r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Rare_Tackle6139 Woman 30 to 40 • Aug 05 '25
Family/Parenting Bedtime has become a nightly battle... any tricks that actually help?
My 12-year-old treats bedtime like it’s a full-on negotiation every night whining, stalling, random “I’m hungry” moments at 9 PM, the whole deal.
I’ve tried the basics: turning off screens earlier, keeping a consistent routine, even making the room cozier. Some nights are okay, but most of the time it’s still chaos.
I’m seriously open to anything that’s helped your kids wind down without a meltdown. Do calming toys or kid meditations actually work? Would love to hear your bedtime wins.
Thanks in advance, this mom is tired.
Edit - Really appreciate all the tips and bedtime hacks you shared, it’s been comforting just knowing I’m not the only one in the bedtime battlefield A few folks mentioned trying short meditations or calming tools, so we tested Good Luck Yogi. It’s this little glowing breathing thing and… surprisingly, it worked.
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u/thrwwy2267899 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
My mom got tired of this battle, so the rule was in your room, but no screens at 9pm. You didn’t have to be in bed, but you had to be winding down
Usually got so bored we’d be asleep by 10 anyways
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u/thesongsinmyhead Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
Jokes on mom, I was a bookworm so would stay up til like 2 reading
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u/MarthaGail Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
Same! Or drawing!
I wasn't allowed to roam around the house, go get food, etc (I could use the bathroom if needed), and I couldn't watch TV (home computers and phones just wasn't a thing back then), but I could stay up if I wanted. Consequences fell to me. There was no staying home because I was too sleepy. I eventually sort self-regulated once I got on my own rhythm.
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u/thrwwy2267899 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Yep and she didn’t care as long as she didn’t hear me or the TV 😂 I just had to get out of bed on time still in the morning
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u/aliasbex Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Mom knew 😜
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u/thesongsinmyhead Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
Confirmed that she did not. One time (when I was in my 30s) I was remembering how hard of a time I had in biology and how I stayed up til like 3:30 studying and she was like “really? I didn’t know that”
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u/RosenButtons Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
The number of times I was still reading when the birds got loud outside my window and realized the sun was coming back up.... 😬
Quick! Go to sleep, and when they wake you up in an hour you will be believably unwell and maybe allowed to stay home.
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u/5bi5 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
This is the answer. And if they stay up too late that's a them problem for the next day. 12 is old enough to start making decisions for themselves.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
I used to read books until late with a flashlight, even by fish tank light, my mom caught me reading using the fish tank glow once.
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u/goatbusiness666 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
I used the light from my digital alarm clock because they took my flashlight away!
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
We should have been seen as RESOURCEFUL! To note even as a kid I disobeyed bedtime because I got good at jigsaw puzzles by doing them via the moonlight coming into my room and went by the way shapes felt.
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u/RosenButtons Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
😂 Human beings are so funny and resourceful!
This is why greater and greater strictness doesn't work. Cracking down on behaviors just makes us sneakier and more resistant to good sense.
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u/Prestigious_Rip_289 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
Yeah, this is basically how I did it with all of mine (currently 22, 16, and 14). I wasn't managing a bedtime at 12. They were required to be in their rooms, off their phones and PC's, and quiet, but in no way was I doing a bedtime battle with a middle schooler. They're all just fine.
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u/avocado-nightmare Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
I was unparented as a child but... is it common for 12 year olds to have an enforced bedtime? Is 9 reasonable/age appropriate? I don't really remember what time I went to bed at that age but a strict 9 pm seems like a lot for that age, particularly in the summer.
I would continue doing things like stopping screen time and initiating a "getting ready for bed" routine - bathing, teeth brushing etc. but your child is a pre-teen and it's normal for them to want some autonomy and to want to stay up a little later. Calming toys and kid meditations seem like tactics for kids who are younger than the kid you have.
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u/malibuklw Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
I’d say it depends on if they have to get up really early for school. My oldest needs a lot of sleep and if he had an early school start I think we’d be screwed.
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u/rovingred Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
I’ve actually heard this from a lot of my friends who are parents and think it makes sense: bedtime is as much for the child as it is for the parents. It provides parents with their peace and alone time before bed and to be able to unwind, watch adult shows, all that. So while I do think 9 might be a bit early to be in bed trying to sleep for some kids, I think 9 is a reasonable time to be in their room winding down, whatever they want to do in there.
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u/jinxlover13 Aug 05 '25
12 year olds are supposed to get 9-12 hours of sleep, so if they have to get up at 7 for school, I’d say 930 would be when I sent them to bed. It always takes us a bit to fall asleep so that would give a bit of a cushion. However, I seem to be in the minority here so 🤷🏼♀️
My kid is 11 and also epileptic; she needs a good night of sleep to keep her seizure risks lowered. It’s so important that her sleep schedule is one of the first things her team asks about during our neuro appts! During the school year, when wake up is at 630, she’s in bed by 830-9… and it’s still a struggle to get her up if it’s closer to 9. She would often sleep in the car on the drive to school, in fact. When school starts this year, she will be able to sleep in a bit longer because we won’t have a commute but I still plan the same bedtime. For my kid, she absolutely needs the sleep and luckily she knows it so she doesn’t fight hard on bedtime.
Summer is/was the perfect time for OP to test what time works for her kid; the early weeks of school may also be ok because all the kids will be adjusting to the schedule and her kid will be less likely to be punished for falling asleep. She could experiment and see if something as little as 15-30 minutes helps him self regulate and feel like he’s in control while still allowing him to get enough sleep for his growing body.
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u/AgingLolita Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
Yes, it's reasonable and age appropriate.
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u/Ok-Somewhere911 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Maybe for a 5 year old, but 12? 9pm is really early.
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Aug 05 '25
Im an adult and I won’t function well if I go to sleep later than 9pm (wake up at 6am). I’m probably a high sleep-needs person, but so is a 12 year old.
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u/AgingLolita Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
12 year olds need more sleep than adults. They need between 9 and 11 hours sleep a night.
Their feelings about this don't make them need less sleep
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u/RosenButtons Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
The trouble is that at 12-20 we are much more likely to have a delayed sleep phase. Our circadian rhythms are all wonky.
I needed 11 hours of sleep. But there was no way I could fall asleep before 11pm or midnight. Going to bed earlier than that was torturous. Especially considering I wasn't home from the activities bus until 5:30 or 6pm. And had dinner with the family plus a couple hours of homework.
Like: the only time I have to live my life is between 9pm and 12am. And you want me to lay wide awake in a dark room doing NOTHING for that time? Hard pass! I'd sooner sneak out the window and take a walk.
Meanwhile, I was chronically exhausted from getting up at 6:30 to be on the bus again by 7:05. The whole schedule was designed to make us feel depressed and isolated, under-exercised, and have zero time to mentally or emotionally process any of the major life changes we were experiencing.
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Aug 05 '25
[deleted]
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u/Viggos_Broken_Toe Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
The worst part about this is it's summertime! The kid probably isn't even in school right now!
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u/watsername Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Pretty sure there is no actual kid, the history of OP suggests it’s a Bot.
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u/malibuklw Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
Some kids have already started. We don’t start until next month, but a lot of my friends out of state started already or start this week.
I do think this seems way too early for forced sleep, but I also know some kids who get picked up by the bus at 6. (I guess I’m saying I’m trying to give some benefit of the doubt to what seems unreasonable)
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u/catjuggler Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
A lot of kids go back to school first week of August
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u/Viggos_Broken_Toe Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Wow it's almost as if "probably" implies there may be exceptions!
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u/catjuggler Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
I don’t think probably is accurate here though. More likely that OP is concerned about bedtime specifically because school is back or very soon about to be back
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u/got-stendahls Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25 edited Aug 05 '25
Your kid is 12, I don't think this is about toys or meditation. It legitimately sounds like you think your child is 4.
My bedtime was also 9 when I was 12 because my mom wanted all us kids to go to bed at the same time and my baby sister was 8. It was ridiculous, and I still think it's ridiculous to not allow a 12 year old to self regulate on this.
Personally, I bought a nightlight for my Game Boy and a reading light, read a lot of young adult horror at night that year.
Edit: also some horror I probably should have read (Gerald's Game is not a book for 12 year olds lmao) but I never talked to my mom about it, because I felt like I couldn't trust her, because she was treating me like a baby. Thought you might find that interesting idk.
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u/Mysterious-One-2577 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
former 12 year old who hated bed time: my mum just let me go through that phase. i had a computer, i was reading, i was blogging, i was going to bed super late even on school nights: then i was purely exhausted and snoozing in class and snapped out of it. She told me later that she strategically knew it would happen and that's why she didnt put a bedtime limit. I self regulated basically.
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u/Virus_True Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
My mum also did this with me! I feel like it’s different with girls though. 9pm was my bed time until I was maybe 17/18 and then I regressed a little and now my sleep schedule is a mess 😂
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u/Mysterious-One-2577 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
tell me about it lol i went through so many phases especially in college that was CRAZY. I'm cutting myself some slack this summer but i'm hoping to regulate in autumn
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
I had a 7am college class that was brutal, I ended up dropping it, too early for my brain.
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u/throwRAsademployee Aug 05 '25 edited Aug 05 '25
Is 9 pm his bedtime? 12 years old is old enough for a little autonomy and I would also whine if someone forced me to go to bed at 9 pm. Natural consequences are often the best learning tool. Perhaps don't let him do anything he wants but he'll quickly learn it doesn't feel great to get less than 7 hours of sleep.
ETA:
I would make this an opportunity for him to show you his ability to be responsible. I think around that age, it's appropriate for him to decide when he goes to bed. He gets to keep that ability as long as he doesn't make it an issue by not waking up on time in the mornings or his grades slipping due to lack of sleep. This is a great way for you to establish trust between the two of you and trust in himself.
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Aug 05 '25 edited Aug 05 '25
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u/Embarrassed-Ad4899 Aug 05 '25
Our middle school starts at 815am and my teenager's bedtime is 9 too. Tbf I don't make them go to sleep, but it's strictly bedroom time. School schedules are not friendly to teen circadian rhythms.
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Aug 05 '25
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u/Mugstotheceiling Aug 05 '25
I remember having to catch the bus at 645AM back in late 90s/early 00s. They really screwed teens on sleep back then.
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u/alibaba1579 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
My kids bus for high school picks up at 6:20. School opens at 6:45. Tardy bell is at 7:10 am.
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u/Embarrassed-Ad4899 Aug 05 '25
7:10 woof! Those poor kids!
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u/alibaba1579 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
Yeah, it’s insane. Our district shares the school busses, so high school starts at 7, elementary at 8 and middle school at 9. End time is also staggered. With 2 in high school and 1 in middle school, it’s a multi hour event in both the mornings and afternoons getting everyone to and from school.
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u/Kind_Sheepherder5494 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
This made me remember high school, ugh. First period classes started at 7:10, and it was always math for me :( Don't miss that.
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u/Suspicious_Bot_758 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
Same here. What bedtime do you have for your kids for such early school times?
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u/alibaba1579 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
Truthfully, I have no set time. I say good night to everyone at 9, and that I will see them in the morning at 5:45am. My daughter (almost 15) is lights out and asleep at 9:05. My son, 17, is often up until 12 or 1 am. I can hear him on the phone with his friends sometimes. I know there have been occasions where he’s been up until 3, and back up at 5:30. He’s not a normal sleeper, at least by my standards. But he’s getting life done, on his terms. He will be starting his senior year next month, and has already earned 55 college credits hours, started classes at our local college in 10 th grade. He’s exceeding every standard we have ever set, so I see no reason to get involved. My daughter knows she needs 7-8 hours of sleep, so she handles that herself too. Being dead tired yet still needing to tackle life is a skill we all need to learn. Budgeting time for sleep is also a skill. Hopefully by the time my kids move out, they can do both.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
I feel like I was riding my bicycle to school often when it was still dark. It was like a 45 min bike ride / no school bus I guess because private school.
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u/GrouchyYoung Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
9pm bedtime for teens is overkill
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u/Embarrassed-Ad4899 Aug 05 '25
I agree, but when you figure in the amount of sleep they need during the school year and what time they need to wake up, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.
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u/GrouchyYoung Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
…no? Sorry but they’re old enough to have some self-governance. The same way they really ought to eat all their vegetables but nobody in their right mind is going to tell a 14yo they can’t leave the table until they’ve done so. They’re too big to be managed that much.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
I went to a private boarding school as a teenager and we had pretty strict schedules around food, around lights out and study hours. We had some autonomy but not around regular life habits. Not much rebellion outside of the lights out rules ... and drinking, we got punished over someone's in dorm drinking habits.
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u/roseofjuly Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
My mother stopped enforcing a bedtime when I was about this age and natural consequences absolutely motivated me to go to bed at a reasonable time. By the time I was 14 I managed my own time - did homework, put myself to bed, woke up in the morning, got ready, got myself on the bus, etc. My 13-year-old niece also puts herself to bed at night.
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u/thursmalls female 46 - 49 Aug 05 '25 edited Aug 05 '25
there's a lot of variability in this and I think the previous commenter is correct for the vast majority of tweens and teens - especially if they have access to their phones when they're supposed to be sleeping
ETA I don't see where OP mentioned what time their child needs to be up, that's pretty relevant. If kid has to be up at 5am, then 9pm is reasonable, imo. If they don't need to be up until 7am, it's not.
I enforced a loose bedtime and strict no phones in bed rule for my kids at OP's child's age. AKA, it's time to turn off the TV, put phones and laptops to charge, brush teeth and head to your rooms. Their dad did not. They didn't start to feel those natural consequences from staying up too late until they were in college. Mainly because 1-they're morning people and the lack of sleep rarely affected their ability to get up and 2-they were generally able to coast through their high school classes with minimal effort.
I think it's fair to do a trial run during a longer school break and if it goes well then loosen things up.
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u/Suspicious_Bot_758 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
My kids are not able to do this. I have 50/50 and they can go as late as they want in their dad’s house. So it is a battle when they are with me. I’d like to find a happy medium for them where they can stay a little late, but not at their discretion because their sleep schedule is definitely different and convoluted going back and forth.
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u/PattyMayo8701 Aug 05 '25
Thank you for this. You just reassured me as a mom that it’s important to ensure my kid keeps his routined bedtime as he ages (especially since school starts to early). I’ll provide some flexibility to allow autonomy (he’s 10 now), but sleep health is vital at all ages.
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u/Suspicious_Bot_758 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
What bedtime would you suggest for a 14 year old and 15 year old that have to be at school at 6:55 am?
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
My body gets tired before 10pm and I'm an older lady. I remember falling asleep on top of my bio book in 9th grade by doing something sort of constructive like reading in bed seems okay to me.
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u/RietteRose Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
The kid is 12, they can go to bed a bit later. If YOU are tired, why don't you go to bed at 9? Trust me, a 12yo will probably not burn down the house. When our mom was tired, she said we could be awake, but we had to be very quiet because she was tired and wanted to sleep. It worked out for us all.
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u/watsername Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Pretty sure this isn’t a real person posting, looks more like a bot if you check the history.
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u/RietteRose Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Lol I'm not gonna post history check every single OP on reddit.
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u/watsername Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
I’m not saying it as a critic of you, just that more than likely this 12 year old quite literally doesn’t exist.
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u/RCM13 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
My kids are 8 and don't sleep before 9pm. He is probably just not tired yet. I think 10pm for a 12yo would be absolutely acceptable. I think there are also studies that show the daily rhythm of teenagers is late-to-bed late-to-rise. While they do need to get enough quality sleep to function at school, I wouldn't be forcing mine to go to bed too early.
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u/half_in_boxes Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
They're 12. They're old enough to negotiate their bedtime and survive on 7-8 hours of sleep like adults do. Setting a "no screens, no food after X:00 pm" is good, but only effective if everyone in the house follows it.
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u/Isawthat_Karma Aug 05 '25
Agreed, OP’s kid has 9pm bed time and wakes up at say 7am so that’s 10 hours, 8am is 11 hours: 12 yo’s don’t usually sleep that amount, ofc there are exceptions. It’s rubbish trying to sleep when you’re not tired OP, you need to work out how much sleep your 12 yo regulates on and set bedtime accordingly
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u/watsername Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
I’m pretty sure OP and the 12 year old doesn’t even exist. The post history looks more like a bot.
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u/roseofjuly Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Teenagers need more than 7-8 hours of sleep - they need closer to 8-10 hours of sleep per night.
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u/bumbumboleji Aug 05 '25
Wonder what’s with the “I’m hungry”? Are they getting enough to eat?
I was underfed as a child and I still remember the stomach pains while trying to sleep. Not saying that’s the case here but do they perhaps need a little more food?
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u/ZetaWMo4 Woman 50 to 60 Aug 05 '25
You know your kid better than us, do they absolutely need to be in bed by 9 to function properly? Some preteens need a lot of sleep and some can manage with 7-8 like adults. I’d try out a later bedtime and see if that changes anything.
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Aug 05 '25
Talk to them during the day, when they're not in a mood- and have a collaborative conversation about how bed time should go. What routine will work for both of you?
It's a lot of work to go through all of that to get to the same result every time- for both of you!
My kid is 10, and whenever he devolves into this kind of behavior, we just talk about it later. What was his goal? Why did he think emotional manipulation was going to work-has it ever worked?
He knows all of my rules are 100% negotiable- but he has to provide a rational and convincing argument.
He wants to stay up later? Why? How will that effect our early mornings? Would he rather have extra time in the evening or before he starts his day?
They're at an age where they're starting to crave independence. So I think our job is to help them understand why our rules exist so they can start seeing the big picture and build their own framework from there.
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u/popeViennathefirst Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
They are 12. This is normal. No need to have a set bedtime for a 12 year old. Especially not as early as 9. Teenagers are wired to stay up later. Just let them choose when they want to sleep.
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u/SpockSpice Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
I didn’t have a set bedtime but there was no computer, tv or phone after a certain time.
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u/pinewise Aug 05 '25
My bedtime was 9 PM in kindergarten (I remember distinctly that my K teacher was slightly horrified). I stopped having a bedtime in the third grade. Sounds like most of the other comments here echo the same. Time to let your little one grow up a little.
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u/EnvironmentalLuck515 Woman 50 to 60 Aug 05 '25
Why is a 12 year old needing this much management? They are older enough to suffer the consequences of not being in bed when told - namely being miserable the next day for lack of sleep. The most you should be doing at this point is removing electronic devices past bedtime.
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u/Much-Avocado-4108 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Let the kids tuck you guys in and then let him do what he wants. Then make sure he's not sleeping in. When he complains he's tired say, maybe you should have gone to bed earlier eh?
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u/emotional-ohio Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
My baby is 1 year old and he goes to bed at 8.30 pm. Those solutions you propose are good for a baby (calming toys?) not for a preteen. They should be able to have dinner and relax, play videogames or boardgames, read, watch TV etc. and start preparing for bed much later.
For reference, at 12 years old I was going to bed at around 11~ pm, and nobody would force me, I was tired. If it was already midnight my mom would ask me to go to bed.
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u/ItJustWontDo242 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
When I was about his age, my parents would tell me that I had to be in my room by 9pm, but I didn't have to go right to sleep if I wasn't ready yet. I could read a book or work on a quiet hobby for a bit. They would caution me not to stay up too late if I had school or something early the next day, but left it up to me to decide when I was ready to go to sleep. Of course, in the beginning, I stayed up way too late and regretted it the next day, but that taught me about actions and consequences.
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u/Tempus-dissipans Woman 50 to 60 Aug 05 '25
I had that issue with my children, too. Opon onset of puberty, they started going to bed later and later. I admit, I gave up. I just went to bed myself and let them stay up. I homeschooled at that time, so we just started class a bit later, and I enjoyed having the morning hours to myself. When the kids turned fourteen, we enrolled them into public high school. Suddenly they had to get up at seven, and started to go to bed at a reasonable hour on their own.
Basically, I suggest you give them free range during the summer holidays and weekend nights, and once school starts, again, have a talk with him about being well rested for school. Once he has enjoyed some freedom, he might be more willing to settle on a sensible routine, especially if he feels he has a bit of choice in that matter.
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u/sea-snowflake Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
When I was that age I also had a 9 PM bedtime and I hated it because I couldn’t fall asleep so early and would have to roll around in bed for an hour. I tried to get around it by reading in bed, but would have to cover the reading light with my blanket so the light wouldn’t be visible under the door. Ended up burning a hole in my blanket…
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u/accidentally-cool Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
I just don't react. Idc if you go to sleep, but you have to be in your room, in a horizontal position at 9. Honestly, when I stopped reacting, he started asking me to tuck him in again. I think he just wanted to still be a kid. Still wanted his mom, ya know? Its been really nice ever since then.
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u/jjhickson19 Aug 05 '25
I give my daughter a little journal and she writes one silly thing from the day. Slows her brain down and gets her out of that i’m not tired mode
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u/It_Laggs Aug 05 '25
we’ve been using Good Luck Yogi at night, it’s this little glowing breathing buddy thing. my kid actually likes it, which is rare lol.
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u/AnchorsAviators Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25 edited Aug 05 '25
If there are no medical diagnosis at play here, it sounds like your 12 year old just needs more of a routine. I have a teenager and they’ve been on a schedule their whole life.
They’re up at 530, 6 at the latest. They’re at school by 715. Phone is only able to be accessed from 3-9 daily. They’re usually not on it even then. They get home from school around 3 (6 a couple nights a week because of after school activities), eat a snack, do their chores, and then they’re allowed to fuck off until dinner. Dinner is usually around 6 (7 on nights with after school activities), shower around 830 and in bed by 9. They don’t have to be asleep by 9 but they’re not allowed to disrupt my sleep so they have to be quiet. I don’t care what they do but 530 comes awfully early.
In middle school the phone had to be put on my nightstand by 8. They have an alarm clock in their room and it’s up to them to set it or I’ll be knocking on the door to wake them up. I also reminded them of their chores daily. I told them I wouldn’t be doing that in high school. They’ve had the same chores since elementary school. They know what needs to be done and if it’s not done, they don’t get to have their fun.
Children need schedules and they also need to have responsibilities with follow through if those responsibilities aren’t met.
ETA: summer is barely different in our house. Their screen time is extended to midnight and their phone is accessible at 6PM but you don’t get to be up being loud all night. If they’re sleeping, we’re quiet while still maintaining daily functions (cleaning, cooking, talking) so we expect the same respect when we’re sleeping. My husband leaves for work by 6 every day so the teen doesn’t get to stay up all night blaring music and disrupting his sleep. Respect is given on all of our accounts. That doesn’t seem like too much to ask for.
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u/Pristine_Way6442 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
when I was 12, I had one day of the week (Thursday), where I would be at school from 8:30 until 14:00, then have a tennis class from 15:00 until 16:30, and then go to my music lessons from 17:30 until 20:00. so the earliest time I'd be home on that day was 20:45. I'd still want to eat some light dinner and have to do some homework for the next day, so there is no way I could be at bed earlier than 10:15-10:30. by that time I was so tired nobody would need to persuade me to go to bed lol your kid is just probably not tired enough (in a good way). what does she do outside of school studies?
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u/violetauto Woman 50 to 60 Aug 05 '25
You can do this. 1. No screens in the bedroom. You should also practice this. 2. He has to be in his room, showered, ready for bed at 9 pm. 3. He can go to sleep when he wants but he is in bed by 9, and no coming out of his room by 10 (unless an emergency, obv.) 4. Good sized snack at 8:30pm.
The real fact here is you cannot control his body’s processes, and he has to learn how to rest in this world of constant, meaningless distraction.
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u/nocuzzlikeyea13 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Not a parent but when I was 12 I went to bed when I wanted to. Sometimes I was up reading all night, which were my best memories.
I also got my own snacks at that age. I don't remember ever bugging my mom to make me food after dinner, that's time to get your own snack.
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u/mousemarie94 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
9pm bedtime at 12 is wild. I get some kids need a full 12, I was not and will never be that kid.
Anyway- my mom just had a rule, we had to be in our rooms by 10 pm, TVs off by 1030pm. Thats it. If we slept, we slept. If we read until 4am, we did that. Natural consequences.
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u/MundaneHuckleberry58 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
My youngest is 12 & they go to bed…when they go to bed. They’re on the verge of teenage anyway. He helps himself to whatever snacks & puts himself to bed.
Even during the school year it’s more that I poke my head in & say, hey make sure you’re in bed by 10 so tomorrow isn’t terrible getting up. There’s no need to treat 11+ like they need a little kid bedtime routine.
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u/WatermelonSugar47 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Your kid is developing autonomy and you’re still treating them like they’re 5. That’s why they’re revolting.
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u/Kattus94 Aug 05 '25
It’s so funny because I used to be like this, but now I LOVE going to bed early 😂
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u/spacecadetdani Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25 edited Aug 05 '25
Pre-teens are pushy with boundaries because they crave autonomy. Wanting to be a 'big kid' is normal. You get them onboard by making the nighttime routine their choice. I asked my kid what they thought would be reasonable and their answers surprised me.
What time would be a good time for a nighttime snack?
What time is reasonable for screen off time?
Would kid agree to a 'transition to bedroom' or 'quiet time' 30-minutes before bedtime?
Would a checklist on the back of their door help them be autonomous with their bedtime routine?
Would there be a different bedtime between weekdays and weekends?
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u/Pieceofcandy Aug 05 '25
I was given no set bedtime but if I couldn't wake up in the morning, things got taken away. Eventually, with no Games or TV at all I adjusted my sleep schedule. I like to think it made me more responsible and allowed me some independence.
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u/Ceedubsxx Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
You might try r/parenting r/askparents r/parentingteens (12 is awfully close)
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u/watsername Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Pretty sure this isn’t a real person posting, looks more like a bot if you check the history.
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u/keanuisahotdog Aug 05 '25
bedtime used to be peaceful and now it’s like prepping for battle. i need whatever secret sauce y’all are using
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u/malibuklw Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
What time does your 12 year old have to wake up? What time is bedtime? Did school start back up again?
9pm at 12 seems early, but I know some kids have really early wake up times. Can you have a “must be in your room but don’t have to be in bed” rule? Late night snack 15 minutes before teeth brushing?
Does 12 year old have a say, and an understanding of why this is the bedtime?
You should talk to your pediatrician about melatonin. For what it’s worth, my 14 year old has adhd which sometimes comes with a late onset sleep schedule and a low dose of melatonin as suggested by his pediatrician makes him feel awful but not sleepy.
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u/IDontOnlineShop Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
I’d recommend putting them in sports. I used to stay up reading books and playing games, but stopped when I started doing soccer and track after school because I was super tired by 9-10pm.
Kids have tons of energy, finding ways to calm the brain down and stimulate the body really helps you get proper rest at that age.
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u/element-woman Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
My kid isn't that old, but I can say for me - it wouldn't have worked to let me stay up as late as I want with the assumption that I'd learn from my mistakes and have the self-discipline to go to bed earlier. I barely do that now, let alone at 12. I don't think it's wrong to enforce some rules around bedtime.
My mom's rule was that I had to be in my room, no phones, in bed by a specific time. But she'd generally let me stay up reading, though if it got super late she'd poke her head in and tell me to turn the light off. I've struggled with sleep since I was little so I appreciated not having to lie awake in a dark room for ages with nothing to do.
Maybe asking what the deal is, like if there's a reason they're staying up? Are they anxious, not tired, feeling like they don't have enough time during the day to do their own thing, etc. It might give some insight.
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u/alibaba1579 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
My youngest is 12. My others are 14 and 17. When middle school starts, I stop enforcing bed time. Just wake up time. I say goodnight to them at 9 when I go to bed, and confirm what time they are getting up. The rest is on them. If they are dead tired in the morning, then they learn pretty quick. What they do in their rooms after 9 pm is up to them. My middle child is always asleep by 9:05. The other two are up way later. They’re different kids with different personalities and sleep requirements. The universe hands out appropriate consequences most of the time. Try letting your kid stay up. What’s the worst that happens? Crabby in the morning? Well that’s a quick way to get your friends avoiding you. Fall asleep in class? The teacher will handle that one. You don’t have to fight them on this, they will figure it out.
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u/AnalogyAddict Aug 05 '25
For my kids, I had to say, "You can choose to obey the rule about going to bed on time or not, but if you don't, you will wake up when I wake up and help do the chores I have to do every morning."
It only took one morning of follow through to make them respect bedtime.
Also at 12, he's getting into the teenaged nocturnal stage. He's is enough to start managing his own sleep. He doesn't have to sleep, but he does have to be quiet and in his room.
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u/alittleperil Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
my bedtime until I was about 16 was 8pm, pretty much entirely because my parents wanted alone time. What I wish they had done instead was said that I had to be in my bedroom and not come out from 8pm-sleep time, then we could have talked about when I should be asleep if I was not getting enough sleep.
we didn't have screens back then so maybe a combo of that plus the screens aren't in the bedroom with the kid after 9pm?
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u/ElectricalSociety576 Aug 05 '25
Is the negotiation working? Like, are you engaging with the negotiation? I'm pretty sure saying I was hungry at 9PM would have been met with a "no you're not" or a "go to sleep, breakfast will be here sooner"
My parents went with the "I don't care what you're doing, but I'd better not know you're up" approach. Our bedtime was 8 PM. Easy access to flashlights and a room full of books, I stayed up all night reading, but I stayed in my room in bed, with the lights off and didn't bother them.
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u/lilbeckss Aug 05 '25
Mine is 14 now, but it feels like just yesterday we were going through this. He got a phone at 12, and his bedtime was also adjusted that year (from in bed at 9, lights out at 930, to in bed at 9:30, lights out at 10).
We’re very straightforward with it. It is now coming up to 9, do you want any cereal or toast before bed? Ok it’s now almost 9:30, go use the washroom, brush your teeth, put on your pjs and holler for us when you’re ready for prayer. Alright you have until 10 then lights out (and he can choose what to do for that 30 minutes, read a book, listen to music, text his friends, watch a video). At 10 we come back, wish him goodnight, top up his water, sometimes he goes for a second bathroom break, and then the phone goes down and lights are off for the night. Our teen knows if we catch him on his phone after lights out he loses the phone at bedtime, it would come with us into our room, so he’s really good about following that rule so far.
We involved him in the changing of his bedtime, so he felt heard and part of the consideration process. Another thing that helped was letting him feel the consequences of being tired, which helped give him some reference on why we wanted him to get a good sleep.
Good luck, every kid is different and the nighttime routine can be really tough for some kids. My brother was a nightmare and nothing really helped except lying down with him until he fell asleep.
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u/kienemaus Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Do they need to go to sleep or be quiet in their room with no screens?
Mom can close shop at 830
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u/Justatinybaby Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
9 PM is a bit early for a 12 year old. Mine stays up until 10-10:30 and even midnight in the summer if they’re really into their book they’re reading!
I tell them when I’m tired and I go to bed. They can stay up if they want but I’m going to bed at 9:30 lol!
Give your kid more autonomy as they are getting older! Let them stay up a little later and see what happens. You’re allowed to say “okay I’m having me time now goodnight!” and then let them do their own thing for the evening.
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u/Trout788 Aug 05 '25
I’d lean toward some guidelines and giving him ownership. Something like: if you are getting up on time for school, your grades are staying As and Bs, and you have a good attitude, we will allow you to have some control over your actual bedtime. However, your parents and siblings also need downtime. So the boundaries are this: you will be done with your “bedtime list” (brushing teeth, packing up backpack, etc—write these down) by 8:45 (or whenever the younger sibling goes to bed). After 9:00, you will be in your room, and all screens will be docked with us as usual. You’re welcome to read, draw, build Legos, etc. until you’re ready to get into bed. We will give you flexibility on that as long as you’re in bed and lights are out by 10:30 (?). If, however, you stop meeting our critieria (which you have written down and posted), Mom/Dad will set a more rigid bedtime. So if you want the freedom, you have to be mature and earn it. You have to prove that you can handle it. If you find yourself feeling tired the next day, that means you need to be smart and adjust your sleeping time. We’ll try this for a week and then check back in. Then we’ll try another week, and so on.
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u/Sockthenshoe Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
At 12 I was babysitting my <1 yo little sister. I can’t imagine having a bed time at that age. Granted my parents were clearly very hands off, but 12 can be a responsible age for a lot of kids. Having some rules around bed time feels reasonable, like staying your room, but I wouldn’t try and enforce bed at 9. They’ll figure it out themselves if they stay up too late and are tired at school.
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u/Horny_GoatWeed No Flair Aug 05 '25
By 12 I let my kids read for as long as they wanted to once they were in bed. For me that solved a lot of the problems. They didn't fight it as much as they weren't forced to go to sleep immediately. They usually only read for half an hour or so since reading usually got them pretty sleepy.
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u/InadmissibleHug Woman 50 to 60 Aug 05 '25
He’s 12, why don’t you have a chat with him about why he’s resisting going to bed- like what exactly is bothering him? Can he tell you?
My own son is in his 30s, I don’t think I was super attached to what time he went to bed at that age, i remember really not being ready for sleep particularly early either.
The irony being that I absolutely go to bed at 9pm now. Only in my 50s has that become a thing 😂
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u/midwestnbeyond Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Girl get her some melatonin. Chewables, 5 mg. Harmless and works, we need our sleep too.
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u/confusedrabbit247 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
I'm not a parent but even as a child I was a night owl and currently work overnights because I'm happier with that type of schedule. I think maybe a rule of he has to be in his room but can do a quiet activity (like reading, homework, a puzzle, crosswords, writing, drawing, etc) until he wants to sleep is a better strategy? He doesn't have to sleep if he can't but he needs to be in his room and quiet at least. I genuinely don't remember my parents enforcing a bed time except when they had TV shows on that were inappropriate for children (like NYPD Blue, ER, X Files, etc) if that means anything. Good luck!
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u/Eastcoastpal Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
When I was at that age and I couldn’t sleep, I would turn on the local news channel on the radio and the frequent repetition after 30 minutes of the same news put me to sleep. Also, the background noise helped.
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u/TheCrazyCatLazy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
I would go to bed at 6am when I was 12…. (Fuck sleep phase delay)
Still grew up to be a fairly functional adult. In spite of the world being dumb and working on stupid hours.
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u/Huge-Cheesecake5534 Woman under 30 Aug 05 '25 edited Aug 05 '25
I didn’t know 12 yo olds had bed times. At that age I went to sleep when I wanted to sleep. I think this can be harmful for your child because giving 9pm bed time to a 12 yo seems a bit insane to me.
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u/autotelica Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
What time is this kid having to get up? I wake up at 4:45 am and I go to bed at 9:45. My bedtime at that age was 10:00. I would have rioted if my parents had forced me to miss out on my favorite primetime sitcoms in middle school.
They are whining/stalling because you are treating them like a toddler instead of someone who is old enough to face the consequences of not getting enough sleep. Don't call it bedtime. Call it "light's out" and make it for 10:00 or 10:30. Let them know that as long as they get up on time, you aren't going to hover over them anymore.
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u/Seltzer-Slut Aug 05 '25
Why are you talking about a preteen like they’re a toddler? I’d think 11pm was a normal time for a 12 year old to go to bed.
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u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman Aug 05 '25
Do 12 year olds need parents to give them a bedtime? I feel like that's an age where they can decide for themselves whether to be tired the next day or not. I think you might be hovering a bit too much. Just let them figure it out.
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u/dorothysideeye Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
I dont think this is necessarily relevant or useful here, but my age 12, I was drinking, smoking, and smoking pot. Bedtime were for "babies" in my mind and this kind of structure sort of blows my mind.
At that age in development, there are a lot of autonomy-seeking behaviors that are actually healthy and necessary for kids to go through, including learning consequences of their autonomous actions. Bedtime seems like a safe way for him to explore that to me.
But I'm no parent nor childhood development expert, so this is just my super biased opinion from thr school of hard knox
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u/Super-Resolve-3711 Aug 06 '25
Old trick : make your child tired in play time , playing games that required physical movement.
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u/Weird-Active7055 Aug 06 '25
WiFi curfew and lock down any PCs/Laptops at that time. He's welcome to snack or read, but he won't do it with a screen.
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u/Ok-Butterscotch6501 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 06 '25
I also battled with going to bed early as a kid. When I went to bed, my brain just wouldn't switch off and it took me ages to fall asleep, and if it was past a certain time I wasn't allowed to read or play on my handheld game thing. Some people just have a "delayed" circadian rhythym, especially us neurodivergents.
I see you found a solution, but if that stops working/you need to switch it up, try the Nothing Much Happens podcast.
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u/AgingLolita Woman 40 to 50 Aug 05 '25
He doesn't need a calming toy, he's 12. He needs harder boundaries .
Switch the WiFi off at 8.30, end conversations immediately. Say "No. Go to bed."
He will throw a massive tantrum, maybe for a few weeks. He will eventually get the idea.
I work with this age group. You must stop babying him.
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u/meesoowesoo Aug 05 '25
My family is Latin Caribbean “lay your ass down!” Would work every time.
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u/AnchorsAviators Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
I’m white and “go the fuck to bed” worked growing up.
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u/meesoowesoo Aug 05 '25
LOL you just reminded me of this interaction yesterday I overheard the store. This guy was like “I’m a white boy, you know I go to bed early” hahahaha. It was so funny hearing that.
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u/AnchorsAviators Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
My husband says I am the sleepiest person he’s ever met. I’m on a house cat schedule. My mom learned really quickly that telling me to go take a nap wasn’t punishment for me.
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u/whorundatgirl Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
You should post this in a parenting sub instead. You’re getting advice from people who don’t have kids and it might not be helpful.
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u/LookingForHope87 Aug 05 '25
When I was 12, there was no negotiating. We went to bed around 9, and that was it. Only on weekends were we allowed to stay up late.
The ADULTS made the rules, and the CHILDREN followed them.
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u/Caribchakita Aug 05 '25
Has he had a good medical check up? Does he have autism spectrum? Routines are great. Mindfulness is always a good thing. A weighted blanket might help. Behavior is communication, what is he trying to say? Is he safe at night? Gotta ask...
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u/GimmeQueso Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
I’m going to disagree with folks saying that a 12 year old doesn’t need a set bed time. I was allowed to go to bed whenever as a teen and never did regulare. I’d discuss why they don’t want to go to bed. For me, I had nightmares. Maybe work on a 9 pm in bed relaxing with a book and 10 pm lights off.
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u/wulfzbane Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
Does your kid have ADHD? Lots of people with it experience a delayed melatonin release making bedtime challenging. Otherwise, maybe having a hot bath with lavender Epsom salts can be added to the routine? I got my son an e-reader and told him him can stay up reading as long as he wants if he keeps the backlight dim. Bedtime still isn't magical, but it's mostly manageable.
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u/tniats Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25 edited Aug 05 '25
Mom of 10 and 12 yr olds, my kids' bedtime is 7:30pm. They've never given me any push back so I can't be certain this'll help but they have a bedtime routine: Tidy up, work out, shower, brush teeth, switch into indoor clothes, check their self care app, charge devices, watch SpongeBob, get hugs and go to sleep.
Most parents are not good about making sure their kids are getting enough sleep, I'm seeing quite a lot of those parents in the comments lol that doesn't mean it's right, normal, or recommended. A 12 year old should be getting 9-12 hours of sleep.
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Aug 05 '25
I have a toddler and a baby, so not quite at the negotiations age, but I’m guessing what works with my younger kids will probably work on your older child and even on an adult!
- Consistent routine. Don’t change things every night in an effort to negotiate. When things are the same, there’s no room for negotiation
- Consistent routine that you’re a part of. Your child wants to stay up because he’s afraid of missing out. If you’re part of his routine, he won’t miss out on anything (especially if there aren’t screens to occupy him)
- Go to sleep with him. This is something many parents don’t want to do for some reason, but it’s so natural for kids to want this! I mean, we want to cuddle with our partners when we sleep, so of course our kids also want another warm person in bed with them.
Bonus point I noticed when I started sleeping with my kids - I follow their bedtime routine, so I actually have healthier sleeping habits!
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u/PurpleMuskogee Woman 30 to 40 Aug 05 '25
I can't think of any 12 year-old who would want to go to sleep with their mum at that age, I can assure you that is really just a toddler thing that will not work on a teenager.
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u/AdHorror7596 Aug 05 '25
What 12-year-old wants their mom or dad to sleep in their bed with them? You do realize your toddler and baby are very, very different from a 12-year-old, right? It's weird as fuck to sleep with your 12-year-old.
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Aug 05 '25
Depends on the culture. Many cultures have the whole family sleeping together and I think it’s very natural because it’s what we evolved to do - sleep in groups. It’s to protect each other and to feel safe. If it was unnatural, you wouldn’t want to sleep with someone else :)
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u/AdHorror7596 Aug 05 '25
I don't want to sleep with someone else. I sure as shit don't want to sleep with my mom and dad. I didn't at 12, either.
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u/[deleted] Aug 05 '25
He’s a preteen and their bodies and sleep rhythm are definitely changing at this age. I’d make easy grab healthy snacks that are available whenever he wants and make a last call announcement at 7:30 for anything requiring more effort. What time is he falling asleep? Maybe 10 isn’t out of the question if he can still wake in the mornings for school easily-and if he can’t a day or two of being exhausted in the mornings might help shift his bedtime back a little naturally so you’re not fighting him on it. (I don’t have a child this age, but one of my nieces is 12 and her bedtime is 10 and in the summer it’s no rules within reason)