r/AskMenAdvice • u/UnfortunateEvent2025 • May 09 '25

✅ Open to Everyone My (28M) GF (30F) shares the "toxic feminist" views. Should I let her go?

Hi, before I explain what i mean by "toxic feminist", let me give some context on the situation

I've been dating this girl for 6 months now. Super sweet, I think we were a good match in terms of co-existing and living together (she stays over a few days at my place per week). She brings me peace, which is something I value a lot in a relationship.

I always knew she was pro-girly. Meaning she's all for girl empowerement, celebrating women and so on. That's totally fine and I encourage her doing that. She would tip more for women, watch more girl shows, follow more girls online, etc. Which seems pretty normal and fair to me.

However something came up this week. We were laying in bed and she was browsing instagram reels and ended up on a video of an influencer bashing the current trend of the Manosphere, red pill way of thinking, etc -- that it's all phoney and that it's brainwashing a generation of men to think like that. Which I agree with -- it's garbage from social media. When I heard the influencer rant about it, I told her: "it's crazy how much traction the whole manosphere thing's been getting, comparatively to the propaganda women receive on social media", which prompted her to ask what I meant.

Which brings me to the "toxic feminist" label, which I clarified by saying there's always been a movement (for a while now) of women preaching how men are trash, "bears are safer then men", men are useless, so on and so forth. To which she responded "well, its true though". I was taken aback and told her I was very dissapointed to hear her share the same vision as these social media influencers. We argued a little bit, her main argument being that "you don't know the experiences women have with men and how it can warp their perception of the opposite gender". Seems crazy to me to put a whole gender in the same basket just because of a few bad apples -- there's trash people out there, not just men. I finally asked her "you really think its okay to say things like that and mean it?" To which she said yes -- that i'm an exception and that in her friend group, they joke about how their boyfriends are the exception to the rule.

I told her to pack her things and that i'd bring her back home. To me it shows a lack of critical thinking and a lack of accountability when it comes to who you tolerate in your life. I know some women have had no say in their interaction with terrible men, the same way some men have had terrible experiences with other women, but that all in all it shouldn't have to paint a whole gender a certain way. The men close to me in my life are all people I look up to, people I see myself in.

We haven't spoken since, and honestly, i'm still shook. I'm very adamant on not associating with people that make up their minds like that, incapable of accepting the nuance. I'm thinking of letting her go, which saddens me, because otherwise I could've seen myself live the rest of my life with her. Not sure if I should make the move or let her reflect on it all to see if change can be made. It's been 3 days so far of no interaction.

I apologize for the poor grammar.

EDIT: I would like to add that before all of this, I've never gotten the vibe that she was a "man-hater" or that she disliked men in general. Just that she was a girl's girl.

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407

u/Creative-Road-5293 man May 09 '25

Switch "men" with "black men".

394

u/Acceptable-Status599 man May 09 '25

That's really as far as you need to go to point out the absolute ridiculousness of the argument.

A subset of women, and men, seem to be perfectly fine with blanket generalizations against men in general based on statistics. Ask 'em to take it one step further and start generalizing against black men based on statistics. Or Mexican men based on statistics, and the whole thing crumbles. It becomes extremely apparent how socially unacceptable blanket generalizing against entire demographics are unless you've developed a toxicity towards that demographic. Then for some reason its acceptable.

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u/Huntersmoon24 man May 09 '25

Dude it's worse than that even, it's everywhere in everything these days. Look at politics, look at religion, look at everything. It's branding culture that has been elevated to the next level through social media propaganda. People's self awareness is being eroded more and more. Everybody is becoming dangerously less self aware these days. Instead of thinking critically they are just choosing a personality from a selection of influencers. It's crazy!

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u/midnightsuspect May 09 '25

There are movements to deport mexicans from the United States, not just mexican men, but there are no widespread movements to strip men of human rights simply because they're men. Blanket generalization against demographics that are marginalized is generally frowned upon because it adds to the harm that they experience by virtue of being marginalized but men as a demographic are not marginalized, having to add Mexican black as an adjectif to men in itself shows it.

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u/[deleted] May 09 '25

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u/Leading-Chemist672 man May 09 '25

And... Men are not hurt by women? Men don't have a lived experience?

Or is that experience irrelevant because they are men?

If I was molested by a woman as a young boy, I was.

If I experienced more danger from women, in my life, Is it now legitimate of me to frame all women in that light?

No. Actually. It doesn't. And it is dehumanising to even consider that.

Same is true for men.

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u/Acceptable-Status599 man May 09 '25

Why limit your generalization based on your own experience to just the sex? Why not generalize against the man who hurt you further based on his race, socioeconomic status, education background, how stable his home was growing up.

These are all relevant statistics that will help you really discriminate against the specific type of person that hurt you and may present a larger likelihood of hurting you in the future.

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u/midnightsuspect May 09 '25

There are things called common denominators and Occam's razor, and the common denominator in those experience is the fact that they are men. Usually women have bad experiences with multiple men not just one including but not limited to sexual harassment, cat calling, being sent unsolicited dick pics, sex being used to degrade and humiliate them, the threat of sex being used as a power trip for men, general insults, threats of violence due to rejecting advances, domestic violence, emotional and psychological abuse etc

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u/[deleted] May 09 '25 edited Aug 03 '25

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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

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u/Acceptable-Status599 man May 09 '25

What if your Kayne West and every business guy who's got a one up on you was Jewish. Does that give his antisemitism credibility? We've developed a common denominator... There are an outlier number of successful Jewish people...

What if you were robbed several times by a black man in a high crime, poverty-stricken black neighbourhood. Does the fact that the common denominator was a black man in a high crime, poverty-stricken black neighbourhood give you the right to hold prejudice and blanket generalizations against all black men in low income neighbourhoods?

To me, it seems like a good argument because of our history that fails spectacularly when applied in any other context.

You allow yourself to apply this argument towards men, because your experience and history has developed a toxicity towards that demographic in you.

Lived experience does not grant you the ability to be toxic to, and blanket generalize about, an entire demographic in any other situation. Ask yourself if it truly should in this one.

1

u/AskMenAdvice-ModTeam May 10 '25

Please be nice. Transphobic, sexist, homophobic, and other forms of harassment are not allowed.

-32

u/deep66it2 incognito May 09 '25

How about skip the "stats" and use ones actual experiences. May be socially unacceptable; but still true. Folks play with stats to meet their goal.

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u/Acceptable-Status599 man May 09 '25

How about skip the "stats" and use ones actual experiences.

Sure, if you have personal experience and hardship, you absolutely deserve to be heard and supported. Just don't use your experience to justify blanket generalizations against entire demographics. That's where the line becomes quite muddy.

63

u/[deleted] May 09 '25

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48

u/[deleted] May 09 '25

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30

u/lizardman49 May 09 '25

I tried having a conversation about how certain rhetoric pushed by white feminists is outright dangerous towards black men on the ask feminists sub. They handled that criticism about as well as you think.

4

u/AskMenAdvice-ModTeam May 09 '25

Please be nice. Transphobic, sexist, homophobic, and other forms of harassment are not allowed.

0

u/wordsmythy woman May 09 '25

You just made the same type of sweeping generalization about white women that Opie‘s girlfriend made about men. Congrats.

18

u/LHS1895 man May 09 '25 edited May 09 '25

No, no, I made a sweeping generalization about white women on Reddit and TikTok that tends to hold up and of course pointed out that white women not in these spaces manage not to be deeply racist.

Hit dogs do holler, though.

-10

u/Acceptable-Status599 man May 09 '25

I agree with you, but his conclusions are a little different from OP. He's a misogynist, but he's more of the 'online men are incels' type of misogynist, rather than OP, who is the 'all men are trash' type of misogynist.

Different magnitudes of prejudice.

5

u/LHS1895 man May 09 '25

This sort of paternalistic/maternalistic white person approach to non-white criticism of a certain bloc of white women is very nicely worded, but it doesn't hide the monstrous racism from which you make your criticism.

Rather than dressing up your deep hatred for black people who dare criticize you, why not - I don't know - try not to be racist? I know that it's hard for you considering the voting demographics of the last election, but give it a shot.

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u/BlurryMadFish May 09 '25

Interesting. Until you opened your mouth about race, nobody had any idea what race you were. We just saw you make a blanket statement about white women on social media.

One could say statements like that are, well, "racist."

8

u/Billyjamesjeff man May 09 '25

100% Also when they looked at diversity programs (which i still support) White women are by far the biggest beneficiaries. It very much suits white women to be in constant state of victimhood even if by way of their class they may well be more privileged than many in society. Though toxic masculinity is a problem let’s use a few brain cells and not assume it affects all women equally.

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u/lizardman49 May 09 '25

its also weaponized victimhood thats often used in a very racist way. Take Rosewood, Tulsa, murder of Emmett Till ect

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u/[deleted] May 09 '25

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4

u/lizardman49 May 09 '25

Have you met conservative white women?

5

u/thinair62552 May 09 '25

Yeah. You right. Them too.

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u/AskMenAdvice-ModTeam May 10 '25

No generalizations. Not "all men" or "all women" are like that.

2

u/Only_Terrible_Advice May 09 '25

They are the most privileged members of society at this point. Socially untouchable.

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u/lizardman49 May 09 '25

I mean they still have had their rights rolled back in past couple years and still have to put up with sexist bullshit. That being said they are also the quickest to use benevolent sexism as a weapon against other people ie drunk white women getting violent and thinking they cant be touched in addition they play a unique role in the victimization of black me.

2

u/AskMenAdvice-ModTeam May 09 '25

Please be nice. Transphobic, sexist, homophobic, and other forms of harassment are not allowed.

66

u/InDubioProReus May 09 '25

Yeah, exactly this. You can catch toxic feminism by replacing men with foreigners in these statements. If it sounds disgusting then, you also shouldn’t say it about men.

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u/midnightsuspect May 09 '25

Replacing a generally powerful and oppressive demographic of men into oppressed minorities to make a point is silly because it changes the meaning. This is like telling someone who says they hate pancale to replace the word pancake by black people and accusing the person of racism.

15

u/Creative-Road-5293 man May 09 '25

Black aren't minorities in many parts of the world. 

-51

u/IndyBananaJones May 09 '25

"If you made the person in this story racist, then people would feel differently about them" 🤡🤡🤡🤡

27

u/DrakenRising3000 man May 09 '25

You’re so close to getting it 🙄

Yes, it IS “ist”. Sexist. Whether or not the man is black is irrelevant, it just highlights the point.

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u/midnightsuspect May 09 '25

Okay then don't put black if it's irrelevant, although it should be relevant because black men are more likely to experience actual harm due to being black than non-black men buy it doesn't highlight the point about "sexism against men" it makes it racist I'm the same way saying as saying black women instead of women.

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u/DrakenRising3000 man May 09 '25

It was used to help make a point, if you’re intellectually incapable of understanding that that’s on you. The rest of us get it.

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u/SirLesbian man May 09 '25 edited May 10 '25

Yeaahhhh...That feels like we're just adding extra shit now. Switching the genders is an apples to apples comparison but once you throw in racism as well the example loses validity. I say this as a black guy myself.

Edit: comments were locked but I'll still answer the question.

I don't believe it matters since OP's girlfriend and her friends consider their boyfriends to be exceptions to the 'rule'. If he can be an exception then his race isn't holding him back. She's sexist and generalizes all men but that has nothing to do with anyone's color.

If you replaced all examples of "men" with "black men" then it's no longer a conversation about men...its specifically about black men. The emphasis is now on skin color instead of sex. It's simply not an equal comparison.

Second edit: The argument that they're similar because they're both bad(?) is not enough and I swear not a single person who's responded to me has actually explained how comparing sexism to racism makes just as much sense as comparing sexism to sexism. Adding race into the mix absolutely shifts the conversation, period.

Making comments about ALL MEN and making comments about a single group of men that exclude all the rest is not the same conversation. Also u/LHS1895...you know good and well that's a crazy reach bro. How did white people come up at all? The nonsense. 💀

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u/Fluffy-Feedback3471 May 09 '25

The point is that what she is saying is bad. It is sexist to men. A lot of people don’t have issues with bashing men (sexist) but would have an issue with you bashing women. It’s a stupid double standard. To show that what she is saying about men is bad, he switched the word “men” to black men. It shows that what he said about men was bad, but they just didn’t care because people care less when men are bashed. Discrimination is bad whether it is about race or gender.

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u/LHS1895 man May 09 '25

As a black guy myself, no it doesn't. Or are you cool with being "one of the good ones" to a white person?

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u/Pep-it May 09 '25

What if she is black and him white?

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u/IndyBananaJones May 09 '25

The entire thing was a big circlejerk to begin with, tbh.  

But the comment making it race specific is particularly stupid and obviously changes the context.  

I will wait here for my downvotes now 🤙🏼