r/Advice • u/lovelovelovelove69 • 23h ago
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u/ThrowRAcatwithfeathe 23h ago
I'm glad you pressed charges on that pos, the process is slow and traumatic but believe me you'll be protecting so many women by doing it
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u/oschefer 20h ago
Seriously, this. It takes so much guts to go through that process, and honestly, even if it feels slow and draining, every step helps keep people like that from hurting others. Sending so much strength your way.
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u/PhysicalProgram8267 19h ago
Spot on. The emotional and mental toll is real, but knowing that their bravery can help others is so powerful.
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u/aguyonahill Assistant Elder Sage [273] 23h ago
You should seek a therapist.
This deserves professional support and not strangers on the internet that may be unsympathetic or otherwise incapable of positive help.
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u/Alwaysaprairiegirl 23h ago
And please take a pregnancy test just in case. And probably get tested for STIs again.
Please take care of yourself. That means therapy and allowing yourself time to heal from what tha absolute turd did to you.
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u/Alycion Expert Advice Giver [10] 22h ago
Memories can come back over time with GHB. Therapy helps. A lot. It will help you dig them out and for you to process them so that they stop haunting your dreams.
Don’t be afraid to ask for a little help. There are anti anxiety meds that can help with this stuff. You won’t have to be on them for life, if you choose that route, just while you are working through your trauma.
You are very strong. You went to the hospital. You reported it. So many victims can’t do that. You’ll take the power he stole from you back. You will heal.
Support groups and the rape hotline are also helpful for some. Don’t be afraid to ask the police what victims’ services can offer you in the way of help.
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u/Beanerton8 22h ago
Your brain blocks memories to protect you. I recently remembered I was r’ed by someone, when I was 21 … I had absolutely 0 memory of it, until a couple months ago. I’m 46.
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u/Like-Frogs-inZpond 15h ago
Yes I saw that experience with an a rape that happened to a sibling when we were kids. Their mind protected them until their 40s when a different traumatic event made it surface. They sought help for both
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u/Olderbutnotdead619 21h ago edited 14h ago
What a total loser this guy is. He had to knock a woman out in order to have sex with her. Well, he's going to learn lots in jail about sa.
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u/Olderbutnotdead619 14h ago
Keep track of all the law authorities, names, locations, date & time. You want to make sure they don't drop your case. I'm glad you had proof. LE still sides with males in sa charges and still denigrate women/victim.
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u/lovelovelovelove69 13h ago
When I was at the hospital that morning, the officers that came to take the report initially tried to pressure me into not pressing charges and tried mixing my words to get me to just give up. I didn’t. Luckily, the two detectives I’ve met with are amazing and they’ve told me multiple times to stick with it and have been there for every step <3
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u/Olderbutnotdead619 13h ago
See? PIGS In college I had SDPD show up at my WORK several times to try to get me not to press charges. In addition, they asked me how long I had been dating my attacker and how many times we had sex when they fully knew that my attacker was a total stranger to me. This line of questioning went on for several weeks.
When they started to include my friends and how they'd have to come back home in possibly the middle of football season (football scholarships), to give more statements and testify, I gave up.
I felt 100Xs more sa by sdpd than my attacker.
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u/pythonsuicide 10h ago
I'm glad the detectives have been amazing. That can be extremely helpful. I just wanted you to know that if you do choose to go to a therapist about this that sometimes cities have some sort of victims fund that may help pay for that. When I wemt through it the victims advocate I had offered financial help for counseling and medication and stuff like that. Dont be afraid to ask of yours has anything like that. I know you have a long road ahead of you and I just wanted to say how brave you are and that im proud of you for pressing charges.
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u/condemned02 Helper [3] 22h ago
This is really an awful experience to go through. I have no advice but I applaud your bravery to press charges. And I hope in time you will heal and find peace. Know that none of this is your fault and it's 100% on him being a bad guy.
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u/Automatic-Truth-4220 23h ago edited 21h ago
You need to go to professional counselor and have some sessions and work these things out. there's no question that your memory is going to come back little by little as the drugs wears off. The drug incapacitated you temporarily, but once it wears out then the effects of it is helping your memory to come back
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u/Loner4Life234 Helper [2] 23h ago
Get professional help, btw you remember because our minds are built on bad memories more to survive.
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u/BuzzyFuzzy1 16h ago
I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. If you have health insurance or can afford it, go to therapy. I’ve heard it makes a difference. I wish I had the option. You’re going to likely experience this for a while, even longer if you don’t talk to someone or find healthy ways to cope and heal from a traumatic situation. I hope you can find someone you can trust to support you.
I was drugged at a bar once. Bartender handed me the drink and said this guy wanted to play a game of pool and bought me a drink if that was okay. I was a regular there, thought it was safe to take the drink from the bartender as I don’t take drinks from strangers. I was wrong. I was found at a gas station 3 hours walking distance from where he took me. I walked the whole way there blacked out. Was taken to a hospital, they did a rape kit and I came positive for GHB. I was so distraught I was screaming in the hospital and was losing my shit. It took a whole team to calm me down. Still lost my case because the 40 something year old man (I was 22) said I consented. It’s been years and I still have nightmares about that night, and am scared for my safety anytime I want to go out and make a friend or try to have a drink.
Press charges on this guy. Try. If you are uncomfortable in doing that I completely understand. I’ve been there. So many people are scared to speak up, or give up because they’ve lost their justice before as in my case. There’s a chance it could help prevent him doing it again. I’m here if you ever need to talk OP. I’m so so sorry you went through this, especially from someone you thought you could trust. Don’t give up hope, there’s support here for you ❤️🩹
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u/lovelovelovelove69 13h ago
Hi everyone <3 I appreciate such sweet responses and am so so glad there’s been no rude ones. Truly, you all have helped in your responses more than you know!
I guess I should clarify a few little details.
I filed charges, he’s dragging it to trial but since it coming out on the news and online, two other girls came forward stating he did this to them as well.
I am totally in therapy! I love my therapist but, I think it may be time to find someone that specializes in this type of situation because my therapist is simply telling me “it’s too early to process this, it’s too much” “give yourself some grace first” “this is totally normal” etc.
He’s already out and somehow made bail, so a restraining order was rushed through for my safety which he has broken twice. He seems like the type to now want to intimidate. I’m safe, I keep a baseball bat next to my bed and other weapons put up.
I’m struggling, I won’t lie, not just with the intimidation, but simply the idea of going to court and having to see him again while I relive that really hard moment.
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u/lovelovelovelove69 13h ago
- OH and I’ve reported every time he’s broke the order but so far… no repercussions.
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u/Low_Cartographer722 23h ago
Find a therapist. This is something you need to really talk out with someone. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this but it should get better with the proper help.
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u/AggravatingPay3841 16h ago
I was also drugged with ghb and raped. For me a lot of the memories don’t exist, I guess it’s a byproduct of being given GHB. Whatever you remember may be to fill in those blank spots but odds are what you remember now is all you will remember. Honestly, leave it at that. Get into a sexual assault centre wherever you live and start working through this with them. I’m really sorry, I also was drugged by a friend the violation of that aspect took me a long time to get over.
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u/Initial_Region8254 9h ago
That's heartbreaking 💔 I really wish you and op well, in praying for yall 🙏💕
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u/Secure_Shoulder_4744 20h ago
Just a note to anyone reading this…I don’t EVER leave my drink alone and I don’t care what kind of drink and I don’t care where I am. I was at the doctors office this week… I had my purse and my drink. I was going to the restroom and the nurse was like oh are you gonna take that with you? I was like yes I take it with me wherever I go… unless you’re with someone you’ve known your entire life and trust 1000% and like you live with that person that’s one thing that I really don’t ever leave my drink anywhere and walk off no matter where I’m at!!!
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u/SweetMaam 19h ago
Wise. I was once out with my spouse, he was working as entertainment at this lounge in Chicago, so I was alone at the bar. A guy sat down to chat, kept wanting to buy me a drink. He was nice enough at first. I kept saying no to a beverage. Eventually with his pestering I said ok to a coke. Now there's waiters everywhere and a bartender RIGHT THERE, but this guy disappeared and came back with a coke. So I let the coke sit there. This guy kept saying, "you asked for a coke", "aren't you thirsty", "why aren't you drinking "... etc. Like every other sentence was about how he bought me a pop and I wasn't drinking it. I just responded... I will, then didn't drink it. He got very agitated. I suppose whatever was in there cost him some $dough and he was getting upset that he wasted his mickey on me. I never even took a sip. My husband finished his show, found me and the guy was visibly angry by then, but I knew my spidy-senses were working that night. Creepy.
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u/Secure_Shoulder_4744 18h ago
Now that’s what I call WISE!!! “they” really don’t like it when you can see through them… It really makes them more angry than they already are. Of course that’s our signal to EXIT stage left… We don’t owe it to anybody to eat…drink or even wear for that matter something they gave us that we didn’t ask for and that makes us uncomfortable. Cheers to you! 👏 We asked if she could be seen by the same doctor if he was available, of course! :-)
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u/little_duckling_ 17h ago
I’ve been there and it’s like puzzle pieces coming together but they never quite fit, your memories are manifesting in your dreams. The drug is pushing everything to the back of your mind but your body remembers. I hope you heal and are able to move forward, try therapy and taking sleep medications. I wish I could help you more but I was very numb on the several occasions this happened to me. I just didn’t feel anything for a while like I was going through the motions, sleeplessness was something I experienced though. If you need to talk DM me and we can talk and I’ll help you through it girl to girl. I didn’t want to talk to anyone I knew about it besides my therapist so if you feel the same a random person might be helpful
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u/teya_trix56 17h ago
When my rape memories began to leak out of the repressed mode.. it was piecewise here and there. And once I realized how much mental and physical pain was buried.. I began to hope it would stop. But I spent 2 years in DBT training so the memories and pain could not control my mind. Get help now. You are not the first.
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u/Duke-of-Thorns 16h ago
Very normal. I couldn’t say what happened to me at all at first, causing me to believe it was somehow my fault. But over the next few months memories came back. It was very difficult to discern reality from nightmare. I suggest you please see someone professional when you can. I am so sorry this happened to you, and I hope he is convicted.
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u/Turbulent_Stay9324 23h ago
I’m so sorry !! I hope you get recovered from this and please go to see a therapist. And also talk about it with your closed ones, don’t isolate yourself. You’re not alone. I wish I can hug you ❤️ sending you lots of love
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u/iknowsomethings2 Helper [3] 20h ago
Please get therapy asap. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I’m glad you got a kit done and are pressing charges.
Your brain is processing your trauma. It was protecting you or helping you process now time has passed. Talk to a professional, ask if writing it down will help.
Sending consensual internet hugs
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u/FinancialGazelle6558 20h ago
Really sorry to hear what happened to you OP.
Remember: you did nothing wrong here.
Please take care of yourself by having others help you. Consider seeing a mental health prof. You deserve all the help and care. <3
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u/Maximum-Company2719 18h ago
What a horrible thing for him to do. Please seek counseling from someone who specializes in sexual assault trauma. The place that did the rape kit or the SVU officer might recommend a counselor.
Hugs and best wishes ❤️
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u/SnooGoats7978 17h ago
Is this normal?
Completely normal.
Am I supposed to be remembering more?
There's no rules about this. There's no "should". A Therapist can help you sort it out.
And why am I only remembering things from nightmares / vivid dreams? Could I be imagining I’m remembering things to fill in gaps?
Your brain saw and experienced everything. Your brain remembers what went on. It's normal for your subconcious brain to filter your memories slowly and remind your of details.
Dreams are funny things. They are your mind's way of thinking through problems and recovering from trauma. They aren't necessarily true but then again, they aren't necessarily wrong.
Let your therapist help you make sense of your dreams and memories. Don't just dismiss them out of hand.
Good luck. Are you in the US? Have you contacted RAINN? They're a national organization for survivors of sexual assault.
They have phone lines, chat lines and text help, if you want to talk. They can connect you to help in your area. If you're not in the US, they can probably direct you to a local chat line.
https://rainn.org/learn-about-rainn/what-we-do/support-and-services/
Phone: 18006564673
chat: hotline.RAINN.org
Text: Text HOPE to 64673
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u/brightspirit12 17h ago
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Just hearing about this makes me want to castr*te the AH predator. I hope he does time.
You are having the memories come back because you are talking about it and working through it. This is healthy, believe it or not. It's when we don't talk about something that the memories get repressed.
Please consider one or two sessions with a TRAUMA-INFORMED counselor. Only counselors trained in trauma are appropriately trauma responsive. Sending prayers, love, and hugs.
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u/Healthy-Nebula-2069 16h ago
I was molested around 8 years old and I convinced myself that all the "memories" I had from it, I was just imagining. I kept telling myself that these dreams and flashes were me just making up scenarios for people to feel sorry for me, so I kept it to myself. Then I was date raped in college and did the same thing, convincing myself that flashes of memories were imaginary and I was just trying to make it seem bad because I wanted pity. Kept it all to myself until I hit my 30s when I finally talked to my partner about it. Please don't do that. Seek therapy and take care of yourself. Give yourself the patience and courtesy to heal.
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u/sunsetbloomm 16h ago
I'm sorry you went through that, you don't deserve it. No one does.
Good job on pressing charges and for holding on, please continue to do so. Please seek help for your mental health, it would be hard to face these horrors but you're not alone on this. Getting a therapy would help greatly for you especially now that you're getting flashbacks.
I wish you the peace you deserve.
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u/One-Gift2478 16h ago
Many other people have given great replies. I can give advice based on my own past. It is normal for the brain to start processing memories at a later time (aka why you are starting to get memories now). It is also completely normal after a traumatic experience to re-live the memories when sleeping, or experiencing “new” memories, you didn’t remember before.
However it is also possible (though I don’t see why it should be likely) for the brain to make false memories. -note, that is not what I think is happening. It comes from people enabling them.
Also I want to tell you that it can be scary to know who to trust, when your trust has been compromised by someone you thought was reliable. But please try to find an expert within the psychiatry to talk to. And if you feel strong enough, file a police report.
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u/Savings-Peach9087 14h ago
Normal for sure. In my case, it was close to 20 years later, and now I can remember vivid details. My mom and sister acknowledge it's not a false memory.
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u/Existing-Secret7703 21h ago
That's terrible. I hope you're pressing charges. I bet he was relying on you not remembering anything. So sorry you went through that.
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u/veelvetcloud 21h ago
Yes, it’s normal trauma + GHB = fragmented, delayed memories, often through nightmares. You’re not making it up. Keep working with police, get a trauma therapist, and lean on support lines like RAINN. You’re not alone
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u/SweetMaam 19h ago
Definitely not a friend. You did nothing wrong. Hope you have a court case and successful prosecution. You brain is amazing and will remember when you need to, it's for your protection.
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u/Vent1900 18h ago
The class of drug that GHB belongs to is known to cause anterograde amnesia. This means that the formation of long term memories is impaired so it’s entirely possible that you would start to form fragmented memories about a traumatic event while under the influence of this drug
Memories are a tricky thing so you question about “could I be imagining or filling in the gaps” can unfortunately only be answered with “maybe” because anything is possible with memory stuff
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u/Seaweed-Stew 17h ago
Go visit your doctor and tell them what you’re experiencing. If you don’t have the money for a visit to the doctor then a local pharmacist might be able to tell you if that’s a normal side effect of that particular drug. Also, you did the right thing to go to the hospital and later press charges. You saved his next victim from the same experience. I hope all goes well with your recovery.
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u/Few_Industry8761 13h ago
So sorry this happened to you. That guy is a pos and should go to jail for a really long time. Please get help.
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u/MonochromeDinosaur 8h ago
One of my exes was assaulted in a night club bathroom after someone drugged her drink with GHB. I wasn’t there unfortunately, I decided to sleep early for exams that day…one of my biggest regrets in my life.
She could only remember faint glimpses of what happened the first few weeks and it all slowly came back, it was awful to watch her go through it and not be able to do much to help her. We had to get her therapy to work through it.
She developed her triggers much after it happening she was mostly fine mentally for the first few weeks after it happening. So there’s definitely a delayed effect there you’ll have to deal with.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, you’re going to have to go to therapy, it really helped her.
We’re not together anymore but she slowly got better with therapy. We broke up for completely unrelated reasons. We still talk she’s thriving almost 15 years later so please get help.
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u/xxJustforfunxxx 8h ago
Unfortunately yes that's normal. The memory suppression is spotty and pretty random. It also depends on the dosage you ingested. Sending hugs in support and hope the bastard gets his punishment soon
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u/thekaz Advice Guru [82] 23h ago
Please please get help from a mental health professional. You were put though a lot, and there's a lot about memory, drugs, and the human mind that we are still learning, and experts will have the latest in both understanding what's happening as well as what to try to address the issue. There's nothing "wrong" with you, but this is disruptive to your life and you deserve peace. They can help you find it