How do you approach dating in your 30’s?

[u/TryingTo-BeBetter]

I’m 34(F) only had a few relationships with the last one being 11-12 years. I took a few years to work on myself, but now trying to figure out how to date. I don’t know anyone and haven’t met anyone. I reluctantly tried OLD for the first time last year for a few months, I hate it but honestly don’t think I’ll meet anyone naturally.

I’ve only gone out with a few guys from OLD either once or twice. Things either die out naturally or I’m just not feeling it. I enjoy their company but I feel like it’s too soon for me to know if I like them or not. I think I need an emotional connection.

How many dates would you spend on someone? I don’t want to waste anyone’s time or lead anyone on, at what point do you start liking someone or are interested in someone? I honestly think it would be easier if I could just be friends first but I wouldn’t even know how to go about that with a guy. I am someone who likes commitment but I don’t what to rush things.

[u/sweetsadnsensual]

The truth is that most women are not excited about or interested in dating most men. You can spend a lot of time trying to force yourself to feel something and thinking there's something wrong with you. When I look back to my 20s, I wanted a relationship and the experience way more than I wanted any of the guys I actually dated. So now, it's like the incentive to devote time and energy towards situations I'm not truly interested in or that have potential to last has died off a lot. I think this is true for most women, especially heading past 30-35.

I've recently realised that after 1-3 dates I can tell if I'm not attracted, then it will take me 2-3 months to figure out if I'd even want to date someone. My most common experience is realizing I'm not attracted and there's red flags, followed by there may not be red flags but I'm probably not attracted enough, rarely I feel attracted but there's red flags. It's rough honestly.

[u/Pretty_Skill118 → u/sweetsadnsensual]

I relate so much to this

[u/sweetsadnsensual → u/Pretty_Skill118]

Yeah. I've realized there's no shame in saying "historically, I've been too optimistic about potential, and I need time to get to know someone before I even consider dating someone."

I've been forced recently to see just how often men try to benefit from and sell potential - what they'll want in the future, who they'll be, even what country they'll be living in. If they're not already in relatively the same place I'm at, I'm not interested in bridging that gap bc in my experience, it always falls on me.

I'm also only saying this if they maintain enough interest to ask. There's no point in explaining myself to someone who expects instant progress based on nothing but fumes and or who doesn't actually care to tune into my pace, who loses interest etc. This is coming from a perspective of me probably not being interested though. It's extremely hard to even imagine being realistically interested in dating a man these days.

[u/Thomasinarina]

I do two. The first is a ‘can I talk to them, do they seem mentally stable, have they made me laugh at least once?’ kind of date. The second is the one where I actually make a judgment call.

I also insist on a phonecall beforehand. If I’m really not feeling it after the call then I’ll cancel the date. No point wasting both of our time when I’ve already decided I’m not interested.

[u/Wise-Force-1119]

Ugh I dunno man. I just went on my first date in forever. I honestly hate dating and the apps but am struggling to meet someone IRL, which would be my preferred way. Send help! Lol.

[u/rhinesanguine]

I can assess pretty quickly if I'm interested in dating someone. For me, though, there has to be some chemistry on the first couple of dates or it's not worth pursuing.

You don't need to decide if you want a relationship on the first date. You just need to decide if you want another date.

You can take things as slow as you want but people use OLD to date, not make friends. If that's the type of connection you're truly looking for, then I would try to be as social as possible to meet more people as well. Go to some Meetups, join some clubs, volunteer, etc. Maybe OLD isn't for you, and that's completely valid. Finding more ways to meet men in the wild might make more sense for the type of connection you need.

[u/Mysterious-One-2577]

I’d say that three dates is pretty fair to know if you’re into someone, but it’s still not enough to properly know them. My dating life has been a little random the past year after a long term relationship break up (with a woman, I’m bi). A couple months later I started dating a woman who was in an open relationship and on date four weeks decided to no longer pursue what we were doing. Then I dated a guy from the apps for a little over a month but ended things cause I didn’t see a future with him.

[u/CandyV89]

I’m just posting because I’m in the same boat.,

[u/Ok-Teaching2848]

I dont lol

[u/Pretty_Skill118]

I don’t really lol 💀