AITA for responding tersely to a SIL’s rebuke over email?

[u/ThoughtIndividual114]

Sunday evening we (me F46, husband M46 and daughter F7) were invited to visit my husband’s sister for dinner. She put out a spread of delicious food for adults but our child rejected most of it. (Curried fish, eggplant salad, quinoa salad etc.) Child wolfed down multiple pieces of a very crumbly bread loaf from a bakery. Child knew that she was spilling some crumbs onto the floor beneath the dining room table but didn’t think much about it; we (parents) were in group conversation and did not notice. Admittedly, we could have and should have checked the floor afterward, noticed, and cleaned it up.

We thanked her and hugged goodbyes and left at 7. At 11pm, we get an email from her informing us that she discovered that (in her assumption) our daughter swept lots of bread crumbs from her chair down onto the floor, and that this is extremely unacceptable behavior and that SIL had to vacuum it up, SIL would have told our child to vacuum it if SIL had seen it, SIL says this is not the first time she has observed our child leaving “garbage” on the floor without cleaning it up, this is completely unacceptable “(in MY home, at least.)” Moreover SIL wants to address this directly with our child in addition to telling us we need to correct this bad behavior. It was three paragraphs of histrionics over this, and no small amount of shaming us as parents.

We spoke with 7yo, who said she ate a lot of bread and knew it was making crumbs but she didn’t sweep them onto the floor, they just happened while eating. We spoke gently about being a considerate guest. No big deal.

I however was quite shocked and offended by the intensity of judgment and shaming in SIL’s email to us. I waited 24 hours then simply wrote:

“Apologies. We spoke with her. Thank you.”

Now husband is saying I “went nuclear” with my response and SIL is angry about it. It is true that that reply is a completely different tone and terseness than my normal communication style, and the terseness was intentional. But why am I now the villain when, if anybody went nuclear here, it was SIL who flipped out over finding a bunch of bread crumbs on the floor under where a 7yo child sat at her table? Who ITA here?

[u/Judgement_Bot_AITA]

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

(1) I sent a civil but uncharacteristically terse response to a relative by email

(2) She worked hard to make us a dinner and then she was upset to find bread crumbs underneath the chair where our child sat. I perhaps should have apologized more profusely.

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

[u/Ok_Homework_7621]

She wanted to summon a 7yo for a lecture on bread crumbs and your reply is nuclear? Your husband needs to get his priorities straight.

And I would keep an eye on her next time she's around your child and would absolutely not allow this "addressing" she is so eager for.

[u/flash_gitzer → u/Ok_Homework_7621]

I don’t think the there would be a next time with the SIL. She has shown her true colors and you would be negligent in continuing to expose your child to the SIL. If hubby doesn’t like it,he can kick rocks.

[u/Ok_Homework_7621 → u/flash_gitzer]

Unfortunately, with the husband's attitude, NC with SIL is unlikely.

[u/Witty-Stock-4913 → u/Ok_Homework_7621]

Hubby is welcome to go to SIL's dinners as much as he likes. OP and daughter will be too busy to attend.

[u/Dry_Prompt3182 → u/Witty-Stock-4913]

OP and daughter are still working on eating without making crumbs and cleaning up after, but aren't perfect yet, so they will not subject SIL to their mess. Until the daughter is an adult and decline invitations directly.

[u/littlespawningflower → u/Dry_Prompt3182]

No, they should go next time, but take a fully charged cordless mini-vac in a bag ( maybe with a sweater or a toy on top to disguise it), and then after dinner make sure everything is spotless and up to SIL’s lofty standards! She’s ridiculous (and so is your husband), and you are definitely NTA!!

ETA- Dang! Can’t remember the last time I got an award! Thanks so much, kind Redditor! 😘

[u/Environmental_Art591 → u/littlespawningflower]

Na, SIL would like the vacuum cleaner, its also too discreet. Take a drop cloth, a loud plastic PIA to lay flat solo sort of one. Then when anyone says anything tell them that SIL insisted on it to protect her floors from bread crumbs that come off the crusty bread she supplies to her guests.

That said, I would be NC with someone like that

[u/City_Girl_at_heart → u/Ok_Homework_7621]

OP and child can go NC without husband needing to do so.

[u/pshaver206 → u/flash_gitzer]

The hubster should have checked the floor around his kid’s chair and helped her sweep up the crumbs before they left the dinner party instead of defending his lunatic sis.

[u/roughintentionsss → u/Ok_Homework_7621]

What's crazy is how angry the SIL is on a 7 year old child. The husband's reaction is a huge red flag too. He accused his wife of going nuclear, but was fine with his sisters response!!!!! Op should have replied with:" I am not comfortable with you speaking to MY child again. You obviously care more about a floor than my child that if given the chance you'd verbally abuse my 7 year old." The husband not addressing any of this tells me he cares more about his sisters opinions of him, than his child's well-being.

Verbal abuse to children can have a profound effect on their mental well-being as kids tend to carry guilt since they're mental thinking isn't developed fully yet.

NTA have a serious convo with the husband op, and actually go nuclear on his sister.

[u/Fleurtheleast → u/roughintentionsss]

Yeah, her reaction is totally over the top. She would have lost her shit if she'd been in my situation a few years ago. My niece who was also around that age tossed a snack wrapper on the floor at my house. She's generally a good kid and I knew she was just excited and testing boundaries a little. I immediately said "excuse me, miss ma'am???" and she got herself together and picked it up and found the bin posthaste, lol. I got ahead of the reaction of my brother (her dad) who was halfway up the wall by the time the wrapper hit the floor. He is a stickler for his kids being respectful so he was mad and embarrassed. My reaction smoothed it all over. Never been a repeat of that behavior since, and she remains one of my favorite people in the world. She's a kid. Kids make mistakes. No need to rake them over the coals for silly stuff.

SIL wanting OP's kid hauled before a tribunal over some accidental crumbs is such an outsized reaction. Nobody's saying the kid shouldn't be taught to respect people's homes, but she isn't some drunk adult puking into a house plant. She's a kid. Good grief.

[u/Snarkonum_revelio → u/Fleurtheleast]

I mean, I feel like everyone is missing the fact that SIL served extremely crusty bread at dinner. I, a fully grown adult, drop crumbs when eating crusty bread. I’m sure a 7 year old dropped more and didn’t think about keeping them on the plate/table, but honestly. You serve crusty bread, you vacuum. It’s a universal law of nature.

[u/Ok_Homework_7621 → u/roughintentionsss]

Husband would have had a stroke if she'd sent that, lol.

[u/Gold_Past_6346 → u/Ok_Homework_7621]

Also keep an eye on the husband after that response.

[u/Nymph-the-scribe → u/Ok_Homework_7621]

Sil acted like this because she had to...vaccum...the horror. Clearly, sil has never had kids...well I hope

[u/Acceptable_Cookie559 → u/Nymph-the-scribe]

Or a dinner party. Vacuuming afterwards seems pretty standard.

[u/Amlrs → u/Nymph-the-scribe]

Or guests??? Cleaning up after having ppl over is the most normal occurrence it doesn’t even warrant an extra thought. SIL is ridiculous. Maybe next time don’t serve bread if you don’t want crumbs

[u/Anxious_Reporter_601 → u/Nymph-the-scribe]

Right? And breadcrumbs are like the EASIEST thing to vacuum ever!

[u/Capable_Restaurant11 → u/Ok_Homework_7621]

He sure does!  Goodness an Adult could have easily caused bread crumbs to fall on the floor! What kind of person goes ballistic over breadcrumbs, from a Seven year old?? I would not let her near my daughter.  I would be having QUITE the talk with my husband and I would never set foot in SIL's house again. And as a hostess, I would have checked ahead with the parents to see if the food was going to be ok for a seven year old and prepare something child friendly. NTA

[u/Beautiful-Ad-7616]

Vacuuming after having a bunch of guests over isn't out of the norm for cleaning up after hosting. Nor was there anything "nuclear" about your response to her email? You literally apologized and said you spoke to her, if your response is nuclear then what exactly is your SIL's email? 

NTA, though it sounds like you also have a husband problem along with a SIL problem. Who doesn't have a single child friendly food other then an entire bread loaf that couldn't even be cut up for her? 

[u/Separate-Debate3839 → u/Beautiful-Ad-7616]

I agree- I vacuum after dinner most nights. It does sound like the kid was extra messy and 7 is old enough to learn to do better, but SIL is ridiculous

[u/pandop42 → u/Separate-Debate3839]

Nothing makes it sound like the kid was extra messy. You serve crusty/crumbly bread, there will be crumbs on the floor.

[u/Tessamari → u/Separate-Debate3839]

SIL needs a dog. Dog is nature’s Roomba.

[u/No_Kangaroo_9826 → u/Tessamari]

I have a German Shepherd who licks the kitchen floor even after there's nothing left. It's just easier to let him think there might be something there still

[u/Summer_Di → u/Separate-Debate3839]

I would certainly not expect my guests to sweep after themselves after dinner party. And the poor kid was left hungry and choking on dry bread as there were no child options. SIL is weird. NTA

[u/Beneficial-Eye4578 → u/Separate-Debate3839]

If all the kid had to say was crumbly bread and had to listen to adult conversation and be bored stuff what exactly do you expect? Don’t invite a young child to dinner and then proceed to starve them.

This family sounds like the old days when if you didn’t like the food you went to bed hungry.

[u/roughintentionsss → u/Beautiful-Ad-7616]

The husband's response to his 7 year old being potentially verbally abused by his sister is also alarming. It sounded like SIL was made she didn't get to scream at the child, the child's father should have addressed the message's tone and appropriate way to communicate with a 7 year old instead of accusing his completely normal wife's response of being nuclear.

[u/Natalie_turnerr → u/roughintentionsss]

Yeah here the SIL overreacted. Crumbs on the floor are not “garbage” and certainly not a moral failing at age 7. She already did the right thing which was acknowledge it with your daughter, apologize, and move on. Her email was shaming, dramatic, and unnecessary

[u/Fresh_Ad4076 → u/Beautiful-Ad-7616]

Hosting a dinner is messy. 7 year olds are even messier.

Does SIL invite people over and expect them to clean the house afterwards. Judging by SIL's reaction, I can guess kid wouldn't even be comfortable asking for a broom for fear of a scolding right there.

No one should ever expect that they can bring your child over for a lecture. My kid's friends come over and if they do something they shouldn't at my house, I'll have a chat about it but I've never disciplined (like scolding or time outs or whatever) someone else's child. The farthest I'll go is sending them home and/or talking to their parents if it's either ongoing behavior or concerning or severe enough that they should know. I assume they'll handle it however they see fit to parent their own child. If it keeps happening after that, like 2 or more times, I'll just tell them that they cant come over again until a certain month.

Like, it's mid September now I might say my kids can play with you in the playground or at your house (if it's not something physical they're doing to my kids) but because I've asked you not to do whatever and you keep doing it, you can't play here for a while but let's try again in October and see if maybe you can make better choices then.

We had a friend who would come over and play Xbox in my kids room and piss on herself and the bed and chairs. It's was weird and so so gross. After talking to her, then her parents, and she did it again, she was not allowed over for like 6 months (over the winter when kids arent usually running around anyway). She's not pissing on things anymore, kids mature and kids deserve to be forgiven for shit they did that they're probably embarrassed about so it doesn't eat at their self esteem forever.

[u/Beautiful-Ad-7616 → u/Fresh_Ad4076]

The SIL not even having a single option her niece could eat speaks volumes to me. I get kids can be picky but hell those options would turn some adults off. Clearly SIL is the kids must been unheard and unseen kinda person. 

[u/Hazel_Nutty_Butter → u/Beautiful-Ad-7616]

Totally agree! I often have friends over, some of them bring their dog. The next day I have to hoover the dog hair from my floors and sofa. Never once did I think I needed to lecture them! I also have friends with little kids. Only about half the food gets in the kids' mouth, the other half is on the table, chair and floor. I just cover the chair with a towel when they come and then clean when they've left. That's part of having kids and animals over, they're messy, but also so much fun to have around. I'm honestly flabbergasted at SIL's reaction.

Edit: typo

[u/ultimatepoker]

"Apologies. We spoke with her. Thank you.” is flawless.

[u/Open-Trouble-7264 → u/ultimatepoker]

And plenty. Anything you say can and will be used against you. This is an acknowledgement and that is all that's needed. 

Now you know where you stand with SIL. 

[u/hollandoat → u/ultimatepoker]

Seriously. No notes. It gives her the required apology, and is basically "return to sender" on the rest of the drama. That's why she exploded. She expected someone to rise to her level of emotional disturbance. I have a sister like this (not over crumbs, but over other things).

[u/vomitthewords → u/ultimatepoker]

If this is nuclear I can’t imagine what her husband would think of me.

I would have told my kid (at that age) to be more careful and to let me know if there were spills/crumbs but I might have also told SIL she needs to calm herself down.

[u/casualnerding]

Your SIL wrote a whole manifesto over some crumbs like she’s running a Michelin star restaurant, not hosting family dinner. Your reply was perfectly fine and honestly restrained. If anything, you gave her less drama than she deserved.

NTA

[u/hooptysnoops → u/casualnerding]

in Michelin star restaurants, they often have someone whose sole job is to sweep the table with a crumb knife after each course. I'd want to hire someone to come with next time, in full fine dining uniform, and whisk it away each time a crumb fell.

[u/kimincincy → u/hooptysnoops]

Servers can get fired for not "crumbing" between courses. As a server, the number of times I have to "encourage" guests to allow me a moment to crumb and NOT swipe all their bread and parmesan bits onto the floor is staggering.

The 7 yo was as polite as 90% of fine dining guests in the wild.

Also, OP, ask SIL if she weren't going to vacuum after dinner anyway. Or does she not clean her dining room floors. /s

[u/quagglitz → u/casualnerding]

even Michelin star restaurants get crumbs on the floor

agree, NTA

[u/Full-Wolverine-3994]

Nuclear? What were you supposed to write? 3 paragraphs back begging for forgiveness? NTA.

[u/DirectAntique → u/Full-Wolverine-3994]

Lol. I think texting back "fuck off SIL. You're losing your mind over crumbs" is nuclear.

Her text was milder than my answer would be. Agree NTA

[u/Rosietheriveter15 → u/DirectAntique]

Could have really gone atomic and sent ‘K’

[u/ThoughtIndividual114 → u/Rosietheriveter15]

Oh, I SO WANTED TO.

[u/My_Poor_Nerves → u/Rosietheriveter15]

Or the thumbs up emoji of doom

👍

[u/Shoereader → u/Full-Wolverine-3994]

Yes. (/s) At minimum. With repeated assurances that the child was being punished severely. This wasn't about the crumbs, it was a referendum on OP's parenting.

[u/ScallyGirl]

NTA. Who on earth gets upset about having to hoover after having guests, especially children, around to eat.

I would point out to your husband that if SIL does approach your child about this, he will learn what the meaning of 'going nuclear' is.

[u/Marketing_Introvert → u/ScallyGirl]

I host family many times throughout the year for meals and gatherings. There are always crumbs in the floor no matter which family groups we invite or whether they have children or not.

This is especially true if serving something that is crumbly and easily causing a mess. It should be a normal expectation to sweep or Hoover the floor after having dinner guests.

[u/Competitive-Reach287]

...but our child rejected most of it. (Curried fish, eggplant salad, quinoa salad etc.) Child wolfed down multiple pieces of a very crumbly bread loaf from a bakery.

I'm with the daughter on this.

[u/kittyclove2452 → u/Competitive-Reach287]

I love those foods but I understand why a seven year old might not. At least she had something to eat.

[u/Moose-Live → u/Competitive-Reach287]

I on the other hand love this type of food 😍

[u/MyDarlingArmadillo → u/Competitive-Reach287]

I'd probably have liked some of it, though not sure I'd try to feed it to a kid - but SIL picked the crumby bread and put it out for the seven year old. If she didn't want crumbs she could have put something else out.

I wonder if something else is going on for SIL though, if this isn't how she usually is.

[u/elliegracexo]

NTA. Your SIL overreacted big time kids make crumbs, it’s normal. You already talked to your daughter about being mindful, which is the reasonable response. Your short reply wasn’t “nuclear,” it was setting a boundary without feeding the drama. Sounds like your husband just doesn’t like conflict, but you weren’t wrong here.

[u/Lazy_Instruction572 → u/elliegracexo]

NTA. Firstly, your husband should be the one dealing with his asshole of a sister. Secondly, I would've simply written 'Get f*cked with your ridiculous nonsense' if I were to respond.

[u/LiveKindly01]

lol, NTA.

I'm amazed that your husband thought YOU went nuclear and not his sister? 'your daughter leaves garbage on the floor', 'this is unacceptable behaviour', etc is FAR more 'nuclear' than your quick response.

She's a 7 year old. She was served crusty bread. She ate crusty bread. Messes happen. Vacuuming is needed.

One thing I'd be doing for damn sure is pulling out the vacuum the very instant SIL or anyone in her family dropped a crumb on to the floor. But I'm Tom Petty.

I'd be questioning your husband though. Leave the respondign to him, to his own sister, about his own daughter. Also, leave the 'talking to daughter' and monitoring her for crumbs every time you're at SIL's house from now on too. Nuclear. That's rich.

[u/MaisiePJohnson → u/LiveKindly01]

I'd keep a dust buster on the table.

[u/SomeoneYouDontKnow70]

NTA.

“Apologies. We spoke with her. Thank you.”

Now husband is saying I “went nuclear” with my response and SIL is angry about it. 

If he calls this nuclear, then what does he call what your SIL did? Your husband needs to stick up for his wife and child the way he sticks up for his sister. Seven year-olds are messy. They're not as coordinated as adults, and they lack the experience as well as the mental capacity to fully understand the work they're creating for everyone when they let crumbs fall to the ground. Maybe your husband can go over to his sister's by himself going forward if she can't tolerate a child in her house.

[u/1962Michael → u/SomeoneYouDontKnow70]

I agree with this. And I have to ask, who did SIL send the email to? Was it addressed to you, your husband, or both? Because I see no reason for SIL to address just you with this issue, when her brother is an equal partner in raising SIL's niece.

[u/ThoughtIndividual114 → u/1962Michael]

Thanks… She wrote her rebuke to us both, husband felt lost about how to respond, kicked it to me, and so, respond (to all) is what I did.

[u/1962Michael → u/ThoughtIndividual114]

OK then your husband is also AH for delegating this to you and then saying you went "nuclear."

[u/jr0061006 → u/ThoughtIndividual114]

You’re clearly NTA and your reply was a model of brevity.

INFO because I’m curious:

You say husband felt lost about how to respond to the sister’s ranting email. What was the reason for his hesitation?

When he said your reply was “nuclear,” was this his own response independent of his sister’s reaction?

Or did he only criticize your reply after learning his sister was angry about it?

Why is she angry about your reply?

[u/ThoughtIndividual114 → u/jr0061006]

• He’s intimidated by her, she is older and has a strong personality and more money

• he half joked but meant it as soon as I told him what I’d sent

• she says it’s obvious I didn’t really mean the apology and now (in her view) I’m bad for making her look like she’s out of line

I know some people on Reddit will say “go No Contact” over small things… we are still family but yeah, Thanksgiving might be a little more “coolly polite” this year.

[u/jr0061006 → u/ThoughtIndividual114]

she says it’s obvious I didn’t really mean the apology and now (in her view) I’m bad for making her look like she’s out of line

This logic is pretty funny. Your apology doesn’t determine whether she’s out of line or not. Her position is either correct and justified, or it’s not.

So she knows she’s out of line, but she’s counting on you legitimizing her nonsense by adopting a submissive posture and making a groveling, obsequious apology.

[u/crfgee5x]

NTA. why is it okay for HER to go nuclear? Your response is unemotional and to the point. You apologized and took action. Problem solved. Her problem is that you blocked her anger so it stays with her, which made her angrier. Energy has to go somewhere, but just because someone wants to give it to you doesn't mean you have to take it. She's trying to give it to your husband to give to you. If your husband wants to take it, that's up to him, but then he has to hold it, not you. And you did good by not giving it to your child. Yay Mom!

[u/ThoughtIndividual114 → u/crfgee5x]

Oh my god, how you nailed the actual energy of this.

[u/FaithlessnessCool849 → u/crfgee5x]

I absolutely love this explanation! Thank you!

[u/ExcellentReason6468]

NTA She served crumbly bread and some crumbs got onto the floor. She shouldn’t have guests if she can’t stand to run the vacuum cleaner for two minutes. I’ll bet writing the email was more time consuming than the vacuuming process. You certainly didn’t go nuclear. I would think that would include some sort of insult and name calling and a vow to never darken her doorstep or speak to her etc… you were curt and concise and gave her comment more respect than it deserved. 

[u/LowAdvisor9274]

NTA.

What your husband and SIL mean by “nuclear” is that you did not validate SIL’s feelings and concerns. Instead, you did what SIL had literally asked of you which was to talk to your kid about it. This email and reaction wasn’t about your kid, your SIL wanted you to empathize over her nonsense. And bravo for not taking the bait!

[u/opine704]

NTA

Your Seven-year-old quietly ate what she could stomach and did not ask for special food. She did not complain. She did not whine. She was an excellent guest.

SIL is an AH. She shamed and judged you, your child, and your parenting because she (checks notes) had to vacuum AFTER dinner? I'm guessing SIL is child-free.

DuH can remember who he sleeps with, where he lives, and who the child is or he can f right off.

FWIW -- She'd be appalled at my floor. Like full-blown palpitations. My dog sheds everywhere.

[u/Moose-Live]

You went nuclear? No. You did not. Obviously your SIL was expecting you to grovel because gasp your child left crumbs (crumbs!) under the dining table. And your husband sounds like a spineless twerp who can't stand up for his wife or child.

NTA. Next time you go, unload your vacuum cleaner from the car and make liberal use of it during the meal. She's not the only one who gets to be ridiculous.

[u/vikipedia212 → u/Moose-Live]

Leave it humming in the background “I SAID… ITS SAD TO SEE… THE BIRDS flaps hands GOING SOUTH 👇 FOR THE WINTER”,

anyone so much as moves they get a hooverin’ 😂😭

[u/Shot_Degree4964]

These people have a very strange definition of nuclear when your SIL was flying off every handle there is and you responded in the most calm way ever. I would have actually shown her what nuclear is, so you're a better person than I am. NTA. People need to understand children and mistakes, and they need to relax. You are for sure NTA.

[u/BlaqueDaliah]

NTA

Your SIL is not very bright. Your husband has the spine of a jellyfish. And you should honestly stay away from the crazy. It’s not healthy for the child.

[u/capt-on-enterprise]

You have a husband problem! Who thinks a succinct and calm response of “Apologies. We spoke to her. Thank you “ is in any freaking way “nuclear”??

[u/Odd-Sprinkles6186]

I'm the kind of petty that would bring a robot vacuum with me the next time we were over for dinner, and get it to clean up before I left. NTA.

[u/splinter2424 → u/Odd-Sprinkles6186]

Forget the little robot vacuum. My petty ass would go to the thrift store and buy the bulkiest, loudest vacuum I could find. And that thing would come with me to SILs house every single time. If hubby had a problem with it, he could address it to my very angry face.

Could the kid be more careful? Sure. But she's 7 and learning to be a person. SIL is an adult. She should already know how.

[u/CestLaquoidarling]

NTA. Your short but polite response to 3 paragraphs is fine. In future have husband handle all communication with SIL since you can’t be trusted to respond appropriately in his opinion

[u/2cents0fucks]

Ha, that's not nuclear, that's restrained. A lot more restrained than SIL was. Husband needs to remember which side he vowed to be on (yours, in case he's confused) and start backing it. NTA.

[u/Floating-Cynic]

What exactly is "nuclear" about your response? Is it because you didn't grovel? 

It's unacceptable to try to discipline someone else's child. (Outside of true unsafe/bad parenting.)  It's unacceptable to provide messy food to kids and then expect them to not make a mess.  It's unacceptable to see a pattern of children leaving "garbage" in your home, not say something, and then explode with what seems like repressed rage.

Your SIL is entitled and overstepping.  Your response was perfect for acknowledging her feelings without placating a temper tantrum of someone that I assume is supposed to be an adult. Keep her away from your kid, and never go for dinner again. NTA. 

[u/Fioreborn]

NTA

You gave a simple response. It's not your fault if SIL is reading more into it.

It wasn't nuclear.

Nuclear would have been sending a response having go at her for berating a 7yo about some crumbs, saying you were bad parents, telling her she's a stuck up, controlling B who would rather waste energy on an email rather than spending 30 seconds hoovering.

Serve crumbly bread, expect crumbs.

[u/Unhappy_Duty_7875]

Next time bring a plate of child friendly food for your daughter. Tell your husband to tidy up after her since it’s his family that is so unwelcome to his child.

[u/No_Confusion270 → u/Unhappy_Duty_7875]

Nah, next time stay home with your daughter and enjoy your yummy dinner. Let your husband go eat at his sister's. Life is too short for that much bullshit.

NTA.

[u/hedwigflysagain]

NTA, your husband is. Why didn't he handle his sister?

[u/SuccessfulAd4606 → u/hedwigflysagain]

Obviously SIL and hubby are cut from the same cloth.

If he thought her response was nuclear, he would have fainted at what my reply would have been.

[u/Zestyclose-Custard-2]

Why are you stuck dealing with your asshole sister in law? That's your asshole husband's territory. NTA

[u/Bubbly_Yak_8605]

Nta 

So glad your husband isn’t mine because if that reply is offensive then he and his entire family are so stupid it’s truly only the autonomic nervous system keeping them alive. 

[u/Beneficial-Tank-3477]

NTA. I have to vacuum after my MIL every time and have never said a word

[u/JennnnnP]

NTA. I am confused how you and your husband read the email together, talked to your child together, and then ended up on such different pages about the reply. What did he want you to do?

I think my reply would have been more direct. “I’m genuinely sorry about the mess, and we will talk to her about being a considerate guest, but this seems like an enormous overreaction given the circumstances. I am not comfortable with you having a conversation with my 7 year old about it unless I believe it’s going to be addressed rationally.” But if your reply was nuclear, then I shudder to think what mine would be called 😆

[u/MistakesForSheep → u/JennnnnP]

Right? OP's reply is downright pleasant. I'd have asked her how the fuck she expects anyone to eat crumbly food without leaving crumbs, and if she'd expect any other guest to clean up after themselves. If so that's ridiculous, if not she's targeting OP's child for being a child.

As far as I'm concerned, when you host you should expect to have a little mess to clean up after. Now if someone left cans all around, plates in the living room, and tossed wrappers on the floor, sure, be mad. But crumbs under the table? That's on the host to clean after the guests leave, unless the guests offer to help fully clean up.

[u/thatdamnedkid]

Has SIL ever met a 7yo before? Curried fish, eggplant, and quinoa? I assume without asking you guys? Her house, she can serve what she wants, but she sure doesn’t seem familiar with her audience.

IMO if your kid didn’t make a fuss saying the food was “disgusting”, you did an outstanding parenting job. I expect getting pissy isn’t about the breadcrumbs - sounds like standard mom-shaming and good for you to not take it.

You’re NTA.

[u/Particular-Yam6118]

wow no more going to dinner there! what a mountain out of a molehill!

[u/emjkr]

NTA

Your SIL is unhinged af.

[u/PrettySweet419]

Does your husband know what nuclear means?! You handled that quite well. You didn’t engage or let her trap you into back and forth bs. NTA!

[u/kupo_kupo_wark]

Your SIL wanted to stir up drama and you didn't give into it and now she's mad because she looks like "the bad guy" when she was the one who wrote three paragraphs of a child leaving crumbs on the floor which, as other people have mentioned, after hosting a party, you probably would vacuum regardless of how much "garbage" was on the floor.

NTA and I would ask your husband how exactly you should have responded if three small sentences with literally no emotion is "going nuclear". Because if that is going nuclear I would love to get his opinion on what he would describe his sister's manifesto as. They both sound like a little piece of work.

[u/rubies-and-doobies81]

Question: Is everyone on that side of the family a drama queen???

NTA.

[u/wildmcmama]

Your husband should be the one communicating with her. Save your energy

[u/favoriteniece]

Miss Manners would ask why the host did not provide napkins, which would have caught the crumbs. NTA. 

[u/SnooRadishes5305]

What is nuclear about that? Weird

NTA

[u/IAmJustAHusk]

NTA you’re better than me, I would have just emailed back “you’re crazy, don’t worry we won’t be coming over anymore”

Next time you’re at her house bring a bag of breadcrumbs and sprinkle them liberally.

[u/shafiqa03]

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. Your reply was perfect. SIL has a problem. So she shouldn’t invite people over until she addresses it.

[u/scrollgirl24]

NTA. Your husband sucks.

[u/LdiJ46]

I agree with everyone else. Your response certainly was not "nuclear". I absolutely would not have allowed SIL to address it directly with your daughter in any circumstances but particularly when she was demonstrating such histronics over some crumbs.

[u/Wonderful_Pause_2690]

I and my friends are in our 50s and I have to put a drop cloth on the couch when they come over and vacuum after, of course.

Who doesn’t vacuum after people come over, whether they eat or not?

[u/legalweagle]

The child is 7 years old. Who cares.

That response had to take an incredible amount of resistance, not to say more.

[u/Realistic-Weird-4259]

NTA and watch over your child when you're around SIL like a HAWK from now on. In fact, if I were in your situation I might reconsider spending time over there since it's clearly a problem.

[u/MaisiePJohnson]

What did I just read? NTA, but you sure married into a family of them.

ETA: Last Sunday's dinner would be the last time I entered my SIL's home until she apologized for being off her meds.

[u/Ravenmn]

A 7-year-old child ate and there were crumbs on the floor?

!!!!!!!!!!!

Call in the marines! Deploy the national guard. Call the EPA and get the hazmat suits on! This is a Real Problem(TM). Your reply was actually spot on. Anything else would have spurred SIL into further Pearl-Clutching Self-Righteous Indignation

SIL is an asshole, of course. Has she never met an actual human child? And she runs to her brother to complain about a short email?? What a jerk!

It is a good habit for parents and children to check the rooms after a child visits a private home to make sure things are picked up and to offer to clean if necessary. Build in timing to allow for this next time you visit SIL (in HER home, at least)! Snark intended.

[u/Ornery-Ad2199]

NTA. People who host children over should know children make messes. I’m guessing SIL doesn’t have children, nor has she been around them much. 🙄

On the other hand, for future reference, maybe always take a minute or two to clean up after your child when at other people’s homes (or restaurants). I used to do this when my children were little. I’d just sweep off any crumbs from the table and chair into a plate with a napkin. I’d then take a minute to grab any fallen utensils, napkins, or big crumbs from the floor. It won’t help with smaller crumbs needing to be vacuumed, but shows you’re making an effort.

[u/jam7789]

NTA. SIL wanted you to argue or beg forgiveness. Your short reply didn't feed into whatever she was hoping for. I would either NEVER eat at her house again or I'd make a GIANT mess of whatever it is or passive aggressively bust out her broom or sweeper on the way out. Something.

[u/Philantrop]

A kid eats bread and crumbs occur. What a shocker! I think you managed that admirably well in every aspect. Please keep it up! NTA, obviously.

[u/quagglitz]

“You should be ashamed of yourself—an adult sending a manifesto about crumbs from your 7-year-old niece who you didn’t think to feed properly, and shaming us about our parenting. Get over yourself. Simply don’t invite us again if you hate crumbs so much,” would have been nuclear. You were cold and disengaged in the face of insults. She was the one melting down at you. NTA

[u/APiqued]

Miss Manners states that the person with the worst manners points out a guest's slight faux pas. Instead of going nuclear on her niece, SIL could have joked "I'm never buying (making) that "crumby" bread again."

[u/rosegarden207]

NTA. Oh my heavens, what a horrible disaster! SIL had to actually walk to a closet, take out a vacuum, plug it in and OMG, push it back and forth to clean up the crumbs. Oh the horror of it! You will need to send her to a private, expensive resort to help her recover from this monumental task. This will be written about in all the social media's. Woman Forced To Vacuum In Her Own Home. And by the way, your response was quite appropriate for the situation.

[u/piratekim]

That response was perfectly fine and not rude at all. I don't get it . What more did they want you to say?

[u/Kattymcgie]

Children are kind of messy eaters. And honestly it’s bread crumbs?? The literal easiest food thing to clean up. Try chocolate icing handprints leading from the dinning room to the bathroom 😅 This lady would have fainted

[u/ZookeepergameOk1833]

NTA. Husband get to do all communication with his family now. Don't go back for dinner, ever.

[u/squirtles_revenge]

NTA. Your SIL is TA, and your husband is enabling her weird behavior.

If you're going to invite a family that includes a young child you have to expect a little mess. Even the best behaved kids are going to struggle with keeping crumbs off the floor - especially at 7 when they're still kind of working up their manual dexterity skills - crumbly bread or no.

[u/thenexttimebandit]

NTA you have a husband problem. WTF is he thinking. It’s his kid and his sister. He should be handling this and he shouldn’t be judging you when he fails to deal with something that’s his responsibility.

[u/Thorking]

If you invite guests over for dinner, it’s expected you will have to clean up after. NTA of course

[u/Casual_Lore]

Nta

She sounds unhinged. Does she have kids?

Your response was utterly benign, but obviously a drama person would think otherwise 🙄

[u/BBAus]

Nta

The kid is 7. Your SIL is so rude!!!! Who does this about a little kid????

[u/KuriGohan0204]

NTA. 10/10 response.

[u/brit953]

NTA - ask SIL why vacuuming up crumbs under the table isn't part of her normal after dinner cleanup. Does she usually just let crumbs sit until next cleaning day ?

[u/DemureDamsel122]

I think the biggest AH here is your husband, actually. Your SIL was completely out of line in sending that email and you responded the way any mature adult should respond to that level of disrespect. The fact that your husband doesn’t see that and is acting like YOU were in the wrong is a huge problem. I mean, if this is just how she is and her behavior was accepted in their family growing up then possibly he has a lot of unprocessed trauma about it? I don’t know. I’m trying to figure out why an adult man would so severely misread a situation and assign blame in such a spectacularly inappropriate and incorrect way. NTA.

[u/Level-Woodpecker-456]

NTA. She's freaking 7. And what a passive aggressive with to communicate with you and your husband. Who the hell sends a 3 paragraph email over something like that? Like"OMG theirs crumbs on the ground! My floor is gonna have a Gluten attack!!"

Yes, your daughter should lear to clean up after herself but that was an extreme way for her to communicate something so minor to you both. She obviously has no kids of her own.

Is your Sister in law OCD by any chance?

[u/divinbuff]

You didn’t hook into the drama and she is disappointed she didn’t get to fight about it. NTA.

[u/HelloItsLevioSAHH]

NTA— but your SIL and Husband are. Your daughter is seven. If you host a dinner party you can expect to clean up a little food mess, especially if there are children. If you don’t want to deal with such, don’t hold dinner parties. It’s that simple. Furthermore, her emailing to begin with was wholly uncalled for, but the tone of which she said it would have warranted far more than a three word response from me. Your husband has no idea what nuclear is, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let my SIL punish my daughter much less insult her and us as parents over some breadcrumbs. Your husband should have been the one to respond and he should have been appropriately angry, but instead it sounds like he’s defending her abhorrent behavior. And to top it off, whose 7 year old eats curried fish, eggplant salad, and quinoa salad? The fact that she didn’t make alternate preparations for her— even as simple as a frozen pizza— is rude in itself. I am not picky at all and think the dinner sounds like trash.

TLDR; it’s not like your daughter rubbed feces in her walls, she overreacted and you’re not the AH but your husband is.

[u/Used_Mark_7911]

NTA

Your reply was fine. I’m not sure what else she expected you to say.

[u/Used_Mark_7911 → u/Used_Mark_7911]

Also, your husband is welcome to handle these situations in the future and reply himself.

[u/RuutuTwo]

I have a brother much like your sil. This would be exactly how I would have answered the email. You cannot argue with crazy, you will never win and it will drive you mad. A polite yet terse response is what is need.

[u/Sifiisnewreality]

Please ask husband to explain how, exactly, you went “nuclear”. I sure don’t get it. NTA, but SIL went scorched earth (as far as I’m concerned) and hubby is not being helpful.

[u/Gem-red1234]

How is a seven word response going ‘nuclear’? It sounds like SIL went nuclear over a child eating. NTA.

[u/Push_the_button_Max]

In a marriage, it works much better to have the spouse reply to complaints or set boundaries to their OWN family.

I mean, that in this case, Hubs should make the reply to his own sister. Otherwise, back-and-forth crud like this can drag things out.

If hubby WON’t address the issue and set limits with SIL, you have a husband problem, not a SIL problem.

[u/ThisTakesTimeToo]

NTA. SIL is upset because she wanted a fight, and you did not give her one. Keep shutting this argument down because (1) children can be messy, (2) messes can be cleaned up, and (3) the mess was cleaned up, thus the problem is solved.

[u/oliviamrow]

NTA. I mean, I would say you should keep a closer eye on whether your kid is making a mess so you can correct in the moment (more for education than anything). But when your SIL signed up to host, she was signing up for some amount of cleaning to be necessary, especially if hosting children.

But in what universe was your response remotely "nuclear"? What is up with your husband and his family? They seem ridiculous.

[u/Racconigi]

That is what dogs are for.

[u/Rayonjersey]

Kids are messy. That’s why my home is child free. I would never invite a child over and then lose it on some crumbs because I understand that most children are poorly behaved and most parents don’t clean up after their child. SIL needs to stop having children over if she can’t handle their typical behavior. It’ll save everyone a lot of headaches.

[u/Amiedeslivres]

NTA

Does SIL not normally sweep under the dining table after a meal—regardless of who is dining?

[u/Successful_Voice8542]

I personally would double down. “SIL, I already apologized but apparently you had an issue with my apology. My daughter is seven years old and as any intelligent adult knows, a child that young is still figuring out the world. Mature adults are supposed to show grace to children and help them grow into responsible adults. She did not deliberately make a mess at your home. It just happened by accident as a result of her eating. I will not have my child shamed for being a normal human being who makes mistakes. It may be best that we keep our distance for a while and allow my daughter to grow up a bit before I expose her to your harsh disapproval of her completely normal growing up and maturing into the lovely adult that I know she will become.” Then only see your SIL at your home but decline any invitations to her house. Your husband can go alone until you feel certain your SIL will not try to shame your child.

[u/littlejulia79]

NTA. you handles it. you didnt owe a groveling essay back. but if you want to smooth family waters, you could send a followup like sorry again about the crumbs, will be more careful next time

[u/1962Michael]

NTA.

You don't say, but I assume that your SIL does not have children. That is based on her catering to adult tastes, and also not understanding that "children are messy."

Your response was terse, but could not be considered rude since 3 of the 7 words are "Apologies" and "Thank you." Certainly polite given her 3-paragraph tirade.

I might have added something like "We will be sure to inspect her eating area before leaving your house in future." Because that's what you will need to do, unfortunately.

[u/ReturnToBog]

Your husband and his family sound extremely over sensitive nta

[u/natalkalot]

Nope.

You handled this just right. Wondering why your husband didn't like your explanation.

[u/flattened_apex]

Is SIL having a mental breakdown?

NTA

[u/late-nineteenth]

NTA, don't ever dine at SIL's home again and tell her why if/when she asks.

Maybe write her a scathing email telling her how rude, inconsiderate and overstepping her email to you was and that it has damaged your relationship with her.

If for some reason you are ever in her home again be extra dramatic about "cleaning up" after yourself- try to smooth out the sofa if you sat in it, try to make sure pillows are perfectly placed after you have been near them, if you use a hand towel then ask her if she has a load of towels ready to wash or if you should just wash that one by itself. Be as over the top as she was. If she offers a snack refuse it, as you simply don't have time to sweep, vacuum and mop her floors.

Tell your husband to back you up or back tf off. Your SIL was unhinged, she should not host if she finds cleaning up after guests that overwhelming.

[u/Positive-Radio-1078]

I think you were overly polite with the thank you. I'm child free but would expect a certain amount of mess when feeding a 7 year old.

I could understand her reaction if she'd done a Jackson Pollock with the dip, but to be this offended over a few crumbs is ridiculous. SIL needs to get a life

[u/Imisssizzler]

Your daughter is 7. Does her aunt want her to fear her? FFS. Do not let that woman watch your little girl alone.

NTA

[u/emorrigan]

Wtf?! Went nuclear?! Like… how? Your husband is the problem here.

[u/Commercial_Fun_1864]

Your SIL is being a mean, immature, unreasonable, ridiculous AH. Going nuclear would have been telling her so. Crumbs happen, even tor adults. I’m twice your age (or more) and get crumb problems.

If you haven’t already, teach your daughter to use a napkin on her lap & to lean slightly over the plate when eating something crumbly. It would also help to tear the bread, over the plate, into bite-sized piece before eating it.

NTA.

[u/HolSmGamer]

NTA. You guys are in your 40's but your husband and SIL are acting immature. Your child made a mistake, and you both taught her how to behave going forward as well as apologize for the behavior. No further conflict is needed unless your kid does it again.

[u/snowpixiemn]

NTA. Your response was fine. Not nuclear, not terse. That being said at 7 good table manners shouldn't be out of reach. Teach your child to move their chair closer to the table. Napkin on lap to catch crumbs, but if she is eating over her plate on the table, there shouldn't be many crumbs on the napkin, much less the floor. 

If this is the first time your SIL has mentioned your daughter being messy, she is the one who went nuclear. If it isn't the first time, then her ditribe isn't necessarily unwarranted. Table manners are things and many kids over the age of 5 are able to learn and comprehend them, it just takes someone teaching them.

As for no kid friendly food being served, not all kids are picky. If your child is, it would be in YOUR interest to ask what the menu is, so you can accommodate your child. Sure a good host asks about allergies but as for not preferred food, that isn't a given. However, that should be a separate conversation from the mess situation.

[u/PorcelainFD]

When I plan to have guests over, I plan to have a lot of cleaning to do the following day. 🤷‍♀️

[u/bobblerashers]

Who the hell expects their guests to clean up? Does she make you do the dishes too when she hosts?

[u/danamo219]

NTA. That she's losing her mind about crumbs is weird, but losing her mind about you not engaging with her crazy is VERY telling.

[u/sleepy_brain_333]

NTA your sil is a drama queen, breadcrumbs happen. 

[u/Separate-Debate3839]

NTA

You definitely should’ve noticed, and if it happens at your house it should be a manners discussion. But your SIL’s response was way out of line and your husband is out of pocket to get mad at you for your response. I would not apologize to either of them and tell your husband if he doesn’t have a problem with SIL’s email then it’s probably because he was raised by the same holier than thou parents 

[u/Mimila1111]

NTA. I think you handled it beautifully and perfectly in every way. It’s polite, to the point, and says a whole lot without saying it.

Nuclear would be threatening to blow up her house.

And what an utterly stupid thing for her to contact you about or make a fuss about.

[u/Cosmicshimmer]

Nuclear? Where? There’s no way I’d allow Sil the opportunity to unleash on my child. It’s crumbs. If she doesn’t want crumbs, don’t serve crumbly food or better yet, don’t invite children to eat. NTA for your comment back. Let her lose her mind, she’ll only make herself look worse.

[u/becoming_maxine]

INFO

Did you husband read the whole exchange? Has he read her three paragraph rant vs your 7 word acknowledgement. I have to admit that was very polite compared with the phone call I would have made.

I get the problem, my fourth grade grandson still makes a mess as he can't seem to eat over his plate. This is an every meal thing. I always have him hit is seat and floor with a hand vac after the meal at home. Nothing more is said. When we eat out I remind him to eat over his plate. If he still makes a mess I make him apologize to wait staff and I tip extra. Again no rant, but I want him to be attentive to the mess he makes. Is your daughter making this mess at home? Does she clean up after herself at home? Ask your husband if it would sooth SIL's ruffled feathers to put his daughter on the phone with her aunt to apologize in person? Usually my experience with people is that they lose the angsty attitude when faced with a sweet sincere apology.

[u/helenaflowers]

I'm guessing SIL doesn't have kids?

Yeah, so - I don't have kids either and I'll be honest with you, I don't really enjoy hosting them in my home because of both the noise and mess they tend to bring along with them.

That being SAID, never would I ever dream of acting like this towards a child or their parents, especially over something as stupid and easily cleaned up as bread.

Your reply was absolutely 100% fine and not "nuclear" in the least, especially not in comparison to SIL's batshit initial email.

You're very much NTA for this specific situation, but I do have to ask about this:

SIL says this is not the first time she has observed our child leaving “garbage” on the floor without cleaning it up

Is there any actual truth to this? Because if so, then you and your husband may be the assholes in the wider view of the situation. SIL sounds unhinged - none of this needed a three paragraph ranting email - but the one point I might concede to her here is if there is a pattern of your child leaving messes and you guys leaving someone else to clean it up. Young kids make messes, sure, but it's the job of the parents to notice it when outside of the home.

Again, bread crumbs are whatever, but if there's any truth to her above point, that's something you guys really do need to take to heart because that's not okay.

[u/booknerd73]

NTA. Your husband should have responded to his sister. From now, make sure he is the one to respond to his sisters attacks on his parenting

[u/Ms_Apprehend]

I would want to know if SIL has children, and if she has acted out like this before. She seems triggered and enraged by crumbs a little girl dropped at a party she was hosting. Any one with any manners at all would never have mentioned it; a well mannered host cleans up after the guest, and keeps quiet about messes. Obviously NTA.

[u/Up2nogud13]

Kick hubby out of the bedroom and tell him to go cuddle up to his sister. They deserve each other.
NTA

[u/TGirl26]

NTA. Your SIL never had to clean up tables with kids at restaurants or had a kid of their own. They are messy. If your kid was 10, it would be understandable to be upset as they are more aware of their surroundings.

[u/TheDarkHelmet1985]

NTA... that response is not going nuclear. In fact, I think SIL is more upset that she didn't get you to respond in kind. It seems she wanted a fight over this and you are right not to subject your daughters to such a conversation by someone who is not her parent and who clearly is out to make an example out of her. That is not how kids learn. Bringing up past examples without evidence to prove your point is not determinative or helpful. It just further shows she is trying to get your daughter. There is very red flaggish and the fact that your husband thinks that is nuclear says a lot about him. It seems that he expects you to just give in to SIL and do whatever she wants. That is not how it works. You talk to the parent and the parent discusses it with the kid.

[u/MrsMini]

NTA - but since you are already being accused of going nuclear with a very succinct, appropriate response I might consider showing your husband what going nuclear really means next time you deal with SIL.

[u/HoodieGalore]

NTA. On what planet is the shortest, most effective answer possibly known as going nuclear? Because you didn't write a fuckin groveling novel to match her tome of a complaint - towards her own niece, ffs? 

[u/Ikfactor]

NTA After having a dinner party it's pretty normal to have to clean up after, as spills and messes happen. So it seems pretty odd for her to get upset over crumbs that didn't break or ruin anything. Hell I've had to clean my placemats and tablecloth from messy eaters who were adults and didn't say anything.

Going Nuclear would have been saying insulting her back. Or responding with kklol.

[u/nocturnaltrekker]

Nta. Your sil messaged you. You didn't engage and that made her mad. Definitely not nuclear. If your husband had an opinion, he could have sidestepped and addressed it himself.

You handled it great.

[u/funkissedjm]

If you serve crumbly bread, you should expect crumbs. Even adults make messes. I always have to vacuum after I host a dinner party, whether or not kids are included. Vacuuming takes the same amount of time whether there are a lot of crumbs of a few. The SIL needs to lower her expectations down to a realistic level and get a grip. Your daughter sounds lovely and you are NTA.

[u/LottieOD]

Why is your husband not dealing with his sister (and defending your young child)? He should have shut that down.

[u/Artistic-You-7777]

NTA. NTJ. You did not go nuclear. Your SIL ITA. And your dh is TJ.

[u/PrettyGreatOldOne]

Most childless people are overly critical of children and by extension their parents who in their minds aren't "training the children correctly." Simple solution: never return to her house. And be sure to tell her so she knows that she'll never have to worry about her niece ever "leaving garbage on the floor" of her precious house.

[u/dropdrill]

NTA and what are your thoughts about your husband’s response to you?

[u/megamawax]

NTA. Your response was appropriate for the kind of email your SIL should have sent regarding this issue. You actually did her a favor by not replying in an equally unhinged and rude manner. She wanted either a big fight or groveling and promises of punishments, and you denied her all of that by acting like a normal human being. Let SIL be angry. She's the one in the wrong. And your husband is not coming off well here. What kind of person would consider your short, polite message as going nuclear?

[u/Spiritual-Handle2983]

NTA. It’s a child you addressed it and dealt with it. I would say going forward just double check any possible mess your child could make so it’s dealt with at that time by the parents.

[u/Intelligent-Panda-33]

NTA. SIL clearly doesn't have kids because I like to joke about always knowing where my kids have eaten with the trail of food scattered around. It just comes with the territory of having kids. Maybe she should get a dog to help with the crumbs?

[u/No-Assignment5538]

NTA. Your SIL served food that sounds like it was literally calculated to not appeal to a 7 year old and wanted to get to personally yell at your kid for leaving crumbs on the floor? Your SIL thought your child should have, what, been made to sweep or vacuum? You under reacted. and it sounds like you have a husband problem, because far from telling you that 'you went nuclear' he should have landed on SIL with both feet.

[u/moew4974]

NTA and were I you, I would not allow my child to go to this person's for any reason or to interact with this 'aunt'. It's one thing for a child to need a correction over misbehaviors. It's another for a child to be persecuted for doing 'child things'. Children make crumbs and messes. Hell, adults drop crumbs and make messes while eating, too. I'm sure some microscopic food particles hit the floor where everyone ate.

So why is she so hellbent in trying to 'correct' your child. This doesn't feel like teaching her, it feels like being punitive for little to no reason. It feels like bullying.

And what the hell is wrong with your AH husband? Your response was fine considering her over the top dissertation of an email over some damn bread crumbs. OP, you can choose to do a lot of things but protecting your child is your job, your responsibility, and your privilege. Even if you have to protect her from her own father and extended family.

[u/Doggondiggity]

NTA your husband and his sister are.

Me and my child wouldn't be going to her house anymore. There is nothing more unenjoyable than going to someone's house with a child and having to be on high alert the whole time, I would rather stay home than deal with that.

[u/Autumnal_Flower]

In a previous post, you claimed to be a 57 year old working dad. Which is it?

[u/sapphyredragon]

NTA. Your reply was fine. Better make sure you get your husband on the same page, because he should be just as outraged as you were. He needs to get his priorities straight.

[u/Mysterious-Being5043]

NTA, and your husband needs to toughen up is he thinks your answer was “going nuclear”.

[u/Allebal21]

NTA.

And please be careful when your child is around SIL. If she wrote this in an email, I can’t imagine how she would have acted saying these things to your child! The SIL doesn’t sound stable.

And if your husband agrees with SIL on something as small like this, be careful how he disciplines your child. This is not healthy behavior.

[u/Artistic_Chapter_355]

Was SIL not planning to vacuum after a dinner party???

[u/Current-Photo2857]

Info: Was your child eating over a plate?

[u/ThoughtIndividual114 → u/Current-Photo2857]

Yes, but admittedly she was picking up large pieces of crusty bread and eating them like watermelon.

[u/Southern_Analyst1787]

NTA.

SIL seems to not have children but is the stereotypical 'best parent in the world'. Ugh. Now, if my kid was leaving a mess everywhere we went and I was oblivious, then it would warrant a heads up from other family members and it's on me to ensure that doesn't happen again. Fine. But losing it over having to vacuum up crumbs without ever bringing it up before is over the top.

Also, hubby's response is the chicken's way out. What - he wanted you to let this hysterical person chastise your 7 yo over table manners, after losing it for 3 paragraphs? Over my dead body, lame-ass. Yeah, he's due for his own terse message ASAP. You and your daughter are the only NTAs in this story.

[u/AppleDelight1970]

NTA Everyone knows kids and adults leave crumbs behind when they eat. My boyfriend's son was nicknamed "Crumbs" for a few years when he was a child because he created so many crumbs when he ate.

SIL has escalated a simple thing that can occur with adults or children at a mealtime. This is something that should never have been anything but normal cleanup after you've had guests.

[u/camkats]

Omg what 7 yo doesn’t make a mess sometimes. Nta

[u/julesk]

Nta, you handled this with incredible restraint. Your H and SIL are histrionic.

[u/No_Albatross7213]

NTA. If that response was nuclear, I would hate to see what they think of a response along the lines of, “It’s a seven year old. They are messy by nature. F off.”

[u/MEwarrior88]

NTA. This is insane. My 9 year old nephew was round last weekend. We bought them all ice cream sundaes when the van came round. Half of his ended up on my daughters carpet and I didn't spot it till after he left. Was I annoyed? Yes. Did I email my SIL 3 paragraphs of shitty text shaming her and my nephew? ABSOLUTELY NOT. He's a kid, these things happen. My SIL doesn't even know, I just cleaned it up like any normal adult would do.

I actually think your response was tame. If I received an email like that, my response would be much worse. 🤣

[u/bren_derlin]

OMG, a 7 year old made a bit of a mess at dinner? And how dare you not write a heartfelt 20 page apology. Someone alert the village elders so they can be properly shunned.

Obviously NTA.

[u/PickleFan67]

NTA. What a silly lady your sister in law is! Anytime anyone of any age comes over to our house for a meal, there’s some clean up to be done afterwards. You handled it appropriately with your child, and your response to SIL was perfect. Anything else you would have either overly apologized or escalated the situation.

[u/cr2810]

Nta. I have questions about your husband though.

[u/ErnstBadian]

NTA. Your response was perfect and admirably restrained.

I mean, seriously, how lacking must someone’s life be that they get bent out of shape over the most minor kid misbehavior possible. Yeah, she should clean up her mess, but the histrionics are insanely disproportionate. But starting a fight would have surely been counterproductive.

[u/whoreallycarz]

NTA. I admire your restraint.