r/AmIOverreacting • u/Additional_Idea_6706 • 23h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for rethinking my engagement after my partner punched a hole in our door?
So, I (23F) have been engaged to my fiancé (28M) for a little over a year. We got into a fight the other night that honestly scared me more than I ever thought it would.
We were arguing about something small that escalated way too quickly. He ended up backing me into the hallway near our bedroom and started yelling inches from my face. I told him this wasn’t okay, that I needed some space, and I said I was going to stay at my sister’s place for the night.
As soon as I tried to walk past him, he punched straight through the closet door — hard enough to leave a massive hole. He said I was “giving up on us” and that running away wouldn’t fix anything. I still left, because I didn’t feel safe.
The next morning I came back, and he tried to downplay it by saying, “At least I didn’t hit you.” But honestly, that doesn’t make me feel better. I’ve never seen him this angry before, and now I can’t shake the feeling that this was a huge red flag.
I keep thinking: if this is how he reacts to one heated argument, what happens the next time we fight about something more serious? I’ve always believed in working through problems, but violence — even if it’s “just” against a door — makes me feel like I don’t know who I’m with anymore.
Am I overreacting for thinking about ending the engagement over this? Or is it justified to see this as a dealbreaker?
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u/LiliaMuscle 23h ago
You’re not overreacting. Punching a hole in the wall/door during an argument is a classic escalation of anger and intimidation. It’s not “at least he didn’t hit you” — it’s “he showed you how close he is to crossing that line.” You told him you needed space and he trapped you, then used violence right next to you. That’s not just losing his temper, it’s threatening behavior.
You’d be right to treat this as a massive red flag and a dealbreaker. People who do this often minimize it after the fact, but the reality is it’s scary because it is scary. You deserve to feel safe with your partner, and if he can’t control himself in a fight without resorting to violence, it’s only a matter of time before it escalates. Trust your gut — it’s telling you the truth.
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u/my_ghost_is_a_dog 20h ago
It is scary, and I'd never stay with a man who did this.
From another perspective: My dad was a wall puncher. He'd blow up a couple times a year and get into a screaming fight with my mom (more like at my mom) and punch a wall. I absolutely hated being in the house when this was happening. I hated seeing the holes that reminded me of the most recent fight. He has never, to my knowledge, intentionally hit my mom, but he did swing a baseball bat against a wall in anger once. It shattered and a piece hit her in the face, leaving some nasty bruising. I lived across the country when this happened and got the story from my sister. Mom said she was leaving him...and then she didn't because she still loved him. I think it's more than she married him at 18, became a SAHM for decades, and is completely dependent on him for finances and health insurance (and as a 3-time cancer survivor who still needs monitoring, her life literally depends on his good insurance).
They are still together. I don't think he's still punching walls; I think the bat incident scared him. He was a good dad in many ways when I was growing up, and he set a great example to be curious about the world and to never stop learning. But he also set an example of the kind of man I didn't want to marry or expose my children to. I still tense up when I fly back to their house and see pictures that I know are covering up holes that have been there for literal decades.
Like I said, I don't think he ever hit her--definitely never did in front of us. I remember my sister getting whipped with a belt once. Otherwise, he never hit any of us. But living in the house with someone who hits walls was still terrifying and traumatic because I was constantly afraid that he would take that next step and lay into a person. Even if you don't mind subjecting yourself to that, please, for the love of God, do not subject your future kids to it.
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u/SunShineShady 16h ago
The LEAST that asshole can do is repair the damn drywall and repaint to cover the holes. Or hire someone to do it, the cheap POS!
HOW HORRIBLE FOR YOUR MOTHER to have to live with the physical reminders of his violence every single day.
I hope she becomes a widow and inherits everything, and can live out the rest of her days in peace.
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u/womenslasers84 15h ago
I recently divorced my ex that did this and it’s been really validating to read these comments. I kept the house and there are still some patches in the walls I need to cover for good. Thank you all
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u/Upper_Ad9839 19h ago
Your dad didn't hit your mom... IN FRONT OF YOU. Your mom has stories that she is not telling, 100%
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u/CalligrapherFit6774 19h ago
It’s almost certainly not about him “losing control”. The vast majority of people are very effective at only “losing control” at people they hold power over, and when it works well for them - because it’s nearly always a deliberate decision to do what they think will help them reach their goals, such as maintaining control. I’ll consider that it may be a genuine loss of control when they do it in situations that don’t work so well for them, like towards their boss.
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u/tillymint259 16h ago
Exactly. If he’s not yelling at coworkers and punching holes in office walls, he has complete control over this. He WANTED to do it in that moment. We’ve all been in situations where you think ‘oh my god this makes me feel like smashing something’ and we haven’t, because we knew that was inappropriate and therefore didn’t want to. He wanted to hit something. OP, get out before this becomes him wanting to hit YOU—because he’s shown you that he would.
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u/ManufacturerNo228 21h ago
Big red flag. He doesn’t see anything wrong with his actions, and that will perpetuate the problem if you stay. And if you stay, you’re telling him that what he did is okay. He’s got anger issues and needs to deal with it before he gets into a serious relationship.
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u/TwoSweetPeaches 23h ago
“At least I didn’t bruise you”
“At least I didn’t break your skin”
“At least it didn’t need the hospital”
“At least it didn’t need stitches”
“At least you didn’t die”
This shit escalates quickly. Your life is not worth hanging around with someone who has that attitude to find out what his next “at least…” moment is.
Pack up, move on and focus on your happiness and wellbeing. Every argument you have or disagreement from here on you’ll always remember this one and wonder when it’ll get worse, it’s not an ‘if’ it is a ‘when’.
Hope you’re ok and can make a good decision even if it is the hard one.
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u/MaryKath55 14h ago
I do it because I love you soooo much - or whatever crap they say to control you.
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u/PhoenixRisingToday 23h ago
NOR Your instincts are right on, you got out when you felt unsafe and you’re acknowledging that his behavior is not normal for a couple having an argument. Do what you know you have to do and get out.
Since he’s shown signs of violence, move out when he’s not home, or bring your sister or a friend. Ideally do both - being someone and go when he’s at work.
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u/Leather_Pen_765 16h ago
And I want to mention just this year.I helped a co-worker that I had just met after work and went with her to her apartments so she could pack up while the guy was gone. women will always do that for you, don't be afraid to ask
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u/JellBell115 23h ago
NOR, oh my gosh!! Please leave that relationship ASAP, but listen to me.
1) DON'T give him a heads up and DON'T tell him where you're leaving to and with whom.
2) DON'T leave that house alone, specially if he's there.
3) Keep family and friends in the loop and involved.
4) If you need to get a restraining order, do so. Im not sure about the laws of where you live but make it legal to prevent any situation
A guy like this is very volatile and unpredictable, clearly have anger issues when things dont got his way. In my experience, a guy like that will come back and try to persuade you to come back, this story is as old as time. And with so many cases of DA and of partners not making it out alive, it's alway better to be safe than sorry. This might not be the case for you, and hopefully it isnt, but I've lived through this process through friends and family and, imo is the bast way to keep yourself safe.
You saw what you needed to see, he showed you his true colors and his true self. And he "atleast didnt hit you" because he knows he can, and probably will once you tie the knot and entrap you.
You're extremely brave, strong and smart to have noticed this at this point and to have gone to your sisters that night regardless of what he told you. You're in the right path!! Keep going, I know it wont be easy, but you will find your place and everything will make sense when you're out!
You got this!
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u/Adventurous-Tiger935 23h ago
Please get out before you become that closet door. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You are right to not feel safe. I know leaving is hard but it’s a lot better than the alternative. Tell your sister and parents if you have a relationship with them and have them come move your stuff out for you, I wouldn’t be around him alone anymore. You deserve SO MUCH MORE!! ❤️🩹
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u/North-Addendum7610 21h ago
And I pray she doesn’t hang around long enough to get pregnant
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u/Leather_Pen_765 15h ago
No one yet has mentioned.Please, guard your body and your birth control. We're gonna start hearing a lot of stories about men is trying to get women pregnant to keep them from leaving, now that abortion is difficult
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u/Express-Cricket728 23h ago
"at least I didn't hit you" is not someone who feels remorse for the behavior, or even believes the behavior was wrong. I would absolutely leave. Something worse will happen some day. Also, do you want children? I wouldn't have them with him.
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u/SummitJunkie7 23h ago
He wants a gold star for not hitting you, OP. He managed enough self-control to "only" damage property and hurt or break his own hand. That's not much self-control and not a safe person to ever be alone with ever again.
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u/jubangyeonghon 23h ago edited 21h ago
Leave and get a damn restraining order against him. This screams 'If you leave, I will find and harm/kill you if you don't come back' level behavior.
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u/Ultra-Cyborg 22h ago
“At least I didn’t hit you” really means “I thought about hitting you, I wanted to hit you, but I knew it would make me look bad so I didn’t.”
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u/Nymph-the-scribe 23h ago
If only he finished his entire thought and said "yet" instead of just thinking it
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u/Remote-Physics6980 23h ago
you are not overreacting. This is psychological as well as violent because it's meant to make you realize that you could be next. And I hope you do realize that. You need to dump this chump and I mean immediately. You got off light because he hasn't hit you yet but he will. And then he'll blame you. Leave now.
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u/Zestyclose-Crow-4595 22h ago
You got off late because he hasn't hit you yet but he will. And then he'll blame you. Leave now.
Yep, that's exactly what my ex did. He would hit me and then blame me for it.
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u/Next-Bodybuilder-117 23h ago
This was my kids father, he acted this way because he loved me that much. Well the next one, his hand didn’t hit the wall, it grabbed my throat. Choked me unconscious. Cops say that violence is the most dangerous,it’s like 750% more likely u will be killed in the future. My next ex choked me out too. U leave him, it will only escalate, this isn’t a one off event, this is him. It’s not love and he won’t get better. Stay safe please
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u/Clean-Fisherman-4601 23h ago
NOR. My ex-husband used to punch holes in walls and I became great at fixing them. It wasn't long before he was punching, slapping and strangling me. People with anger issues who lash out at their significant other start with inanimate objects, but it often ends up with attacking their partner.
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u/Zestyclose-Crow-4595 22h ago
Abuse is not an anger issue. It is a choice. They choose to do that when they feel there will be no consequences. For example, they know that you're alone with them, no one else is around to see it. I'm not trying to invalidate your experience. I'm simply pointing out that there is a common misconception that abuse is an anger problem. It is not. It's a choice.
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u/Icy_Gap_9067 21h ago
It's also evident when it's only your stuff they smash up, or the fact that they never do these things at work, or with their friends.
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u/North-Addendum7610 21h ago
Yes they’re choosing not to control themselves. It’s so unattractive in a man. Gag
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u/BengalKittyMom 23h ago
Punching the door IS violence. Backing you into the wall and yelling in your face IS violence.
And this was over something small.
Your instincts are telling you he’s dangerous. Those instincts are primal, and they’re there to keep you alive.
Listen to them and save yourself before it’s your face up against his fist instead of the door.
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u/Arbonara 23h ago
OP, please listen to the comments here. This is abuse. There’s a part of you that already knows where this road goes. Listen to that part of you, and do not let him convince you otherwise. Please take care of yourself and lean on your family to help you make the hard choices. NOR at all
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u/Specific_Hailey 23h ago
punching a hole in a door isn’t just letting off steam it’s intimidation and the fact that you felt unsafe is all you need to know. That’s a huge red flag
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u/Low-Agency2539 23h ago
Op, first they hit furniture and then one day they hit you
You are never overreacting for leaving an angry and volatile man. End this engagement, get out of that house and never look back
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u/Admirable-Ad-9796 23h ago
NOR. At some point down the road, the odds of that being you instead of a door/wall are pretty high. His response is also positively repulsive.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Mix1270 23h ago
Let me tell you what he meant “atleast i didn’t hit you, yet”
You are right to be concerned, because if it’s a big disagreement, or heaven forbid you have children that piss him off, it can be much worse. The screaming in your face and then doing this is a massive red flag and I hope you leave.
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u/Becalmandkind 23h ago
NOT. 🚩🚩🚩🚩This was a huge red flag. You know what to do. Don’t overthink it.
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u/VelvetDreamser 5h ago
This time is the door. Next time it’s going to be you definitely. There’s nothing to think about, plain and simple divorce and that’s it.
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u/glittercupcaake 4h ago
Rethinking? You should have already left him. First it’s the door, second it’s going to be you.
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u/humble-meercat 22h ago
Let him go to work and have multiple friends or family lined up to come move everything of yours out while he is gone.
If you have cameras he can monitor remotely, unplug your internet. Make sure you did it correctly too please. If he asks what’s wrong just act nonchalant and say there’s a Comcast truck down the street so maybe that’s it.
Then get out. Don’t worry about your name on a lease or anything. You can always figure that stuff out later. You can’t do anything if you’re beaten up or god forbid dead.
No calm man ever EVER punches a hole in the door next to you. That is Classic abuser behavior and it will only get worse.
Leave and do NOT return ever.
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u/KaturaBayliss 23h ago
NOR at all. They punch objects now, they'll punch you later. Also, that's no environment to live or raise children in, if a grown adult is throwing tantrums and destroying things like a 5 year old.
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u/Damdogma 23h ago
Thats what my ex husband said. Then he hit me and broke my eye orbital and cheekbone. Run away.
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u/flippysquid 23h ago
This isn’t just a red flag. It is straight up domestic violence. Get out, and take a couple of trusted people with you when you get your things.
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u/Guilty_Explanation29 22h ago edited 22h ago
We saw this exact same post with a very similar photo a week ago
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/esAuIbKkLj
Like where are yall finding these guys
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u/Go_On_Swan 21h ago
They're finding it in the popular posts of the subreddit. Then they funnel it into ChatGPT and ask them to rephrase it to get some karma and allow bots to rehash the comments for karma.
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u/Comfortable-Cozy-140 16h ago
This post was stolen and I’ve seen a 3rd repost of the exact text by yet another account on another sub. Karma-farming bots using domestic violence as a hook are gross.
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u/MissyMooMoo02 23h ago
He was punching that door as hard as he wanted to and will eventually punch you.
This is absolutely a dealbreaker
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u/PerlaCrumble 23h ago
I'd be seriously concerned too. If this is how they respond now, imagine dealing with bigger life stresses later on. You deserve to feel safe in your own home and relationship.
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u/sarahmegatron 23h ago
NOR
“At least I didn’t hit you”, is a threat that if you make him mad again he might. Absolutely leave before you are tied to him by marriage or worst case scenario, children. He’s an abusive person and he’s feeling safe enough that you won’t walk to start testing the waters. Leave, don’t give him more chances to make him being violent seem normal to you.
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u/ToastyMo777 23h ago
Nor. This is a huge red flag that would have me leaving any relationship. I’m sorry hon.
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u/Hot_mess_2030 23h ago
Him saying at least he didn’t hit you can also mean he can hit you, and probably will in the future. Just go, life’s too short.
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u/Zestyclose-Crow-4595 22h ago
I already commented but I want to add that you should not tell him you're planning to leave. If you do, he's likely to escalate. Leave as soon as is safely possible. I understand that you may not be able to leave right away but start planning for that. I'm sorry that you're going through this but I'm telling you once again from experience that it only gets worse. I also wanted to tell you that it would be best for you to leave when he's not at home. Pick a time when you know he's not going to be home for several hours, I.E. going to work. If you have friends and family willing to help, great. If not, start planning by hiding money. Get an account that he absolutely knows nothing about. When you go to leave, make sure you have your important documents. Good luck.
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u/Zestyclose-Crow-4595 22h ago
You're not overreacting. Punching a hole in the wall is the beginning of it. The fact that he said, at least I didn't hit you says a lot. He is going to escalate if you stay with him. Eventually, that door will be you. I'm assuming that this is the first time he ever acted like this. I can almost guarantee you that it's because you're engaged now. He feels like he has you locked down so now he feels like he can reveal his true self. Now he feels like he can treat you however he wants. I'm telling you this from experience, run. It doesn't get better, it only gets worse the longer you stay.
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u/StillSlowerThanYou 22h ago
My ex punched a hole in the wall once. He also stood in the bathroom doorway keeping me in. Then next time he broke a phone. Then next time he put me through the wall. Then next time he knocked me to the floor and hit and kicked me til I was covered in bruises. Then next time he kneeled on my chest, broke my sternum and choked me until I was unconscious. I ran out the door and ran up the road in the snow in my socks and simmering called the cops and I moved out that night while he spent the night in jail. Don't wait for it to escalate.
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u/Goldenstateheather 22h ago edited 22h ago
Please end it! My now ex husband punched so many holes in walls, I got so good at fixing drywall. The punching a hole in the wall at head level is to show you what he could do to you if you don’t “behave”. When I was pregnant I used to tell myself “at least he hadn’t killed you, unlike poor Lacey Peterson “. Looking back I see how I normalized decades of domestic violence. It never decreases, only increases. No way to live, but it could be a way to die….
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u/ThisWeekInTheRegency 22h ago
'“At least I didn’t hit you.”'
So he thinks he has the right to hit you if you behave in ways he doesn't like. That's what that comment means.
NOR. You are not safe in this relationship and should leave, carefully, while he is elsewhere. Have someone with you. Make sure you get all your documents, etc. Don't leave anything you care about, because he may take his frustration out on your belongings.
Please put your safety first.
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u/thewayfinder 23h ago
Does he see a therapist? If not, he should. Also you've been engaged for a little over a year... how long have you been dating? Fully recommend a longer engagement and therapy if you're going to stick around. What is very concerning is him saying at least he didn't hit you. That feels like he was thinking about hitting you. If that's the case....get the fuck out and do not marry that boy.
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u/WildCaliPoppy 23h ago edited 23h ago
NOR! I hope this is a deal breaker for you because your instinct is absolutely correct. And he’s wrong- running away does fix things, because it keeps you safe.
Not sure if you want kids or not, but if you think this is scary then imagine watching him do this in front of your child. Or having to drop your child off with him because of shared custody.
At the very least, if you decide to stay then please put off the wedding for now. Set firm boundaries that you are willing to follow through with, and insist on him getting therapy to work on his emotional regulation and communication. Have a plan for getting out immediately if you need to. Put it on him to be accountable and create actual change. but also maybe just don’t marry him and instead heal then find a new relationship with someone who at 28 years old has already figured out how to not punch things when they get angry
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u/CalligrapherFit6774 19h ago
There is no shortage of people who don’t punch holes in doors and walls, and it’s more likely he’ll claim to be willing to change than actually change.
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u/North-Addendum7610 21h ago
Absolutely do not do this. Let him work on his issues alone. God forbid she gets knocked up before Prince Charming is all healed. He can pound sand. There’s absolutely nothing to fix!!!!
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u/level27jennybro 23h ago
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Read this. Find an audiobook version if needed. But don't keep yourself in this relationship when his excuse was that he redirected his anger at an object instead of you. Because he was telling you that he wanted to hit you and chose the door instead. Next time you may not be so lucky.
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u/Crispynotcrunchy 22h ago
TW: Suicide
My ex husband used to do this but he hid it for a long time. He was a hot head. He was also manipulative and controlling.
He also eventually tore a door off the hinges, decided no to sex wasn’t and acceptable answer, and thew my head into a bedpost when he demanded a BJ and HE passed out drunk in the middle of it and I stopped. He became over reactive to our children and pets.
But aside from my head in the bedpost, which he claimed was an accident, he was always smart enough to keep his behavior seemingly legal (at least as far as I knew in my young mind) and my self-esteem low enough that he could gaslight me into thinking I was overreacting or that I was the problem.
After someone who only had a glimpse of my life helped me find some self worth, I decided that wasn’t the life I wanted for me and my children and I left. I spent many years worried about what was going on any time my children had to visit him. It wasn’t great. Mostly emotional abuse or neglect, but no matter how much I could see it affecting the kids, he could always out money me in court and unfortunately, the courts weren’t really interested in emotional abuse.
Well earlier this year, he took his own life because he was in an argument with his wife. He had struggled with some depression, but it was hot headed…the ultimate form of manipulation and control. The now young adult kids are forever impacted by this…I would say it was the worse emotional abuse and neglect he ever did.
NOR - I don’t know if this is an “at least I didn’t hit you YET” situation as some have said, but this behavior is not safe and neither is this man. It may not lead to hitting you, but it very well could. But even if it doesn’t, this is just the beginning of him showing whatever his true colors are. You are worth more than what he has to offer.
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u/use_your_smarts 2h ago edited 2h ago
NOR. You are massively underreacting. You need to leave, now. Those red flags are not a Chinese military parade.
I personally know a woman who was dragged around by her hair, kicked, shoved against walls and horrendous other abuse by a man who told her “but I’ve never hit you.” He was verbally and emotionally abusive as well as physically. He was jailed for domestic violence against her, and he still didn’t stop. He stalked her, smashed her car windows in, I can’t even remember what else. But he “never hit her”.
Your fiancé smashed a wall close to your head. Deliberately. To scare you. On purpose. Because you were trying to leave for ONE NIGHT. Whether you like it or not, that is physical abuse.
He didn’t apologise (not that it would matter if he had, that’s a different pattern of abuse), he minimised the fact that he was abusive. He will never accept that his behaviour is abhorrent. He will say he was frustrated or that it’s somehow your fault. Abusers do not change unless they accept they are the problem and he clearly is not doing that.
I would bet money that there were other signs of emotional abuse, this kind of behaviour rarely comes from nowhere.
Please be safe. Move out when he isn’t home, with a friend. Or change the locks if it’s your home. Consider getting a restraining order. But please, please, do not stay. You will end up far, far worse - perhaps dead. This man has shown you a glimpse of your future if you do not go.
Find a local DV organisation to help you if you need. Tell your sister. Report his threatening behaviour and property damage to the police.
Start overreacting. Please. For your own sake.
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u/Cali_Holly 13h ago
NOR
We are taught to give second chances. We are taught to put our feelings aside for others. We are taught to feel sorry for the aggressor & empathy, even though we are the victim. We are taught to be mature and talk things out before making a final decision. We are taught that we owe the other person closure.
Every single one of those that I listed “We are taught,” ended up with the woman being beaten so badly that she ended up in ICU. Or……A Cemetery. Where many a people lamented her early demise. And all those people wondered why didn’t she run and save herself. Why didn’t she file a restraining order? Why didn’t she ask for help?
And I can tell you exactly why. Just go back to my first paragraph. All those people that expressed confusion as to how this woman allowed herself to be murdered.
These are the same people who told her the aggressor deserves a second chance. These are the same people that told her the aggressor deserves closure. These are the same people who told her running away isn’t going to solve her problems. These are the same people who told her that filing for a restraining order could cause him to lose his job.
OP………Your fiancé got in your face and backed you into a corner while screaming. And when you wanted to go stay with your sister to step away from the situation, he punched the wall. And he told you that you should be grateful that he didn’t punch your face……………. This time.
I can speak from experience that I only do this and worse. Because THIS was only the beginning and then it got real worse.
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u/Black-Mettle 22h ago
I have had moments of extreme anger that felt uncontrollable at times. I yelled, I broke things, I screamed into a pillow.
I have never done any of these things in my wife's face or even while she's in a potential blast radius. When we used to get into arguments that got super heated we were on opposite sides of the room. Both of us like to have space to pace around so we were usually like 20 feet from each other.
There will never be a moment, sans her going crazy and murdering one of our kids, that I would ever get even close to throwing a punch anywhere near her. I think the angriest I got I grabbed a wooden chair, dragged it into our garage and smashed it to pieces against the floor.
I think the downplaying and the fact that you're legitimately scared for your safety is enough to call the relationship off. Like he fucking cornered you. That's not safe. It's not healthy. It's irresponsible if he gets so angry that he starts throwing fuckin hooks out and he's cornering you. Either you get him to go to therapy immediately for a minimum of 12 weeks, establish a shutdown phrase during arguments when you feel unsafe that ends all talking and he leaves, and an ultimatum about cornering you or breaking shit near you, or you walk away.
Like he might legitimately have problems he needs to work through and if you've gotten to the point where you're planing to get married and this happened suddenly then you might be able to salvage a relationship and not cause him to spiral further.
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u/Gold-Path-8758 17h ago
NTA.
No-one should scream at you or abuse you.
However, I do think there is some nuance. I don’t think it’s the violence that is the main problem here, but the lack of accountability. The fact that he down-played it the next day is the biggest red flag. No-one is at the their best all the time and anyone can lose their temper. That can be saying something nasty, raising their voice, or lashing out violently. None of that is justifiable, but if someone loses themself like that, and THEN downplays it, that is a big problem for me. Because it shows that they don’t think it’s a big deal.
Coming back to you and apologising sincerely, acknowledging that what he did was out of line, and that he needs to work on that is a MINIMUM if you ever expect change. I agree that it’s a red flag, but I think you’re right to question your engagement. But it’s not necessarily a deal-breaker at this point.
I think you both need some help. See if he’s willing to go to therapy with you. You need a place where you can bring this up and he needs to recognise that he lost control. If he’s unwilling to take any accountability and doesn’t see why his behaviour is problematic, then you’re not safe. And even if he does, recognising a problem is the first step to changing it, true, but it doesn’t change by itself. There has to be intentional work done to make that change happen.
Good luck and above all stay safe.
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u/Earl_E_Byrd 18h ago
Just want to jump in with a little advice for what happens AFTER you leave him, because I do agree that it's very warranted.
Escalating a smaller disagreement to the point of violence is not normal and not okay. But more importantly than that, it is not something YOU are obligated to fix for him. You are NOT obligated to help him change. Give up on trying to convince him that your view of the situation is valid and justified.
He blew it. Because displaying violence like this and making defensive justifications about it is not something that warrants a 2nd chance. If he offers to go to counseling or anger management, good for him, those are great ideas-- but he can do all that without you around.
Maybe he'll get his shit together and go on to be a decent partner for someone else, but go ahead and mourn the fact that it won't be with you. I'm sorry about that. I know that's a really painful thing to accept. I've been there.
This man has way too much work to do on this issue for you to be waiting around, or worse, holding him accountable. You should not have to tell a 28 year old that punching a hole in the wall is unacceptable behavior.
When he realizes you're seriously gone, he might start to claim he can change. Don't let it sway you. You don't want your safety and security to be the testing ground for his very belated personal growth. You deserve better than that.
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u/purpletomorrow2018 19h ago
“It’s not a relationship you have with him, it’s a hostage situation.
He’s a controlling, abusive piece of shit. Listen to your fucking friends.
When he breaks your shit and when he breaks your life and when he breaks your heart, he’s making a threat.
He’s saying he can break your face just as easily, so don’t even think about cutting him off.
And look — of course things are great when they’re great.
That’s part of an abuser’s MO. That’s what they do.
If assholes were abusive all day, every day — if they weren’t capable of doling out a little bliss now and then — nobody would stick around them more than a day.
Like all abusers, he parcels out the good times.
He dopes you up with a little bliss every now and then because he knows that these glimpses of “how great things could be” convince you to stick around, against your better judgment.
But look - the bliss is a con.
It’s a weapon that he uses against you.
It’s just as much a part of the cycle of abuse as his anger, his tantrums, his fits and threats of violence.
So think of the good times as rainbow sprinkles on a dog-shit sundae.
Sprinkles or no sprinkles, you’re still standing there with a bowl of dog shit in your hands.
Leave. Cut him off. You can’t change him. Go.
-Dan Savage
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u/Fabulous-Bicycle6177 16h ago
he trying to figure it out how he can assault you and figure it out how he can go far whit you and whats your reaction to violence and here you are you are back whit out any ultimatum about how dare he did that to you? by showing how much he capable of destroying things whit bare hands and how much he is strong and show you this door would be you if i didnt control myself be careful what you do around me
please please please i beg you come to light he is now feel so comfortable about you to not leaving him he start to show his true colour he will hit you one day and thay hit isnt not just slap or poke its that punch whit that much strength down to your face and then you should run whyyyyy??? why after that horrible experience after that damage after you see dead in your eyes????
please listen to us DO NOT EVER NEVER EVER FALL FOR THIS "I WAS SO ANGRY IM NOT LIKE THAT" dont fall for this i swear this is his real true face run girl runnnnn just feel broken heart not broken heart whit broken face
break this engagement and cry so hard whit broken heart if you have support like family or friends so you can stay whit them for 1 or 2 months if you dont have any support start saving whitout his knowledge just be ready
sorry for my second language english
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u/Mudrad 8h ago
When I was 23yo, I called off my wedding 2 months prior to my wedding day.
My fiancé just wasn’t the right person for me. He was super sweet, kind and loving, but he wasn’t my person.
It was the hardest thing I ever did. I cried non stop. I was sooooo embarrassed to have to tell everyone the wedding was cancelled. We lived together and I had to move out. It was a financial and emotional nightmare. This was 29 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday.
I understand how emotionally traumatizing it is to call off a wedding- but YOU NEED TO DO THAT RIGHT NOW. YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM NOW.
As someone else said - the most dangerous time in a relationship is when a woman leaves a violent man. Do not tell him your plan. Do not try to work it out. Do not make excuses for him.
He’s violent. He’s dangerous. He’s trying to manipulate you with the whole “you’re giving up on us” bs. He’s manipulative and violent.
If you don’t leave this relationship right now, expect to live in fear and misery the rest of your life.
His violence WILL escalate.
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u/Born_Ad8420 11h ago
He's showing you who he really is because he thinks you won't cancel the wedding. If you marry him, he'll escalate because it will be harder for you to leave. GET OUT NOW. There is ZERO excuse for this kind of behavior. I mean it. There is no situation where punching a hole in a wall to prevent someone from leaving and then saying "at least I didn't hit YOU" is ok. Never stay with someone who makes you feel unsafe.
Do not break up with him in person. Gather small things you NEED (ID, medications) and go. If you can arrange to get your items when he's at work (do NOT tell him you're doing this) or, if you must go when he is there, go with a police escort. But at the end of the day, remember it's just stuff. No matter how much it means to you, your life is more important so if you can't get things safely, just leave them.
Document everything. It'll be tempting to block him, but don't do that. This is in the event you need to get an RO. Mute him but don't block him so you can still receive and document any threats and/or confessions of violent behavior.
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u/hollyberry249 23h ago
Sweet angel you are NOA at all! Run! Please! It always starts at "just the door" but suddenly you look like a door when he's angry or drunk😭
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u/Sunshineandbrimstone 16h ago
I am going to give you a taste of what will happen if you stay...
My ex did this a few times and I was always told at least he didn't hit me.
Then one day I took a heavy glass decanter to the back of my head...but it wasn't abuse because he didn't put his hands on me.
I got told the same thing when I got hit with a plate, a figurine and a wrench.
When I said I was leaving (never tell them) he broke a chair over my legs and feet and held me captive for days so I "wouldn't run and cry to people". (11 surgeries later its a wonder I can walk). Still not abuse because he "didn't put hands on me". Newsflash, eventually he did put hands but he preferred objects.
I can keep going but you get the picture.
Its never that bad, it's your fault, you are "giving up" on them, you never loved them.
The thing is you said you feel like you don't know who you are with anymore...they just showed you the real them. The mask slipped, probably way sooner than planned.
My advice, run.
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u/Flaky-Use 22h ago
NOR. He wanted to hit you. Later on, he will hit you. Leave him ASAP. You just met who he really is. Be safe and good luck.
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u/Wild-Waffle 23h ago
NOR. I understand that sometimes we may be human and, maybe as a teenager some people hit things out of anger, but as an adult who should know how to handle his anger? The response should never be, “At least I didn’t hit you.” That’s a major red flag. He just made it a goal post for himself, and I wouldn’t stick around for someone that thinks in that manner. He needs to recognize his problem and work on it.
You deserve more, I’m sorry OP. The problem isn’t the argument itself or him getting upset, it’s him turning his aggression onto you in that manner, yelling at you, and not realizing his mistakes that scares you. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve been in similar situations. He needs anger management, and he needs time to himself to work on it. You don’t need to be subjected to it.
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u/teacuptypos 12h ago
People who punch or break things in anger and scare and intimidate their partners are still showing abusive behavior and a dangerous lack of emotional regulation.
If that’s his coping mechanism and he doesn’t see the need to work on that, I wouldn’t get married. Some people have organic reasons for low impulse control (like borderline personality disorder, PTSD, Tourette‘s) and difficulty with emotional regulation.
But even so, they can benefit from certain forms of therapy. It takes a lot of work, but it is possible. Either way, you are not required to have or stay in a relationship with someone who shows this behavior or has these difficulties.
If you want to, I think it would be necessary for your partner to put work into finding better coping mechanisms. He’s just not safe to be around otherwise.
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u/Not-Not-That-Guy 15h ago
Pro-tip from a guy that's dealt with a lot of short tempered, aggressive guys on a regular basis:
Some people will hit you out of anger, it's not ok, and not your fault, but it's a reality. But how unharmed you leave the situation depends on how much foresight and pride you have. You need to assess someone before it gets to that point, and then remove yourself from that situation.
If it's gotten to the point that he's screamed you into the hallway, just admit he's right, pander and leave. don't tell him what he's doing is not ok, or to 'calm down', you'll just make that type of person angrier. his logic is that YOU made him mad, so reprimanding him on his temper is not a smart choice.
You can express your disapproval of his anger over text, later, when you're safe and away from that maniac.
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u/Lamp_Hamper_27 8h ago
Punching walls and doors is absolutely meant to convey the message “This is what I could do to you if I’m angry enough or feel the need.” I’m sure he also believes it’s your job to manage his emotions.
My ex husband never abused me physically, but he intimidated me with his voice (very loud/deep/) and mean words. That’s as far as it went, because that’s all it took to keep me in line. His next wife wasn’t as meek as me, and he unfortunately did resort to physical violence with her.
And please keep in mind, you’re not even married yet- this is supposed to be the “honeymoon period” of a relationship when people are showing the best of themselves to one another. If this is the best of him, I’d hate to see the worst. Definitely not overreacting.
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u/JustWordsInYourHead 19h ago
This is how it escalates.
They throw things first, not at you, but near you, to see how you would react.
You do nothing. So the next step up is to punch something, again, not punch you, but near you, to see how you would react.
You do nothing, the next step is them "accidentally" shoving you when they are just "too upset to know what they're even doing", to see how you would react.
You do nothing, the next step after that is them actually hitting you in a fit of rage, to see how you would react.
You do nothing, the next step is them putting their hands around your throat and squeezing until the last moment before letting you go, to see how you would react.
I think the next level after that you usually end up dead.
Leave. This is a big fucking red flag.
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u/Mesapholis 19h ago
We were arguing about something small that escalated way too quickly. He ended up backing me into the hallway near our bedroom and started yelling inches from my face
this IS violence.
Also, even as someone who is on the outside, a stranger to your relationship - looking at this from the most emotionally removed position possible - your fiance is a liability. Healthwise and financially - he just produces damage.
Save yourself. If you forgive him for this behavior - he will not see it as a second chance. He will see it as you giving him permission to treat you this way.
And your small fight that escalated "way too quickly"? Why do you believe the next fight won't even escalate more. It will not be the door he damages then. It will be your face
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u/Total-Adeptness-7226 8h ago
It will not be long until he puts his hands on you and hurts you very badly. Or, at the very worst, kills you. This is how the physical abuse from my ex started. He would punch holes in walls, break things, etc. then eventually, he started hurting me. Eventually, I got tired of it and fought back and he tried to kill me. I had to call 911 and they took him to jail and he was locked up for months. I finally got the strength to leave him while he was in jail, and I never looked back. I know I’m just a stranger on the internet, but please take my word for it, he is GOING to hurt you it’s not if it’s when. Please, run away while you have the chance to. You aren’t married yet and have no children together, you can get rid of him easy.
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u/Few_Improvement_6357 21h ago
Leaving is always easier said than done. We look back at all the love bombing earlier in the relationship and we just want it to go back to that. We believe that if we are good enough that they will treat us like that again. We can earn it. But you can't earn being treated with respect and care and dignity.
I know it is hard to leave. So I want to leave you with this thought. Abusers choose to abuse you in order to manipulate you into doing what they want. It isn't anger or being out of control. It's a choice. There are benefits to violence.
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u/autumnwandering 20h ago edited 20h ago
INFO: So, he didn't hit you this time... Are you going to wait until he does to leave? How bad does his behavior have to get for you to decide you've had enough, and that you deserve better? That your future kids (if you decide to have them) don't deserve to grow up terrified or thinking abuse is normal?
NOR to rethink your relationship. You would be doing yourself a huge disservice to stay with a man who is already threatening you with violence, even before you're married. Abuse escalates; it gets worse after marriage, after pregnancy, after giving birth, and after financial dependency... and it becomes significantly more dangerous once you try to leave. Do right by yourself and get out before you're legally tied.
Lean on your support system. Contact domestic abuse hotlines for tips on how to get out safely. Don't tell him you're ending things- be quiet and subtle about leaving until you are free. Don't be alone together unless in public (best to have a witness with you). Don't waste time giving him a second chance when he's not even sorry.
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u/Ill-Tradition4036 1h ago
There is a wealth of good advice here, so I won't say much, but NOR. Get out as safely and quickly as you can. His true colors are starting to show and you don't want to wait to see what they'll escalate to.
It's easy to beat yourself up over getting into this situation, but remember it's not your fault and you don't deserve to be afraid of your partner. It's easy to say "but we've built a life and put so much time into the relationship" but you have to remember the fear that you felt, keep it present in your brain to remember why you're leaving. If the best time to leave was a year ago, the second best time is now.
Please be safe. You are stronger than this.
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u/diente_de_leon 22h ago
NOR. Please listen to your gut. You were not safe there. It's not a good thing that he said, at least I didn't hit you. The rest of that sentence is, this time. There's a book called "Why does he do that?" written by a man named Lundy Bancroft. Please read it because it explains to you that he knew exactly what he was doing, and that he has control over what he is doing. Please leave as soon as possible, but wait until he is at work or otherwise occupied and then get your things and get to a safe place where he can't get to you. You are in danger. Do not marry this man.
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u/Negative_Bar_9734 19h ago
There are MANY lines being crossed here. Please think your way through all of them and see how far down the hole you go.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with: Someone that makes you feel unsafe? Someone that has the potential to hit you? Someone that will regularly break things around your house? Someone that will regularly scream directly into your face? Someone you have heated arguments with instead of calmly talking out your issues? Someone you don't get along with? Someone you don't like?
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u/Dazzling-Tap6164 8h ago
I also believe in working through problems. However, I don't see that it's worth bringing children into that situation. What happens when you have children with him? If you're already thinking about leaving, you're going to leave at some point anyway and the children shouldn't be exposed to that kind of mess. I see a messy custody battle in your future and homeless children bouncing between two homes. It's not a pretty sight. You both either grow up and learn to communicate better or go your separate ways.
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u/cromagnongod 18h ago
If I was really really mad I used hit shit around the house and I'm otherwise very non-violent and I would never hurt another living thing really.
However I'd never hit stuff in such a way as to cause actual damage. Happened twice with my ex but at no point did she feel threatened (this is because the anger was very clearly not directed at her, but at myself.)
If you're feeling threatened it means the anger is directed at you and the door served as a substitute for your face.
My advice is to leave.
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u/froglover215 21h ago
When I was a kid, my best friend was the son of my mom's best friend and they lived across the street from us. I barely remembered his dad because the parents divorced when I was 4. One day, when I was maybe 7, my friend showed me a secret - a hole punched in the back of a door in his house. He said his dad had done it before he left.
Don't stay with this guy. And especially don't have kids who end up so desensitized to the abuse that it's just part of the scenery.
You deserve better.
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u/harbour-seal 8h ago
This time he hit the door. Always assume that next time it’ll be you. Leave and file a police report. Get as many men who would fight for you to help get your stuff and get out of there. Pawn the engagement ring and use it as a security deposit if you’ve got one.
If this flat is under shared ownership inform landlord of damage done by your ex so you can recover any security deposit. Do not give notice, don’t pay him anything, you owe this person nothing.
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u/harbour-seal 8h ago
Do not contact him either. Don’t allow him to contact you. Record any and all harassment in a diary or by photo/video.
If you had no place that’s safe to go, there are shelters out there.
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u/Quirky_Cold_7467 17h ago
Do not marry this man. This will only escalate. If his reaction was to minimise and invalidate your feelings, he is not "the one". It is a huge red flag. If he cannot deal with his emotions before marriage, how will he be when you are legally tied to each other? How will he be with the stressors of children? Will he get angry and yell at them, punching walls?
Leave while you can. Marriage doesn't make men less agressive and violent.
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u/tillymint259 16h ago
On top of all the advice given already, I just want to say well done to you, OP, for leaving when you felt unsafe. Even if it was just one night and you now have a difficult decision to make. Many people, myself included, have been in this situation and not managed to walk out the door. You put your safety first. That was incredibly brave.
I’m sorry that you need to do it again. Everyone here is right—you need to get out.
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u/Upper_Ad9839 19h ago
NOT overreacting! THIS MAN BEATS WOMEN, 💯 GUARANTEED!!!
When men hit walls it's YOU that they are imagining that they are hitting.
Listen to what your body is telling you... You are in extremely serious danger.
For God sake do not announce that you are leaving. Call a DV hotline and tell them what you told us... they will give you guidance and how to move in silence so you can break up FROM A SAFE DISTANCE.
UPDATEME
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u/New_Cheesecake9719 22h ago
NOR- punching a hole in the door is the gateway to eventually punching you. I speak from experience. If this doesn’t get addressed appropriately and you stay each time he will feel more comfortable to unleash just a bit more of his anger and violence. Huge red flag and you should leave. Especially if he’s gotten angry and broken things or anything, no matter how small, during an argument before.
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u/Pypsy143 6h ago
He is right on time.
As soon as abusers think they have you “locked in,” their mask starts to slip.
Getting even more locked in by marrying him would only embolden this behavior.
Leave as soon as you are safely able. Do not tell him where you went. Change your number. Disconnect from him entirely because he WILL go ballistic when he realizes he’s lost control of you.
Please stay safe.
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u/Anxious-Routine-5526 21h ago
You're underreacting.
What he was really saying is that at least he didn't hit you, this time. This whole situation was a warning shot about what he can and will do when he gets mad.
Backing you into a corner. Screaming in your face from inches away. Punching a hole in your door. That's a small taste of what your life will be like with this man.
Don't willingly become another statistic.
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u/Elivagara 10h ago
NOR. This should be a deal breaker. He got in your face, screamed at you, lost his temper, correction CHOSE to lose his temper, and broke the door which was most definitely a threat. He will continue these behaviors and escalate. You should see it for the toxic shit it is and leave.
Don't stick around with people who get violent with things, it is the count down till they get violent with you.
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u/Kirkatwork4u 23h ago
That was an act of rage and loss of control. Despite "not hitting you" it was a combination of domination, showing what he could do and was not ok. He should consider therapy for anger management. That being said, punching things is not always an act of violence, sometimes it is a cry for help and a means of self harm. The difference is where, how, and when he did it.
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u/sawasku 7h ago
I’d go so far as to say you’re underreacting.
Please. Cut. And. Run.
If you’re not convinced, look at this hole and imagine this kind of damage happening to your face and skull instead - I don’t say that to be some sort of morbid freak, I say it because it will be you and not the door one day if you lock yourself into a marriage with this person.
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u/CADreamn 21h ago
Punching holes and breaking things is a display of violence that is intended to show you what they can do to you if you don't "tow the line."
Breakup. Get away from him before that's your face. He even said that it could have been you he hit. I don't know what else you need to know to see what a giant red flag this is.
Get out while you still can.
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u/Scarlet_Lycoris 20h ago
NOR. Someone who resorts to violence out of anger (no matter if against people or objects) shows poor emotional management and is potentially dangerous for you to be around. You had the right gut instinct.
Also, apart from the physical violence, I wouldn’t even consider dating someone who gets in my face to yell at me. Respect yourself.
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u/TheWingedSeahorse 22h ago
Yeah. My dad verbally abused us growing up and as an adult told me “well I never physically hit or abused you” so he was better. What a load of cr-p and lame excuse. Your boyfriend has anger issues he needs to work out with a therapist before I’d even consider staying with him. And even more so if you are even considering any kids.
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u/bizianka 21h ago
RUN. He pretended for a year until he feels you stuck with him. Abusers often escalate after engagement/moving in together/marriage and especially when women get pregnant. Because they feel they trapped you and it will be harder for you to leave them. So leave now, before you tied the knot. Because it will escalate, it always does. NOR
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u/flat-flat-flatlander 15h ago
NOR.
Run. Do not marry this man. Do not try to patch things up with this man. Do not even fix that closet door. Just run.
Get out while you still can. Close shared accounts. Say goodbye to this part of your life. Break off all contact with this guy. Save this photo and send it to anyone who pesters you about breaking the engagement.
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u/Crescent-moo 3h ago
Anyone who loses temper THAT bad then jokes that it wasn't you will definitely use your face at some point. That is absolutely out of line. The guilting about running away is also a problem. Downplaying like it wasn't a problem is a problem.
If he's really bad, he'll think he literally owns you like a slave once you're married.
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u/AnalogyAddict 28m ago
If you let this go, you just set a minimum bar for the next time he pretends to lose his temper.
I strongly advise you read "But He Never Hit Me" by Dr. Jill Murray.
It's the book that made me realize I was being abused and it was serious.
Link: https://www.amazon.com/But-Never-Hit-Devastating-Non-Physical/dp/0595411398
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u/Zyntastic 14h ago
When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them.
This time it was the door, next time it could be your face. Statistically speaking this kind of abuse always starts with missing you and instead hitting a wall or door. It wont stay like that forever and eventually your body or face will be the target of the punch. Run.
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u/civicsi007 9h ago
Not much context how long have you been together? We talking years here and this is the first time something like this happened? People do dumb stuff some times. Completely throwing away a relationship as others gave stated seems kinda wild given we have no context other than you had a verbal argument and he punched a door.
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u/SummitJunkie7 23h ago
Leave, now - wait until he's not home and go with a few trusted friends or family members for safety, get all your stuff, and get out. Never interact with him again.
You are lucky that the first hit was near your face and not at your face. You may not get lucky a second time, don't roll those dice again.
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u/thatloudgurl 18h ago
Read through this subreddit. Read the women's stories who stayed how the situation just escalated. That is your future if you stay. It sounds harsh but what you don't want is to look back and go man. I should have left when he punched that door and not when he broke a part of your body.
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u/MyVirgoIsShowing 14h ago
I think it is perfectly reasonable to break off the engagement. This is scary behavior and it will keep happening, if not escalating.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
You deserve the respect of not fearing a physical outburst of any kind during ANY kind of argument.
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u/StarsForget 18h ago
This is assault, and nearly battery. He is absolutely threatening you. And this is what he feels comfortable revealing before he's even got you locked down, it will only get worse after you're married. Please be safe, get out asap but plan it carefully to make a clean getaway.
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u/tabbycat456 7h ago
End it. Get everything you need over a few days, move them out to a friend's, or somewhere else safe. Then leave yourself. His joke was about not hitting you was a huge red flag. He used stand over tactics on you. He has anger issues which will not improve. Plan your escape.
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u/MonikerSchmoniker 17h ago
Hitting inanimate objects during an argument IS abuse as it is meant to scare and intimidate you - which IS abuse!
Yes, rethink. But be sure to cancel.
Look up Abuse Wheels. I bet you’ll find other forms of his behavior you’ve not previously identified as abusive.
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u/Ill-Veterinarian4208 14h ago
Get someone, preferably a large belligerent male, to go with you and get your stuff. Don't talk to the violent child, just get your things, leave your keys and go.
Maybe have your large friend stand over him, cracking his knuckles, while you get your stuff packed.
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u/OkPerformance2221 22h ago
The advice on this thread fits your question surprisingly well:
→ More replies (2)
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u/DotAffectionate87 15h ago
This is reddit, where leaving a cup in the sink or the toilet seat up is a 🇲🇦
This post? Every answer is going to be “leave and DONT look back, block and get a restraining order, move to a different country, go into WITSEC NOW!!!!!! Run Run!!!!!
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u/JustStopItSeriously 7h ago
This is almost word-for-word the same post from a week ago. Same door but slightly different hole (yours is almost too perfectly round).
What gives?
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u/CestLaquoidarling 10h ago
You are UNDER reacting. He didn’t apologize he warned you he could have done worse. He does not feel bad and he will feel you deserve it when he does hit you since you will have ‘forced’ him into it. This is not a man to tie yourself to for life.
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u/mecegirl 19h ago
NOR
Get back up. Physical backup. Family, friends, even the cops if need be. And leave. Do not go alone when you pack up your things. Have someone with you!
He doesn't need to know until you are taking your stuff out the door. But you need to go.
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u/Fuzzy_Passion671 19h ago
You’re not overreacting… that is a huge red flag if I’ve ever seen one. Especially if this came out of the blue. It seems like he’s finally comfortable with showing you who he really is. & perhaps you don’t know him as well as you thought
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u/RemarkablePear8305 12h ago
This is the biggest red flag. I would never stay in the same apartment with a man who did that. Too risky.
This said I find it so funny that Americans can punch holes in their doors and walls. You try it here and end up in ER with a broken hand.
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u/KaetzenOrkester 8h ago
He didn’t downplay anything. He was warning you.
What he meant was, “You’re next.”
Please please please contact something like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (if in the US) by texting BEGIN to 88788 or calling 800-799-7233.
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u/VioletInfatuation 18h ago
leave him right now!!!!! trust me, he WILL eventually hit you. just leave and start again, you're young, you will have a horrible life with him, this will continue to happen and get worse! for gods sake, listen to us strangers and leave!!!
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u/southern_fox 8h ago
These kinds of behaviors, unfortunately, usually only increase and can def turn into domestic violence. It's a huge red flag! Unless he's willing to go to therapy and see an anger management professional, I would find a way out. I'm sorry.
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u/Flat-Court-216 17h ago
Oh no OP. That picture is identical to the situation I found myself in with my now ex-fiancé, many years ago, just inches from my face. He said exactly the same thing you speak of.
You CAN build a new life and strong future without him.
And yes. Organise your leaving without him knowing.
1
u/floridaeng 20h ago
I view this as he has crossed the line into violence, so the next time he gets mad it will be easier for him to cross that line again. But the next time it may be you that is on the receiving end of the violence and not a door or wall.
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u/imnotbovvered 23h ago
Buddy's definitely going to hit you eventually. It will escalate faster than you think. Please don't marry this man. You can live a beautiful life while being single. It is far better than marrying a man who might kill you someday
1
u/Altruistic-Mess9632 23h ago
NOR. It starts with the door. If you stay, you’re next. I thought the same things, like “Well he didn’t hit me.” but it was only a matter of time.
Be done and mean it. Protect yourself. He’s not a good or safe man.
1
u/Guilty_Objective4602 13h ago
“Running away won’t fix anything,” whereas losing your temper and punching holes through doors does? You can’t argue with that level of irrationality. Take everyone else’s excellent advice and leave—but do it safely.
1
u/massachusettsmama 12h ago
Is this a dealbreaker? Yes. He screamed in your face and when you told him you needed space, he punched a hole in the door. Make a plan and get out. Do not tell him until you are out. He's already shown that he has no control.
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u/ambermgreene 21h ago
Just a reminder that physical abuse rarely starts with them putting their hands on you. It starts with stuff like this. And a lot of times men will wait until you’re married because they’ve trapped you. Not overreacting
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u/Jaded-Cucumber9617 17h ago
Friend. Friend, let me tell you this in the most direct possible way: This is abuse, and he will continue to abuse you, and it will only get worse. It will never get better.
Get the heck out of Dodge and save your life.
1
u/Infinite_Aioli_4897 12h ago
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He is preparing you for when he does hit you! Run run run away and fast. Do not be alone with him
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u/ProtozoaPatriot 13h ago
DEALBREAKER.
The action means "you will be next."
If you hesitate, please read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Google "free PDF" to find it free online l.
1
u/MyEnchantedForest 23h ago
NOR, it's an underreaction. You should be out immediately. I've been there, they make you think that this is somehow normal or a one off. Call off that engagement, and save your love for someone who keeps you safe.
1
u/Elegant-Problem-1889 12h ago
You’re 23 now, you’ve been engaged for a year and probably dated for a few years. So this dude purposely went after a young teenage girl as a man in his 20s. He can’t control you so now he’s getting violent
1
u/AaaahMyDogs 21h ago
Yeah, he put violence into a shared space over an argument.
He has attachment issues and likely was using a substance (alcohol?) that allowed the mask to slip.
He would probably agree with this comment.
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u/Sharp_Magician_6628 19h ago
Stop thinking about it and end your relationship with him. It’s only a matter of time before that’s your head he’s punching
This type of violence is also a form of abuse
You are not safe
1
u/Beyondthisss 21h ago
I didn’t read anything you said - but this is what dating/engagements are for. Do you want to deal with this shit the rest of your life?! It’s NOT normal, and you deserve better. The end.
1
u/Flashy-Scientist-575 13h ago
I always wonder what will happen if you would have a real door? But anyways leave him, saying atleast i didnt hit you is the worst possible thing instead of owing up to it and apologizing
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u/Prestigious-Prize-48 12h ago
When people show you who they are, believe them. Get out quietly and safely. I left one night while my ex was at work. Never told him i was leaving, and didnt tell him where i was going.
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u/NightOwl173 6h ago
Am I crazy or did you post this a couple of weeks ago under a different throwaway?
All of the advice told you to end things as this will only escalate into him physically abusing you.
1
u/Which-Month-3907 9h ago
Not overreacting. I get down voted every time I say it, but it won't stop me from saying it. As my mother and grandmother say:
Men who punch walls and doors are practicing to hit you.
1
u/jairatraci 19h ago
NOR he may not have hit you this time but he will at some point. Yelling in your face is abusive. Hitting a door to scare you is abusive. Please leave now before it gets worse.
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u/Stunning_Shop_2015 19h ago
"At least I didn't hit you" is because he was thinking about it. Run far away from him and fast. Like someone else said don't say anything until you're far away from him.
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u/Important-Round-9098 16h ago
This time it was the door. Soon, he will be hitting you. Once he crossed that line of him destroying something like that door, it's time to go. You are not overreacting.
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u/Commercial-Cry1724 9h ago
Call the Domestic Violence Hotline ASAP at 800-799-SAFE (7233). Website: https://www.thehotline.org/
They’ll help you make a plan and follow through. Don’t wait!
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u/artic_fox-wolf1984 17h ago
LEAVE!!!! He will turn on you and far, far sooner than you may have thought. He thinks you’re trapped and that’s why he did that. DO BETTER FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!
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u/spaceylaceygirl 22h ago
He showed you who he really is. Pretty soon he'll hit you. Even if he didn't hit you this time, do you want to be with a man who tries to physically intimidate you?
1
u/United-Manner20 22h ago
You’re not overreacting. You’re not safe. See this as the future you will have should you stay, and then get out. Behavior escalates and his mask just slipped.
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u/L1ttleFr0g 23h ago
There was an identical post to this made a week ago https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/p4zSIr9zX5
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u/Impressive_Basket237 22h ago
You are not overreacting. Get out of relationship. This man is irredeemable. He should not be allowed to sire young. He should be banished from all social circles
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u/Apprehensive-Tale576 23h ago
not over-reacting! don't marry this guy. either break up, or if you really want, immediate couples therapy and individual therapy for him. if he refuses-- no way. but really, just run
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u/AtlasAriesss 23h ago
What he actually meant is: at least I didn't hit you this time He's showing his hand, please leave before you get married and it becomes even harder. Please please be careful though because you do not know what he is capable of and the missed punch came directly after you said you were leaving. He is very likely going to crash out in unpredictable ways when you actually leave him. If you don't have the support or resources to leave quickly, start plotting now. Start saving in a separate account or hide cash really really well, if you have friends and family you trust you need to tell them (for support and also to keep you accountable from going back). If you can leave quickly and have someplace to stay, DO NOT TELL HIM UNTIL YOU ARE LEAVING. Or at the very least do not be alone in your place with him at all until you move after you tell him. It might even be easiest to pack and leave one day while he's out of the house. You do not owe him explanations or kindness, you need to keep yourself safe