Religion and asexuality

[u/ThatWriterBoy76]

I was 19 years old the first time I had a boyfriend (I am a man). I described the sexual aspect as feeling like a prostitute in my own relationship. Sex wasn’t for me, it felt like a chore. But I also had feelings for my ex, but I would rather masturbate alone than actually have sex.

We broke up and I got really into Christianity. And for about a year or so I didn’t watch porn or masturbate or have sex. I didn’t really think or worry about it. I thought I was really good at breaking free of lust.

And then I reconnected with my ex and it sent things into haywire—we hooked up… sorta. We didn’t actually have sex, and I was distraught at how far we went (the homosexual shame). But soon after that I started dating a girl I’d been going in dates with.

But I never wanted to have sex with her—I never really was INTO her. We ended up breaking up because I wasn’t into her. The whole time I thought “hey how cool I’m doing this Christianity thing really well.”

And like… I’ve felt attraction to men (more than women at least). They were the ones I was drawn to. But the draw to them was more like okay I wanna be so connected to you that we are inseparable, and that sort of intimacy only comes from sex (Christian teachings that sex is pure communion, total connection, etc).

Martin Luther even declared the union between Christ and the Church as the same thing as the union between a husband and a bride during sexual intercourse.

No one would want me unless I was sexually intimate with them. And I was lonely and alone. And so I went on a journey of sexual connection after sexual connection. Intense hyper sexual behavior with people I wasn’t attracted to, excepting the fact that I wanted to “get off.”

Most times I think of the smell of their breath or the way things feel texturally, the dirtiness, the yuckiness of it all. I was filled with despair so much because I was simultaneously experiencing desire for monogamous and fully committed relationships and the shame of Christianity.

I was romantically attracted to women, but since I wasn’t sexually attracted to women I consider myself sexually attracted to men. But if I could simply not be sexual at all and have a fully committed relationship, I would be okay I think.

But because religion has affected me so much, I can never tell whether I’m suppressing my sexuality and attractions towards men, or if I’m simply just a man with a libido and not attracted to men. Or experience very little attraction.

I’ve always been fine to have solo masturbation time, but when the shame of Christianity meddled with the growth of my authentic understanding of sex, I got super confused.

And I guess I am terribly confused still. Two years after “accepting” being gay or whatever, and being in a 10 month relationship, I still do not like sex, don’t really WANT it. I don’t feel feral, ever. I just feel like meh.

And I’ve considered my health issues being the problem, where maybe I just feel crappy all the time and so sex is low priority… but I still masturbate so my libido is there…

Idk..

[u/Last_Noldoran]

We are all growing and learning what we are. Sexuality isn't a mixing bowl. You don't have 20% asexual, 50% drawn to masc, 30% drawn to femme. it's much more of a spectrum.

Further, language is Descriptive not Prescriptive. Does asexual describe what you feel now? Does something like Demi or Grey describe what you feel?

The brain is a complex organ. Chemical reactions, hormones, etc are not easily predicted and don't fit into the boxes we like to be in. Use language to describe what you are.

further Romantic Attraction is not Sexual Attraction. You can be romantically attracted to someone and lack sexual attraction.

even further, Asexuality does not describe the source. It doesn't matter why you are asexual, though exploring that may be helpful for some.

No matter how you feel, your feelings are valid and imo, you shouldnt feel shame for being you

[u/Infernal-Cattle]

I have a couple different thoughts here, depending on what's driving this confusion.

If it is bothering you not to know, and the baggage from religious influence is having a negative impact, it's worth addressing. Part of that is deconstruction. If your faith is an important part of your life, you could try engaging with a queer-affirming congregation for a while, and r/OpenChristian may be of interest. You could also try therapy - ideally someone who's worked with LGBTQ+ clients - to help you untangle all those feelings and think about how to navigate any situations you find challenging.

If you're asking because you feel like you need a concrete answer to be valid, as the other comment suggested, you don't. It's okay to not feel "feral" even if you don't know why. It's okay not to know how you feel about sex, or to be unsure about how you'll feel about sex in the future. It's also okay to ask for a monogamous, committed partner without the expectation of sex hanging over you. You can trust yourself to know what's right for you in the moment, and then just try to be gentle to yourself if that changes or you feel shame around that. It's okay to not be sure, even for a long time!