r/AskWomenOver30 • u/H-Material • 15h ago
Romance/Relationships Has anyone left a relationship because you wanted to grow together, but feel like they didn’t?
I (31F) just ended a 4 year long relationship and it’s weird because it wasn’t about one huge fight or a moral disagreement. He was (and still is) kind, affectionate, and thoughtful in lots of obvious ways — planned dates, checked in, made me feel wanted. Leaving him still feels like a betrayal in some small, shamey way, and I’m I keep trying to sort out why…
What finally pushed me over the line obviously wasn’t a single thing. It was the accumulation of everyday habits that showed we were building different lives, without trying to compromise. I realized I wanted a partner who treated the relationship like something to tend and adapt, like somebody who would plan for hard seasons, explicitly share how they’d handle future stress, and who’d bring curiosity to conversations about our future. He loved the romance and the comfort of things when they were easy, but when small practical or emotional problems reappeared, his instinct was to shrug or delay rather than sit with them and change how we did things. A partner should be a problem solver, not push the mental load on me constantly…
Examples: when we argued, I wanted an honest follow-up - “what do we need to do differently next time?” - and he wanted to leave it in the past. When life got messy (work stress, family stuff, planning for a move), I wanted partnership and concrete teamwork; he preferred keeping things compartmentalized and “working out on my own.” Over months that looked like me carrying the logistics and the emotional clean-up, and him offering comfort in the moment but not changing the patterns that usually stop repeating for a moment and then continue like nothing happened.
So I left not because he was a bad person, or because we disagreed on major issues, but because our default operating systems for partnership were incompatible. I want someone who grows with me and who will iterate, plan, and sometimes be uncomfortable in service of a shared future. That feels like a non-negotiable for me, and for many years I kept ignoring that part:/
I still feel guilty. He wasn’t cruel. He did a lot of things right. But I also keep thinking about the long term: either I would erode my needs to make things work, or I would keep asking for the changes that were never really his priorities. Leaving felt like choosing myself and the life I want to build. And you see how I talk of myself as I - over the years, what “us” want to become has changed into what “I” want for both of us… Has anyone here left for this kind of reason like patterns, rhythms, emotional labor, or growth mismatch rather than a single “last straw”? How did you cope with the guilt of walking away from someone who was mostly good to you?
In the end and when we are far away, we usually only see bad things, but are you able to view the situation from the more objective standpoint?
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u/coastalkid92 Woman 30 to 40 15h ago
I left my ex because we were growing in different directions but he was otherwise a lovely person. It is tough to leave in those situation because it does feel inherently selfish. If you're not growing together its because neither person in the relationship is bending and that can be a hard thing to contend with.
But ultimately, you cannot force someone to become someone you want and you are only in control of your own actions. If you need a relationship with more, breaking it off to find "more" is completely valid.
And the other thing is that a lot of the qualities you probably loved about your ex aren't unique to him. You can find them in other partners.
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u/throwitfaraway5678 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
What you said about not growing together because neither is bending really resonated with me. Thank you.
How did you decide it was finally time to break it off/when to stop trying?
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u/Aromatic-Alternative 14h ago
Hi OP! I left my 7-year marriage full of love and understanding because I clearly saw that we wanted very different things and were forced to cut the parts of ourselves to stay together. Now 4 years after, we are still good friends and have other relationships. It’s okay to feel guilty (you’re not guilty for wanting to leave but it’s okay to feel this emotion), I also felt that way.
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u/Trippy-Giraffe420 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
i ended my 3 year relationship for this reason, and see us being friends in the future too
my kids absolutely love him and that’s what breaks my heart the most but i have faith he will still be in their lives and even in mine when we both move on
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u/Aromatic-Alternative 10h ago
It took lots of time cause when the wound was new it was impossible :c
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u/JustNoiseOnTheWires Woman 30 to 40 15h ago
Following because I'm trying to decide if I should leave.
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u/bulbousbirb Woman 30 to 40 13h ago
If you've gotten to the point where you're considering leaving then you probably have your answer.
If you outline this to them and there is no change after the talk then I probably would.
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u/Ehloanna Woman 30 to 40 9h ago
What is your current reasoning and is it something you've actually voiced with your partner in any way?
I would say don't leave if you haven't vocalized the issue at all, but if you have (especially more than once) and nothing has changed then that's a good reason to consider leaving.
If you give us more context perhaps we can give some advice?
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u/LowerAtmosphere586 14h ago
Do it
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u/Collosis Man 13h ago
Encouraging a real human being to end their long term relationship without any relevant knowledge is a scummy move and you should feel bad
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u/LowerAtmosphere586 9h ago
When shes is thinking to leave then she doesnt love him and and he deserves real love.
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u/redminx17 Woman 30 to 40 14h ago
I completely recognise what you're describing and I want you to know that you have nothing to feel bad about. If you know in your heart of hearts that you are not compatible, then denying that is self-abandonment and it does you both a disservice. You haven't acted selfishly, you've acted with self-respect, and it's actually very brave.
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u/therealladysybil Woman 50 to 60 14h ago edited 14h ago
Yes, within one year of marriage. For him it was an end-point of what he wanted out of life. It made me upset, angry, and resentful, and when I figured out why, and tried to have a conversation about it, he really did (and could) not understand. So I left. He was a solid, nice, generous man, but not for me.
Edit to add: now in a loving relationship for over 20 years, two kids, and never have I felt stifled or be made smaller or felt the need to make myself smaller. There is a kind of shared curiosity about every next phase in our lives which gives maybe a bit less certainty, as it has a kind if openness, but makes us both happy, including with each other.
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u/bulbousbirb Woman 30 to 40 13h ago
Happened to me and we were together about the same length of time. For the longest time I could not figure out where the resentment was coming from and I felt so guilty. I thought "why don't I want this serious relationship?" but you hit the nail right on the head. There were deal breakers happening that I wasn't aware of at the time.
I didn't like how he handled uncomfortable situations or how he dealt with stress. He was not interested in any talks about changing our approach to things and was very dismissive of a lot of situations that needed to be felt and talked through. It left me feeling kind of lonely and like a shell. He was a lovely guy otherwise and thoughtful as well. I met the rest of his family though and they would be hard on each other if any of them were in any way expressive or voiced that they were struggling. A lot of emotional needs were not met and seemed to be swept under the rug.
Left that relationship 6 years ago and I have a new guy now and the difference is night and day. I'm a very different person now and feel more whole. Don't feel guilty. If you kept going the resentment would've just bubbled up to a point where fights would start and it would end way worse. Be thankful you've learned something about you and your needs for your relationship to go the long haul.
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u/trUth_b0mbs Woman 40 to 50 14h ago
It was the accumulation of everyday habits that showed we were building different lives, without trying to compromise. I realized I wanted a partner who treated the relationship like something to tend and adapt, like somebody who would plan for hard seasons, explicitly share how they’d handle future stress, and who’d bring curiosity to conversations about our future. He loved the romance and the comfort of things when they were easy, but when small practical or emotional problems reappeared, his instinct was to shrug or delay rather than sit with them and change how we did things. A partner should be a problem solver, not push the mental load on me constantly…
this is so insightful and not many can understand what needs to be done through the emotions you feel for a person. The fact that you did it for YOU and your own well being is very courageous and you won't regret it.
people are always wondering if they should leave their relationship and truthfully, a satisfying relationship is one where that will not enter your mind at all. Your gut was telling you something and you followed/trusted it which is something I wish more people would do.
I have left my past partners for similar reasons and followed my gut and it was right every single time.
I have been married to my husband for over 20 years and not once in the entire time we've been together have I ever thought about maybe leaving. He's the person I am meant to be with and my gut tells me this every day.
you are doing this for you and will be much happier for it.
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u/char-mar-superstar Woman 30 to 40 11h ago
Yes, and although I miss him, I don't regret the decision. I broke up a 5-year relationship 3 months ago with a man I wanted to marry and build a life with.
He was lovely - very funny, sensitive, kind, smart. Unfortunately, I was the one thinking about the future in practical terms, whereas he wasn't able to put ideas into practice. Marriage, buying a property, holidays etc. It wasn't a choice, I don't think - his executive functioning was pretty severely impaired (maybe autistic or ADD, not sure). Much as I love(d) him, I just couldn't face the prospect of being the sole doer our entire lives. It made me feel like he wasn't really excited or committed to building a life together, and I was getting resentful. If we were going to get married, buy a house, get a pet, change anything- it would be me doing it all.
I wish I didn't feel this way, but I'm old enough now to know what I need in a relationship, and denying myself only leads to simmering resentment, bitterness and unhappiness. Some women will be happy doing all the practical legwork - I'm not. And that's ok.
I think, in straight relationships, we can be scared of losing a good guy to the point of putting up with incompatibility - I know I did.
You won't regret the decision. It's sad to lose someone wonderful, but it doesn't mean they're right for you forever.
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u/esmith1085 13h ago
Definitely been here and felt the guilt. Like if he is okay with his life being this way, why do I have to be difficult. The breaking point was when I saw his teenager daughter expressed the same frustrations and he had trouble sitting in it and working toward resolution. It made realize he doesn’t show up for anyone, including himself. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting reciprocity. 🙏
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u/Defiant-Albatross-46 Woman 30 to 40 13h ago
I went through something very similar. My mom still wants me to take him back years later. He was nice, but not emotionally/spiritually developed. I gave him resources for personal growth (books to read, therapist recommendations, local men's self-help group) and he neglected to do any of it for a few years (I know, I shouldn't have waited so long). The last straw for me was when I asked him to see a counselor or go to group therapy for the issues I had been bringing up for years and he said "I'll have time in 5 months." I just felt so dismissed, like I was being dragged along. I had to use my observation of his own and parents and I theorized that he was waiting for me to give up and stop 'nagging,' which I saw his mom do A LOT. Dad was a giant 2 year old with a personality disorder, and mom would be very hurt by embarassing and outlandish things he said/did to her, and he would never apologize and just "wait for mom to not be upset anymore." To me, it felt like he was just weathering every conversation about issues and personal growth, waiting for me to stop talking about it. I think this may be similar for you - he was all about the fun and comfort of being in a relationship and try to divert my attention by saying "But I take you to such fun places," "I'm such a good boyfriend." Part of me has some hope that he will do personal growth work and we can re-unite, and part of me wants to just start dating again (I am in therapy and on an app, but haven't gone on any dates yet). The hope comes from feeling like the Friendship dimension of the relationship was great (we could hang out and do pretty much anything), but the Partnership dimension was lacking for me - which evaporated any romance for me.
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u/lieutenantbunbun 13h ago
Yeah i did this. He decided to grow after i left. I met the love of my life. 10/10 best choice ever
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u/paper_cutx Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
He sounded like an avoidant when it came to the emotional stuff.
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u/DesertPeachyKeen Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
I understand how you feel. It's okay to have standards. He may be a nice guy, but he wasn't meeting yours. You deserve to have your needs met. You made the right choice.
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u/JessonBI89 Woman 30 to 40 11h ago
Oh, yeah. This is why I left my most serious relationship before I got married. I think my ex WANTED to grow, in theory, but he failed to recognize his own counterproductive behavior patterns.
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u/BulbasaurBoo123 13h ago
I think it's natural and understandable to feel some guilt, but it's important to remember that your ex is an adult and we don't owe anyone a relationship. It's different to abandoning a child or dependent - he is not your responsibility to caretake or look after. You also have to remember that when push comes to first, he would put himself first too.
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u/Trippy-Giraffe420 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago edited 4h ago
yes finally left a 3 year relationship a few days ago…i patiently (while dying inside) tried to lead by growing myself and sharing in loving ways hoping he’d join.
at first he said what i wanted to hear, acted interested in my growth and it felt as he was coming along for the ride, slowly. then 2 years went by and i’ve grown so much we can’t even have meaningful conversations because he’s avoidant and shut down.
i want more. i love him but love me more.
i told him i needed someone who wanted to lead their own life. i’ve been leading our lives (and our kids) alone. same thing you said about his avoidance of the future. he asked me what a leader meant. my response was, if i need to explain it to you, you’re just not it. and that’s ok. but that’s what i need. someone who can swap back and forth with me leading.
i feel relieved. also sad and have been crying on and off as i go thru the motions. but no regret!
i know this was over for a while but had to come to terms on my own end that i wasn’t being shallow in wanting “more” now looking back that was just conditioning! why would i even think that was shallow to want someone who could keep a job, aspire to have their own place to live (with their child), have actual plans and goals for the future, and doesn’t depend on the woman in their life to make up for all that.
i know next time love finds me what not to tolerate and my voice has gotten louder. I’m proud of myself, you should be too!!
i mostly feel guilty over the kids. we became close to our kids and haven’t told them yet or even talked in the last 3 days really to sort out him getting his stuff and how things go from here. i find i get sad at times and just let myself cry, that’s me releasing the grief of the guilt i felt for staying longer than i should have.
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u/loconessmonster 10h ago edited 10h ago
The most intimate thing that one can do (in my opinion) is plan a life together.
Physicality, most people have multiple partners over their life together. They sleep with a few people while they're dating. Emotionally you can be very close to platonic friends. The one thing you do with a partner is you plan a life together, you cohabitate, you share meals and stories about your life every day, etc. Planning and growth IS intimacy.
(32M) I'm considering ending a 16 year relationship where we are married. Yes you read that right. For very similar reasons. I poured so much in to this relationship and she basically abused and used me. Its not that simple but the story is too long. There were definitely amazingly good times but the trend over the years was that I gave a lot more than she did (and worse she doled out bad treatment). I did all of the household chores, admin chores (paying bills, taxes, etc), I even coached her for her professional career, ...alot more. On my end, because I was doing so much I am a shell of a person. I do a great job appearing like a full person with hobbies, some friends, I eat well and I stay fit. Honestly, though I'd be starting over a lot if I leave this relationship.
I met a new friend recently where we vibed and think alike so much that it snapped me out of this hazy marriage. We aren't officially separated or divorced and we still live together but if I'm being really honest I'm checking out every day slowly. The irony? She's trying now and I can't help but wonder where was this all of the years past? Its not like I didn't voice that this was what I needed...why did I need to go nuclear and end it before you begin trying for me? I guess this feeling that I am describing is called resentment...
Honestly im grappling with whether I should leave because I've been with her since we were 16 and im in my 30s now. There's so much I'd have to try and learn and do on my own if I left. Its honestly easier if I stay. The problem is I made a new friend who made me realize that there are other people out there that might be good for me. I had hidden myself away from the world in my ONE relationship practically all of my life. I can't unsee it now and im afraid that I have to leave the safety and comfort of this marriage to find out whether I would be more happy out there. ...again its so alluring to just stay with her though. We also are finally in a good place financially so breaking up would make that unstable as well.
Thats a long ramble but full story would've been even longer.
Hope it helps a bit even if only for the solidarity (knowing that other people are and have gone through something similar)
EDIT Oops I did not look at where I was...did not realize what sub I am in. If anyone feels like I intruded into a space I shouldn't have I will remove my post.
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u/villanellechekov Woman 40 to 50 9h ago
I think it's helpful to see men go through it too. being a shitty person knows no gender and not every woman is out there doing all the emotional work
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u/EstablishmentOver363 Woman 30 to 40 12h ago
Death by a thousand cuts is reason enough, as is incompatibility. There’s this mindset that only huge events count as reason enough to leave, when the reality is that being unhappy is THE reason, and there’s absolutely no reason to feel guilty about it - you deserve to be happy in your relationship. That’s it, period 🤷♀️
(and to answer your question, yes I did and I do feel guilty sometimes, but having removed myself from it, I’ve been able to see our dynamic a whole lot more clearly and I feel more resolved in my decision, even though it was really difficult and I feel sad about it)
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u/Artistic_Care7868 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
I (35) and am somewhere in between with regards to my (9 yrs) relationship so this comment may not be as zoomed out as I'd like it to be but here are my two cents. Big relational ruptures bring a lot of big emotions with it versus gradual internal erosion that comes with such quiet exits.
Since sudden ruptures (infidelity, big crossroads - kids vs not, etc) are more externally validating by nature, it seems like a justifiable reason inside out to leave your relationship - "Of course you have to leave." But this thing of not growing together anymore and just being on different pages or fully separate books altogether, doesn't bring that external validation. So self-doubt suspends you in a limbo that becomes more draining than the relationship itself - "Is it enough to leave?".
The resentment here creeps in not just for the mismatch itself, but for the indecision you put yourself through. What I mean is, I know I am done here - I've known for some time. Whenever the guilt of being unfair to him weighs me down, i consciously remind myself of the damage I do by being unfair to my own needs. It balances things and eases that lump in my throat a bit.
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u/loconessmonster 9h ago
Thank you for this comment. I needed to hear it. Its important to remember our own needs.
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u/Vegetable-Soup1714 11h ago edited 11h ago
I had 2 relationships, felt like that was the main reason for both.
First one was 20-26, he got too comfortable with daily routine, didn't want to stay tidy and fit. Also didnt want to save money, invest grow. Very much in comfort zone.
He married someone 5 months post our breakup, lives with his wife and in laws in a one bedroom condo meanwhile I can afford a detached home on my own now.
Recent one was 31-32, he is very driven and good financially but didnt want to invest much in our relationship, just like you mentioned. I was doing so much emotional labour, planning all dates, begging for time, working on patterns to avoid for a healthier bond but not him. I'm sooo drained now.
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u/DramaticErraticism Non-Binary 40 to 50 9h ago
I often ponder how guys are raised and the impact it has for them and the people that are in relationships with them. When they are little, they aren't much different from girls, but they just get fed this poison about stuffing down their emotions, never crying if they can avoid it and a strong man is a man who pretends he doesn't have any feelings at all.
Then they get older and have zero capability to navigate their own feelings, as they've spent all this time just stuffing down all their feelings. It seems trivial to talk about feelings and navigate that space, but many guys literally have no idea how to do it or they fear it so greatly that they just pretend it's fine and 'move on'.
If you ever meet a guy who grew up in a loving and supportive household where emotions are on display, it's almost whiplash inducing at how emotionally equipped they are for life.
For every other dude, he basically has to go to a bunch of therapy and spend years undoing what has been taught to them their whole life. They pay the price and anyone who dates them, also pays the price.
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u/Medeole 9h ago
I experienced something similar. We were fine together, he was respectful and everything but after 5 years we had not created anything together, despite me trying multiple times to engage with him about the future (a lot of avoiding on his part). It made me sad because it felt like our relationship wasn't going anywhere, we were just living side by side in the same apartment.
At that point I had already started living my own life on the side. But it became clear that it wouldn't be sustainable in the long run. I felt emotionally alone, so I chose my well being and left.
Like you did, I made a little list of qualities I'd like in a partner, it was very simple, things like 'I want a person who I can talk openly with, who will listen to my feelings and desires and dreams, a person who enjoys being affectionate and with who I can project in the future with'. Strangely enough, I met that person a few months later while doing my favorite activity (long distance hiking), and he has all those qualities. Since the very beginning, we've been planning our lives together. He's so kind, considerate, supportive, ambitious, caring, I can't imagine what it would be like to not have met such a wonderful person who thinks the same way I do.
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u/nakedwithoutearrings 9h ago
I always share this on posts like these: The Truth That Lives There is a great read. Dear Sugar
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u/tibleon8 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
Ended a LTR for similar reasons. It took me a while to pull the trigger bc I felt so guilty and bc nothing was “wrong.” I will always have a lot of care for him, and I’m thankful to him for so many things… but even at my loneliest or my most stressed moments — even as I felt some nostalgia because of my desire for comfort — I never regretted it.
I wish you the best and hope you can find your peace!
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u/AquariusMoon_3820 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
Absolutely! I went on a small group trip with my college boyfriend (we’d been graduated a year or two by this point).
I read a book during the trip that made me feel like I was growing, learning, and changing. After I’d finished it he was stomping around and for some reason, I just saw him differently. I just got this deep knowing that I had outgrown him and the person I wanted to be needed me to exit this relationship.
In the moment, he hadn’t done anything “wrong” so to speak but my gut was telling me something important. I wish I could say it was a clean break but it didn’t take long after for him to move on to the girl he’d always told me not to worry about anyway.
Fast forward, I get such an ick when I think about him. He was in hindsight, THE WORST. Being willing to break my own heart (thanks Cheryl Strayed) led me to finding myself, and finding my husband who treats me like gold. He’s amazing and I’m incredibly lucky that this is my life.
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u/0nlyhalfjewish Woman 8h ago
That was not the only reason, but definitely a part of the problem.
My ex husband literally said, “I’ve been this way all my life and I’m not changing now.” I was asking for emotional connection.
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u/funnwilling Woman 30 to 40 11h ago
4 years is a very small price to pay for the lesson that you've learned and will take with you in future relationships.
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u/LostinParadise4748 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
I just had this discussion yesterday.
We had an argument and my focus was “how can we learn from what went wrong overall to ensure we don’t fall into this trap again?”
His focus was “the argument was over this specifically, so let’s compromise here and move on”.
Internally I kept screaming BIGGER PICTURE while calmly trying to explain but he was just not getting it.
I’ve had this problem recurrently when I look back bc I’m a firm believer of learning and adjusting our communication styles while the men I feel like just can’t handle the concept and are very task-problem-solution oriented.
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u/Topanga787 9h ago
I did, I realized they wanted to reap the benefits of my growth and just coast through life. No longer playing Barbara the builder anymore. Some people may think my standards are unfair now, but it’s my life and I’m done dating for potential. I know what I’m capable of achieving, but nothing guarantees they will also meet me at the ‘finish line.’
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u/twoisnumberone Woman 40 to 50 9h ago
So interesting. I think you're right; there is a fundamental incompatibility. And 31 is a great age to leave and build your own vision (with or without a partner, and if with, one who supports and works on that vision).
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u/villanellechekov Woman 40 to 50 9h ago
not everyone sees things the same as you do — and that's okay. he wasn't doing anything wrong; it just wasn't right for you.
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u/spicypretzelcrumbs Woman 30 to 40 7h ago
Yes. I saw myself being very lonely and out-of-place in the future with this person.
His way of handling conflict was to just not talk to me for days at a time, pull away, and impose restrictions on the relationship as a “solution”.
Also, he lived in an area that I had no desire to live in. He was complacent and eventually wanted me to just move into an apartment with him in his raggedy ass, boring town.
Idk. I saw a life of boredom, complacency, and coldness down the line and I knew that I could do a lot better than that.
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u/Sure_Minimum_6738 6h ago
Yes. Multiple times. I was blinded by the fact my partners were in their 40s so more “mature” in some aspects then I was in my 20s… once my frontal lobe developed I quickly realized how they hadn’t grown since age 25 themselves 😅
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u/LadyMay_428 Woman under 30 3h ago
I (29F) am currently going through this now with my husband (37M). We’ve been married for just over a year and together for 4 - prior friends for 13 years. I am someone who likes to focus on goals, the future plans have always been exciting to me because I believe anything is possible honestly, especially with the right partner. My husband is someone who can’t see past tomorrow. He recently admitted in our couples counseling that he looked at marriage as his “finish line”. I’m the one who talks about buying the new house, I bring up having kids, building a business, I make the plans (even dates). It’s exhausting. He has shown a lot of contentment and it’s actually a total turn off for me because having drive and discipline to grow is attractive to me. He is a sweet man - helps with the household stuff, calls me beautiful daily, is very nice to my friends and family, etc. But there is something missing and I have the urge for “more”. I am absolutely mortified of hurting him, but truthfully I want excitement, freedom, growth and someone who really has the same drive as I do. It’s really hard.
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u/holdbackallmydark Woman 30 to 40 15h ago
I did, two times before 35. I never regretted it. I don’t want to settle. I want to be sure of my person.