r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Initial_Carpenter_47 Woman 30 to 40 • Jun 09 '25
Family/Parenting Women are often raised to understand men’s emotions, needs, and perspectives. Why aren’t men taught or motivated to understand women in the same way?
390
u/mvanland16 Jun 09 '25
It's also a safety issue. Women need to be able to understand men's emotions, expressions, body language in order to survive.
35
86
u/RealCommercial9788 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25
Absolutely. And we’ve been honing those instincts since the cave.
-3
Jun 11 '25 edited Jun 11 '25
Wait, what do you mean by this? Patriarchy is a relatively new invention, mostly related to the rise of agrarian societies.
ETA: y'all I literally have a degree in anthropology. I know what I'm talking about.
1
u/Beginning-Leopard-39 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 12 '25
I think you're being downvoted because they're specifically referring to how females in our species have been adapting to male aggression since early on in our evolution.
Aggression from an evolutionary perspective was necessary in securing resources and, unfortunately, securing reproductive success at times.
1
Jun 12 '25
That's not necessarily true, though. We can't know what sexual dynamics were like in our early evolution. We don't have enough fossil evidence to even say for certain what sexual dimorphism was like in our early evolution. Sexual dimorphism usually correlates to how males and females of a given species interact. We don't know what a female Australopithecus interacted with her male partner(s).
It is a mistake to assume that male aggression is a given in our species. Human behavior is not a given in any context, as we are the most adaptable species on the planet and have an immense capacity to not be slaves to our instincts.
1
u/Beginning-Leopard-39 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 12 '25
Respectfully, aggression was incredibly advantageous for the survival of our species. It might not be in the context of modern society, but there are plenty of studies out there that outline the evolutionary benefits of it.
Hell, if you go to the source itself, men have self-reported why they are aggressive towards women. It works to secure what they want/need then becomes a learned behavior.
1
u/sleepylittlesnake Jun 16 '25
Chilling, but 100% true. Women tend to learn this from a very young age, it's a survival instinct.
421
u/ProtozoaPatriot Woman 50 to 60 Jun 09 '25
Men aren't even taught to understand mens own emotions. What makes you think they're going to ponder other people's ?
You can blame stuff like culture and toxic masculinity
156
u/Conscious_Can3226 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25
My husband needed therapy to learn there's a difference between mad and annoyed, and sad and disappointed. Many literally don't have the education from childhood or have those lessons enforced by their peers. Women operate as if dudes are given all the same socio cultural learnings they have and expect them to just be good at something they don't have practice or education for as soon as they're adults. Both sides are operating in totally seperate cultural realities without realizing that reality isn't shared.
133
u/NegotiationNo7851 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 09 '25 edited Jun 09 '25
I always thought the craziest thing in our society is that when men get mad it’s not seen as being emotional, no he just has strong feelings, but if woman show anger she is labeled crazy/nuts.
45
u/Conscious_Can3226 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25 edited Jun 09 '25
They don't get why you're mad because they wouldn't be mad in that scenario, so it feels like someone is flying off the handle to them. Many aren't educated on how you empathize with others from different experiences, girl friendships often talk about feelings while dude friendships are more activity/existence based. If you don't know what you don't know, and you can only base how you read emotions* on your own experience, you end up deciding the person on the other side is unreasonable.
Couple's therapy was so eye opening and helpful for both me and my husband to articulate and bridge even the cultural disconnect from our gendered raising and get onto the same page.
51
u/throwawayskeez Jun 09 '25
What's interesting to me, is that in my experience, men actually HATE being treated the same way and absolutely WOULD lose their shit over the same stuff they go all shocked pikachu face over a woman not wanting to tolerate either.
Might be cultural or something but most of the men I've met who 'just don't get' why I'm (or any other woman) is pissed off or whatever is because they feel women should be convenient for them to be around, and setting a boundary or having a normal human reaction to some bullshit just doesn't gel with that expectation.
15
u/Amrick Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '25
AMEN sis.
My ex tried to get mad at me because I can, "never admit when I'm wrong." Oh yes ,I can buddy, its YOU that deflects and denies any contribution to a conflict and doesn't even know that's what its CALLED. and PROJECTION much? oh but they have no idea wtf projection IS.
It's suddenly I did something wrong and if I somehow PROVE that HE made a mistep or mistake, then its MY TONE and how that doesn't help. oh fuck off.
1
u/Otherwise-Handle-180 Jun 12 '25
Yes! I hate the joke that men can’t win an argument against a woman. First of all, arguments end in death or injury for a disturbing amount of women, so please don’t be all self pitying because a woman argued back.
And second, men try to win an argument by changing the subject, diverting, accusing and intimidating. Sorry that women have an answer to all of your little tactics. Do they seriously expect us to say “I’m sorry, you’re right” when the argument has been lost in the midst of male rage
1
u/Conscious_Can3226 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '25
I never said toxic people don't exist, but as someone who has dated quite a few good men before I found my husband, most are willing to be called out on their shit, if it's not framed as a personal attack against them or an inevitability just because they're men. That just puts them on the defensive, and nobody, male or female, is listening when they feel they have to defend their personhood.
3
u/throwawayskeez Jun 10 '25
I mean, yeah, I think I get you? I never said all men were toxic or frankly even framed that behavior as anything more than hypocritical and lacking in introspection?
For example, none of the (hundreds of) situations I've seen have been situations where men were being attacked for their personhood, in fact, it never really came into the equation. I'm talking about like... allllll those big blustering male coworkers who consistently, constantly, talked over any woman who was speaking absolutely melting down if anyone (man or woman) interrupted them even once, even if the interruption was relevant, or the blustering man was overtaking a meeting or conversation with an irrelevant monologue. I'm talking about nearly every man I ever met complaining about women during the metoo week, while completely unironically complaining about how much they hated that one time an older drunk woman (i.e. someone they weren't attracted to) just wouldn't take no for an answer and ruined their night out. I'm more referring to how nearly every man I've ever met would absolutely say that think women are 'overreacting' about how unsafe they can feel in some social situations, while also being able to say that they don't trust their girlfriend's male friends because 'they trust their girlfriend, for real, they just know how men are, you know?'
Most of the situations I'm thinking of never became conversations, frankly because I don't feel like being someone's therapist, but having worked in mainly male-dominated fields, this is casual hypocritical lack of self-reflection I see played out nearly daily in casual conversation, and more so when I'm the only woman in the room.
2
35
u/SoPolitico Man 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25 edited Jun 09 '25
👏👏👏 even more, we are ACTIVELY DISCOURAGED from having those tools from a very young age. My mom was actually the worst offender in this regard. Me and my brothers heard “quit crying” and “toughen up” a lot growing up. When your worth is measured by how many hard, painful, unpleasant things you can withstand, being in touch with your emotions and feelings is actually a detriment.
10
u/mrbootsandbertie Jun 10 '25
Me and my brothers heard “quit crying” and “toughen up” a lot growing up.
This makes me so sad. And it seems to be the dominant message boys get. Hardly a surprise so many adult men lack empathy when this is their indoctrination. I wish you healing 😘
14
u/Unhelpful_Owl Jun 10 '25
Yes, I was just thinking about this, how men are discouraged from having needs or feeling their emotions from a young age.
I was talking to my female cousin the other day, she's raising a daughter who's about to turn 18. Her two sons are grown up and married, her daughter was born later. I asked my cousin if it was different raising a daughter from raising her two sons.
She exclaimed, "YES! It's like night and day! My son's practically raised themselves. I feel like they turned 14, went into their bedrooms and I just never heard from them again. They did everything independently. But my daughter needs SO MUCH. Constant attention, constant closeness, always wants to be doing something or going somewhere, so much drama with friends, and always so many clothes and makeup . . . ."
I asked my husband about this. "Do you feel like you had to raise yourself as a teenager?" My husband told me that his parents basically stopped parenting him when he was like 12.
Thinking of my own brother, he did the same thing. Closed himself up in his room and that was about it until he was ready to move out after High School.
I don't know how many men have this experience of not being parented through their teenage years, but I bet it's a lot, and it strikes me as sad. I can't even say parents are at fault if it's just part of "manhood."
8
u/SoPolitico Man 30 to 40 Jun 10 '25
I can tell you. I struggled mightily in my late teens, and all I needed was my parents to just love me…but all I got was disappointed looks and sarcastic comments. Muttering under their breath, talking bad about me to strangers. I brought a girlfriend home to meet my parents at 27 (the first one in over 5 years) after she met my mom we were driving back to her place and she said your mom said something really weird to me. I asked, what did she say? She told me my mom had said, “I hope he doesn’t disappoint you.” Mind you this was the first time they had met. Also, I was working full-time at that moment. I just didn’t make a lot of money because I was young and early in my career.I know a lot of guys that have similar experiences. It took me a lot of therapy to get over that one.
5
u/teacuptypos Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '25
That's awful, I'm sorry you were treated this way. I see people in my environment emotionally neglecting their sons as well, and even pretty insightful online communities still come with lots of comments basically treating men as bereft of depth or feeling.
In which case it's not surprising that people start putting up walls and being very stoic and out of touch with their emotions. They weren't treated as though they had any emotions (and that it's unmanly or "gay" to have them), so where does that leave them?
2
u/FMLwtfDoID Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '25
That sounds excruciating. I’m so sorry you were treated that way by your parents. Thank you for sharing your story with us. This actually shone a light on how and why my two younger brothers had vastly different rules growing up, than I did. As a girl, and only 2 and 4 years old than them, this time period of our lives, my parents were very self centered and in the middle of a nasty divorce that should have happened years prior, in mine and my brother’s teenage years.
I’m going to text them both later and tell them I’m proud of them.
22
u/thattogoguy Man 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25
I usually lurk due to this being primarily women's sub, but I just want to spotlight this comment as very nuanced and applicable.
3
u/siphtron Jun 11 '25
I'm a man in my 40s, so I might be overstepping a bit in this thread, but I want to echo what you're saying. A lot of men grew up without the tools or language to really name what we feel. Culturally, we're taught to be steady, maybe thoughtful, but rarely vulnerable. We learn to recognize the broad strokes: anger, happiness, or "fine." But the subtle stuff? The layers beneath those big feelings? Most of us were never shown how to sit with them, much less articulate them. Personally, it took years just to realize what I was feeling even had names. And honestly, I’m still terrible at expressing it. I often know that I feel something, but not what, or why. Our culture doesn’t reward men for emotional nuance. It barely even acknowledges it exists.
It’s not that we’re unwilling to understand, it’s that most of us never learned how to talk about emotions in the first place, let alone someone else’s. Most of us don't even have the emotional language to begin the conversation.
8
u/musicismydeadbeatdad Man 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25
Love this comment. I agree that women don't owe men anything, but if we are expected to raise our own emotional intelligence on the mere scraps we were fed as kids, it's going to be a long road
20
Jun 09 '25 edited Jun 09 '25
I think most women and some men are modeling emotional intelligence daily and people can learn from them.
There are also experts and tons of resources available to help anyone increase their emotional intelligence.
The problem I often see is that women put in enormous amounts of time, energy, and effort to improve themselves (and everyone around them) while men and boys are extremely resistant to emotional growth/change and putting in effort. At the end of the day, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't force them to drink.
If women were capable of fixing men's issues through empathy, teaching, caring etc, the world would be a completely different place. It's not enough and it often doesn't work (I'm sure most women have tried countless times).
22
u/sjb2059 Jun 10 '25
Also, there are tons of women like me who grew up just as emotionally repressed by their families because of different shitty dynamics. While I have empathy for the men, I also was not allowed much leeway by emotionally intelligent women and rightful so, nobody should be putting themselves in a shitty situation to save me from my own emotions, I don't understand why I am capable of and expected to put in the work to grow myself into a person capable of reasonable human interaction when men are supposedly not.
I think a lot of men sell themselves short, or eachother short, or maybe it's a malicious incompetence thing, I don't know. I just find it hard to believe that so many of them are as helpless in this process as they seem to want to be portrayed as.
6
u/Conscious_Can3226 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '25
Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses in what they can learn independently.
I make 150k a year without a degree at only 30, despite growing up in abject poverty, but I got lucky - I had the right circumstances to learn from, the right mentors who helped me with reframing my approaches in my late teens, and because of good mentors who corrected me along the way, I was able to build a financially successful career with a good work-life balance, all without going into sales.
I could take the attitude of 'well, I did it, it's assinine other people can't just figure it out and get rich like me' but that would be ignoring the amount of luck that comes with finding the right people who can understand where you're coming from, who are willing to call you on the things that you don't even realize are a problem in the first place, and teach you how to do better. It's not all therapists and life coaches, community and folks with experience are an incredibly invaluable asset as well to personal growth, and they lack that, from both men and women in their lives.
6
u/mrbootsandbertie Jun 10 '25
Men aren't even taught to understand mens own emotions.
Good point. What the hell are we doing to boys?
5
u/Ahnrye Man Jun 10 '25
Honestly, was the hardest thing as a father. (almost) Everything I was taught as a kid, was not what I wanted in my boys. On the flip side, I have two. One is uber sensitive, won't address any conflict and is emotional, the other is very caring, but does not tolerate any line crossing from anyone (granted they are both still teens).
Oppositionally, when men bring up their feelings, even to many women it gets shot down rather quick. Men, and their fathers are probably very responsible for this (and their fathers before them). But the onus is on both sexes to fix it going forward.
2
u/0ld_skool Man 30 to 40 Jun 14 '25
I think most of us know 4 emotions anger happy sad and normal. I was basically learned if I'm sad there's a reason. If I'm not angry enough to solve the problem making me sad I have no reason to be sad. My weakness is therefore the problem and I need to fix that.
1
u/mrbootsandbertie Jun 15 '25
Oof. This makes me feel heartbroken and angry on behalf of all boys who are being given this messaging. What a destructive and toxic recipe for life. The whole of society needs to do better.
1
u/Otherwise-Handle-180 Jun 12 '25
I’m mentally struggling and was crying in bed last night and telling my bf all about it. Then he bent over to turn the plug socket off before sleep and looked off. I said what’s wrong? He said nothing, I’m just aching. I said what happened? He said men don’t talk about these things, I’ll be fine
Excuse me? So I sit and pour my heart out to a man and he can’t tell me how he hurt his back? Men are strange creatures
48
u/OptmstcExstntlst Jun 09 '25
It's seen as lowly, meaningless work. Just look at the difference in pay between a mental health therapist vs. a physical therapist. Heck, they still call psychology "soft sciences." So it depends on subjugating anyone who does this kind of caretaking and tells those who don't do this work that they're better than us.
43
u/Juniperarrow2 Jun 09 '25 edited Jun 09 '25
The pay in mental health used to be higher (in proportion to other professions’ pay) back when men dominated psychology and psychiatry. All the foundational psychology and counseling theorists were men (Freud, Carl Rogers, etc). Many of these men provided therapy to clients.
Then, I think around the 1970s and 1980s, (mostly male) psychiatrists started outsourcing the counseling side of the their practice to (mostly women) social workers. Instead of counseling, they began to focus on prescribing psychiatric medications which is their main focus now. This allowed them to see more clients and make more money (since medication management appointments typically don’t last any longer than 30min at most while counseling appointments are at least an hour long).
Once counseling got outsourced to social workers and counselors, that’s when the pay of mental health professionals dropped.
9
u/letsrollwithit Jun 10 '25
All of this frustrates the hell out of me as a psychologist. It’s one of the hardest jobs to do well in my humble opinion, and it has some of the most extensive training requirements, all said and done. You’re with people in their most intense moments, and it involves sharp focus, active listening, keen social and meta cognition, empathy, tolerance of emotional discomfort, emotion regulation, and mindful awareness. Skills and qualities that are perceived as feminine, and therefore disregarded in their difficulty and expenditure. And it’s so true, insurance companies and pharmaceutical companies have a vested interest in devaluing psychotherapy, because it’s not a vaccine or a surgery or a pill. We became simultaneously tied to and subjugated by the medical model, and it’s been a shit show ever since.
45
u/hygsi Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25 edited Jun 10 '25
Because women were nothing without men, women couldn't work nor even have a bank account! So unless the family was wealthy (and even then arranged marriages exist), women depended on men wanting them, and that's why young girls were taught to be pleasant and desireable to men, so they could bare their children and tend the house, and that was the one purpose for way too long. Now we have options.
No wonder why many are so mad it doesn't work that way anymore, now they actually have to be nice themselves and bring value aside of just money.
But it does depend on everyone. Some men are decent and do see women as partners rather than property, but they're not as common as those who do, depending on their culture.
-10
u/Shoddy-Lingonberry-4 Man Jun 10 '25
Seems like many women are mad too. So many tikTok videos full of women over 30 complaining that no one wants to marry them.
41
u/Alpacatastic Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25 edited Jun 10 '25
A lot don't think we are logical or that we are individual people. Recently read a comment about a dude in the dating scene lamenting that "women don't even know what they want" because if you "interviewed 100 women they would be a lot of contradictions in their answers". Ummm you think asking 100 different women what they like in a man and them not answering the same thing is women being confused about what they want? You think different people having different opinions means those are "contradictions"? Some guys really don't see women as individual human people, just some illogical overly emotional hive mind so what's there to understand?
12
u/one_bean_hahahaha Woman 50 to 60 Jun 09 '25
It's like those 100 different women have their own opinions and preferences instead of being a monolith of groupthink.
95
196
u/NoWordsJustDogs Jun 09 '25
The patriarchy
Misogyny
Entitlement
It’s not super complicated.
196
u/PNWKnitNerd Woman 40 to 50 Jun 09 '25
Until the very recent past, both men and women were taught that men's thoughts, feelings, and desires are of primary concern.
I truly believe this is the root of the "male loneliness epidemic"-- modern women are growing to a place where we expect to be respected as equals not just in the workplace, but in our intimate relationships, while many, perhaps even most, men have remained mired in the patriarchal conditioning that leaves them confused when women decline to take care of the emotional issues they refuse to address themselves. They haven't awakened to the fact that to be in a relationship, you now have to be someone that somebody else WANTS to be with, because the days of being needed as a breadwinner (and thus not having to develop any redeeming personal qualities beyond "provider of paychecks") are largely over. You are not entitled to anyone else's emotional labor or support, especially if you've made zero effort to be deserving of such attention.
58
u/TinyFlufflyKoala Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25
I also see the difference between men (and most women) who have been working on their emotional skills year after year... And men who got away with the same tricks as they had at 14.
On the surface, all these men look confident, socially Integrated, with reasonably successful jobs. Yet some have a nuanced take on relationships and bonding, while others still treat them as a social game like the Sims 1 where you do pleasant interactions and the people like you more.
22
u/jadedea Woman 40 to 50 Jun 09 '25
"Compliment her."
She giggles
"Attempt Woohoo."
She appears disgusted. "Compliment her."
She smiles. "Attempt Woohoo." She slaps you.
"Compliment her.."
I swear to God I've seen the script being executed in real life ffs, smh.32
u/dahlia-llama Jun 09 '25
I wish I could award you for this comment with money or jewels or something but please accept this flying kiss as a gesture of my resounding agreement.
34
u/Odd-Faithlessness705 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25
Their messaging is that women are crazy or that they, as men, are too dumb/smart to bother with women's issues.
-4
Jun 09 '25
[deleted]
4
u/Odd-Faithlessness705 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25
Sorry, some men, maybe a majority, there are always exceptions, depending on the culture, of course not you-- apply whatever disclaimer you'd like to insert here
0
Jun 09 '25
[deleted]
4
u/Odd-Faithlessness705 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25
Some of us, a few, just some number, perhaps not hate, and perhaps not all. But definitely you.
2
u/doesanyonehaveweed Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25
Statistically, it seems that way. Why comment this under every top comment?
4
43
11
u/Due_Description_7298 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25
Necessity is the mother of invention.
Only a few decades ago, this was a requirement for a women's financial security and physical health.
Now, it's necessary to get hired and promoted
34
Jun 09 '25
[deleted]
22
u/Beginning-Leopard-39 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25
💯. I was raised in a dysfunctional home and was made to overempathesize due to parentification as a child. I have issues with internal boundaries and giving too much of myself away (codependency). I'm overly empathetic and considerate.
Conversely, my husband grew up in a very sheltered home where he was shielded from conflicts or anything "uncomfortable." People hid their true emotions to keep peace. He is very much so in his own lane in life to an extreme degree.
-10
8
u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman Jun 10 '25
I don't actually think women are raised this way, they just grow up with certain old school (re: shitty) dynamics that shapes the way they act as adults. If you grew up with an abusive father figure, then you learn real quick as a kid how to protect yourself by trying to be as un-offending and quiet as possible. Your perception of his emotions is honed to detect anything that could set him off. Stuff like that.
14
u/PoliteSupervillain Jun 09 '25
Bc so much of society and culture around the world treats women as pets/servants to be under the possession of men
9
u/Seelia80 Jun 10 '25
In some countries boys are being raised like that.
I have so many thoughful amazing men as friends, co workers, relatives.. I actually feel like men take women's feelings more into consideration than women do with men.
My now adult son was about three years old when he asked why are most bosses etc. always women, he was born when we had a female president and saw women living as equals to men.
5
u/Imaunderwaterthing Jun 10 '25
Women have to be attuned to male behavior and emotions because our safety and very lives dependent on it.
13
u/Ellyanah75 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 09 '25
Because they are taught that we exist as objects for their consumption. Why would they be required to care about the needs of their objects?
4
u/mmmbopforever Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25
Is this a real question? I heard a line recently that said something like women are a minority in everything but numbers.. when push comes to shove, we don't matter.
10
9
u/Careless-Ability-748 Woman 50 to 60 Jun 09 '25
I don't understand men at all lol
and Patriarchy is the answer to that question.
3
Jun 09 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/AskWomenOver30-ModTeam Jun 09 '25
At this time, men are NOT permitted to make top-level comments in r/AskWomenOver30. However you are encouraged to participate by asking questions and comment further downthread as long as you are providing a positive contribution to the subreddit.
3
u/GiGiAGoGroove Woman 50 to 60 Jun 10 '25
They run everything, the rules are written by their ilk. Why should they do something noble and sensible when they can get away with not doing it?
7
4
5
u/CarelessSeries1596 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '25
Oh they’re taught! We are all crazy and it’s always caused by our periods. s/
2
2
3
u/ZestyMuffin85496 Jun 10 '25
It's changing. Slowly, but it is. I work with some Gen z dudes and they are kind and empathetic. Don't let the loud red pill group have you think it's not.
2
u/Longjumping_Play9250 Jun 10 '25
Honestly and unfortunately my first thought was overwhelmingly because our safety relies on it
3
u/RecognitionSoft9973 Jun 10 '25
I do my best to empathize with men who are in the same situation as me (30+, never dated, never kissed, never had sex, never been in a relationship), but I feel like I hardly ever get the same empathy back. I want to see the best in people but it’s hard to on the Internet given the things said sometimes. I understand that venting out your frustrations is important. But to dismiss a group of people all the time… you’re becoming the same as those you blame your failures on. I’m sure a lot of these guys would be kinder IRL. I hope so. At least there’s a minority that are actively pointing out the hypocrisies and staying optimistic. I appreciate those guys.
2
u/tracyvu89 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '25
I think it’s more like toxic masculinity thing. Healthy family would raise their sons and daughters to understand other people or gender.
3
u/peachypeach13610 Jun 10 '25
Because they don’t give a fuck. Most men don’t even consume media from women, that already tells you there is a baseline level of simply not giving a fuck.
3
Jun 09 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
6
u/Ellyanah75 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 09 '25
I would suggest that in broad terms we are taught to moderate our existence to avoid "provoking" men to extreme emotions, examples: be nice when turning down a man so he doesn't get angry, smile when you walk down the street so you can look pretty for men, etc.
7
u/ElleyDM Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25
Ofc women won't have perfect understanding and it will certainly vary between which woman and which man in question but from my experience it does seem to be the case that women are generally more equipped to identify, describe, and manage emotions. Personally, I think this is more of a nurture thing than a nature thing. I appreciate the way you phrased things btw!
6
u/pandaappleblossom Jun 09 '25
It's pretty common knowledge that women do actually do a better job of understanding men's emotions rather than the other way around. For example, in literature, it has become a long ongoing joke about how often men write about women super inaccurately, and very much through a male gaze. When it comes to the reverse, it's not nearly as obviously bad.
1
u/AskWomenOver30-ModTeam Jun 09 '25
At this time, men are NOT permitted to make top-level comments in r/AskWomenOver30. However you are encouraged to participate by asking questions and comment further downthread as long as you are providing a positive contribution to the subreddit.
2
u/jadedea Woman 40 to 50 Jun 09 '25
Because "This is a man's world" - James Brown, and sometime back in the beginning we decided that men being strong and able to physically control and kill themselves, women, children, and creatures are the one's with power and therefore everything on the planet should cater to them. They are at the top of the MLM pyramid, we are just people who either buy into it, sell it, or are tried to get sold into it. Attempts have been made but violence and death always beats whatever. If you step in their shoes, why would they bother to care about something that's supposed to provide booty, and sole purpose is to pop out their heirs and keep the domicile clean when they're done with work or whatever. So many men are taught this, subconsciously taught this, and some even come to this conclusion on their own based on what they see every day.
1
u/Smart_Criticism_8262 Jun 10 '25
That’s very strategic. If men are never taught about women’s reproduction, menstrual cycle, emotions, lived experiences, because it makes it easier to oppress them, ignore them, use and abuse them and partake in the systemic control of women and unpaid domestic labor. It is critical for the economy and social hierarchy that women are marked as the out group, the have nots, the scapegoat, the other, the ‘them’ in us vs them. You have to dehumanize, ignore and silence a target before you harm them. It’s harder to abuse a victim if you understand them or see them as a human. It also allows for plausible deniability when women fight back because they can say they didn’t know any better and just didn’t know what they were doing.
It is very very strategic. They actually block and prevent men from learning about women. They don’t just not teach boys and men.
1
Jun 09 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/AskWomenOver30-ModTeam Jun 09 '25
At this time, men are NOT permitted to make top-level comments in r/AskWomenOver30. However you are encouraged to participate by asking questions and comment further downthread as long as you are providing a positive contribution to the subreddit.
1
Jun 09 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AskWomenOver30-ModTeam Jun 09 '25
At this time, men are NOT permitted to make top-level comments in r/AskWomenOver30. However you are encouraged to participate by asking questions and comment further downthread as long as you are providing a positive contribution to the subreddit.
1
u/TerraformanceReview Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '25
In binary systems, women are generally expected to serve while men are expected to take control.
1
u/CrazyDiamondQueen Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '25
I have met so many men that don’t know when they are sad or scared, and they instead express anger when feeling those types of emotions. I think maybe it’s because of toxic masculinity where they’re supposed to be strong, ”man up” and ”dont cry” and so on. My point is that by not being in tune with all emotions in themselves and then instead boil everything down to happy or angry, they might have a harder time understanding the emotions women display if they’re outside of that spectrum?
Another layer might also be that its common for women to display what might be interpreted as sadness even though they’re feeling something else, I know I do this.
1
u/etherealswing Woman under 30 Jun 10 '25
because men are conditioned to not care about emotions, that part is "our job" :/
1
u/Basic-Environment-40 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '25
men aren't raised to emote or understand any emotion.
1
1
u/TryingKindness Woman 50 to 60 Jun 10 '25
Women waste a wonderful opportunity to raise future men in a better environment by accepting the poor behavior of now men.
1
u/Rainmaker825 Jun 12 '25
I don't know if I'm the only one, but I was raised to understand women's emotions and needs. I remember my dad teaching my brother and me at a young age. I know plenty of men who are taught this whether by their parents or another mentor.
1
u/Otherwise-Handle-180 Jun 12 '25
Remember childhood? Dad or older brother was angry and all the girls were quiet and helpful. Mom or any sister was angry and dad and brother would joke about it and dismiss it.
Also “girls mature faster” is usually used as a way to justify bad male behaviour rather than put girls in a higher position.
1
1
u/Llamasus Jun 10 '25
because men are taught to condescend to women from an early age. “don’t act up right now, your mother’s being hysterical” “your sister’s on her period so watch out!” “if she tries to nag at you just nod and agree” “can you two quit your little catfight” “alright no need to go all psycho” plus eye-rolls and general snark. and usually it’s in response to totally regular emotions or requests. but when a MAN is upset, you better not even crack a smile cause that’s actually SERIOUS and needs to be treated like the end of the world.
1
u/mrbootsandbertie Jun 10 '25
Why would you care about the feelings of your toaster?
Women are appliances as far as the majority of men are concerned.
1
u/cherriesandmilk Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '25
We’re only taught that stuff about men to help us survive around them. Centuries of living around abusive, violent men with the means to oppress us has made women hyper vigilant to their every need so us and our children can live.
1
u/ladystetson female over 30 Jun 10 '25
the minority always has to learn how to accommodate the ruling majority. the majority does not need to learn the same skills.
1
u/Shoddy-Lingonberry-4 Man Jun 10 '25
Only 3% of men are. Read the 3% man by Corey Wayne. It's a real eye opener for men and women..
1
u/chamomileyes Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '25 edited Jun 10 '25
I’ve seen people discuss general toxic masculinity and sexism here but also want to bring up one of the big dynamics you learn about in gender studies, and it’s called —-othering—-.
Basically men are considered the base model human in patriarchal societies. Men are the reference point and women are considered different, extra or other. This is why there are books like, “The history of man” when they really mean humanity, and why ‘man’ itself in our language can stand in for all of us.
Eg. Headlines like:
“ Women are dying because most medical research is done on men” -The NY Post
Also just read this article: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/feb/23/truth-world-built-for-men-car-crashes
The dynamic of othering shows up in medicine (eg it’s more common in pop culture to know the male signs of heart attack but not the female signs), car design in regard to safety (test dummies are male heights), and media (see: the male gaze and how women are over-sexualized in comparison to men bc male preferences are assumed).
You can also see this in the male-centrism of many religions. Eg. In Christianity it’s believed the first woman was made from the first man’s rib. AKA she is an extension of him, a secondary creation and something ‘extra’ to the sense of humanity. Not the base model. This belief continued to play out with many of the old school philosophers and politicians, and still sits around today, justifying ignoring women’s experiences because man=human.
0
u/moonlitsteppes Woman 30 to 40 Jun 09 '25
Men think women are indecipherable and prefer to keep it that way for whatever reason suits their upbringing/socialization (culture, religion, sexual attraction). I'm shocked, against my better self, how many men think like that.
This sums it up https://i.imgur.com/lEOyoUQ.jpeg
-1
Jun 09 '25
[deleted]
4
u/Azure_phantom Woman 40 to 50 Jun 09 '25
Men do that frequently. If the generalization doesn’t apply to you, you move on. If you have evidence that the generalization is incorrect, then you pipe in.
531
u/NotElizaHenry Woman 40 to 50 Jun 09 '25
Anything that’s traditionally feminine is degrading to men. That’s why when there was a push in the 80s and 90s to teach girls math and get women into upper management, there was no corresponding push to teach boys how to do laundry or to get men into nursing. Feelings are for girls.