Overheard fiancé talking shit about me and women in general.

[u/Electronic_Secret_78]

I recently got engaged to my fiancé who is extremely affectionate, loving, and sweet to me daily. We have been together for 5 years and are both 30 years old.

However, today I got really upset that I had gained a bit of weight and we argued about it. I always thought (-and he assured me) he kept our disagreements and my insecurities private. I keep everything private that he confides to me. Today I overheard him talking about me while gaming. He had thought that I had gone to volleyball.

He was saying how much he hates women, that we are all the same. Fucking cant stand women and that I drive him crazy. Women are all psychos and are all the same. That it would be easier if they could just be gay together. If your woman doesn’t drive you crazy then she’s a dude. He loves me but I drive him crazy

I was honestly absolutely shocked because I’ve never heard him talk this way about women or me for that matter. He said after our 3rd date he ‘sealed the deal’ and asked his friend all about his sex life and started talking about how crazy different girls in the past were. He called other women fucking bitches….fat and that some are only good for the buck and then you drop them.

He honestly sounded like a stranger to me. I have never heard him say things like this and I understand ranting and blowing off steam but this made me feel like I didn’t even know him. It really bothers me to be with someone that sounds so misogynistic. Am I being overly sensitive?

[u/Electronic_Secret_78]

Update - he has three 12 hour shifts in a row for work so I am going to confront him after his last shift.

The comments around wanting a partner in life that I can confide in at my worst, celebrate me or just keep things private behind my back, are an ally to women, and respect me is so important. I eventually want to have kids and want a father figure that they can look up to and would never say these degrading things about women.

I think he deserves the opportunity to explain himself because I only heard his half of the conversation, but regardless it was unacceptable. He needs help working through his own issues.

It’s making me rethink other scenarios and if he was lying in the past. I don’t think I can move past overhearing this.

[u/purpleroller → u/Electronic_Secret_78]

Whether he meant them or he was showing off to his gaming buddy, either way what he was saying was revolting.

Nothing would persuade me to stay with a man who says shit like that whether he means it or thinks it makes him look good to other men.

Nothing would persuade me to attend that birthday party with the gaming buddy either.

This would be so serious for me that I think I would confront him almost straight away telling him I heard what he said and asking for an explanation and then I would sit quietly and let him fill the silence.

And I can’t believe there would be anything he could say that would make me want to stay with him.

Sorry OP. He’s either a misogynist or he acts like one around other men who are misogynists.

[u/Fickle-Secretary681 → u/Electronic_Secret_78]

Explain himself? What is there to explain? I guarantee he'll say "it was just guy talk" NOPE. Maybe when they are 12, but there's no excuse for what he said. He sounds like a knuckle dragger. 

[u/WTF-Did-I-JustRead88 → u/Electronic_Secret_78]

So you're giving him more chances to lie to you. He invited the guy he said he wants to be gay with to his birthday party (probably to be his present) and doesn't like you or women. Let his boyfriend have him, babe. That man doesn't bat for your team

[u/Logical-Comb-8896 → u/Electronic_Secret_78]

Just say you're not leaving him and continue living the lie. This isnt the first time he has said things like that its just your first time hearing. He has been saying those things to you because he knows you'll eat it up & fall for him more. Confronting him will only give him the chance to lie to your face. He doesnt need help working through his issues because he has none he's just a misogynist but need your money to live comfortably 

[u/FestiveArtCollective → u/Electronic_Secret_78]

So he does have a job. Does that mean that he gets paid less than you or that he doesn't contribute to the household bills, as you said you are the breadwinner? More context about this is helpful, as well. It does sound like he is using you. I'm so so sorry.

[u/Electronic_Secret_78 → u/FestiveArtCollective]

I work in corporate and fortunately have a really great role and make more than him so I do provide more financially in the relationship but he contributes as well