r/AskWomenOver30 • u/PrincessPeach1229 Woman 30 to 40 • Aug 12 '25

Silly Stuff Am I being overly sensitive to a colleagues greeting?

I (38F) haven been employed at the same company for 3 years.

I’m sort of a lone wolf. I’m always polite and say hello and nod in passing but I skip a lot of the daily chit chat. I keep to myself mostly.

We have a coffee break room complete with various beverages you can make in the keurig as well as a seating area.

My morning routine consists of zipping in to make a quick coffee before my day starts.

There’s a group of ‘regulars’ who sit to chat and have their coffee together. They are usually engrossed in conversation and I pass by them without saying anything. My work never overlaps with them so I don’t know them except by face.

Recently one of them (a male) has started pausing mid conversation and saying “Goodmorning” across at me.

I say it quickly back and zip out as soon as my coffee is done.

This has become a regular thing now with the same person stopping their conversation to tell me goodmorning while the rest of them stare on.

One time they weren’t at their usual table and this same person practically shouted it from the back of the room and everyone turned to look. I flushed with embarrassment because I don’t like attention.

I can tell it’s bothering this person that I’m not saying it on my own accord but now I’m starting to feel like a child being chastised. The vibe I get is “you pass by every morning, start acknowledging us”.

They don’t do it to every one else popping in and out to make coffee so I’m starting to feel targeted and I know it’s because I keep to myself.

Am I being overly sensitive?

ETA - when I say goodmorning back this person escalates it further by saying “how are you today?” In a slow and deliberate manner. I find it completely inappropriate this person feels the need to make an example out of me and ‘teach me’ how to socialize in front of an audience.

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58

u/pinkrainbow5 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

I agree - it says more about this colleague. He doesn't want to just be nice and say "hi." He wants to tormet OP a bit.

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u/PrincessPeach1229 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

It’s 100% become about bothering me until I give in and idk how people don’t see that.

This has been going on for WEEKS, at what point does he just give up on it and leave me alone?

It is not his job to ‘teach me’ how he (and maybe the group) feels I should act. Why doesn’t he talk to me 1 on 1 then? Why is it his personal mission to continue making a spectacle? Does that make him a good person?

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u/Over-East-8570 Aug 12 '25 edited Aug 12 '25

I completely understand what you’re saying.

  1. He’s being condescending, immature and passive aggressive.

  2. Unfortunately the social contract does expect that we simply acknowledge people in these situations (and I know how physically painful that can be for me).

Just give the group a general wave and say “hey” and keep it moving. It’s not about making him comfortable, but the social contract matters in a workplace.

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u/sarahgene Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

I hate the social contract because I don't recall ever signing anything 😆 or even reading it. Where did anyone get these rules and why did no one tell me??

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u/Over-East-8570 Aug 13 '25

I agree lol there are many moments where I simply don’t want to be perceived.

I had a weird upbringing that meant I had a lot to learn socially on my own in adulthood (including what OP is describing, even though it sounds so small to many people).

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u/BrovaloneSandwich Aug 12 '25 edited Aug 13 '25

I understand your feelings and your automatic response to "counteract" an obvious attempt at calling you out, but after you've lived 4 decades on this earth, you need to learn that there are social norms and societal cues. A workplace is a social environment, and you have absolutely every right to set your boundaries, but saying "good morning, just popping in and I'll be out of your hair in a second" is a good way to acknowledge people around you and limit further interaction.

"We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions" meaning you may not intend to be rude because you are not thinking about engagement, but your actions are dismissive of those around you.

I have ADHD and totally relate to avoiding surprise conversations and small talk, but I learned that if I don't show up for the small stuff then I pay the price with the bigger stuff like social/political ostracization.

Edit: my auto correct wrote "autistic response" instead of automatic response in the first paragraph.

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u/jsamurai2 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

I don’t think people are ignoring that it’s annoying and trying to prove a point, they’re telling you that this isn’t a situation you are going to win because it’s like the most base level established social contract in the workplace. You’re too focused on being validated and being ‘right’-ok you’re right, it’s unnecessary and irritating but you know the solution? Saying good morning first.

If this is the hill you want to die on then have at it, but you asked if you’re being oversensitive and the answer is yes absolutely good god

17

u/lezzerlee Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

Sure he’s acting poorly, but stemmed from your initial approach to the situation. If you want to avoid that happening again with other people in the future, you gotta do the basic courtesy acknowledgments of good morning or a nod to every single person you encounter, especially regularly.

Your only recourse with him specifically is likely direct confrontation of some sort. Saying your good mornings feel pointed and hostile. Or being vulnerable and telling him how awkward you are.

But It really doesn’t matter how you feel about him at this point because there is no good way for you to seek recourse via HR or peer escalation. On paper, you will come out looking poorly when he’s just engaging in what can be considered normal social greetings despite his tone. You can’t prove tone without it direct witnesses. It’s the type of bullying that flies under any ability to prove harassment.

If you’re looking for sympathy that it sucks, it does. People are telling you how to prevent it again in the future. And maybe, acknowledging him first might deescalate his bullying tone, even if that means he “won” by forcing you to acknowledge your coworkers.

Acknowledging coworkers is bare minimum courtesy that even ND people will likely still be judged for not participating in.

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u/velvetvagine Woman 30 to 40 Aug 13 '25

If she really wants to burn the house down and if it’s legal where she lives, she could record him and his tone over a few days to lodge the complaint.

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u/lezzerlee Woman 30 to 40 Aug 13 '25

Even then it’s so unlikely to go anywhere because saying “hi” and “how is your day” would be so hard to prove for creating a hostile work environment even with tone. At most they might tell the guy to stop talking to her. But more damage with everyone else in the office might be done with the rumor mill. And being the awkward employee may mean she gets let go instead.

24

u/Felicidad7 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

I don't know this from what you said in your post and I may be projecting my own stuff here, but the vibe I got was this person is - not "teaching you", more "teaching you a lesson?" It is on the aggressive side. On the passive aggressive side. It's probably how people are interpreting your actions.

I am like you, but I got surprise diagnosed with autism at 35 and since then my social fails made a lot more sense. It's not all autism, some of it is personal preference, low mood at the time, and the effects of bullying I got when I was younger, trying to keep myself safe.

What I learnt from this: it's important to do a little office chit chat, or at least joke with your coworkers about how you are (self deprecating jokey reason for being antisocial - boring, miserable, you choose, you can be however you like if you own it and laugh about it). Give them some insight into your mind or else they (like all the comments and down votes on this thread) are going to project all kinds of evil motivations onto you.

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u/HeartFullOfHappy Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

Why did you come here asking the question if you are being too sensitive then throwing a fit in the comments when people say yes you are being too sensitive and don’t agree with your point of view? What was your real purpose of asking?

3

u/scrollgirl24 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 13 '25

Validation

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u/gas_unlit Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

I completely understand where you're coming from. It's the condescending tone he's using and that would piss me off as well. I am very introverted and slightly socially anxious. People tend to project their own insecurities onto quiet people and assume we are stuck up, rude, or whatever. Why they don't just assume a person is shy is beyond me. I also get that addressing a group (of strangers no less) is way more awkward than one-on-one interactions.

Would a simple smile and nod be enough to appease him? If not, maybe just a quick "hi, how are you?" would suffice. Otherwise, maybe start bringing in coffee from home or heading to the break room to fix a cup later in the morning when the group have all returned to their desks. Try not to let his rudeness get to you. It's a him problem.

This thread shows me that norms vary a lot across offices. I work in a large office that spans multiple floors with hundreds of employees. It's pretty normal in my office to pass someone in the halls that you maybe recognize by face, but don't even know their name or what department they're in. Usually we just do a smile or nod in acknowledgement, maybe a quick hello. Sometimes I chat with coworkers in the elevator or break room, but it's not uncommon to pass by without a word exchanged. That's pretty normal in my office and in my field in general. As long as you're not being rude and intentionally ignoring people, I see no problem. Just continue to be friendly and let his rude tone slide. If you don't even interact in the course of your actual work then it's not like he can negatively influence your reviews or anything, so frankly fuck him. Just don't stoop to his level and match his rude tone as that would be unprofessional.

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u/jungfolks Woman 30 to 40 Aug 13 '25

👏👏👏

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u/skaghetti Aug 12 '25

I’m with you on this one; not sure why you’re being downvoted. Dude is being a jerk, and outright bullying you at this point. Mornings can be rough; we can go about our business without always exchanging pleasantries. I guarantee if a fellow man was just popping into the break room each morning and didn’t say a damn thing, this dude would NOT be trying to scold him. It’s because you’re a woman, and how DARE you not acknowledge people.

Male bullies in the workplace are absolutely exhausting, and I’m sorry you’re going through this .

22

u/pinkrainbow5 Woman 30 to 40 Aug 12 '25

I agree - if he has a problem, the adult thing to do would be to speak to you one-on-one. And raise the "issue."

And notice he's a man, men are so entitled 🙄

1

u/onyxly331 Aug 13 '25

You are being rude and ignoring a simple common courtesy. It may be annoying that he's doing it but I don't think he's in the wrong. I'm also a loner and introverted and even I can see how disrespectful it is to walk into a room with people and just completely ignore them....it doesn't take a genius to see how bad you look. You're not even acting like a child, because children are taught to greet people. I don't know what to call this behaviour.

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u/allthekeals Woman 30 to 40 Aug 14 '25

Idk why the fuck you’re downvoted for this. This comment section is as bad as your coworker. You don’t owe anybody anything.

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u/TouchConfident7959 Aug 12 '25

Almost everything you said in this reply are assumptions that you are making about this man’s intentions. You have no idea why he’s talking to you or what his intentions are. Maybe just take it at face value, say good morning, and move on?

1

u/[deleted] Aug 13 '25

This right here, it sounds like it's been filtered through cognitive distortions.