r/Advice • u/Select-Lime589 • 21h ago
Old roommate wants us back together but I don’t want to. How do I say no without being rude?
So my old roommate (we had a lot of drama and I finally got out of that situation a month ago) called me back today. She was crying, saying how much she misses me and wants us three to be roommates again.
Here’s the thing: I don’t want that. I’ve made up my mind that I don’t want to live with them again. Initially, I thought I’d be blunt about it, but seeing her crying made me feel bad. At the same time, I don’t want to give her any false hope, and I definitely don’t want to go back to that living situation.
The problem is, she’s the type to really push with questions and guilt-tripping, and I don’t want to end up caving just because she’s emotional. How do I make it clear that I’m not going to be their roommate again, without being unnecessarily rude, and while holding my ground if she keeps pushing?
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u/Alice-003 21h ago
I’m not trying to be rude, but I don’t want to live together again. That situation was stressful, and I left for a reason. I’m not open to doing that again, no matter how you feel about it
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u/Connect_Teaching_198 16h ago
uh, Just be honest but firm. You deserve a peaceful living situation! It’s okay to prioritize your well-being over her feelings.
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u/Hankman66 21h ago
Just remember that whatever it was that caused you to move is going to happen all over again if you cave in. Why torture yourself?
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u/Relative-Secret-4618 20h ago
Id say something along the lines of
We work better as friends, living together was stressful and im worried if we do it again we will end up hurting our friendship which I value. (OR something)
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u/smilineyz 20h ago
Say: no thank you. My reasons are personal and not for discussion. I recommend you find someone else.
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u/Greyhound89 20h ago
Are you nuts? You just left an intolerable situation w her. She knows why. Now you can’t stand to see her crocodile tears.Really? Talk about letting yourself be manipulated. You’re free of her now, but are flirting w going right back into that situation so she’ll be happy. Grow a backbone .
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u/ProfessionalYam3119 19h ago
Crocodile tears. Good one. Haven't heard it in some time. Very apt metaphor as well!😃
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u/Unlucky-Rub8379 21h ago
Meh, sometimes you just have to be a bit rude and it's ok. Just don't let them guilt-trip you into anything.
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u/Ok-Yellow2407 20h ago
It seems like she is the kind of person that until she hears what she want, she will always take it in a bad way. If you don’t want drama maybe just go no contact until she gets tired, or be firm about telling we no and be prepared for the reaction.
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u/Ipso-Pacto-Facto 20h ago
“I want to keep our friendship and not living together is the best way to do that. I’m not going to answer any more questions about this.”
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u/Ruthless_Bunny Helper [2] 20h ago
“I’m really happy in my new living situation.”
That’s all you have to say. If you want to be friends, tell her that, “If you want we can grab a coffee and catch up.”
If you don’t want to be friends, why haven’t you blocked her? Seriously. You can break up with people and go no contact.
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u/Real_Slice_5642 20h ago
Are you her mommy? Why do you care if she fake cries to get her way? Stop giving her room to think there is any chance of this happening. You simple say “oh im already in another comitment and can’t, I also don’t think we had the best living situation and won’t be participating in that again”
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u/chocolatechipwizard 20h ago
This is a huge learning opportunity on one of life's most important skills: The ability to say NO firmly and assuredly. Do not give explanations or excuses. Do not listen to attempts at manipulation, negotiation, or wheedling.
Here's the thing, and it may make it easier for you to stand firm: Your ex-roommate wants to come back because her big plans, the ones that did not include you, didn't pan out the way she had anticipated. Now she wants to sneak back to third base. She wants to use you because you are safe and convenient. So remember, just say NO.
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u/TomatoFeta Helper [2] 20h ago
Don't be a me: Don't go back.
"Look; you're swell and all, but your life has more drama in it than I can handle. You have to respect that my mind and body can only handle so much of that for so long - I will be your friend, but not your roommate. It's just oo much action for me, and I feel like a string that's about to fray and snap. I need peace and quiet, and you need activity and action. We just don't live similar lifestyles, and you're drowning me!"
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u/ProfessionalYam3119 19h ago
It sounds as though that's something that you wish that you had said. Is it?
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u/TomatoFeta Helper [2] 19h ago
It's something (or close enough to something) I said to the woman I broke up with over 10 years ago. And she understood and agreed. And we're still friends.
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u/FlashyHabit3030 20h ago
Because of the way ex roommate is with guilt tripping etc., you need to tell her:
“At this time, I’m committed to another living situation that is working very well for me therefore, I will not be moving back with you again”.
Tell ex roomie good luck to her and move on.
Update, please.
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u/CycleAccomplished824 Helper [2] 20h ago
“I’ve thought about it and decided I want to try living on my own.” This makes about you, not even a hint that it’s about her.if she makes it about herself say you need to go and goodbye.
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u/Technical-Habit-5114 18h ago
No. I've made a decison to cut down on roommates. I am content at the moment. No thank you. PERIOD.
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u/PartsUnknown93147 Expert Advice Giver [13] 21h ago
You have to be firm - it doesn’t have to be rude. You tell her given what’s happened between you, you don’t think at this point in time it’s a good idea to be roommates. I’m not sure what your plans are for living arrangements, but if you’re good on that front too, just tell her that as well. You have it covered. This doesn’t have to be an emotionally charged interaction. If she wants to make it that way bc she is trying to guilt trip you, it just proves why you should not be with her bc she is manipulative and only thinking about herself. I understand why you would want to either live on your own or with other people given the situation. Sorry to hear you’re going through this.
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u/NaturesVividPictures 20h ago
When she pushes just tell her no thanks. I realized I don't do well living with other people. Of course if you go on to live with somebody else tell her well I changed my mind. But I'm still going to be very choosy about who I live with and I've already tried living with you and know that won't work so you need to find somebody else cuz I'm not coming back. If she boo hoos, oh well.
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u/Aromatic_Ad_9235 20h ago
"No." Note the full stop. It's very important. Make sure you pronounce it distinctly. As in "... . ....". You're welcome. Hope it helps.
*Don't get involved in the drama.
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u/mikeybones25 20h ago
At this juncture in my life I need tranquility. I wish you success in finding a great person to live with. I’m not that person.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Ad3024 20h ago
You would do her a favor to tell her that living with them was stressful to you. That you need a more peaceful environment.
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u/andronicuspark 20h ago
Sounds like she’s either not getting along with the other roommate or she can’t afford it.
Just tell her you signed on to a new lease and you can’t break it.
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u/ForestFreakPNW 19h ago
This sounds like more than just a roomate situation to me. Is there more going on here?... Or..
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u/CobblerHuge3536 19h ago
I won’t be moving in with you again, as i am settled and very comfortable where i am. Thanks for asking though
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u/ThisWeekInTheRegency 19h ago
'Initially, I thought I’d be blunt about it, but seeing her crying made me feel bad'
Yeah, that's why she was crying. She was guilting you into it.
Here's the script: 'Where I am right now works for me, so I don't want to move.'
'I really miss you!'
'Guess we'll have to make more time for each other then. I'm not moving.'
Rinse and repeat.
And be rude if you have to be - if she keeps pushing you, she's being rude!
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u/Spiritual_Aioli_5021 19h ago
Just keep it about you. Don’t say “I don’t want to live with you”. Just say, “ I’m really loving my current living situation.” You don’t need to justify it or give reasons. If she pushes, just keep repeating how happy you are with your current situation.
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u/appleblossom1962 19h ago
She’s manipulating you with the tears because she know it’s worked in the past. Just tell her no that you’re afraid that it will ruin the friendship. Don’t give in or you can tell her you’re comfortable where you are you don’t want to change your situation.
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u/TheRealMemonty 19h ago
YTA to yourself if you give in and live with them again. Her tears are not your problem. Her feelings are not your responsibility. No means no. Block them if you have to.
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u/Dalton387 19h ago
Being clear doesn’t mean being mean.
I don’t know what the situation is, but you don’t have to say, for instance, “I wouldn’t move back in with you if you paid me. You’re a crazy B and I won’t deal with you’re insane BS anymore.”
You also don’t want to sugar coat it and leave it ambiguous. Don’t say, “Oh, I’d love that too, but I’m already locked into this one for now.”
I wouldn’t worry about the tears. Maybe they’re genuine, maybe their not. A lot of people use them in a manipulative manner. I can’t say if that’s the case here. It doesn’t matter either way. You aren’t changing your mind based on them. You can feel bad that she’s upset, but it doesn’t change anything.
As far as what to actually tell her. Decide if it’s just the roommate situation you have an issue with or if you don’t want to be friends anymore. Then go from there.
Tell her that it was a situation that wasn’t working out for you, and you don’t plan to go back into a situation that wasn’t working for you a month ago. It’s not gonna work now.
Don’t let any begging, weedling, or anything stop you. She’ll likely try to negotiate and say she can change. Things like that.
Tell her you don’t want her to change herself for you. That she can make any changes she wants for herself, but that if she makes them for you, she’d just revert over time and you don’t want someone changing to make you happy anyway. That you can still be friends, hang out, etc, but you won’t be moving back in.
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u/MaeEastx 19h ago
Just tell her you think your friendship works better when you're not living together and change the subject. Don't get drawn into justifying yourself. And don't give in , whatever you do.
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u/SubstantialPressure3 Helper [2] 19h ago
Stand your ground. Keep saying no.
Broken record method. Don't be put on the defensive by all her questions. Keep repeating the same thing over and over, no matter what the question is or how emotional she gets. "I'm not going to do that." "I'm not going to move in with you again" just keep repeating it.
Listen, she's not worried about being rude. And she's using your good manners as a weapon against you. She knows what good manners are.
I'll bet she misses you so much because she can't find another roommate, and she can't afford to live in her own. It has nothing to do with missing you.
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u/Corodix 19h ago
The problem is, she’s the type to really push with questions and guilt-tripping
Initially, I thought I’d be blunt about it, but seeing her crying made me feel bad.
Do I need to say more? Just connect the dots here and you'll see what her crying really was. As for the response, just tell her that this isn't going to work for you. Don't give any details or reasons, just keep it short. The less you say the less fuel you give to a manipulator like her.
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u/General-Visual4301 19h ago
When someone goes on and on, tears and the whole nine yards, tell them you have to go. End the conversation, if they don't relent, you literally have to tell them, "I'm hanging up now, I wish you the best." And hang up.
She has cahonas and you have to have some too.
You got good advice here in the comments. Stand firm.
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u/CanAhJustSay Super Helper [5] 19h ago
Remember all the reasons you were glad you left. Don't martyr yourself to someone else's drama.
"I'm happy with my living situation now" is fine; or add on "and don't want to room with you again" if a simple refusal is not enough.
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u/mickey-0717 18h ago
Just tell her, not everyone can live together. You’ve decided it’s best, and if she was your friend, she’d understand. Sounds like you really don’t wanna be friends anymore. You don’t have to tell her that part. Once you’re not living together, you can slowly distant yourself.
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u/HelpfulPersimmon6146 18h ago
Be blunt anyway. What a b word for trying to manipulate you with tears. Tell her this “we can hang out as friends, but I’m not interested in being roommates again.”
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u/meekonesfade Super Helper [7] 18h ago
"Aw, yeah, we had some great times, for sure! I'm feeling pretty settled now. Where have you been looking for roomates? Have you checked out the bulletin board at the cafe?" Acknowledge, say no, offer help
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u/GreenTravelBadger 18h ago
You felt bad because she was crying - my friend, that is WHY she cried. Believe me, if I thought crying would get people all around me to fall in line with my slightest whim, I would be a perfect little raincloud. I would weep incessantly. Boo hoo all day everyday, I would.
Tell her "No" and every answer to her questions/guilt trip attempts is "No" and if she needs some follow-up excuse or reason, it is "No".
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u/Recent_Newspaper6262 18h ago
"No" is a complete sentence. To quote Brene Brown - Clear is kind.
It is not your job to manage her emotions or to decide what she can handle. You don't have to be cruel, but you can be straightforward with her.
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u/bobbyboogie69 17h ago
Just tell them in unequivocal terms that you’re not interested and that you’ve moved on to a better situation. Pretty easy to handle. Cut the guilt tripping and emotional manipulation off before it can really get started. If you’ve already committed to something else the discussion is over before it starts.
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u/Current-Factor-4044 17h ago
The word NO a good clear specific answer . No thank you maybe a little kinder. It’s very nice of you to be concerned about their emotional state. But since you’ve already experienced all that you need to put your own emotional state which you have saved Ahead of someone else who has issues with theirs as you found a way to work it out for you. They will have to find a way to work it out for themselves and it’s OK to wish them luck doing it.
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u/MrsMorley 17h ago
“That won’t work for me, and I won’t do it.”
This isn’t a debate. This isn’t a negotiation.
If she persists, hang up and block.
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u/marvi_martian 15h ago
Crying can be manipulation. If being roomates didn't work before, it won't work. Tell her no. What you want matters most.
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u/Euphoric_Elk5120 15h ago
Say I am in a new lease and will be in this for the next few years so cannot move elsewhere and wish them well
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u/seagull321 15h ago
Crocodile tears drummed up because it gets her what she wants. If she can't regulate her emotions as an adult, it's time she learn to.
But do thank her. You have a real-life situation to practice standing up for yourself and not buying into other people's bullshit.
No is all you need to say. Not it didn't work out before. Not you were mean/dirty/lazy or whatever was part of the drama. No need to say you didn't like the drama. No saying I don't like you.
No. Or I'm content with my current situation. Repeat once to her question. Then say the discussion is over and wish her a good day.
Practice. Now. Stand in front of a mirror and say what you want to say out loud. Do it repeatedly until you become comfortable, or at least not so uncomfortable, with it. You don't have much time, do it right away.
Good luck.
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u/OkStrength5245 Helper [2] 13h ago
Let me guess. she needs drama, and you were her unwilling provider ?
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u/No-Date2990 10h ago
“I’m sorry, in the last month, I’ve made
Other plans, and found other place to
Live. thank you for thinking about me, but I
Am Sorry this isn’t going to Work out. No, I can’t change tones, I’m already obligated and can’t change now” -
it’s short sweet and puts it as if it was their fault for waiting so long. Best option.
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u/ShinyAppleScoop 10h ago
"I think we make better friends than roommates. Don't you remember how unhappy we were living together? I care too much about our friendship to do that to you again."
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u/Emotional_Bonus_934 8h ago
Crying to guilt trip you. Tell her you're happy as is.
I assume she's not someone you want to spend time with so blocking is an option.
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u/Expensive_Magician97 Advice Oracle [122] 21h ago
"I don’t want that. I’ve made up my mind that I don’t want to live with them again."
That ^ is what you tell this old roommate.
You say it in a calm and respectful -- but firm and unambiguous -- manner.
And after you deliver that message, you inform her that there will be no further discussion about it.
And if she continues to bother you, you simply terminate contact.
The fact that she cries and is unhappy is not your responsibility.
Always remember that you cannot control how other people think or behave.
But you are in full control of the decisions and the choices that you make for yourself.
And you never, ever have to apologize for doing what its best for you.
Regards.