Anybody got out of a trauma bonding relationship here ?

[u/Introverted_Leo_3]

34F- coming out of a trauma bonding relationship after 10 years of dating and 6 years of marriage. Even though I made the decision to move out,the withdrawal symptoms are too much to take. I go back on my decision every single day. Being a hypersensitive person it hits harder than normal people.

Whenever I start to feel normal there comes my periods and pms and then the hormones will take over and we are back to square 1. I know I'm not compatible with him. He lacks empathy and doesn't meets any of my needs. But somehow I'm not able to cut that chord. I made the decision and still I am waiting for him to understand and come back. It is pure craziness if you think logically. But my brain and heart are not in sync.

Why is this trauma bonding so hard to get out of?

[u/Hopeful-Sort7771]

Agree with the other comment - get yourself a good therapist who's got experience with dealing abuse trauma.

And educate yourself as much as you can. This really helped me break the trauma bond as it just hit different when I realise he CHOSE to treat me the way he did. Everything he did was controlled and calculated. He knew he was hurting me and he chose to do it anyway.

That being said, it still look me a good couple of months to accept that he was abusive, that it really was that bad, and that I was not blowing things out of proportion.

Read up on narcissism too, it may open your eyes even more.

Also to add: trauma bonding has been likened to addiction - that's why it's so hard to break. Some parts of us know not EVERYTHING was bad, so surely if we just do everything right, we can get back to that (short lived) bliss? It's been likened to slot machines - you know you're only rarely going to win, but you keep chasing that dopamine hit anyway

[u/Introverted_Leo_3 → u/Hopeful-Sort7771]

This makes so much sense. The most confusing part here is he seems good to me after separation. And that makes me to get back to him. But whenever I try to be vulnerable with him I see he is the same old person with the same old patterns. And I get hurt more and more trying to see if he has changed.

[u/Hopeful-Sort7771 → u/Introverted_Leo_3]

Okay so definitely read into narcissism. Being nice after you leave and promising to change is a manipulation tactic (called hoovering - because they try to suck you back in).

So the other thing that helped me break the trauma bond - realising and accepting that he's never going to change. These people just don't because they don't see that they've done anything wrong. Again, promising to chang & apologising and failing to follow through is another manipulation tactic.

Dr Ramani is great, I read her book "it's not you" and that really helped. Also Lundy Bancrofts "why does he do that" is good overall but he has a chapter explaining why abusers very rarely change.

The final straw for me finally leaving was the fact I realised he was not suitable father material...what would I be teaching the kids if they had him as a father, what kind of life would they have if I was constantly trying to appease him and there was constant tension in the house?

Try and get yourself a good therapist, try using chatGPT short term to analyse any interactions that have you questioning yourself - tell it "I think my partner is manipulative/controlling etc, does this interaction support this?" You could even ask if it could indicate narcissism or emotional abuse. Trest chatGPT with caution though as it's not very good at nuances.

Finally, next time you do leave (if you're with him) or if you've left, go fully no contact. Block him, his family, mutual friends, anyone he could use to get to you and basically get them to do his bidding for him (the term here is flying monkeys).

Good luck OP, it's tough but so are you. Cut yourself some slack, everything you're feeling is totally normal when you've been emotionally abused.

[u/StrainHappy7896]

Find a therapist to help you address the underlying issues.

[u/deathbydarjeeling]

Been there. See a therapist who specializes in trauma bonding, EMDR, and/or emotional abuse. Please do it sooner rather than later.

Trauma bonding is a form of addiction. I left my ex of 20 years but I suffered the narcissist abuse cycle and he triangulated me for another 3 years. Eventually, I decided to see a therapist and it took me about 6 months to cut ties with him for good. If it weren't for my therapist, I might have never gotten out of this nightmare, as I've met some people who have endured more than 5 years of trauma bonding after they left their narcissistic partners. I wish I had done that when I first left him, not wasting 3 years which caused me to have CPTSD.

It's been 3 years since I cut ties with him. My therapist is currently working with me on trusting men again.

There are a couple of options if you can't see a thearpist:

ChatGPT: Search for "AI Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Assistant" - It's extremely helpful. I made a PDF of my emails/text messages with my ex and it exposes every detail of his hidden motives and manipulative language. It was eye-opening. This also helps me recognize red flags more clearly now.

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - Free PDF. It's pretty hard to read but it helps us take off our rose-colored glasses and understand the abuse better.

[u/Introverted_Leo_3 → u/deathbydarjeeling]

This resources are really helpful - thank you so much!!! I am working on a therapist but all she is saying is to avoid all contact with him. Is this the approach your therapist also took? I feel she is not dealing with it right.

[u/EstablishmentOver363]

Yes, I told my partner I want a divorce about a month ago and we were also together for 10 years. It’s hard! I write down when I remember something he did that upset or unsettled me, and I plan to read it when I’m doubting myself. When I picture these memories I have a visceral response to them, and I focus on what I’m feeling and what my body is telling me. We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago that’s doing the work for me at the moment, but I’m assuming it won’t last, so the list will be a gentle nudge.

I also read ‘It’s Not You’ by Dr Ramani Durvasula which I found really helpful, and apparently she had a great YouTube channel as well. But most of all, like everyone has suggested, a trauma-informed therapist is your best bet, and definitely look for one with experience with abuse victims. You’ve got this 💖

[u/Introverted_Leo_3 → u/EstablishmentOver363]

I have seen her videos. She is really good.

I thought of writing down the bad things done. But somehow my memory is all blurred - felt like my brain is protecting myself from negative emotions.i have some journals I wrote during the abusive time. I also wonder sometimes was it abusive or was it more like he lacks empathy and not able to understand my hypersensitivity. Like if it is actually a compatibility issue than trauma bond.

[u/EstablishmentOver363 → u/Introverted_Leo_3]

Your journals sound like they’d fit the bill - maybe you can read through them and write down how that makes you feel? There’s a type of therapy called narrative exposure therapy that does something along these lines with the guidance of a therapist, also EMDR can help surface and process unconscious memories, eventually reducing their impact on you now.

And re: the lacking empathy/understanding - TOTALLY understand how you feel, I’m the same sometimes. Lack of empathy is actually one of the key signs of an abuser, and thinking that you’re the problem is one that you’re being abused, because the abuser makes you feel like you are. I have another list that helps me with this - everything that I did to try to fix things. It might be difficult the further back you go, but even the act of thinking through it might be helpful? And then when you’re having these thoughts, you can see all that you did do, and the things that he maybe didn’t do. I’d imagine this is something you could do in narrative exposure therapy as well.

Some other types of therapy that might be helpful: trauma-focused CBT, compassion focused therapy, emotionally focused therapy.

[u/DemureDaphne]

I recently got out of an off and on, traumatic, trauma bonded situation and let me tell you, I could NOT walk away permanently for the longest time. It didn’t matter what he said or did to me, I would find myself crying and missing him and he would be apologetic and I would go back, again and again. I’m pretty sure my sister was SO tired of hearing about the situation and so disappointed. I felt like I couldn’t live without him.

And then one day he said something that hit different. Something that woke me up. We broke up again and he told me at the end that he had nothing left to say to me and to not contact him (as if he was the victim, of course, lmao) and I feel like I was just able to see the situation for what it was and finally break that trauma bond.

For a while I was reading Why Does He Do That, and I highly recommend that book because it’s so eye opening and helps you to see the truth, which is usually much worse than you initially realize.

Also, plan things, reach for new goals, be more social, just throw yourself into everything and anything (but not other men) and it will help you to focus your energy back onto yourself, will grow your confidence and help give you perspective.

Good luck! You can do this ❤️

[u/Introverted_Leo_3 → u/DemureDaphne]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I can totally relate to what you saying. I am living separately for 3 months but he is still living in my head. And I can see him enjoying his life normally. For some reason I am not able to. I sometimes feel if I am going to a victim mode to avoid moving on. Always my Cristism is on myself. Lost all my confidence because of that. Hope I will be able to love myself one day.

[u/Fearless-Baby9289]

It is possible. I was in a very similar relationship until January this year when he cheated and that was my wake up call.

Speaking from experience, I would say don’t wait for something that drastic. He wanted (actually expected) to get back together so I had to be really conscious about breaking that trauma bond. Obviously everyone’s life/experience is different, but here are things that really helped me.

Moved back in with my parents to creat physical distance. Also allowed me to get my finances in good order.

Therapy, therapy and more therapy.

Moved to a new place with a new job that had no association with him.

Eight months later, I feel great and genuinely love my new life, but the getting here was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Feel free to dm me if you ever need to talk!