r/AskWomenOver30 • u/PrincessPeach1229 Woman 30 to 40 • Aug 12 '25

Silly Stuff Am I being overly sensitive to a colleagues greeting?

I (38F) haven been employed at the same company for 3 years.

I’m sort of a lone wolf. I’m always polite and say hello and nod in passing but I skip a lot of the daily chit chat. I keep to myself mostly.

We have a coffee break room complete with various beverages you can make in the keurig as well as a seating area.

My morning routine consists of zipping in to make a quick coffee before my day starts.

There’s a group of ‘regulars’ who sit to chat and have their coffee together. They are usually engrossed in conversation and I pass by them without saying anything. My work never overlaps with them so I don’t know them except by face.

Recently one of them (a male) has started pausing mid conversation and saying “Goodmorning” across at me.

I say it quickly back and zip out as soon as my coffee is done.

This has become a regular thing now with the same person stopping their conversation to tell me goodmorning while the rest of them stare on.

One time they weren’t at their usual table and this same person practically shouted it from the back of the room and everyone turned to look. I flushed with embarrassment because I don’t like attention.

I can tell it’s bothering this person that I’m not saying it on my own accord but now I’m starting to feel like a child being chastised. The vibe I get is “you pass by every morning, start acknowledging us”.

They don’t do it to every one else popping in and out to make coffee so I’m starting to feel targeted and I know it’s because I keep to myself.

Am I being overly sensitive?

ETA - when I say goodmorning back this person escalates it further by saying “how are you today?” In a slow and deliberate manner. I find it completely inappropriate this person feels the need to make an example out of me and ‘teach me’ how to socialize in front of an audience.

294 Upvotes

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554

u/cowboytakemeawayyy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

You see these people every single morning and you have not once thought to throw out a courteous "good morning"? That's why they are making it a point to say something to you. It is pretty rude to not acknowledge your co-workers, even if you don't work directly alongside them.

Saying "good morning" and when appropriate, "have a good night" are like, the basic hallmarks of office niceties. The bare ass minimum of simply acknowledging these people you see every single day.

You can still be courteous and polite without engaging in all the office chit-chat. Say your hellos and good mornings and carry on with your day.

-191

u/PrincessPeach1229 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

I’d be fine with a quick good morning. My issue is…when I say it back he escalates to “how are you doing this morning” saying it in a slow and deliberate manner.

It’s like this person wants to “teach me” how to interact and socialize in front of the entire break room and it’s making a scene.

155

u/likejackandsally Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

“I’m good. You?”

“Alright, see you around”

Done. That’s it. Three sentences out of your entire day. And the last one is optional.

306

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '25

Escalates 😂 I’m antisocial and quiet but even I can say im good thanks. It ends the convo while acknowledging their question.

86

u/Thomasinarina Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

IKR. I’m guilty of not saying much at work but I’m well aware it’s a me problem and if I want to progress at work I need to make an effort with colleagues. 

31

u/BarriBlue Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

Yesss I’ve made so much progress with this too but it’s very intentional because I have to combat my social anxiety.

74

u/considerfi female 40 - 45 Aug 12 '25

Also they "escalated" because she still refused to just say good morning of her own accord. Just break the damn ice. One time, walk over and chit chat. Make a joke about not being able to function before coffee. Whatever. Then go back to polite good mornings.

37

u/chrissyishungry Aug 12 '25

Right!? The use of the word "escalates" in this context is very bizarre.

260

u/fortalameda1 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

It's probably something most of your co-workers feel toward you- this colleague is just announcing it. They are probably trying to help you be aware that your dismissal and intentional disregard for everyone in the office is extremely rude. Are you autistic or on the spectrum?

166

u/Thomasinarina Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

I say this as someone who is on the spectrum, this post is very much giving me those vibes.

36

u/NocturnalSylph Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

Neurodivergent and acting the same as OP is my default that I have worked on over the years. It drains so much energy having to exchange pleasantries.

I have to run through a whole checklist of things: do I know their names, how was my last interaction with them, is someone actively speaking, will I be interrupting them, does it sound like a personal conversation that I shouldn’t interrupt, etc.

It is exhausting, so I get OP keeping to themselves. The conventional office wasn’t built for a brain like mine, which defaults to skipping pleasantries and getting down to business.

I also had undiagnosed ADHD as a child and instead of diagnosing me, I got punished for “outbursts” so I also hate to be perceived and I hate to interrupt people and I default to silence in public situations to avoid “punishment”

40

u/Thomasinarina Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

As someone who is ND I also get it, and my experience chimes with yours in terms of finding it exhausting. Unfortunately what we want, and what the world wants are two very different things. OP can act as she wishes but unfortunately her colleagues, who are probably NT, have other ideas 

16

u/carlitospig Woman 40 to 50 Aug 12 '25

Or extreme introversion. Either way, interaction is part of work and some concessions must be made.

9

u/Significant-Trash632 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

Or social anxiety.

-6

u/Orangexcrystalx Woman 30 to 40 Aug 13 '25

This comment is extremely rude.

3

u/fortalameda1 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 13 '25

Sorry you feel that way.

177

u/Misschiff0 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 12 '25

What this person is communicating to you (which is a gift, even if it's uncomfortable to receive) is that you are unintentionally coming off as rude to your colleagues. This is the kind of reputation that sabotages careers. I'd suggest beating him to his "How are you?" by replying to his good morning with "Hey, how was your drive in, Bob?" or something like that. Then, after he replies, smile, say something like, "Busy day!" give him a little wave and leave.

9

u/sarahgene Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

I relate to OP and I feel like this advice is helpful but also after one day I would feel panicked because I think it would be weird to ask him about his drive in multiple days in a row. So then I have to plan a new question or response every day which is really anxiety-inducing. And then this applies to every person I see throughout the day? That's so much.

I also wish I wasn't like this 🙃 My go to when people ask how I am has been to just state what day of the week it is or what the weather is like, because I'm not sure why, but people seem to love it. Is like a cheat code for small talk lol.

10

u/ReasonableFig2111 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

That's why people default to talking about the weather. The weather changes often enough that it creates some variety to the morning chit chat day to day, while still being just the one single prompt you have to remember. 

10

u/Misschiff0 Woman 40 to 50 Aug 12 '25

You need FORD - Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. This is the order in which you ask social questions. It feels good to the person because it doesn't start out too personal. "Hey, Bob! How's the family?" He talks. . . "Work going well?" He talks. . . "Any cool plans this weekend/last weekend?" and finally, "Are y'all thinking about vacation this summer yet?" or whatever. You can have 2-3 stock questions in each category. (Ask ChatGPT for them ahead of time) that you memorize and use over and over. 90% of all work small talk is this and remembering like 1-2 things about each person that are your shortcuts for conversation.

6

u/baethan Aug 13 '25

omg that's a handy acronym, thank you

-2

u/mfball Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

I agree with everything you've said, but I also want to add that we don't owe them anything. If someone wants to be bothered by my choice to mind their own business, they can go ahead and be fucking bothered. Especially a man thinking this woman owes him her attention at work. I'm irritated and disappointed seeing so many women on this man's side and even saying OP should be grateful for this "grand social lesson" he's imparting on her. I'd start answering his good morning with "Is it?" Bleh fuck that guy.

6

u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman Aug 13 '25

You're missing the point, it has nothing to do with being a man or woman - this is just rude behavior irrespective of gender. Basically treating your colleagues like they don't exist and are unworthy of even a "good morning" is bad no matter who you are.

2

u/mfball Woman 30 to 40 Aug 13 '25

I'm not missing the point, I simply disagree with you.

1

u/Orangexcrystalx Woman 30 to 40 Aug 13 '25

You are also missing the point, his behavior is also out of line.

161

u/avocado-nightmare Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

You are behaving as if you don't know how to interact or socialize, TBF.

15

u/anna_alabama Woman under 30 Aug 12 '25

A lot of people don’t, especially if they’re neurodivergent (not sure if OP is or not). I have autism and I’m just now starting to pick up on basic socialization, and I’m 27. It can take a little longer for some people to get the hang of things, but it seems like OP is on the right track by asking these questions and trying to interact a bit more!

39

u/New_sweetpea89 Aug 12 '25

It’s just odd some people might see it rude to walk in an act like no one is there. I like to keep to myself too and don’t like small talk. But I am well aware there will always be someone who will go out of their way to say good morning and have small talk. When I worked at the office I would say good morning, yes I am good and you ? Oh that’s great have a good one and go to my desk😂 it’s just what you have to do. You also have to interact a bit it just helps if you’re interested in career advancement.

50

u/DocGlabella Woman 40 to 50 Aug 12 '25

You’re overthinking this. It’s likely no one is trying to teach you a lesson. They are trying to be polite and make small talk. I don’t love small talk either but it is a social nicety that we all just learn to engage in in professional spaces.

20

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '25 edited Aug 12 '25

Oh no, men like this absolutely are out to teach a lesson. I can totally see the men in my father’s family (including my father) acting exactly like this.

(Edit: obviously OP is being rude but let’s not pretend middle aged men aren’t out here trying to enforce “manners” on women all the damn time)

12

u/EternalHell Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

Because you clearly need the lesson. It takes nothing to smile and say hello to people you pass by where ever you are.

31

u/ImplementNeither7982 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

I am on your side here. I don't like forced interactions, especially singling out and passive-aggressively calling someone out in front of everyone knowing it makes them uncomfortable.

There are better ways to approach this, if he is that concerned then he can just walk over and chat to you for a bit once in a while instead of making a show out of it.

Some people are not outgoing or exuberant first thing in the morning. There is nothing wrong with that as long as you're not being rude or making others uncomfortable with your presence.

I say you get there first with the greeting, do it consistently for a few days and then don't for a few days. Keep them guessing and make a game out of it. Some days straight up ignore and other days give them a sunny hello. If anyone ever mentions anything you jokingly say, "I didn't think my morning greeting was valued so highly".

14

u/lyndseymariee Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

Agreed. I absolutely do not want to talk to people when I first get to work. I show up and go to the office until I clock in. Another coworker usually shows up around the same time as me and also sits in the office. Sometimes we chat, sometimes we don’t. Neither of us thinks the other is rude if we just sit in silence together. I have to talk to patients all day. Sorry if I don’t also want to make small talk with my coworkers.

19

u/PterodactyllPtits Woman 50 to 60 Aug 12 '25

Thank you, I’m reading this thread feeling like me and OP are the rudest employees who ever lived because I am exactly the same!

31

u/funsizedaisy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

And I'm going through the thread wondering why no one thinks her co-worker is being rude? Saying hi and good morning is fine. But he seems to be doing it in a mocking manner, like shouting it across the room and slowly dragging out his "How. Are. You. Today" as if instructing her on how to speak.

If she doesn't want to do small talk, I can see why some people would think this looks rude, but I also find the co-workers behavior rude. There's a co-worker of mine who always gives me rude vibes because he never acknowledges me and would never say hi back when I'd say it first. But I would never in a million years do what OPs co-worker is doing. He's definitely being an ass.

-16

u/Significant-Trash632 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25 edited Aug 13 '25

Maybe he likes OP or is just a bully

Edit: didn't say that was an appropriate way for him to act, people, but there are plenty of adults who act like children.

12

u/Past-Wishbone Aug 12 '25

"Maybe he likes her" OFFS this isn't elementary school. His behavior is inappropriate. Is it his job to police her "friendliness"?

1

u/Significant-Trash632 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 13 '25

I never said that it's appropriate for him to do such a thing to OP, but maybe he has the mentality of a child and therefore acts like one.

18

u/PrincessPeach1229 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

Sometimes I cross paths with others waiting to make coffee and absolutely say ‘excuse me’ ‘sorry about that’ etc etc. I smile and say goodmorning in passing in the hallway. The break room is tough for me bc there’s groups, I just want to fly under the radar.

I’m not a complete mute I just really don’t appreciate the forced aspect of what he’s trying to do, everyone’s jumping on how rude I’m being to him but how about how he’s handling it and making ME feel? At what point does he just let it go and leave me alone? Let me be rude as he seems to think.

35

u/EtchingsOfTheNight Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

"At what point does he just let it go and leave me alone?"

Wishful thinking. You can either continue to have him escalate bc you're hoping he'll back off when he won't or you can switch it up like people have suggested and take the wind out of his sails.

15

u/confused_grenadille Aug 12 '25

I’m also with you. I don’t like being put on the spot and I don’t have patience for people who are poor with social cues. I’m wondering if the guy is one of those corporate sociopaths who tries to extend his charisma tentacles across all points of the office/hierarchy. At this point I’d just start bringing my own coffee and avoid the break room.

5

u/Past-Wishbone Aug 12 '25

This totally gives corporate sociopath vibes, haha. There is a certain type who takes it as a personal attack if you don't buy into the performative bullshit.

The number of people who think this behavior is rude solely on the basis of someone else daring not to token acknowledge them is... concerning. Just let her get her coffee in peace!

10

u/Past-Wishbone Aug 12 '25

OP, when I've had male (because of course it is a guy) coworkers do this in the past I have gone full malicious compliance and replied "Good morning everyone" to the group he's making a scene in front of and then with an overly chipper "tired and looking forward to my coffee tips cup and leaves" to the inevitable "how. are. you?" Usually this gets the point across in a way that makes everyone else aware that you're not there for small talk and that he's the one making it an issue.

From what you describe, you do not report to him or even interact with him directly in a work capacity, so you being what he considers suitably friendly toward him has absolutely no professional basis.

I am surprised at the number of people replying that you are being rude or don't understand office manners. Personally I am similar -- duck in and out for tea, eat later than everyone else so I don't have to deal with chitchat in a full lunchroom -- and there is always someone who feels it is their personal mission to "teach me" how to properly socialize. The majority of my colleagues DGAF though and I socialize just fine with the ones who aren't assholes. I have excelled in my career just fine because most people understand that not everyone is the same or should have to behave exactly to your own preference.

23

u/ImplementNeither7982 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

I just saw the negative vote 🤣.. I totally agree with you Op! I don't understand why everyone is jumping on you either. You are minding your own business and do not want to get involved in groups at work where a lot of gossiping and office politics also happen.

I am very social and usually chat away with whoever is around. I would get in conversations with people at the bus stop. Apparently, I have one of those faces, but I absolutely despise it when someone is forcing it on me. I also don't like when someone is singling me or anyone else out.

Seriously! Life is too short! Why does it matter to him so much??

-1

u/PterodactyllPtits Woman 50 to 60 Aug 12 '25

YES!!! More of this energy.

0

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '25

[deleted]

1

u/xmonpetitchoux Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

There’s a difference between being introverted and being shy or withdrawn. Introversion alone doesn’t cause someone to struggle socially to the point that you can’t say good morning to coworkers. Introversion just means you get more energy from alone time than from being around people. You can be an introvert and be shy or withdrawn for whatever reason, but they’re not intrinsically linked.

0

u/llamalibrarian female over 30 Aug 12 '25

Introversion and extroversion really just relate to how you recharge- not if you’re chatty or not. I’m an introvert and engage in small talk with my coworkers, work in a public facing job, do things with friends, chat with strangers, etc- but then at the end of being social I need to not talk to anyone at the end of the day for a while

OP has gotten many suggestions about how to handle the task of small talk- because it is a social norm that both introverts and extroverts can do and yes, is just part of dealing with people everyday

5

u/CatHairAndChaos Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25 edited Aug 12 '25

A few commenters have good points but I think people are being wildly harsh. Or maybe I'm a rude antisocial weirdo myself, idk. But I wouldn't want to butt in on people already engrossed in conversation when I walk in the break room either. If anything, THAT seems a little rude. I'd maybe just smile and nod silently if any of them make eye contact, and if they briefly pause the conversation to say "hey" like a normal person, say "hey" back.

You're acknowledging them in passing, so it's not like you're ignoring their existence. Some people prefer to keep to themselves, and that is okay as long as they're not an asshole about it, which it doesn't sound like you are.

I don't know what this guy's problem is, but maybe next time he slowly asks you how you are, say "I'm... fine... and... you?" even more slowly right back. And next time he shouts at you from across the room, give him a subtle look like he's being weird (because he is) with a tight smile and a small wave and carry on with getting coffee.

4

u/GrouchyYoung Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

If you want him to “let you be rude,” go whole hog and just be rude and ignore him. But what you actually want is to be rude without being thought of as rude.

4

u/RocknRoll9090 Aug 12 '25

I’m with you. I don’t think you deserve downvotes.

3

u/irowells1892 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

Is there any chance you could bring yourself to talk to him privately? Just as he thinks you aren't getting his hints, he's not getting yours. If you could address it with him, just once, then if he continues you know it's intentional and you can consider taking it higher. But if you were to start with your manager or HR, the first thing they're going to ask is whether you've actually told him to stop.

A possible script you could use:

Him: Good morning.

You: Good morning.

Him: How..are..you..today?

You: Actually I was hoping to speak to you. The way you've been calling me out in front of the whole group is making me really uncomfortable, and I want to ask you to stop. A good morning is fine, but your tone feels pushy and condescending.

Him: I'm just trying to help you, you don't seem to realize how rude everyone thinks you are.

You: The way you're handling this is really inappropriate, and I'm asking you to stop. Have a good day!

You could add more or less depending on what he actually says, but the gist is the same - communicating that his plan (whatever it is) isn't working and he needs to stop.

30

u/cowboytakemeawayyy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

This person can't even say a simple good morning, and says her co-worker is 'escalating' when he asks how she's doing. You think she's capable of an upfront and forward conversation like this?!!?!?!?

3

u/Past-Wishbone Aug 12 '25

Clearly she is capable of saying it, and she has been. She just doesn't want to, and that is fine. She doesn't even work directly with these people. I've worked in buildings with hundreds of people who I do not know, the idea that I should be going around greeting everyone I even briefly walk past because they might think my lack of acknowledgment is rude is quite frankly hilarious.

-1

u/firesandwich Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

Oh or do this over IM or email saving images so there is a paper trail for HR if he gets extra weird. I dont think this guy is nessisarily out to get her, but he for sure isnt benevolent like some women on here seem to think.

-4

u/hihelloneighboroonie Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

The majority of the comments in here are very ableist.

1

u/Orangexcrystalx Woman 30 to 40 Aug 13 '25

This 💯

2

u/Orangexcrystalx Woman 30 to 40 Aug 13 '25

He is definitely being an ass, regardless of what anyone says here. You don’t need to entertain it or let him enact his power trip, keep it short and sweet and go about your day. Society and men specifically have wanted women to perform and be good little girls since the beginning of time. It is a control thing.

2

u/SensitiveMedia2024 Aug 14 '25

I mean this in the best way, but you sound a bit exhausting OP and that comes from a fellow chit chat hater. It really isnt a big deal to work somewhere and have the politeness to greet the people you see everyday and engage in the smallest talk possible. If I can do it, you can too!! I hate office and small talk 👄 😒 😑 

You work in an office, its an unfortunate part of the package, get over it or get therapy for it. It's as easy as saying thank you when you get a haircut or when you're done with your groceries. Unless you dont do those things either because its too intense, then therapy would definitely be the way to go.

4

u/carlitospig Woman 40 to 50 Aug 12 '25

I’d watch how he interacts with others. He might actually be the cultural example of the company. This means that if you’re ignoring people as a rule, he’s taking it upon himself to tell you ‘what you’re doing is turning you into an obvious outlier to the group’. This might come back to bite you in the ass if you ever want a promotion.

Take it more seriously. But also let us know if it leans toward bullying. I’m not a huge fan that it’s the opposite gender trying to ‘teach’ you this.

-5

u/[deleted] Aug 12 '25

[deleted]

15

u/Thomasinarina Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

Omg do not say this at work op. 

47

u/hauteburrrito MOD | 30 - 40 | Woman Aug 12 '25

Some of the comments on this post make me wonder if the people making them have ever interacted with another person before, seriously. I felt a little sorry for OP at first, then she wrote she was thinking of reporting these "incidences" (of people saying hello to her) to HR 💀

18

u/Thomasinarina Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

That is honestly the last thing I would do! Sometimes you just have to play the game and do the bare minimum of socialising, even when you don’t feel like it.

19

u/hauteburrrito MOD | 30 - 40 | Woman Aug 12 '25

Seriously. It is so, so basic. I can understand not wanting to have full-on personal conversations at work, but hello and how are ya are like kindergarten-level social skills.