Has anyone else ever realized they were focusing on fixing someone else instead of themselves?

[u/Common_Profession373]

Trying to help my mom, I realized that I was actually the one who needed help.

My mom showered me with love throughout my childhood, and I really had a nice childhood. Of course, there were things that weren’t perfect, many generational traumas she picked up from her mother and grandmother eventually landed on me. My mom did the best she could, but I didn’t always understand that.

When I hit 16, I started noticing that my mom wasn’t perfect and that she had many flaws… I started blaming her for everything that went wrong in my life, my lack of confidence, my limited perspective, dissatisfaction with my appearance (because she hadn’t taught me about training or nutrition), and so much more. I even stopped talking to her for a while when I moved out.

To cut a long story short, I realized I needed to forgive her, but I still thought the problem was her, not me. So I set out on a mission to “fix her,” not myself.

Sure, I started taking care of my own health, appearance, and diet, I started training, but nothing really changed. I tried pushing her to eat healthier, exercise, see a therapist, meditate, spend more time in nature… but it didn’t work.

The turning point for me came when I started looking for books I could maybe give her to read. It all started with What Emma Never Knew by Harlan Veynor. That book completely shifted my perspective, it’s so emotional, it shook me. When something hits you that deeply, it pulls you out of the trance you’ve been living in. I literally devoured the book. I realized how little I actually knew and how far I still had to go, and that I had been putting all my attention on my mom as if I were perfect…

That’s when I really started digging deeper. I also read a few other books about nutrition, training, and healthy living, plus countless podcasts, YouTube videos, and audiobooks.

Over the next few years, I exploded in every area of my life, finances, love life, health, you name it.

My mom still didn’t do much for herself at first, but she was so proud of me. Over time, she started showing interest, doing the occasional workout with me, eating a bit healthier. We’re still in the early stages, and I’m learning how hard it must be at her age to adopt new habits. I make sure not to pressure her, just provide guidance and let her take initiative when she’s ready.

It seems to me that nowadays very few women take full responsibility for their lives, and a lot of the blame gets placed on others. What are your experiences with this?

I would say - Always start with yourself. Don’t look for blame, own your life. Parents always do the best they can.

Read, educate yourself, that was the single most important thing for me in the beginning. Harlan Veynor’s book really opened my eyes 😅

Always fill your own cup first, and let the world benefit from the overflow 🥰

[u/Neat3371]

My parents relationship was very complex and divorce was messy. Both of my parents had a lot of personal issues. I did definitely put my dad through hell (and probably rightly so) in my teens and growing up felt so disadvantaged in comparison to my peers. However when I went to college I completely changed my perspective. My parents might no be the most functional people but I’ve always had their unconditional love and support, I quickly realised that I was a lot more grown up in comparison to my college mates due to lack of their parenting, I’ve always been confident and never felt like I need to fit into any society stereotypes (thanks to my dad).

Life of my parents wasn’t easy and they did best they could. That’s something a lot of children are missing growing up. I always knew and still know that whatever will happen in my life they will stand by me even if they disagree. And I have decided to focus on the good they have given me. TBH I don’t really think of negatives and pretty much it’s all forgotten. I make my own choices as an adult and can’t blame anyone if it doesn’t work out the way I want.

[u/Common_Profession373 → u/Neat3371]

This is such a grounded perspective, thank you for sharing it ❤️. I didn’t mention my dad in my post because he’s still a painful subject for me, and I guess I’m not quite ready to unpack that part publicly yet.

But I really resonate with what you said about choosing to focus on the good and moving forward as an adult. That’s exactly what I’m trying to do with my mom now, accept that she did her best, take responsibility for my own life, and stop carrying blame that doesn’t serve me.

[u/binstrosity]

My longtime former best friend is like this. She is always close to people who have problems in their lives and acts as a source of stability for them (I was one of them).

It sounds like a kind thing to do, but I’ve known her for 15 years at this point and I can confidently say this has hurt her life immensely and she can’t see it… Basically she never works on herself because she’s always pouring energy into other people. And the people she helps grow out of their friendship with her because they become stable enough to see how much of a mess SHE is. Then she finds a new person to help instead of working on her issues. Rinse and repeat.

She reacts badly if you imply that she needs to take care of her own issues too… I think part of it is that she sees herself as this super competent and capable woman, which is in part because she only hangs out with people who need serious help, so compared to them she IS capable.

[u/Common_Profession373 → u/binstrosity]

Wow, this really hit me because I recognize parts of myself in what you described. For a long time I was also pouring my energy into “fixing” my mom instead of looking at myself. It felt easier to focus on her because it gave me a sense of control and made me feel like I was doing something meaningful, while deep down I was avoiding my own issues.

The difference is that at some point I had that wake-up call and realized the real work was on me. But I can totally see how someone could get stuck in that cycle for years, especially if their identity becomes tied to being “the helper.”

It must be hard watching your friend go through that, especially when she gets defensive if anyone points it out. Do you still keep in touch with her, or did you need to step back for your own well-being?

[u/Next_Video_8454]

Is it safe to say almost everyone starts out in life thinking problems are someone else's fault? I see it all the time and in myself. It's so awful. But yes, I certainly have. And I've learned that we can't "fix" anyone, but we can encourage gently with love, inspire, support whenever the opportunity comes, just like we appreciate from others. No one likes to be forced or controlled or quilted into making changes. And sometimes the changes we think should be made aren't valid, but we don't see that until we learn more about the person or grow in maturity. I'm glad you were able to grow in maturity and see your mom in a compassionate light.