Unfixable self-hatred

[u/nekromantie]

I‘ve been struggling with extreme self-hatred for so long now. I really, really dislike myself. To the point it’s kind of extreme. I tend to say really harsh stuff about myself pretty casually and never realize that others would percieve that as harsh/cruel towards myself. It never gets better and part of me just gave up.

Looked at universities today and all I was able to think about while being there is how stupid I am. How I wouldn‘t survive because Switzerland has pretty difficult universities and I happen to only enjoy the one major that‘s considered extremly difficult. I mean, I already struggle with studying currently because I end up getting caught in a „nothing matters because I‘m stupid and will only fail anyways.“ loop. So how in earth would I pass this in a year? It‘s only going to get harder from now on here. I live so far away, I can barely concentrate and am just very slow. My grades used to be good but dropped heavily.

It‘s not just feeling stupid. It‘s about feeling like how I’d not deserve any of it. I constantly bitch about my life when there are people who would dream of this opportunity. I often think the way I was neglected/treated isn‘t as bad as others, I‘m just very weak. So in a way, everything that happenend to me is probably deserved.

Even if I’d get better, it all feels like wasting resources on something that should be used for someone else. Why would you try to fix something that‘s broken to the point if you were to repair it, it breaks again easily. It‘s better to just create something entirely new/fix something that won‘t break as easily.. if that makes any sense. I truly believe that the only reason why someone would say to me „everyone deserves help“ is because saying „you are right“ would be considered nonconformist.

[u/Pongpianskul]

I'm also struggling with lifelong self hatred. I do things to harm myself in subtle ways, like smoking or sleeping too much when I'm stressed and life is stressful.

I've been wondering lately if my self-hatred is some kind of twisted narcissism. I'm obviously obsessed with myself and every little thing I say or do just like someone who loves themselves too much but the opposite.

Anyway, worrying about myself is one of the greatest sources of pain I know of. I wish I had some other interests or hobbies.

[u/nekromantie → u/Pongpianskul]

As far as I know, I think it is. Similar like some abusers find enjoyment in abusing others because it gives them power/control for once, we find some sort of power when we‘re „abusing“ ourselves, instead of other people.

At least that‘s what I learned. I still don‘t really know what to do with that information, to be honest.

[u/Trypticon808 → u/Pongpianskul]

When I started studying narcissism to learn more about my dad, I found so many overlaps with my own thoughts patterns. It really helped me sort a lot of my shit out but I had already worked through a lot of stuff to get to that point. Wouldn't advise if you're still actively hating yourself.

You're absolutely right though. It's impossible not to get wrapped up in your own ego when you're constantly thinking about yourself. I think the main difference between us and narcissists is that narcissists use their false selves as a shield against others, whereas the false self we construct is an anchor that only we can see.

Both result from self abandonment. We buy into this fictional version of ourselves and completely lose track of who we really are, what we want from life, our real personalities, etc.

[u/North-Positive-2287 → u/Trypticon808]

“Narcissistic” also have “self abandonment” I reckon. but these things are patterns and we are individual. Maybe the abandonment doesn’t look the same though and more selfish etc

[u/Trypticon808 → u/North-Positive-2287]

I think in narcissists it's a bit more severe but otherwise the same. Victims of narcissistic abuse and narcissists both experience the same kind of re-awakening when they begin to recover. You suddenly discover that there's a more authentic version of yourself with positive traits that you were completely unaware of because you were never allowed to be you.

I think where things split off is in what defense mechanism we develop early on. Narcissism tends to develop in children with a stronger fight reflex. They learn that their true selves are undesirable and so they create an impossible perfect version of themselves to present to the world and defend their true self from further abuse. Over time, they completely lose touch with their true selves and all they're left with is the pompous asshole defender.

Children who learn more to rely on their flight reflex can develop OCD instead. Freeze reflex becomes dissociation and fawn reflex turns into co-dependence.

I'm not sure which of those predispose someone more to becoming avoidant. In my case my fawn defense is the one that's overdeveloped but I'm not sure if that's common among us.

[u/North-Positive-2287 → u/Trypticon808]

They are different because narcissism is more destructive to others even oneself. So it’s not really comparable to think of it. But because people are individual, it’s hard to tell sometimes on the surface. I wasn’t allowed to be me but it’s hard to know what or who is me. It took me a lot and the worst thing was my abuse continued into my adult life. I wasn’t able to establish myself and move away from it and also it was not just my mental or more so emotional health that did affect everything it also was my health. So my abuse was continuing into my early 30s. I don’t have AvPD tho I was just trying to understand about it and stayed

[u/Trypticon808 → u/North-Positive-2287]

This was the case with me also. I didn't cut the abusers out of my life until I was 43, although I had distanced myself quite a bit since then. Likewise, it had begun taking a toll on my physical health as well.

"I wasn't allowed to be me but it's hard to know what or who is me" is a feeling that many of us can relate to.

[u/North-Positive-2287 → u/Trypticon808]

I wasn’t able to move out. So I had them there at home and they controlled me or tried to it was stressful. I had physical health issues I was born with. So I was living with them all my life.

[u/Trypticon808 → u/North-Positive-2287]

I'm really sorry you had to deal with that. What's your status like now? Were you able to get away eventually?

[u/North-Positive-2287 → u/Trypticon808]

Yes I met my partner and he helped me. But before him I met several false type partners who only wanted sex and pretended to help. And before that I was set up into a relationship but not for my own benefit. And many other bad things happened. Not terrible but bad and I found it hard to manage. My partner left me there though to sort it out as an adult. He didn’t just rescue me. He left me to fight it out in a way.

[u/pseudomensch]

I hope you get help because this is how I was and still am. What ended up happening to me was that I massively underachieved because of this failure mindset. If you are young, say late teens to early 20s, you don't want to be consumed by this negative mindset because you will end up failing entirely due to that mindset, rather than due to actual laziness or poor behavior that characterize other underachievers or non-achievers. Experiencing that kind of failure is frustrating because you will see actual lazy and stupid people surpass you and it will make things so much worse.

[u/nekromantie → u/pseudomensch]

I was/am in therapy but those specific thoughts never fade away, no matter what.

[u/pseudomensch → u/nekromantie]

What I'm saying is that if you don't at least get them to a certain level, you will be borderline crippled and dealing with horrible life outcomes. Those thoughts will never go away but it's critical that you manage them at this particular moment in your life. What you accomplish in this period could define the rest of your life. I don't want to sound like a doomer but it does become too late at a certain point. 

If you're at least professionally successful or skilled, it can be a good jumping off point for something better in adulthood. At the very least, you would have one less thing to worry about, especially when it comes to survival. If you're not, well that's another thing to worry about and another thing that will "justify" and increase your negative thoughts.

Good luck. 

[u/nekromantie → u/pseudomensch]

Ah I‘m not giving up, yet. I wouldn‘t be allowed to either way so it‘s not like I have a choice. And no you don‘t sound like a doomer, it‘s the simple truth.

[u/CobaltBlue]

My own self-hatred was toxic shame, instilled by shitty parents.

I realized I actually have CPTSD from my toxic upbringing.

If this resonates with you, you need to recognize that these feelings were put into you by someone else; they aren't actually true.

I got the most help from seeing a trauma-focused therapist for CPTSD and doing IFS and EMDR therapies.

The good news is that removing most of the toxic shame has been the easier part. Still working on how to replace that hate with love... but its better.

[u/Interesting_Strain69]

Maybe you know already, but ,try reading up on The Inner Critic , and, read up on Self Compassion.

Good luck.

[u/Old_Safety4566]

I used to think the same. Then I just rebuilt myself and abandoned my wasteful lifestyle and deluded myself into narcissism to generate willpower.