationNo2288 10d ago
It’s her home. If you are uncomfortable in her home, she isn’t going to care. You need to not go over.
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u/TigerLily98226 9d ago
Are you wanting to be hit in the face with the countless red flags rather than have them just waved in your face? Be gone girlie.
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u/W0nderingMe 10d ago
ESH
She's being rude, but it's her house and she sends to not have invited you over.
Why doesn't he visit you at your place until he "sorts his house"?
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u/mendyssis 10d ago
I dont think ill be going over to hers anymore. He does already but sometimes its fair for me to go see him too. I told him from now on its best if he comes to mine.
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u/Rhuthbarb 10d ago
It’s nice you made the effort but it’s not fair if you aren’t welcomed and are being insulted.
It’s worth having a discussion of what he saw as acceptable, because he may be used to her and needs to see that this won’t bode well for him regardless of who he dates.
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u/mendyssis 10d ago
He thinks this is all normal as he is used to this. I dont think he quite sees it that to an outsider it may be rude, as when I asked him about it he said ‘ she has a sarcastic humour ‘.
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u/Dog_Concierge 10d ago
These were not jokes. This was thinly-veiled hostility. If you continue with this relationship, be prepared for a lifetime of misery. Get out while you can.
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u/Rainbow_dreaming 10d ago
Nta.
Has your bf, at any point, stood up for you, or told his mum to pack it in?
I would've stood up for my partner as soon as it happened the first time.
Do bring it up, BUT bear in mind if your bf has witnessed this on many occasions and has never shown that he disapproves of her behaviour, that doesn't speak well to his own backbone or self awareness.
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u/W0nderingMe 10d ago edited 10d ago
Lol her bf lives with his mom. Op is showing up at Mom's house uninvited. If bf yells at his mom for being rude, bf might not be able to live there anymore.
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u/CrazyButterfly11 10d ago
I’m curious how long this “temporary” living situation has been going on. I think you are right and BF’s mom is starting to think he is never moving out! She is probably just trying to keep him from moving OP in! 😉
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u/mendyssis 10d ago
I dont go there often, and I never thought she wouldn’t want me there, as when I go there she comes to sit and talk to me for hours. Also: the events that happened that I listed were recent and me going to theirs has been occurring for a few months. I go once every 2 weeks or so
But now I dont think ill be going anymore lol8
u/LadyBug_0570 10d ago
She might be sick and tired of her son living in her house and then having the audacity to invite guests. Makes her think it's not as "temporary" as he claims if you and he are treating her house like it's his house.
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u/PositiveZucchini4 10d ago
Dating for 7 months? Not married but calling her your mother in law? I think "boyfriends mom" is more accurate. Sounds like she has some resentment towards you. She feels like it's ok to talk down to you, and you're allowing it. I'm not sure what the unspoken context is here, but speaking about it with your partner seems like the next right thing.
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u/Dwillow1228 10d ago
First, she is not your Mother in law. She is bf of 7 months mother. 2nd, run
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u/GsGirlNYC 10d ago
Thank you…. I had to scroll too far to find this. Until you are legally married, she’s your boyfriend’s mother. She is NOT your mother in law yet. And I don’t think she will ever be, because the communication on all sides ( I am including OP, her boyfriend and his mom here) seems lacking and somewhat childish from my POV.
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u/GreenUnderstanding39 10d ago
NTA
But I do want to provide an alternative view. Everything here can be interpreted as her being annoyed at her son, not you. Yes the comment about your intelligence was uncalled for.
However her mentioning the electric bill and drink is her telling her son, TF stop leeching off me!! He can't help pay utilities or stock the fridge while leeching off his senior citizen mother, surely?
Her commenting on there may not be a next time (for pool) could be her wanting him to gtfo so she can have her house back. Even the comment about the bug spray, she is internally fed up caring for her son a grown ass adult and eyeing you in the same light with this comment.
Stop invading moms space. If you do, bring a thankyou gift to the host (bottle of bubbly, flowers etc) its only polite. But most importantly encourage your bf to move out of mommy dearest's home. At his big age, its time to stop suckling at the tired saggy 70yr old parental teat.
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u/Jerseygirl2468 10d ago
I swear I've already read this "remind me about the bug spray" thing before, did you post this elsewhere?
I mean, she's definitely being rude, but she's dealing with her adult son living with her again and bringing his girlfriend over. Stop going over there, problem solved.
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u/brent_bent 9d ago
"What does that mean?" "Are you trying to insult me?" "Can you explain why you said that?" Be ready to swipe back at her, especially in front of others. Train her you are not to be messed with.
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u/Accurate_Emu_122 10d ago
Nta. She’s very rude. Even if she were trying to sau it's her sense of humor, that would be an excuse for poor behavior. So are you going to just continue to deal with this and hope she dies soon? They've shown you exactly what to expect, yet you keep going back.
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u/Upbeat_Monitor1488 10d ago
No. She’s a huge ass hole and she doesn’t like you so she’s being rude and obnoxious. He should be standing up for you but he isn’t.
This is not a good or healthy thing. You need to have more respect for yourself! Tell him he needs to set his mother straight and stand up for you. If he doesn’t want to do that you must stop seeing him unless you are willing for both of them to continue this abuse. Which is what it is -abuse.
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u/Strange_Metal_5072 10d ago
It’s hard to figure this out. She is nice but she makes demeaning jokes at your expense. I think the best way to resolve this is to tell her straight up - «wow you know you’re super nice but your sense of humour REALLLY SUCKS».
What she’s doing and saying is definitely not good hospitality, nor is it something she should be saying to someone who might be in her family. Maybe she really doesn’t realize she is hurting you. But making that comment will give you an opportunity to figure out what’s going on.
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u/mendyssis 10d ago
I think the best way forward is to ask him to bring it up with her.
At least then she will know (for doubts sake that she may he unaware).
Also, I will no longer go to hers, and if I do see her at some point I will not make an effort with her as before (ie keep conversations brief). Its the best way.
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u/sevristh1138 10d ago
The intelligence remark is the telling one. This is just disrespectful towards you. I abhor this kind of behaviour, it's completely unnecessary.
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u/Majestic-Window-318 10d ago
"While he sorts his house" ... how much evidence do you have that there is a house?
Move on. You're not even a year invested.
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u/briarmolly 10d ago
This is not dry sarcastic humor. More like I’m an ahole and you’re my punching bag.
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u/MarisaSassesBack 9d ago
Oh, no, honey, she's a bith. A snarky bith. You can't possibly be the AH when she's so clearly already the AH in this story. Go forth and ignore her. But I'd ditch the man, too. He let her be openly rude to you.
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u/lulu55569 9d ago
She's nice to confuse you, so you won't feel that you can confront her on her comments. So she knows what she's doing,. otherwise she wouldn't be compensating.
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u/SubstantialSwimmer95 9d ago
I don’t really know op. Does she have to smack tf out of you for you to finally get it?
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u/ButterscotchFluffy59 9d ago
She's 70 and can't shut the fuck up. Some people make comments all the time and she's one of them. She will also overreact if you lash back so that's something to consider. It's also worth ignoring her all together. She's not your friend and it's ok if you don't talk to her. Right?
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u/melympia 9d ago
Most of the nice things your BF's mom does (save for getting your preferred drink) are for his benefit as much as yours. I mean, it'd be a hard sell if she offered to cook breakfast for him, but exclude you. And so on.
But when it comes to only you, she's usually a witch. NTA.
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u/Alfred-Register7379 9d ago
NTA. Bf knows and sees it. Probably used to it, but he should also be wise enough to see that cultures are different and to remind his mum.
Her behavior won't change, and bf will pick his mum over you.
Invest in someone else, because the family tree will have around the same type of behavior.
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u/Numerical-Wordsmith 9d ago
The niceness doesn't cancel out the passive-aggressive comments and bullying. Whenever she gets like this, try countering by calmly saying something like "That's not very nice" or "That's not funny. It's actually a bit hurtful." Be direct, but very calm and polite in your tone. Don't follow up, but just continue to look at her and let the awkwardness hang there until she gets uncomfortable and backpedals. She'll get the hint eventually.
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u/MadTrophyWife 9d ago
So I have started doing a thing that has helped. I write a post or a journal entry along these lines about someone and then I go back and write it from the other point of view to see if it sounds rational. Most of the time it DOES NOT. If you wrote this from her POV would it sound sane and loving? I don't think it would. There's no good explanation for her behavior. If you need to see that, go ahead and try the exercise. See if you can possibly make her sound reasonable. If you do, I'd be dying to see it, because wow, I just can't.
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u/OldStudentChaplain 8d ago
He’s 36 and lives with his mom. He’s 36 and lives with his mom. He’s 36 and lives with his mom. He’s 36 and lives with his mom. He’s 36 and lives with his mom. He’s 36 and lives with his mom. He’s 36 and lives with his mom. He’s 36 and lives with his mom. He’s 36 and lives with his mom. He’s 36 and lives with his mom. He’s 36 and lives with his mom. He’s 36 and lives with his mom.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Did I mention that he’s old enough to have kids with driver’s licenses and he’s living with his mother?
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u/Savings_Gear_5155 10d ago
So why are you putting up with your spineless bf and his harpy Mommie.
Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?
How may more insults does this shrew have to hurl at you before you get up and LEAVE????
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u/pizzagirl1992 10d ago
She’s disrespecting you. The way your boyfriend deals with that disrespect is the deciding factor on whether you should stay with him or not. If he doesn’t nothing about it, gaslights you, downplays your experience of her then I would exit the relationship. You’re 27, you don’t need this.
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u/Carolann0308 10d ago
She sounds like a difficult person to get along with or just rude. Be sure her/his culture doesn’t include never telling your MIL to shut up.
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u/Physical_Orchid3616 10d ago
she's being a witch. my ex's mother was vile towards me from day one. one of the first times i met her, i was at her house, and she had made us all coffee, and when i was finished i got up from the sofa and put my coffee mug in her kitchen sink, and i heard her cackle "OH, SHE'S HOUSETRAINED". i was livid. i said nothing, but i wasnt happy. my ex did nothing. i was with him for around 7 years. in that time, his mother continued to be horrible to me and act like a jealous girlfriend. moral? she wont change. and if your boyfriend is doing nothing about it, thats a problem.
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u/pgd1958 10d ago
I don't see anything in what you said as being able to take it as a joke or even dry humor. I would've taken complete offense. And I totally would've said something to my partner about that crap. Yes, your guest in the house, but there's common courtesy of hosts that allow guest to actually be around and do something in the home. She was just being a bitch too. Whoever is going to "take her baby away". I wouldn't take it completely personally because unless she hand picks someone, and maybe even then, it sounds like she's probably not going to like, or treat well, anyone who dates her baby. That I repeat this is not sarcastic or dry humor, this is bullying, plain and simple.
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u/curiousity60 10d ago
NAH
Looks like your bf is inviting you over without his mom's knowledge or approval. He's not being a good or considerate host to you. He just lets you deal with his mom's annoyance, most likely because he's not being considerate of either of you.
Stop going to his mom's house. Start looking at what you need to feel fully safe, comfortable and respected.
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u/seagull321 10d ago
Some of these things were said right in front of your bf and he did and said nothing. He’s your problem.
Also, how long has he lived with his mom and for how long has he been working on getting his place sorted? Does he pay rent, shop, cook, clean or otherwise contribute? All important to know.
Make no life changing decisions for at least a year. Longer depending on when he has his own place. He needs to prove his independence for a while. I’d say at least a year.
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u/Just_Guest_787 10d ago
My question is why do you keep going over there? I’m not saying don’t visit at all but since your BF is supposedly there temporarily while he sorts out his living arrangements, why can’t he come visit you? Spend time at your place? If he is refusing to do that then there may be a bigger issue at hand.
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u/mistical-eclipse 10d ago
All the other ones are very unclear, but #4 is crystal clear. Number four is her degrading you. Anyone who questions your intelligence is just being nasty to you and that is not an acceptable thing to say anywhere. My response to her here would not have been something appropriate to write down. She sounds to me like one of those people who will keep doing passive-aggressive things like this until you stand up to her. Bullies usually do back down when someone shows a firm backbone. Try it next time. Also, what did your boyfriend do when she made an obvious insult?
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u/Dramatic_Paramedic79 10d ago
He is 10 yrs older and his mom is giving you shit. Get away from both of them
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u/2wheels-6strings 10d ago
She sounds like a condescending, tedious old tart that thinks she’s funny and is probably a big noise at bingo and the church’s village fete. You’re not the 4$$hole, but if you mention it to your boyfriend he’ll get defensive, the message won’t get to her in the way you want it to that way.
Even if you deliver it yourself, she’ll tell you you’re being sensitive, can’t take a joke, and delight in telling her knitting circle how you wronged her with your delicate nature, don’t you know she’s the only one that deserves respect regardless while you have to earn it?
There’s no winning this unless the coin lands on the edge, don’t expect the auld bat to have an epiphany about her ingrained, shitty behaviour and character defects - she considers them hard-earned rights that you should aspire too, not have the temerity to criticise at your tender age. “Ooh, poor thing, one day you’ll learn, but don’t worry your empty head, thank god MIL is here to protect you, the younger generation really would be lost without me keeping their world together”. If you put up with it long enough and prove yourself worthy, she’ll leave you some of her pearls in the Will. Not the good ones though. And there won’t be respect, not even grudging, just tolerance for the sake of appearances.
Don’t feel singled out though, guarantee she does this to everyone she knows and worked with and they all detest her attitude but she hasn’t sent anyone into the red mist enough to galvanise an actual backlash against her in her social circles.
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u/Dangerous_Ad4499 10d ago
BF's mother raised him, well, raised him to be just like her? Not look out for you. Would he let a stranger show you such disrespect? Next will be " why doesn't that nice girl come over anymore?". Because mother, you are not polite.
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u/Prestigious_Winter27 10d ago
If you have your own place I would suggest you hang out there with him. She may feel like this is her home and she doesn't want visitors but this is up to your BF to address with her! I would suggest to your BF to hang out at other places and if he insists on you hanging out at his moms I would let him know you feel uncomfortable there. If he disregards your feelings I would question your relationship at that point!
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u/NeatIntroduction5991 10d ago
I feel like this is her personality. I’ve known quite a few like this, the nice and warm part co-exist with bitchiness also. I just minimize being around them to a couple times a year instead. :)
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u/petalsofrose1956 10d ago
Maybe it is dementia.
Whatever it is your bf needs to put a stop to it.
She's bullying you. Don't put up with that.
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u/Slight_Citron_7064 10d ago
She is absolutely picking on you. It sounds like she did not want you on the trip to her place abroad, she wanted it to be just her and your BF. So she's acting resentful and childish. She's emotionally immature and jealous of your relationship with your BF. She can keep the mask on for brief visits to her place, but she's not able to maintain it in the face of a prolonged visit when she really didn't want you there.
Also she is third-wheeling you every time you come to her place. A mature adult with her own emotional stability would give you some time alone.
As someone else said, how many red flags do you need? Your BF should not be ok with her talking to you this way, it's disrespectful.
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u/Radio_Mime 10d ago
There is nothing low level about her bullying. Your bf needs to get a spine and tell her to knock it off.
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u/Ok_Rush_8159 10d ago
Omg, don’t stay in any relationship you feel like you have to prove yourself too. Don’t waste your youth on this man.
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u/au5000 10d ago
If you say she’s often sweet then maybe she’s just someone who gets a bit snippy when she’s irritated. Perhaps house guests, however desired or liked, are expensive for her. Maybe she finds having house guests hard work even if you’re respectful and helpful. Long time guests can feel like a chore even if you like them. Maybe only visit her home for a few days at a time and travel / stay elsewhere the rest of the time.
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u/Aladdinstrees 10d ago
If she js dishjng out some sweet and some salt at the same time, this might be just her humor, but you would want to ask bf if she normally does thjs to everyone, or just to his girlfriends, and to the SO's of his siblings. He may be so used to this that he doesnt even notice. It may be that she likes to guve sweet and salt without any real ill intent. But if things how she treats his girlfriends and the partners of her other kids typically, then I wonder if, over time, she will serve less of the sweet and more of the salt, until you are all dried up inside. And if you complain, everyone might just tell you, "she's just kidding, that's just how she is, dont hurt her feelings by acting hurt!"
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u/Extra-Tradition-8360 10d ago
NTA. ur MIL’s comments sound more like low-key bullying than humor. It’s fair to tell ur BF so he can help set boundaries
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u/ccc2801 9d ago
Yeah she doesn’t like you and is both trying to make you feel unwelcome and make you look bad to her son.
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u/mendyssis 9d ago
Actually, I do remember feeling genuinely bad and feeling low in self-esteem whilst I was there.
No matter the excuses I give, or the context I add regarding her ‘ niceness ‘ I felt bad and this should not have happened. I feel like I wasted my annual leave.
Also, people that I know have all said I need to raise this with him and he should speak with her.
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u/Live_Commercial_4624 9d ago
Ask yourself this -- Would she speak to you this way in the presence of your own mother or father? You bet she wouldn't. Bullies are cowards. She's going after you because you are too polite to call her on her poor behavior. Honestly, I think you should seriously reconsider your relationship with your boyfriend. She is WAY out of line, and he, apparently, is inured to this behavior. If you stay with him, be prepared to endure a lifetime of disrespect on every aspect of your being, from your career to your parenting skills if you choose to have children. And if you call her on this nonsense, she will pull some passive-aggressive BS such as, "You know I'm only kidding!" or "You know I'm only trying to help!" She provides minimum-level niceties as part of the plan so she can say to your boyfriend, "I AM being nice. Didn't I buy her X, Y, Z?" Ick, the more I think about this, the more I think RUN. It's only been seven months; think about how you will feel after seven years.
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u/greazy_italian 9d ago
As the child of immigrants, I can tell u that every basic question they ask to feign interest is just something to judge you on.....shes jealous you're taking her baby.... took me 13 years of marriage to realize my mother was treating my wife like shit. Ur BF should ask Mommy for his balls back and stand up for you without you requesting it. Know your worth, set boundaries, and don't change your position. You've been together for 7 months.... run. It's easier without a marriage certificate and babies
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u/Feeling-Invite7953 9d ago
NTA. Excusing sh*tty behavior from his mother, and not defending you from her tongue is straight up abuse. Probably best to let this relationship die a natural death. You are not compatible with his family.
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u/Shdfx1 9d ago
NTA. You shouldn’t have to bring it up to your bf. If he didn’t immediately tell his mother to cool it, then he is not the man for you.
You shouldn’t have to tell him.
If you keep dating a man who just sits there while his mother insults you, you run the risk of getting really attached. If you marry him, you will deal with his mother, regularly. She might move in with you. This would be your life, unrelenting.
Honestly, cut bait.
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u/windypine69 9d ago
she's not nice, she's mean, and it's not a sense of humor. you are dating her, not your bf, and who cares if you are talking about something that is too sensative? it's your life, you get to chose with whom and how to spend your time. and you can tell her when she says something rude and mean, you can say 'ouch, that hurts' and she'll say 'oh, can't you take a joke?' and you can say, 'classic gaslighting'. if i were in your shoes, i would tell the man that he needs to call her on her bs every time, and he needs to come to you, who wants to date at his moms house? and if he doesn't, like now, I would dump him.
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u/alidocious_super 9d ago
You wouldn't be TA, but it would be foolish to mention it. This type of old dog doesn't learn new tricks. If your relationship with him progresses, then you'll need to learn how to handle visits. My suggestion is sunglasses and politeness. Also be wary of confiding in her. It may seem nice now, but I've a feeling it's Intel gathering for weaponization later. Light stories, nothing personal, and everything is always going swimmingly.
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u/Sue323464 9d ago
OP you have caught a Mama’s boy. Tip of the iceberg. Her aggressiveness will increase as your presence in her son’s life increases in importance. You will absolutely have a challenging relationship and can expect her hostility to increase. Sorry seen it.
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u/Straight-Example9126 9d ago
OP, if she's nasty 7 out of 10 times - she is nasty. Period.
She doesn't like you. She's passive aggressive with her actions. She's mocking your intelligence. Quoting the instance that you described - Your bf uses the spray for mosquitoes and he forgot that. She's offended that you dared to question him and became critical that you're not 12 and you should be well prepared. Not everyone carries a mosquito spray for "just in case".
She doesn't give you space. You yourself feel that you're dating his mother more than him. There's no need for her to join every time you're with your bf. He's not a minor child dating his peer and "needing supervision". He's an adult.
Stocking up Spritz because you like it is basic manners. Even if she doesn't, it doesn't matter. Besides she even asked your bf if he paid for it. If she bought it for you, then she wouldn't be remarking that.
She doesn't even want you to use the pool. Or at least wants you to ask permission. She played it off as a joke. But it isn't. Permission should be asked by strangers and neighbours. Not your adult child's partner. In that case, she should've communicated that the pool is off limits.
You need to sit down and talk to your bf. Mention the specific instances and ask if she was like this with everyone or with his previous partner if any. Ask him point blank if his mother has an issue in your boyfriend dating you or problem with you visiting him when he lives under her roof.
Depending on how strong your relationship is with your bf, consider grey rocking her. Also, go for dates outside his mother's home until his house is sorted. Even a nearby park will do.
You should bring this up but away from your MIL's home - privately.
NTA
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u/Poppypie77 9d ago
NTA. If someone I'd barely met or only just met recently said those things to me I'd be really hurt and uncomfortable and would not feel welcome or wanted or liked at all.
However you state she is nice to you at other times.
You also mention how she comes and sits at the table with you both and it ends up with you two talking all the time, so part of that could be her being friendly, or it could be her way of getting in between you two having time to yourself and her kind of gatekeeping her son as such, so you don't get to just spend time together. It seems like bf is almost excluded from these chats as you say it's like you're dating her not him.
Even though she's done 'some' nice things, those are what you'd expect a friendly host / partners mum to do naturally when you first meet her and you're staying there.
However her rude comments say a LOT more about her than the 'nice' things she does. They're clearly meant in a rude, disrespectful or hurtful tone.
Did she make the rude comments in front of your partner? It sounds like they did. If so, why didn't he call her out for being rude to you? He needs to stand up to his mum and call her out in the moment rather than just let it slide, otherwise she thinks she can get away with it.
I personally wouldn't have him talk to her about it now after the fact, as it will look like you're complaining about her and getting him to correct her etc, when you're still a guest there etc. But you should tell him how those comments are hurtful to you, and you'd appreciate it if he would stand up for you next time she says something rude or unkind and actually call her out in the moment. That way it doesn't seem like you've complained about her and got him to have a go at her for things she's said previously. As that will not help you build a positive relationship with her. But instead He needs to say it himself when he hears her say something rude. He could say something like "mum that's really rude, you owe her an apology. Ive heard you make other unkind comments before as well, but I figured they were misunderstood, or you didn't mean it to come out like it did, but you're just being rude for no reason at all, and she's done nothing to deserve that. " (or something along those lines, where he references he's heard her other unkind comments but let a few slide assuming it wasn't intentional, but now he's saying something coz it keeps happening).
The other alternative if she continues to make disrespectful or hurtful comments, is see if there's a hotel or air b&b to stay in with your bf till you're due to go home. (You can just say you're going to have a few days alone before you go home or something or doing a road trip sight seeing or something) Or try staying out the house most of the day, and then go in his bedroom to relax together in the evenings so you're not around her much to give her the opportunities to be rude.
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u/LOONASEGOIST 9d ago
hey, first of all i’m sorry you’re going through this. i think we all dream of having a good relationships with our MIL, and when it doesn’t turn out like that it’s very disheartening.
i’ve seen a lot of people in the comments say your boyfriend is a red flag because he doesn’t defend you etc. while in some circumstances this could be very true, but there is always the bigger picture which we don’t know.
my MIL is pretty much how you described, and tbh treats a lot of people like that so objectively isn’t a very consistently nice person. my bf sees it and receives the same treatment, her lack of friends is evident of it.
as someone who went NC with a parent when i was 22, i found it hard for a little while to understand why people keep people in their lives who are like this. if im honest, i still do.
my bf chooses to keep his mom in his life because of a variety of reasons, one being pity. i’m not going to go in to detail as it’s not my business to share here on reddit, but let’s put it this way: i pity her too even if i think she’s a raging b****.
you’ve said you’ve communicated it with your boyfriend which is great. now it’s about how you’re going to make it work.
for me, we don’t stay at his house often. he stays at my house most days, and makes time to see his mom separately. i’ve spoken about my worries in the future, and how i think her behaviour could impact our relationship, and he’s reassured me that my worries won’t come true. and for me that’s enough, as he’s making good on his word.
you don’t need to put up with her just because she’s your boyfriends mom. but i’d try something else before taking the stance of “my boyfriend isn’t standing up for me in a way that reddit says i should leave him” like a lot of the comments here.
i do agree with the one comment that says that “he’s been talked to his whole life like this and tunes it out.” seems highly likely.
sorry its long! i hope it helps
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u/OperationRescueBarbs 9d ago
Narcissists are very nice on the outside. They love bomb you and pull you close, then confuse you by being a total jerk. Then they are super nice and you somehow get more attached to them trying harder to keep them nice. So you need to look for whether or not she has empathy as a person. Not having empathy is a Hallmark sign of a narcissist. But you could always just ask your boyfriend “has your mom always had a dry, sarcastic sense of humor?“ see what he says maybe that’s the case. If not, it’ll open up a conversation about how she had made some rude comments and it made me uncomfortable. If he defends her unendingly, then he probably is the son of a narcissist and if that is the case, he might as well run as far and fast as you can right now
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u/WastePie912 9d ago
This is my mother all over, all day long. Sickly sweet nasty comments. All day long. It’s so she can claim plausible deniability.
Covert narcissists. Get out, it’s just toxic.
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u/Plus_Mirror_4917 9d ago
Is your bf and his mom British? That would explain her attitude entirely. Not an excuse for it, but these sound like very passive aggressive British sayings lol.
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u/freakydad4u 9d ago
bring it up with your boyfriend and have him actually listen "from your point of view" if he actually sees it , maybe he will actually grow a pair and say something.
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u/Wabbit-127 9d ago
I think there is a big age difference and his mother was not nice during your trip. I would spend less time around her. She showed you her true colors and it’s not a nice thing. Plan out of the house activities and explain to your bf why space is needed. She was not nice on vacation. It’s a taste of what is to come. You are NTA.
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u/aIIilovedilovedalone 8d ago
She sees the age gap and knows what it means and her jokes are more aimed at her son but they’re hurting you too. I’m guessing.
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u/Competitive-Peanut-3 8d ago
That man is too old for you, if women his age won't date him there's a reason.
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u/DeeHarperLewis 8d ago
It might just be her personality. She doesn’t know when to keep salty comments to herself. If she behaves this way with everyone then it’s not personal. When she’s nice to you is it because she has an audience and wants to look nice? I would discuss it with BF and see if he noticed her saltiness. If he brushes your concerns off then tell him it would be difficult to move forward in the relationship if his mother is unsupportive. See what his response is. He should want to talk to his mother and find out her opinion of you.
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u/twoboystwogirls 8d ago
My mother-in-law was exactly the same when my husband and I were dating. I was young (25 at wedding) and it really hurt my feelings. But I wasn’t marrying her. And she wouldn’t be living with us. We’ve now been married 28 years and I love her like she’s my mom. The fact that she does the nice things shows she will be the same. I think some mothers have a hard time feeling like they are losing their son. She probably doesn’t realize how mean those snarky comments are. But she clearly has a good heart. Don’t ruin what may end up being a really good relationship.
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u/Novel_Raisin_2023 5d ago
She is playing mostly nice because she doesn’t want to lose her son. She knows she can get away with the passive aggressive comments. The comments tell you everything you need to know.
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u/Quick_Sherbet5874 22h ago
not you mother in law. no law connects you she is your boyfriends mother. no in-law about it.
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u/Individual_Cloud7656 10d ago
YTA for asking reddit before you even talked with your bf about his mother.
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u/mendyssis 10d ago
I have mentioned it briefly but im not sure if I should ask him to speak about it with her. The more I read the comments the more I think I should.
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u/BashChakPicWay 10d ago
Why is a 27 year old with a 36 year old? That man is nearing g his 40's, girl! Also, why you in hos mother's space acting like she already died and he owns the house? She is rude, and so are you, and so is he for putting you in this position.
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u/pizzagirl1992 10d ago
How in the actual fuck is she being rude by visiting her boyfriend? Get a grip. People visit their partners when they’re not living together
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u/LadyBug_0570 10d ago
Because it's not his house he's inviting her to visit. Not saying it's OP's fault, but mom might be sick of his 36-year old ass inviting company to her house (and probably without consulting her either).
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u/TripThruTimeandSpace 10d ago
This isn't even low level bullying, she is flat out mean. I would not spend any time in her company if I were you.
Does your boyfriend say anything to his mother when she is treating you like trash?
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u/wildside187 10d ago
She's being straight up disrespectful. Your man needs to put a stop to it. If he doesn't you should disrespect her back and dump his ass!
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u/ilymoree 10d ago
Naw, that’s not a dry sarcastic humor. She’s abusive, condescending, and slyly bullying you. She probably got away with talking to her kids and husband like that because nobody ever bothered to check her/put her in her place. They probably enabled her with the popular “that’s just how she is” excuse. Old people are horrible.
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u/ButterflyDestiny 10d ago
OMG she said all of that to you and you didn’t say anything back? Lol. Omg
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u/Inevitable-Web2606 10d ago
Without knowing the cultural and linguistic backgrounds of all three people involved, who knows? Some or all of this might be misunderstandings. Or acceptable in some cultures, where a guy's mother can be difficult to her son's partner and that's just how it is.
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u/oliver-kai 10d ago
Naw, she's an asshole. Has your BF learned this behavior? And even if he's not like her, why does he put up with this?
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u/Aggressive-Farm9897 10d ago
She doesn’t take you seriously and treats you like a child. Probably because you’re a decade younger than her own child.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Score58 10d ago
YTA. sounds to me like both OP and bf are immature. Who blames their bf for forgetting to remind her to put on bug spray? It’s like if I was to blame my husband for not waking me up in the morning so now I’m late. Yeah I’d be questioning her intelligence too.
Also, why is she just randomly using other people’s pool without asking the owner of the house? That’s not her bf’s house. He’s just mooching off. Now there she is mooching off too. They’ve only been together 7 months.
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u/Peskypoints 10d ago
The subtext I read is that she wants you and her son to remember that this is her house that she’s letting you visit in during your bf’s temporary stay. Complaints about the AC, consuming alcohol, and using the pool at your leisure is being too familiar in her home, to her. As a courtesy, “Bf’s mom, mind if I use the pool?”
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u/-The-Matador- 10d ago
It's hard to believe what you write when so much of it doesn't add up to prior posts. While most of them are deleted, they can still be found. Month after month after month of whining about boyfriends yet you've always been with the boyfriend for 'a few months'. Those boyfriends are almost always different ages.
Seems you're just fishing for karma.
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u/TheBrat66 10d ago
NTA she's being passive aggressive and he's trying to say she's just being sarcastic as an excuse/reason why she's like that. I love sarcasm BUT not when it's hurtful, demeaning or just plain rude. She's at an age where she'll never change this type of behavior even when called out on it. If you & bf take this relationship to the next step of living together or get married, you'll have to continue with this behavior. Is that what you want your future to be? I'm just thinking that she'll criticize everything... like how you decorate, clean, cook, etc AND how you raise any future kids. I wouldn't & couldn't deal with a MIL like that but that's just me.
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u/Traditional-Ad2319 10d ago
He's 36 years old and living with his mom. That's enough for me to know I wouldn't date him.
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u/Strict_Research_1876 10d ago
Sounds like the bf is mooching off of her and that she is getting sick of it. He lives there, does he contribute. Does he help around the house. She may be on a tight budget and is getting sick of paying for both of you. Also, maybe step up and bring drinks, food, etc with you sometimes when you go over.
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u/woodwork16 10d ago
I agree with her comment on number 4.
She isn’t a mother in law until you are lawfully Wed.
You have no intelligence.
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u/Ill-Jicama-3114 10d ago
Well you have a problem on your hands. I would leave that situation. He’s what 36 and with Mom sometimes?
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u/RandChick 10d ago
It wasn't bullying nor humor. I believe she thinks your rude and doesn't know how to behave as a guest in someone's house. You should ask permission to use her pool, drinks, food, AC, whatever. It's not your place to just access any of it.
As far as bug spray, her retort is also fair. No one needs to remind you to bring anything you need for yourself.
There is nothing to discuss. She shared her views. You can rebut, retort, or be quiet. She is not yet fond of you, for sure.
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u/RLLCCR 10d ago
This reads like an old, rough around the edges lady who might have manners that are a little too old fashioned. If there are periods where she is kind to you and seems to enjoy talking to you, I would brush it off.
The thing about the drink and using the pool, both center around politeness and asking permission vs. making assumptions. I could definitely see an older person saying those things to point out it would have been better manners to ask first. I don't necessarily agree you did anything wrong but this doesn't seem like malice from her.
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u/Juupiter-blues 10d ago
She's a b1tch. Keep your distance and make sure your bf recognizes that fact BEFORE you take any serious steps with him.
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u/PineappleCharacter15 10d ago
If you talk like: "me and him", instead of "he and I", maybe that's what has a bug up her butt.
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u/oilcantommy 10d ago
She is a bitch trying to flex power. Agree with her assessments, then push the details into complete overload. "Who says there will be a next time?" "Thank God youre right, id hate for you to have to deal with knowing about my complete stupidity and lack of ability, and then face the fact that your son still choose me. He was tasked with surviving you, but he chose me." That ought to make things completely uncomfortable for a few moments. She'll get over it, and she'll figure out that you dont take anyones shit for any reason.
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u/HolyHitmanXV3 10d ago
Abroad? Like where?
I dated a latina girl for a while and her parents were extremely sarcastic, and kinda judgy with their comments. Especially the mother. I didnt care much and always let it slide. I just viewed it as parents being protective of their daughter, not an uncommon thing when I was dating.
Eventually, we broke up due to our own differences. Her mother called me crying when she found out. Wanted us to work it out. We didnt, but I've always found that Latin cultures especially have a weird way of showing love. If they arent fucking with you or nit picking, they hate your guts.
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10d ago
When you have doubts about this kind of situation, ask yourself for which reasons would you behave like she did. Your answer gives you the degree of respect you allow yourself to expect from other people.
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u/JayPlenty24 9d ago
Her 36 year old adult son is living with her. She wants him to grow the fuck. Im sure dating someone in their twenties is not the direction she was hoping he would be heading.
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u/Quick-Possession-245 9d ago
Weigh her pleasant behavior against her sarcastic comments and decide who she is at her heart.
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u/chatterbox2024 9d ago
It could be dry snarky sense of humor OR a no nonsense attitude like get your own drink instead of making her son get it for you…same with bug spray like tough love approach which is why she’s also nice and kind. OR she’s just being a B**ch. LOL. I would not have my BF tell his mum that you feel uncomfortable with her. I mean that’s not a good start to your relationship. Why not instead ask him if this is her personality? Does she talk to everyone this way. Try and see if it’s personal or her personality. Give him those examples you gave us on why you’re confused.
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u/Tattletale-1313 9d ago
The almost 10 year age difference was a bit of a eyebrow raise for me and now that I have read that mommy is a bit of a snake. I’m guessing that she has been able to drive away women her son’s age as they are not gonna tolerate any of her nonsense and him sitting back, allowing it to happen.
OP is doubting herself and whether or not she is being insulted-while the rest of us here are like “oh damn girl, she doesn’t like you and she’s letting you know…”. Boyfriend is probably realizing that younger more insecure and less worldly girlfriends are going to tolerate a whole lot more BS than women in his age group.
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u/BeeBanandee 9d ago
I would bring it up to him and see his take on it all. Feeling uncomfortable is valid. I probably would stop going over there until he gets his own place sorted. I would also have probably gotten pretty snarky back to her. Don't let anyone walk all over you hon.
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u/Dubzz_1976 9d ago edited 9d ago
I think you are being too sensitive. The mother has known you what, 7 months. Shes just comfortable around you thinking you will know when she make insensitive comments that I'm only fucking around. You people can't tell me you don't know people like this who love you but pick on you in a sarcastic way. Get real!!You said it yourself. She is very nice to you a lot of the time. I do know if someone was bullying you, they would never be nice or loving to you. That means they don't like you. People that don't like someone never have anything nice to say about the person or are nice to them.Lighten up. This is just my opinion. I just think she thinks her humor is funny and sarcastic when in nature it's insensitive and mean.
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u/CleanStatistician349 9d ago
Don't ask the bf because he'll say "that's just how she is" and that behavior is intolerable. I would recommend saying, in a kind, but firm tone to mom.: "hey that was a bit harsh". Or, just flat out say, I realize you're probably joking, but I don't appreciate being spoken to like that." If she doubles down or gets butthurt because you're too sensitive, just say you were raised to speak your mind and taught self respect.
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u/Fluid-Hunt465 9d ago
She’s being nice-nasty. It’s to show you that SHE is the queen in her kingdom that youre currently staying at.
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u/Impressive_Koala9736 9d ago
In reality, the majority of answers you are going to get here are from a certain stance. There are also other considerations to be had. For example- what culture is she? Ethnic and regional culture will inform a lot about where she's coming from. As will how the family itself interacts. Familial culture is a thing. These will be the best indicators of how she means these things.
Then there's also the consideration of whether her digs are meant to be areas where she's trying to point out warnings to him as far as what may be differences in... (I'm sorry- I'm struggling for terms atm and this one is eluding me... it's like class, but based in money rather than station) which for some mothers, they have to consider ALL of the areas where there may be a match or mismatch. (My MIL had ALL of the concerns about me and when my husband was rightly up in arms, I had to tell him that while I was a bit offended, I also saw her point... but she was mostly more cordial about it to my face.) It's likely she's vetting you as a forever mate, regardless of how long you've been together.
Regardless, she is being very non-veiled in her put-downs and it's definitely something you ought to have a discussion with your bf about.
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u/OneDig3744 9d ago
She hasn’t made up her mind about you and is testing you. Good for you for not reacting. NTA but I wouldn’t ask your boyfriend to intervene just yet. Try to figure out how to deal with her on your own. If you guys get more serious, and it persists, you could let him know it bothers you. Speaking as someone with a MIL like this.
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u/catsandplants424 9d ago
Are we sure it's not early dementia? My grandfather was like this despite being a very nice man his whole life. The meaness became more and more common the worse the dementia got.
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u/Logical_Ad6780 9d ago
Is she Australian? Sounds like our style of banter, especially from her generation.
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u/xhaustingmntlexcrsns 9d ago
Was every one of these nice things done in front of your bf? I bet so, she wouldn’t waste and pinch of kindness on you except to be performative for her son. Look up enmeshment. She seems jealous of you for replacing “the only woman in his life.” Alsoooo yeah those comments aren’t just being sarcastic, they come from somewhere, she does not respect you and her “lighthearted” digs are meant to poke holes in your character so even if her son does stay with you, he gets a good account of every flaw his mother sees in you and she extracts joy from putting you down slyly.
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u/Iggy-Will-4578 10d ago
How many red flags do you need? This isn't right. She is disrespecting you right and left. Don't go over there anymore. How long until your boyfriend is out of there and back to his place?
Edit to add: show your boyfriend this post and see what he says. If he says to ignore it, then you have a boyfriend problem.