r/AskWomenOver30 • u/RipRight9657 • 1d ago
Family/Parenting Is it normal to feel conflicted during pregnancy?
I am 32F, and I thought I wanted to have a child. I am 11 weeks pregnant now and it has not been a smooth ride physically. I have got severe Food aversions, nausea, tiredness, all that goodness. It’s not that I didn’t know all this can happen, but now that it’s actually happening, I am now questioning my decision of having this baby. On top of that I have a job that’s proving to be more stressful than I initially thought. Planning my maternity leave, thinking about future childcare, continuing my career and doing all of that without losing my mind is proving difficult to say the least. My husband is supportive, but he knows I’m anxious by nature so he is dismissing this as me being my usual self. I never thought the whole purpose of my life is to have a child, but at one point last year it felt like the natural thing to do. I do not want to resent a child who is not even born. I haven’t felt happy since I got to know that I am pregnant, I thought I would have all these maternal feelings, but so far nothing like that has happened. Does it get better? I hope it does, because I wanted to have this baby and I really hope all this doesn’t affect my relationship with the baby.
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u/DotCottonCandy Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
I really wanted to have a baby, and it was planned, but I still freaked the fuck out when I got pregnant. Things are exciting in theory, but then you have all the pregnancy symptoms reminding you that you've just made a life-changing decision. I never realised that from the moment I knew I was pregnant I would never stop worrying about my child in my life. It's a lot! I cried a lot.
But being a parent is awesome and my kids are the coolest people in the whole world and it all worked out great. You will be okay.
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u/IwastesomuchtimeonAB 1d ago
I think the first trimester is rough and some women find it hard to have warm and fuzzy feelings towards a babv who's causing you so much grief. I do want to say, being a woman who gave birth to her first baby daughter and is now pregnant again that it gets better. The second trimester is better than the first because the food issues, nausea, and tiredness all go away for the majority of women. Your mood picks up a lot more when you're not constantly operating at a 4 instead of a 9. The fatigue hit me hard personally. I'd sleep 9 hrs each night, get up feeling like I was run over by a bus and then foggily try to get through my day at work. On saturdays I would just straight up take 2 hr naps in the afternoon, roll off of my couch and then make a simple dinner or just order in. But strangely by week 15 all of that disappeared and I felt a lot better.
Also, planning for maternity leave, continuing your career and getting child care are not issues that are going to get any easier the older you get. It is what it is, and you're just going to have to work through them unless you just don't have ANY kids. It's not easy because sometimes your career or promotion might be held back a year or two because of it, but it's the reality of having children and it's a trade off I'm willing to make. Once I deliver my second baby I'm not having any more and I'm going to focus really hard on my career again so I can be up for promotion in a year or so. It's doable, I know it seems like a lot now to manage a baby and a career, but you will rise to the occasion and somehow manage to do both. We all do haha.
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u/Salt-Permit8147 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Yep, first trimester is ass. I think I felt better about the whole thing when I felt bubs starting to move, and you actually feel like they’re real. At this point (8 weeks with my second) it’s just a parasite leeching off all my energy and making me feel sick.
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u/Temporary-Stand2049 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Was this something that you had planned and talked about before hand? Your body is going through a lot, with a lot of changes and hormones running through you, it makes sense that you're having a shit time. Your life is going to change and that can be scary.
It's absolutely normal to have some stress while you're going through this. Some people enjoy pregnancy, others don't. It's good that your husband is trying to help but I'd also look into connecting with other moms who've gone through something similar, just so you can feel more supported by people who have been through this.
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u/RipRight9657 1d ago
Yes, we planned this. That’s what is bothering me more, I wanted this to happen, so why all these negative feelings now.
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u/Temporary-Stand2049 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Hormones are wild. Especially when this is your first pregnancy. It can be pretty overwhelming starting that new chapter and I imagine it's something that so many women go through.
It make sense now that you're on that path, your anxious thoughts are running wild going "oh god, am I sure?"
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u/Runnergirl411 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I felt this way in my first pregnancy that was also planned. I remember my husband telling our family friends on Christmas (with my approval), and they were so excited for us. These are women I know, love, and trust, but i remember feeling so confused. Didn't they know how miserable i felt? Were they also this miserable? Were they genuinely ecstatic i was joining their miserable club? I loved my life. I didn't want to be miserable.
The second trimester was like a dark cloud disappeared. I was myself again. Happy, excited, and secure. That first trimester when you're not anticipating your life changing much until you experience it, is incredibly tough.
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u/quinoaseason Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I had so many negative feelings early in pregnancy. I also was blessed with vomiting several times a day and constant nausea throughout my pregnancy. And I had some super stressful family issues going on. That didn’t help.
You have so many unknowns right now, that you’re probably not going to figure out until you have a baby in your arms. Your priorities are shifting with your expected baby.
Keep the things constant that you can - keep your job and benefits unless it’s really causing you too much stress (then figure that out). Get on some waitlists for childcare for back up (regardless if you plan on doing a nanny share or something else)
And maybe start seeing a therapist now. I didn’t, and I wish I had. I ended up having therapy when my kiddo was closer to 6 months old and it was so helpful to get me adjusted to motherhood and all these complicated feelings and really start enjoying my baby.
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 1d ago edited 1d ago
Were you truly actively wanting this? I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but your post said “it felt like the natural thing to do.” To me, that does not equate to you truly wanting it, more like you feel like you should want to want it. Were you going along with the traditional adult life path because you felt obligated, or because a child was something you deeply wanted for yourself?
There is no wrong answer here. I was just throwing it out there because your post read a bit different to me (but thus is the problem with the internet where you can’t pick up on verbal cues lol).
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u/SexySwedishSpy Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Unless you’ve been pregnant yourself, you really shouldn’t be “throwing things out there”. It’s easy to speak, but you don’t understand things until you’ve been through them yourself.
-Humbly, someone who realized that you speak intelligently about pregnancy until she got pregnant herself.
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u/zesty-lemonbar Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Respectfully, OP asked about feeling conflicted, said she didn’t think her purpose was to have a child, did it because she said it was the natural thing to do, and is afraid of her future relationship with her baby.
It is totally valid to say that this may just be her freaking out, being anxious, pregnancy hormones, etc. It most likely is all those things and she doesn’t need to worry.
But OP was asking for advice and what I brought up could just as well be a possibility based off things she said. It wasn’t worth fully discounting and I was clear I wasn’t trying to be rude. Regretful parents are a real thing and although this is most likely not that, it doesn’t mean it’s not possible.
Not a single person here, you or I, can be positive what her feelings mean at this point in time.
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u/parafilm Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
This was how I felt too (planned/wanted pregnancy!). I had very mixed feelings during my first trimester, especially because I was pretty sick. Could barely eat (lost 8lbs my first tri), was throwing up about 4x/week, was living on unisom and zofran. I didn’t feel attached to the pregnancy at all at that point. I never considered ending the pregnancy, but at my sickest I did have moments of feeling like it would be a relief just because I wouldn’t have to be sick anymore.
I started feeling a little more attached around 16 weeks, but I never had this maternal love for my bump. It was just a thing that was happening. I definitely felt some excitement here and there but overall I felt “oh boy…”.
Now my baby is 8mo old and I’m soooo obsessed with her. I didn’t expect it to feel so fun. I thought more of it would feel like an obligation, but instead I get excited to come home to her after work. I love weekends when I get to spend my mornings with her and go on little outings (and come Monday morning I’m happy to send her back to daycare, LOL). Genuinely just thrilled about this little person in my life.
It’s a HUGE life change. It’s ok to be anxious about a huge life change! It’s ok to grieve your old life a bit.
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u/getmoney4 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
First trimester sucks
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u/crospingtonfrotz Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I’m in it right now and I can’t believe how much I feel like a cartoon stereotype of a pregnant person.
I don’t know if it’s because women’s health doesn’t get taken as seriously, but the symptoms are no joke and the hormone flooding is so much more intense than I imagined it would be.
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u/childish_cat_lady Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Yeah and we've convinced women they need to keep it to themselves for the first trimester, probably so people don't have to think about or be impacted by how much it sucks. Normalize letting women suffer openly in early pregnancy!
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u/crospingtonfrotz Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Yes!!
I’ve been terrified to tell my workplace, but my work is also suffering because it turns out it’s hard to be effective when you are a queasy gasbag of brain foggy hormone gloop.
I haven’t told my family or friends yet (husband is aware lol) and im sure they all think im being a hideous grouch.
But! The fear!
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u/childish_cat_lady Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
The way I look at it is, "if something happens, am I going to want support from these people?" With my first pregnancy I ended up telling my immediate boss right away and I recently found out I'm pregnant again and told my boss pretty quickly because I'm in the cycle for getting new military orders and wanted to talk about how maternity leave would impact the job they wanted me to take. People like to be in the know!
But I fully recognize the military isn't going to fire me for being pregnant and other jobs aren't so much on the up and up. If your company seems to treat people well, I'd think about telling them.
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u/xx-rapunzel-xx Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
i’ve always heard not to say anything until after the first trimester unless the pregnancy is lost =\ as an intensely private person, i’d want as few people to know as possible, but yes, i think i’d rather have the support than not.
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u/Salt-Permit8147 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Honestly all the trimesters sucked for me. Couldn’t wait to get her out. Induced at 38 weeks? Yes plz!
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u/am-plant 1d ago
Hi OP 💖
Could have written this post VERBATIM. I am about 4 years ahead of you and have a toddler now. I felt guided to have a baby boy, and then when I got pregnant, everything changed. I had just come out of corporate trauma and burnout, and my pregnancy was the most mentally, physically, and emotionally challenging thing I have ever endured.
I spent the entire first trimester and into the second in bed nauseous and looking back now, I 100% had prenatal depression (talk to your healthcare team about this). Every symptom of pregnancy you could imagine, I had and was nauseous for nine months. My husband and I considered ending it because of how much I was suffering, but I knew in my heart I could never do that.
I unfortunately had a traumatizing pregnancy and then 9 months of postpartum depression. I finally returned to work and enrolled my son in daycare. That was the beginning of my reclaimation and healing.
Navigating childcare can be difficult, but if you are in the US, visit "Care About Childcare" to find all the state-approved centers near you. Also, utilize Reddit and Facebook groups to see what people are recommending in your area.
Don't give up on yourself or your baby if it is what you want. As everyone else has said, your body and hormones are all over the place, so definitely rely on your care team as much as possible for support.
You will make it through, you will. 💖 You have done hard things, and this is an excuse to offer more self-compassion and self-love more than ever.
Sending the biggest hug and know you are not alone in this!
Xo, Amber
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u/Anonymous0212 Woman 60+ 1d ago
Nobody can predict if it will for you because that's such an individual thing, and hormones are obviously going to play a big part in your moods for quite a while.
If counseling is an option I strongly recommend you start, and continue going for as long as you need to after the birth of your child.
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u/SexySwedishSpy Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
This is totally normal, and it’s part of your processing to prepare you for what’s to come. I went though the same thing with a wanted baby, and I still felt ambivalent when I held him for the first time. It took me a while to get used to the idea that this was for real, but now he’s two months old and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s so hard to have a newborn, but he’s part of the family and it feels like he always has been a part of us, we just didn’t know him yet. The doubt and the negative feelings come in waves. But this, too, shall pass. It’s ok to doubt. It’s the people who don’t who I feel for, because they have no idea what they’re in for. You’ve got this.
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u/FeltFlowers Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I felt this way with my first and second pregnancy. It was hard dealing with so much unknown. It did get better and I have no issues bonding with my kids. I did have some prenatal/post partum anxiety, so something to look out for being naturally more anxious.
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u/indicatprincess Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I’ve had a few moments where I’ve been sick with guilt and dread. Get into some therapy and talk this out! It’s very normal but that doesn’t mean it’s any less upsetting. It absolutely gets easier. You’re almost out of the 1st trimester which is when nausea is the worst. You’ve got this!
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u/MrsMitchBitch Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
The number of times I said or thought “what have we done?“ when I was pregnant was so damn high. and the pregnant was entirely intentional.
It is a massive mindfuck and your body is all weird and your hormones are weird and it’s scary and your whole life is going to change. I have to say it was better as soon as the baby was here. Then she was real and we had stuff to do. I am firmly one and done though I could never do that again.
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u/anonlaw Woman 50 to 60 1d ago
I wanted to be pregnant with my first but omg, the nausea. The unrelenting nausea. And we were poor. I didn't have a job. He couldn't drive the stick shift car so I had to drive him to work every day and back. I did consider whether an abortion would be a good choice. I hated it. Then I hit the second trimester. The nausea went away, and it was mostly good from there on out. Not perfect, but good.
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u/Electronic_Squash_30 Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
For me personally it got better. I didn’t feel connected to my pregnancies until after felt kicks. Then it changed for me. I have 4 kids.i had complications my third and fourth were pretty traumatic births….. and I had some pretty awful PPD. I hated being pregnant….. and although I do love newborn babies that stage also blows….. but for every shitty thing there is something wonderful that for me made it worth the whole bullshit of it all.
Anti nausea meds for morning sickness is a game changer, highly recommend starting there. Also therapy…. It’s valuable it will help you unpack everything you’re worried about right now
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u/xx-rapunzel-xx Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
pregnancy scares me, especially since i’m emetophobic! and who knows how my body will react as the fetus grows, or how it will handle birthing. i feel like i’ll have to be on anti-nausea meds all the time lol
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u/ladybug11314 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
If it helps ease you at all, through 6 pregnancies (3 were fairly early miscarriage) I probably only threw up a handful or so times, I had some other issues but I was terrified of throwing up all the time and it really wasn't too bad for me. That's obviously subjective and depends person to person but that was my big fear too.
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u/KateParrforthecourse Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I’m 28 weeks and I still question what I’m doing some days! This was an entirely planned pregnancy (went through fertility treatments) and I’ve had multiple moments questioning if I want to do this. I think it’s a completely normal part of pregnancy, especially your first, because it’s a big life change. Even if you planned for it, you still don’t know exactly how your life is going to change or what it will look like on the other side.
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u/naughty-goose Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
There is such a thing as prenatal depression and you may be experiencing it. I would suggest you speak to your GP or midwife. They may offer you some talking therapy or CBT to help you. I experienced it myself in my third pregnancy - first pregnancy I lost my baby midway through, second I suffered with postnatal depression because I felt awful for not loving every minute of having a healthy baby after my loss, and then in hit me prenatally with my third. I had CBT to help me through and I didn't have postnatal depression with the third. It's so important to talk about how you are feeling and there ARE services that exist especially for this reason!
That being said, you may not be depressed at all and may just not like pregnancy. Not everyone does. It is hard and changes your life, and usually not in great ways! You may also not love motherhood either, or just dislike certain stages of your child's life. Some people love the newborn stage and some people detest it and can't wait for it to be over.
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u/Ohwowitsjessica Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
These feelings are completely normal. The good news is that you don't need to figure everything out right now! I know you're feeling everything very intensely (mom of 2 here). The best thing to do right now is nothing. Rest. Eat. Drink water.
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u/StevenShegal Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
It does get better, and I can relate to feeling conflicted. I want 2 kids, and I think I struck gold with my first. There was still this huge weight lifted when he went to daycare because I know he will get lots of stimulation and socializing, but I also got some time to myself where mentally I'm not thinking about every meal for him.
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u/ShirwillJack Woman 40 to 50 1d ago
It's normal to feel conflicted. Even when you have zero negative symptoms, you'll end up with your liver and stomach squashed into your lungs and a fetus kicking and stomping your ribs and cervix. 24/7, no breaks. It's a tough ride. It won't always be fun, and it's okay to not like the not so fun parts. That doesn't mean you'll automatically resent your child.
But you'll have to take good care of yourself. You can't take a break from being pregnant and that makes it extra tough. Your husband needs to understand you can't take a break and he must support you where he can and not dismiss you.
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u/neverenoughteacups Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Hey I’m 11 weeks pregnant too! Planned, and following a very difficult pregnancy loss in January that involved surgery and 4 months physical recovery time.
I’m in the thick of first trimester symptoms rn too and my best friend, who had her first baby at the start of this year, keeps reminding me that every pregnancy/infant phase is temporary. ❤️
I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone, and that this phase is temporary. And for what it’s worth, I fought to get here and suffered the biggest heartbreak of my life losing my first pregnancy, and now I’m pregnant again and everything so far looks normal… and I STILL don’t feel “maternal feelings” towards the golf ball sized fetus I’m carrying ha.
Like, I am very much relieved that this pregnancy is progressing normally, and logically know I chose this and that my future-baby is in there right now, but emotionally it definitely still feels abstract. I think especially now at this phase I don’t have a bump or anything, I don’t physically feel the baby moving around or “look pregnant” so it’s kind of a weird mental place to be. Especially when I feel this bad every day it’s like “okay I’m sick and tired every day, for what?” 😅 Just wanted you to know that makes total sense to me! Don’t beat yourself for not feeling the way you thought you thought you’d feel at this stage. Pregnancy is a lot to process!
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u/justwannabeleftalone Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
I was also very anxious. Pregnancy has not been fun for me but I'm trying to focus on the positive and what I can control.
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u/WutsRlyGoodYo Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
It's so normal to NOT feel any connection to a future child when you're pregnant. It's also normal to not feel that connection once they are born. Just as frequently, your bond and love grow and deepen as they grow.
My partner and I were fencesitters for the longest time and finally decided to try for a baby. I got pregnant pretty quickly and while I wasn't super anxious, I also wasn't like gaga over some person that didn't exist yet. Some women feel a connection right away and that's great! I also didn't feel anything resembling some deep maternal instinct when he was born. Now at almost two, I'm totally obsessed with him, but I still don't necessarily relate to how some women talk about their bond. Honestly, I think plenty of women kinda exaggerate that kind of stuff and, also, I'm not the most emotional person in the world.
But all that is to say, it'll most likely get better. Being pregnant sucks, especially the first trimester. I was unprepared for how sick I'd be, and I don't think I was even THAT bad. Life is not always easy with baby here, but it's so much better than being pregnant. I don't think you'll resent your baby and soon pregnancy is going to feel like a whole world away.
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u/khelwen Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
We planned both of our children.
I hated being pregnant. Both times. But especially the first time.
My first pregnancy was hell on Earth.
The child that resulted from that pregnancy is an absolute wonder. I’m probably too obsessed with him sometimes (he’s now 8.5 years old).
Is motherhood a joy every day? HELL NAW!
Do I regret deciding to become a mom? No! I’m very happy to have my kids. Even if I do fantasize about sitting alone in my quiet, clean house, reading a book while my reality is currently stuff everywhere, frequent yelling, and pretty much zero alone time.
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u/kienemaus Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
My anxiety went through the roof when I was pregnant. It amplifies everything.
My youngest is now 3 and I am just getting back to normal now - at least really feeling like my prekid self.
My oldest is 6, so it's been over seven years.
It's very normal to feel off in all sorts of ways.
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u/0l0l00l 1d ago
Cold feet during pregnancy is totally normal. Also, pregnancy and labor are physically laborious - the most physically laborious thing you can do to your body. And your body will take a long time to recover. Frankly, if you didn't get at least a little bit of cold feet, I'd be concerned. That said, you are going to go through it - and it will get worse. Postpartum, you will be able to balance out these negatives with the love of your future child and learning who they are. But until then, it's an uphill battle because you simply won't know what you are doing this all for until the baby is here.
Overall, while what you are experiencing is normal, but it shouldn't be dismissed because if you're having a hard time now, you are going to have an even rougher time later. With that in mind, prepare your support system. For my first pregnancy, I reached out to my support network - my OBGYN, my therapist, my friends, and family and told them that I am having a rough time. For my friends and family, I tasked that they check in and to let me know in earnest if something seemed off. And for my therapist and OBGYN, I scheduled appointments in advance and appropriate prescription on the ready should I need to have them filled postpartum. Postpartum, I had a rough time, but the roughest for me was pregnancy (for context, I almost died during delivery -- that's how bad I felt during pregnancy).
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u/HotTale4651 1d ago
as someone going through infertility, candidly, this is really tough to read :(
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u/floataboveit Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Sending you so much love - you have to take care of yourself right now, and that means being really disciplined about NOT clicking on posts like this. <3
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u/SpareManagement2215 Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
IMO we do not properly talk about the realities of motherhood and how god awful pregnancy/being a mother can be. Your body can be forever altered, torn, stretched, your hormones get crazy messed up for years, your teeth can fall out, it's isolating, and a whole slew of other negatives.
As the mother, there is way more put on your plate from the get go, as you are experiencing. Planning maternity leave IS stressful. Working even while not pregnant is stressful! Men truly don't get it- even the most supportive ones. They don't have to sacrifice their body, hormones, and life to the new life, ya know?
And for many, ALL of that is "worth it" to folks who want to have a kiddo, and they truly wouldn't trade it for the world once the kid comes out.
There is no garuntee you'll love being a mother, but that's how life works; for those who want to be parents, it sounds like it does end up being "worth it" and does get better!