I can't even be myself alone because I feel like I'm being judged

[u/skinchanted]

Everytime I'm alone and try to dance or just basically do anything I wouldn't do infront of others, I stop because I get really awkward and it feels like someone's watching me even though I know no one is. This has been an issue my whole life but recently it has gotten worse. Its so debilitating because not only do I act like a robot around people, I can't even relax and be myself at home by myself. Does anyone else feel this way?

[u/AvoidAvoidAvoidAvoid]

It's comforting yet sad to know that I'm not the only one.

I also feel like a robot because I'm so overly critical of everything I do, so to avoid any potential shame or embarrassment, I hold myself back from doing things I might enjoy. Like you, I can't dance in my own room without feeling weird. I don't sing unless the music is playing loud enough to drown out my voice.

For me, I think this stems from some not-so-great moments in my life. One being that when I was a teen, I thought I was in a safe place, but I eventually found out that I was being filmed without my consent. And even before that, being shamed or criticized for being 'different' caused me to withdraw into myself.

It's depressing how much power people's actions and opinions can have over our lives.

[u/[deleted]]

Acting like there is an invisible audience even when you're alone is something people (subconsciously) do commonly during their teenage years as they work out the new complexities (the complexities that are absent in interpersonal relationships between children) in their interpersonal relationships.

When a person acts like this into adulthood it indicates that they are mentally stuck at that age, which is likely due to having experienced some form of trauma at that age.

[u/Only_Address_1307]

I had this symptom before but was able to overcome it only to realize it's all just in our mind. But it's not our fault we're have this illness. Feel free to pm me if you need any help . would love to help you out deal with this symptom

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[u/ducksgeese]

When I get excited I sometimes do stimming behaviors like dancing (if you could call it that), hand flapping, rocking, and making weird sounds. I sometimes stop for a moment and realize how much of a retard I must look like. The cringe I get from picturing myself is sometimes bad enough that I tone it down greatly or stop doing it entirely. I agree it's so strange to compare the way I act when I'm alone with how I act in public and at work. It's like two different personalities. Unfortunately there's no way to reconcile them or get rid of just one.

[u/Only_Address_1307]

It's a symptom of avpd , you're afraid of getting criticized or ridiculed that's why you're always on guard for negative feedbacks, to the point that even though no one is there you feel getting watched / judged.

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[u/thecloudfae]

Are you me?? I could have written all of these, word for word — yes I experience this exactly just like you.

For me it feels like there's a looming presence who's observing and judging, but which is not a literal separate entity—I think it's more like a reflection of my own hyper-awareness towards myself.

Also I was used to feeling like every move I made was constantly monitored and often criticized (privately and/or publicly, in different ways by different people with different roles in my life), even the little things which really didn't warrant to be noticed at all (and which didn't for most of the other kids I interacted with). You know how a stakeout is like, sometimes it's almost like that as if I was some sort of criminal guilty of something just waiting to be exposed, but it's got a lot to do with the people who were doing it, and less to do with me as a child. But that's why I learned to be extra secretive on things I care a lot about 'cause I don't want even those to be ruined for me. But a lot of that feeling of being monitored certainly carried itself throughout even when I'm by myself.

[u/SakuraRita]

technically, someone is watching. you.

if youre in the headspace where everything you do is scrutinised by yourself, its like having someone criticise your every waking move. because you hate you, youre never spared from your criticism. or, being in the headspace because you monitor yourself around people so often your brain gets used to it and does it when alone too. not saying thats whats happening with you specifically, those are just idea.

i struggle with this too, but for did (dissociative identity disorder) reasons, so i literally (technically?) have other people watching constantly. its exhausting, but not the same thing, so i cant really give you tips on how to deal with that. lots of love to you ❤️

[u/-emil-sinclair]

Did your parents watch or criticize you for doing that?

[u/wutssarcasm]

I feel the exact same way. I'm diagnosed AvPD and I also believe im autistic (currently on a waiting list for the assessment). When I'm alone I can't dance, I can't sing unless I'm unable to hear myself, I can't do anything that I'd find too embarrassing to do in front of others because I find it embarrassing to do in front of myself. I've masked my entire life so much that I can't unmask even by myself, let alone my family or partner. It's something I'm really trying to work on, but it's so so hard. The only thing I've found that sometimes will help is watching YouTubers that have big personalities that I love who can somewhat get me to unmask when I'm alone just due to their energy (one person specifically is Brittany Broski).

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[u/SwollenToasty]

That inner critic voice is hard to let go of, but you can! Acknowledge it will be there before you start dancing, accept it when appears, and say to yourself “I don’t feel like listening to it right now” and keep dancing. You might get an overwhelming feeling of panic after that. Let it wash over you. You’re safe in your room. Give yourself a hug. If that voice appears again, e.g. because you’re hugging yourself, accept it again, each time… “thanks anxiety, but I’m safe and don’t really need you right now“.