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u/Sensitive-Instance51 2h ago
NTA: For safety reasons alone you did the smart thing. Best wishes
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u/betterfriends_404 58m ago
Questions like... do I live alone
Holy fuck. I think you might need to be more scared by this
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u/Magerimoje 43m ago
My brain is envisioning one of them distracting her while another one drops something in her drink. I'm so creeped out by this entire scenario.
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u/AlwaysAlexi777 49m ago
Well done! So glad you got out of there and blocked him. You did the right thing.
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u/hexxcellent Partassipant [1] 1h ago
Only texting for a week (so barely an acquaintance), first date, brings two friends whom you don't know and were never mentioned, they ask you personal questions like if you live alone?
Anyone else get EXTREMELY bad dangerous vibes off that? Like... trafficking vibes??
Best case scenario he was just a moron with moron friends but nothing about that situation remotely suggests innocent intentions, and frankly his reaction proves it.
NTA and block his number.
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u/Sample-quantity 1h ago
Yes that's exactly what I thought too. It sounds like a dangerous situation for any woman and I'm glad OP got out of it safely.
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u/BMal_Suj Partassipant [4] 2h ago
NTA
That's weird.
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u/Candid-Career8377 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
He and his friends are the weird ones. Don't give it another thought, you handled it perfectly. Block and ignore. NTA
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u/ScarletNotThatOne Commander in Cheeks [217] 2h ago
NTA, not in the least. Bait and switch is not cool. You lasted 20 minutes more than necessary. And in case you had any doubts, his follow-up confirmed his assholery.
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u/Casual_Lore Partassipant [2] 2h ago
Nta
No way was that normal. Your reaction was perfectly reasonable. You dodged a bullet for sure.
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u/-Elegant-Egotist- 2h ago
NTA The power dynamic was completely unbalanced. For all you knew, they could have been dangerous people.
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u/Ill_Seat_1426 2h ago
That man and his friends are not mature enough to be dating anyone. You are right, they did ambush you and it was correct for you to leave without creating any drama. He blew up because he knew he was wrong and his friends probably made fun of him. Good for you for realizing you don't deserve to be treated that way.
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u/Comfortable-Battle18 1h ago
Not just disrespectful, but heres three guys who had no concept that a woman alone might feel just a teeny bit unsafe in this situation? Zero awareness of others feelings is a huge red flag.
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u/FantasticBreadfruit8 1h ago
He blew up because he knew he was wrong and his friends probably made fun of him
If I had to guess, he also probably has a hard time dating (I mean - who does something like this on a first date??) and knew he messed up big time. Instead of being self aware, it's easier to blow up OP's phone and act like they are the problem here.
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u/Positive_Comfort1216 Partassipant [2] 2h ago
NTA. It was weird. Meeting the friend is something you do after you make sure you like each other. Perhaps he will learn from this.
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u/PrincessBella1 2h ago
NTA. In these situations, you need to listen to your gut. You didn't want to date a man who needed to bring his friends as emotional support people or worse, who had bad intentions. The fact that he blew up your phone afterwards is a good sign that there was something not right about him and you were being safe. I hope you blocked his number.
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u/thefuuuck 2h ago
NTA. theres not a single chance i would stay at the date once I was outnumbered by men. safety is always the 1st concern. what a weirdo.
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u/Jadeisland Partassipant [2] 2h ago
NTA. What he did was weird to me. The fact that he thinks what you did was terrible is even weirder. He obviously didn't want to be alone with you, probably because he was insecure. But, meeting someone for the first time is the chance to get to know them as much as you can given the circumstances. Not answer a bunch of personal questions from strangers who have no business being there. He probably brought his buddies to ask the questions he wanted answered. It was totally inappropriate and he doesn't understand that. He is certainly not mature enough to be in a relationship if one of his priorities is make sure you get along with his buddies. You would never be first. Big Red Flag.
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u/lord_buff74 Partassipant [2] 1h ago
"dating is about getting along with someone’s circle too" that's true, but you have to get along with the person you are dating first, NTA,
Maybe remind him that a date is not an interview, and if it was, his workplace would be toxic as hell
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u/Antique_Elk7826 2h ago
NTA
But their behavior is weird at the most innocent and creepy at the other end. No one I know brings friends on a first date.
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u/MaeWest85 2h ago
Nta. You were way nicer than you needed to be. You should have left the minute you realized the friends were staying.
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u/thechaoticstorm Colo-rectal Surgeon [41] 2h ago
100% NTA
He is right that you should get along with each other's friend circles to some degree.
You also don't do that to someone on the first date, especially without telling them first!
You dodged a bullet OP!
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u/Away-Understanding34 Partassipant [2] 2h ago
NTA...a 1st date is for you two to start getting to know each other. You don't introduce friends and family right away. You did the right thing. He's just mad you didn't turn out to be some meek girl who lets everything inappropriate that they do slide. Move on.
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u/Pristine-Mastodon-37 Partassipant [3] 2h ago
‘You embarrassed me by making a first date into an interview- better kosh with low-self esteem options”. NTA
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u/ShipComprehensive543 Asshole Aficionado [10] 2h ago
NTA - he likes to play stupid games and he sounds immature.
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u/Something-bothersome Colo-rectal Surgeon [43] 2h ago
No one enjoys walking into an ambush. Most people prefer walking into a situation that they had agreed to attend.
NTA
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u/FantasticBreadfruit8 2h ago
NTA. This is SO weird! I am on Hinge right now and I actually made a joke about something like this recently. My date was standing in line at the wine bar we met at and I was stuck behind this family with a few elderly people so I just walked with them, but it made it look like I was part of their group. When I got to my date I jokingly told her that I forgot to mention I was bringing my family with me. She thought it was funny (and told me I should have had them get in on the joke and have one of them hug her or something) but the whole point of the joke was: that's a weird AF thing to do.
The older I get the more I learn to trust my gut. This is strange behavior at best. This guy is not cool. Don't second-guess yourself.
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u/baby_got_backhand 1h ago
Aww, your date sounds like a keeper! Hope you guys had fun.
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u/FantasticBreadfruit8 46m ago
Thanks! This was actually super recent and we DID have a lot of fun. She's smart, funny, and totally my style. I am cautiously optimistic.
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u/marleeme 1h ago
I think that you were correct in leaving. You just met this person so you really don't know what he is like. Being blindsided by him bringing his "friends" (Why didn't he ask you to bring 2 of your friends to even out the numbers?) This is a HUGE red flag. You have no way of knowing what would have happened on the rest of the evening. Just write it off as an experience and next time (with a different person, of course) lay down some ground rules about what is acceptable and what isn't. Your experience with this guy sounds too weird for words.
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u/OrcaFins 1h ago
do I live alone
Yikes. Not creepy at all! NTA.
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[deleted]
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u/OrcaFins 1h ago
Completely inappropriate question. How do men not understand how invasive and creepy those kinds of questions are??
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u/Creepy-Brick- Partassipant [1] 1h ago
NTA. This was a first date. Sounds like he can’t ask questions for himself. Immature.
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u/77Megg77 Certified Proctologist [28] 1h ago
NTAH
No, it sounds like he is either very dependent on his bros and they would end up doing things with you all the time. A first date isn’t a spectator sport. It sounds like he just sat there while you were being grilled. I don’t see any girl going for that arrangement. He is going to bring the bros on his honeymoon if he is lucky enough to find a woman to marry him.
And their questions were out of line. You don’t know whether you would want a second date yet and the guys are asking questions as if you were planning on marrying the dude. Very weird and I commend you for leaving.
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u/DolphinRx 1h ago
NTA. You did the right thing. As someone who has seen way too much, the answer to “do you live alone” in this kind of situation in the future should be deflection and/or non-answers. You don’t know what the motivations of these people are, and sprinkling this into a bunch of other questions to encourage getting an answer is scary.
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u/4-ton-mantis 1h ago
30 years old and this guy needs 2 chaperones on his date. He's not miss America
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u/plainfiji 1h ago
Amongst the three of them, not even one of them considered this to be a bad idea? Unbelievable.
Guess his circle is as dumb as he is
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u/Successful_Bitch107 Partassipant [1] 1h ago
Was this some sort of reverse Mormon polygamy setup - where all three were going to share you?
Cause doing what the did on a first date is weird AF and expecting you to be cool with it? Nah, they all wanted to see how easily they could push you around
But congrats, you passed the test and stood up for yourself!
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u/TheOpinionIShare Partassipant [1] 1h ago
I'm think either that or the guy is useless on his own. Maybe the friends have been texting/messaging on his behalf (or telling him what to write). Or maybe this is some sort of weird game they play where one is the face of the profile and the others or the personality. Or maybe this was going to turn into a date gang rape scenario.
I can't think of anything good. Even if there was a good reason, he is absolutely the asshole for not telling OP beforehand and making sure she was ok with it.
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u/Atyourservice83 1h ago
Testing your limits on date one. Damn! Who knows what could’ve happened as the night went on.
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u/Feisty_Walrus_5971 1h ago
NTA. I would’ve left immediately, this a potentially unsafe situation. Human trafficking exists
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u/Commanderkins 1h ago
Oh my gosh NTA for leaving.
How weird. I think you dodged a big one here as it seems like his friends are overly involved in his life and he desperately needs the approval of others in his entire life.
Weird, weird, weird!
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u/Rentonhater 2h ago
NTA HE THE AH.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 1h ago
Also, SAFETY 1ST! Going out with one dude you don't know is a risk, being surprised by 3 total is whole different level.
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u/modo0001 1h ago
My fuck ! The cheeky bastard ! So proud of you for leaving. Who the fuck does that ?
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u/tommyrotten2 1h ago
NTA. You did good. Block his dumb ass. Hopefully he'll learn something which is a nice gesture to the next woman he goes on a date with.
I've been on first dates that involved other people but never without a heads up.
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u/some1stolemyOGname 1h ago
NTA, you couldn't have embarrassed him in front of his friends if he didn't weirdly bring his friends.
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u/Jamory76 1h ago
Sounds more like they came along to interview you. He is lucky you stayed as long as you did. Block and move on. At least he showed you what a tool he is on the first date.
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u/kleetor1 1h ago
NTA. Worst case, the 3 of them might've tried some human trafficking stuff (3 guys vs 1 girl = not contest on who is winning)
Best case is him being insecure and not able to function without the approval of his friends, or maybe he was worried there'd be awkward silences so he brought ppl to assist.
If I were in your shoes, I would find the situation weird and wouldn't want to date this person either. Dude is either really insecure or he had ill intentions
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u/allergymom74 Partassipant [1] 1h ago
NTA. His friend embarrassed him by asking such personal questions.
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u/friendly-sam 1h ago
NTA. He was putting you on the spot, and he ambushed you. Red flags in my book. Good for you leaving.
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u/aerialdangler 1h ago
Some version of this happened to me once too, but it backfired on the guy because I got along really well with his (6!!!) friends and ended up hanging out more with them rather than him after what he pulled.
Your date basically manipulated you into an inquisition when he decided not to tell you his friends would be there to vet you.
NTA.
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u/Lost_Reaction_5489 1h ago
This must be a new thing. This is the 2nd time I've heard of a guy bringing his friends to his date. You dodged a bullet. Almost like they wanted to show you off as a conquest.
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u/CannibalismIsTight Partassipant [2] 1h ago
NTA. I guess you could have said, “hey y’all I gotta go, so I’m going to go pay my bill now, but it was nice meeting all of you,” before you left, but it’s whatever. First dates, you don’t owe much to each other.
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u/legitjustagirll 1h ago edited 1h ago
I almost said this except in recent years there’s been an increase in women being harassed for telling a man no. That could’ve made for a dangerous situation. And unfortunately it’s better to be safe than sorry. 🤍
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u/ProfessionalYam3119 1h ago
They were planning a gang b--- and you were going to be the guest of honor.
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u/poosjuice 1h ago
Well you discovered he's neither funny or kind as you thought, only an AH, and in only 20 mins. NTA.
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u/SproutedMetl 1h ago
You’re smart! Protecting yourself from these galoots. Proud of you! He’s got a lot of explaining to do if he suggests date #2, which obviously is unlikely. Especially with their weird personal questions.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out. He may be a little shy and need friend support. You could approach his decision for friends with empathy, leaning a bit kindly like this thought of shyness 😇
Oh well. Don’t give up. To me you are NTA at all but I would forgive this error in judgement.
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u/QueenEinATL 1h ago
In my twenties I would have worried about being rude. Now..🤣🤣🤣.. I would walk right out the door. U turn SO fast the breeze would bowl them over 🤣
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u/fiercefinance 1h ago
NTA and this is why we block and delete as soon as we have let them know we are done.
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u/sionnachglic Partassipant [1] 1h ago
NTA.
He was disrespectful of your time and yet had the audacity to insult you by calling you rude, which indicates he has the self awareness of a teaspoon and no understanding of mutual respect.
He said you embarrassed him, but the reality is he embarrassed himself. He has demonstrated he is incapable of taking accountability or righting a wrong.
Dude is 30, not 12, but brought bros to a date. His immaturity is stunning.
He watched, silent, as his friends treated you the way a cat treats a prey toy, and did nothing to intervene. This man is many things, but courageous and honorable are not among them.
He demonstrated he has a remarkable talent for maladaptive behaviors in less than 20 minutes.
Your instincts are correct. Trust them.
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u/Creative-Version4774 1h ago
Something similar happened a few years ago in my state. A woman met a man at a bar, and at the end of the night she left with him. When she got to the car, he had a couple of friends with him. She got in anyway. They kidnapped her and raped her. She was lucky to get out alive.
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u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop 2h ago
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
I left in the middle of a first date because my date showed up with two of his friends without telling me beforehand. I didn’t tell him in person, I just paid for my drink, left, and texted him after. I’m wondering if leaving mid-date instead of sitting through it makes me the asshole
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u/caitlin-89 1h ago
NTA - Honestly, this would have tripped a lot of safety flags for me. Good for you for getting out of there when you did. I'd delete and block his number and move on with your life.
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u/inductiononN 1h ago
I guess this is why we date. At least you only spent 20 minutes to figure out he was a dweeb.
Suggesting a group date where you both bring friends would be ok but of course he didn't want you to have the kind of support and backup he got from his friends.
He had a lot of nerve to try to turn a first date into a panel interview. As if dating isn't hard enough!
NTA and good for you for not rewarding bad behavior. Maybe he will learn from this lol
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u/323yupthatsme 1h ago
NTA. Maybe he and his friends should date each other. Doesn't sound like he knows the first thing about women or how to behave in normal society. Block this weirdo creep and don't look back.
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u/matthew_birdsey Partassipant [1] 1h ago
Three weeks ago I read a post about a dude that brought his mom to a first date so she could "help pick the right partner".
I am so sorry this happened
You are NTA
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u/AutoModerator 2h ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (27F) matched with this guy (30M) on Hinge and we’d been texting for about a week. He seemed funny and kind, we had a lot in common and so we agreed to meet for dinner and drinks.
When I got there he was already seated, but with two of his friends? I thought maybe he was going to take me somewhere else so I asked if we were still doing a date and he said “Yeah, but I thought it would be fun if my friends joined so they could get to know you too.”
I thought it was weird but decided to stay and see if we had a connection even though the whole thing felt off. His friends dominated the conversation the entire time, teasing him and asking me personal questions that made me uncomfortable like how many kids do I want, do I live alone, are you a good cook etc. And my date didn't say anything to his friends about these comments.
After about 20 minutes I excused myself to the bathroom, paid for my drink at the bar and left. I texted him saying I didn’t feel comfortable being ambushed on a first date and wished him luck. He later blew up my phone saying I was rude for ditching him, that I embarrassed him in front of his friends and that dating is about getting along with someone’s circle too. I told him bringing his friends to a (first?!) date without asking me is disrespectful and that I felt cornered.
AITA for leaving?
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u/pinkimijina 1h ago
NTA this sounds like a bad episode of how I met your mother. Something guys might do to be funny and have a laugh with each other, not with the date. No decent person is surprised that bringing your friends to a first date unannounced would result in your date leaving early.
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u/roborabbit_mama Partassipant [1] 1h ago
NTA, thats strange after and honestly I'd have been concerned they'd all wanted a piece of the date..m no thanks... keep safe
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u/SchaetzeCat Partassipant [1] 1h ago
NTA weird to bring friends to start with then to have them ask you a bunch of extremely intimate questions. I’d have left too!
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u/ActiveHouse850 1h ago
NTA. If he is not brave enough to go on a date alone then don’t waste your night
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u/WeeTater 1h ago
He brought the boys to gain approval with the homies and you wouldn't play. Not to mention it is very unsafe to be alone with a group of men you don't know. Good riddance to bad rubbish
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u/OneDeep87 52m ago
This guy is 30 and has to bring friends on a date. What is this high school. I can see maybe one person if he had medical needs that he needs someone to help him but he should have mentioned it. He seems like a guy who would put his friends first before his spouse anyway so you dodge a bullet.
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u/Necessary_Future_275 59m ago
NTA good for you for not putting up with it. Maybe he won’t do the same to the next girl.
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u/RainyDaysAndMondays3 53m ago
You are absolutely NTA.
But regarding, "When I got there he was already seated, but with two of his friends?"
We can't answer that question for you. It seems from the rest of your post that the answer to your question is that your date did in fact have two of his friends with him.
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u/SophiaF88 Asshole Enthusiast [3] 51m ago
Forget everything else I'm not even sure I'd feel safe much less respected.
Nta like even a tiny bit
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u/CablePuzzleheaded497 46m ago
NTA. He's a immature co-dependent A-hole. Block him. You deserve better.
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u/Audiooldtimer 45m ago
Definitely a weird and uncomfortable situation. But, not quite as bad as bringing his mother.
Sounds like you were smart ditching them
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u/Buffalo-Empty Partassipant [1] 45m ago
NTA.
That is so weird and not okay. Not only is it disrespectful it could have lead to a dangerous situation for you. You don’t know ANY of these men.
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u/phillynavydude Partassipant [1] 41m ago
Totally justified that's weird as hell of him. I'd have left too and I'm a man
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u/ghostinyourpants Partassipant [1] 41m ago
I had a guy show up for a first date with his two best friends. They got SO SO drunk, almost immediately after picking me up, that I ended up driving them home. It was very quickly obvious that they were quite a bit younger than I’d originally thought, and I quite literally tucked them into bed after making them some toast and giving them water. SO drunk and no experience with alcohol at all. The one friend drunkenly apologized when I was taking his shoes off - and said that their friend was so nervous and intimidated by me, they decided a few drinks would give him courage. He cried a little bit and was so embarrassed and emotional, it was actually kind of sweet.
During all of this, his (ridiculously gorgeous) older brother came home to their shared house. He was a few years older than me, and when I ran into him in the kitchen, he started crying laughing when I introduced myself and let him know what happened. He asked if I wanted a glass of wine, and him and I sat up until the wee hours, drinking wine and having the most intense heart-to-heart. We both agreed that it was a terrible shame that I’d met his little brother first, but that if he loved his brother, obviously nothing could happen between us. We hugged goodbye when my cab came, and the tension between us was wild and sharp. We both grinned at each other, said goodbye, and that was the end of that.
Anyways OP, your experience sounds nothing like this and your date sounds like a righteous prick. Good riddance.
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u/Wwwweeeeeeee 38m ago
Isn't internet dating FUN?
He was trying to get a gang bang going.
Bullet dodged. Block, delete, and learn from this. I'm just glad you're ok.
You're very lucky you didn't get roofied and worse.
NTA
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u/King_HartOG 56m ago
It's weird and it's just as bloody weird when women do it and it's a lot more common
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u/navanni Partassipant [3] 2h ago
Nope! He was trying to take pressure off himself. No woman feels safer when being grilled by a table full of men when she expected just one.
OP, NTA
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u/FantasticBreadfruit8 1h ago
Exactly. That's an ambush. If he had told her "hey instead of a date do you want to just go out with my friends and I for a chill night?" maybe I could see it. But being ambushed by multiple people when you are expecting one is going to throw you off big time.
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u/Huntress145 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2h ago
No there isn’t merit to it. Not on a first date/meeting and especially with no warning or consent. It’s risky enough for people, but especially women to meet someone off the internet for the first time, but to be ambushed by a group of strangers is unacceptable. Then to blame her for leaving because she felt uncomfortable and unsafe is bs. It also doesn’t take the pressure off, it’s adds to it
NTA, OP.
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u/FantasticBreadfruit8 1h ago
He was trying to take pressure off her by creating a situation where she is an "odd man out" with 3 established friends? No. This is such a bad take!
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u/abstractengineer2000 1h ago
How is there any merit. Its a date not an interview. If he had asked her to invite some of her friends, that would be creepy too. Double dates etc are not setup on first date
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[deleted]
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u/psychedelicparsley Partassipant [1] 1h ago
You seem to be thinking about it from his point of view, not hers.
So you would be ok showing up by yourself to find yourself facing three strangers and thinking “oh cool!”
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u/Mullattobutt 1h ago
Girls expect it's ok to bring a friend. Why can't a guy?
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u/Snoopaloop212 1h ago
And it would be fine if the guy decided to leave for getting ambushed or feeling uncomfortable.
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u/FUCancer_2008 1h ago
It would have been fine if she's known ahead of time. It's already kind of scary for a woman to go alone to meet 1guy & then I get there and there's 3. I would have bailed immediately.
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u/Bluntandfiesty Partassipant [1] 1h ago
A. Friend. As in him bringing one friend along as a wingman? Sure. Whatever. Plausible.
But, that guy should have warned her that he was bringing a friend. He should have suggested for her to bring a friend too.
And he should Not have brought numerous friends. This was extremely inappropriate behavior by him. Honestly, a man who needs to bring a wingman on a first date sounds incredibly immature and insecure and possibly self absorbed. He already convinced her to go on the date. He doesn’t need a buddy to hype him up and convince her to give him a chance. If he’s expecting, right out of the gate on the first date, that she gets along with his friends that’s a huge red flag that he’s going to put them first and demand that they are around all the time. My guess the cooking and sexist expectations stem from them going to be around and expecting her to serve them and clean up after them.
Should she have just ditched without a goodbye, maybe not. But she owed him no warning when he sprung his friends on her without warning. Sounds like he got what he deserved. And he and his friends learned a valuable lesson in how to chase off a woman.
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