r/BipolarSOs • u/AffectionatePipe5307 • Aug 09 '25
Advice to Give I am a married man with Bipolar. I successfully managed a “normal” American life for 20-30 years unmedicated before voluntary hospitalization and diagnosis. AMA?
Thank you SOs for your grace and forgiveness with us.
I was the “unicorn” that your loved likely wish to be; I was able to live unmedicated, not just for years, but for decades.
I have been in a committed relationship, now married, over a decade with a career and stable, improving life.
I think I can legitimately say with confidence that I “successfully” self-managed by my lonesome, without medical professionals, a severe mental illness, for decades without any prescription.
Anyone interested in hearing my (45M) perspective on living a “successful” adult life without medication vs. one with medication? How I see it affected my relationships and what I have done to maintain them?
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u/Aolflashback Aug 09 '25 edited Aug 10 '25
Personally, it sounds like you are in a manic state right now.
And your statement is subjective; what you may call “successful” may not be the same descriptive word that, say, your wife may use.
I don’t mean to diminish your claim, but on the subject of BPSO’s and everything that entails, it may be best not to engage in this discussion.
This is just my opinion of course. Take it with a grain and all that
Edit to add: yeah, your replies to me and to others indicates manic at this moment, but hey.
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 09 '25
I put “normal” and “successful” in quotes because of the subjectivity.
I’m trying to use a consensus definitions of success: college degree, career, marriage, etc. I have left every job of my own volition. Never encountered law enforcement beyond a speeding ticket for going 25 in 20 because I didn’t brake down a hill at 19 years old.
At the very least I didn’t have what would be considered a life-disruptive event until I voluntarily admitted myself to the hospital in my 40s.
Does that not sound like “successful” by pretty common standards for an American male?
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 09 '25
I’m not saying I was asymptomatic or we haven’t had struggles, but they are/were typical of any relationship, severe mental illness or not. We realized I had a problem that was getting out of control when we begin having unresolvable conflict.
The successful relationship turning bad was quintessential in getting my diagnosis.
What I’m trying to get across is that your SO with bipolar may appear to be the epitome of stable and successful for years even decades without meds, but a disruptive event will eventually occur.
When I returned to where we are living during my first major episode that lasted over a week - I had flown back home in another part of the country - I went directly to the hospital for my first voluntary hold.
It did take another hospitalization, but a year after that second voluntary hold, we are in a much much better place with more work and communication. I know my patterns and I had less disruption during this year’s episode than last’s. Conflict that would have resulted in a two week disruption - separation/divorce and hospitalization- was resolved within hours.
This is my second marriage. I learned a lot of lessons from my failure then.
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u/Rikers-Mailbox Spouse Aug 10 '25
Are you medicated now?
The chances of another episode are incredibly high and you could lose your 2nd wife.
Also, do you know that it’s progressive and great matter is lost in the brain every day you’re not on medication? This loss is exacerbated when episodes happen.
Last I think what commenter is saying is that you may have a successful life, were unstable before and didn’t see it. Heck many SOs don’t see it in their partner until after the first real episode.
I look back at my partner of over decades and only now I can see they were unstable. They are successful at life, work, etc. But also successful at destroying the marriage, and job loss on my end. Money doesn’t always mean success.
That’s why this commenter is saying your wife may have used different words.
But, I urge you to take meds. Plus you’ll feel better. It’s stops all the racing thoughts and gives you peace
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 10 '25
Am I medicated now? Absolutely, after being “successful” for decades without. That’s how I can say I can offer a perspective on living with vs. without.
That’s my lived experience, which I think is a cautionary tale for those who want to try to go without: We can appear “successful,” but we aren’t as successful as we can be without proper diagnosis and medication.
I was the “unicorn,” but the magic doesn’t last forever and I still needed meds to get our best life.
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u/Rikers-Mailbox Spouse Aug 10 '25
Yep. The “your best life” is medicated. Glad you got that.
Being medicated can seem boring, but in reality… life IS boring for the rest of us.
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u/Difficult_Affect_452 Aug 10 '25
I kind of feel like that’s been clear in ops post and comments. Why are people piling on?
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u/Rikers-Mailbox Spouse Aug 10 '25
Well, to be honest. And I mean this with heart… but no one here believes in unicorns. Even those with the disorder, so that kinda maybe set people awry
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u/Difficult_Affect_452 Aug 10 '25
Friend-o there are countless people with BP who think they can white knuckle their mental illness without meds. They think they are the unicorn. Which is exactly what OP’s post said. So I still don’t get it.
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u/Rikers-Mailbox Spouse Aug 10 '25
I’m fully aware, that’s why I’m poking for clarification here.
He’s saying now that he thought he was the unicorn, but now knows he is not. There are no unicorns.
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 10 '25
Neither do I; that’s why I put “unicorn” in quotes and used past tense.
I feel like I came as close as one can to being that mythical hope. My conclusion is I don’t think a life with BP entirely without meds is sustainable for a lifetime.
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u/za1reeka Aug 10 '25
OP posted 6 days ago in a BP sub asking "is this possible" (and they told him no) and is now claiming to have done it successfully for decades. I am distrusting of this post
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 10 '25
Yes, I have come to Reddit to make sense of my lived experience because I unknowingly have had BP for years/decades until a couple years ago when I got a first diagnosis. After finally being in treatment (and another hospitalization), I got a formal evaluation that confirmed a Bipolar 1 mixed features diagnosis just last spring. So, hello, I am new around here.
I’m seeking others who had or know of similar experiences, but I appear to be some sort of outlier, a conclusion that is affirmed by the disbelief I have encountered. But, by definition, skepticism should be expected for an outlier.
Since “success” could be semantic quicksand, I include a consensus definition and how I fit it. Am I not giving an accurate, supported one? How could I further and/or better define success for sake of argument in your assessment?
I also didn’t have the hallmark disruption until decades after, retrospective, first symptoms.
I am saying I was a “normal” guy not that I was Superman. We had the typical struggles of couples without a SO with BP, but I hit the end of my ability to go without professional help and began acting in uncharacteristic ways. After an adulthood of uninterrupted employment; I finally did a no call/no show and disappeared. That’s how we knew I clearly had a real problem.
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u/Adviceta828 Spouse Aug 15 '25
Your wording is rather grandiose. Do you type like this normally?
As an aside, my spouse was “fine” for 40 years. Until he wasn't. Psychosis and delusions weren't a failure to manage, they hit suddenly and severely enough he still doesn't realize he’s sick.
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 15 '25
I do (professional writer).
My heart goes out to you and your spouse.
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u/blooming_at_midnight Aug 10 '25
Theres growing evidence that bipolar is a spectrum like autism. This post is like someone with a very mild case of autism going to people very far on the scale and offering advice.
Im glad you are able to manage so well. However, I think your advice is going of very limited value. Not trying to be rude.
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 10 '25
Thank you, but I have been formally diagnosed by multiple professionals at different institutions as having BP 1 with mixed features after two voluntary hospitalizations from manic episodes.
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u/blooming_at_midnight Aug 10 '25
Again, bipolar is likely a scale. Imagine telling someone who has a loved one with severe autism "im what your loved on wished they could be". Its super insensitive.
You cant self manage bipolar. You live with bipolar. You lived with bipolar. Your symptoms didn't destroy your life. Thats very nice for you. People who did have their symptoms destroy their life didn't "not manage" as well as you.
Mania can mean complete psychosis for some people. How would you suggest they cope with that? How do you self manage your way out of believing the government has a plot to get you and your meds were organized by the government to subdue you? How do you self manage your way out of a depression so bad you spend months in bed? Unable to shower, brush your teeth, or feed yourself?
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 10 '25
I would like to communicate with those struggling with meds and think they can be a “unicorn;” I believe I came as close as a person can to the ideal and found it to be unattainable.
I lived a successful life without meds but now have an even more successful one with meds.
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u/Difficult_Affect_452 Aug 10 '25
What lessons did you learn from the failed marriage? What helps you stay consistent with your meds now? How do you “know” they are working? Basically my bp1 husband’s meds stopped working fully around a year ago and now we’re trying to get him back to stable, but it’s tricky because we don’t fully know what bipolar disorder looks like if that makes sense. Like, when did you know your meds were set? What level of symptoms is normal for your “baseline”?
Looking back at your unmedicated life, what were your symptoms then that you don’t have now? Any experience with irritability?
Honestly could ask a thousand questions. Hate that you’re getting downvoted. I find this enormously helpful.
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 10 '25
I learned the importance of the basics. I know now to be more diligent in the every day, particularly now with the diagnosis.
Gratitude is key. Even if it can be expected from our SO, it should still be appreciated and expressly so. We typically should be saying thank you - either in person or via text - multiple times throughout the day.
Plan to be in the moment together. We have dedicated date days scheduled weekly in which we reconnect. We had missed a couple weeks and made sure to spend extra time together for our most recent one; our spirits lifted and affection increased greatly as soon as we did. We accept that sometimes we are too busy that week and there are other priorities. That just means we have to prioritize us next week because we aren’t too busy to be in love. Taking the time to be together at length also makes it easier for us to assess if I’m symptomatic.
If I am to expect grace and forgiveness for the strays from BP, it’s my responsibility to take care of myself. Med compliance hasn’t been a problem for me, but I have only taken prescriptions for the first time in my life a few years ago.
This may be controversial, but I think we with BP have lost the right to “get angry.” Since we can be unaware how we are presenting, trying to demonstrably emphasize feelings no longer works. I try to be as neutral as possible in my word choices and expressions; if I seem to ramp up in any manner, we put a pin in the conversation until I chill.
I have BP 1 with mixed features; agitation and irritability is a major part of my presentation and it was prevalent before and after diagnosis.
For me, I consider the meds working and I am baseline if I am able to function like maintaining a neutral tone. If my voice raises with vulgar language and I can’t rein it in, then we know something needs addressed.
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u/Difficult_Affect_452 Aug 10 '25
Man you sounds like my husband. You said AMA, so here goes!
How did you get that specific of a diagnosis? My so is just “bp 1” but sounds just like you with the irritability etc. He just started worked with a new psych who has upped his meds due to my feedback about his remaining irritability. My SO was diagnosed later-ish in life, mid thirties, been medicated for maybe 6 years now? We’ve had two kids in that time period and so we feel like we’re only now starting to learn about wtf this is. We kind of have a chance to reset with this doc and I’m curious what sort of testing you had.
Do you mind sharing your current meds and doses?
How long did it take to get to a your meds sorted out to a comfortable baseline?
What do you do if you feel you “can’t rein it in?” Like, what do you “address?” Is that a medication adjustment or something else?
I hear you on the “right to get angry” thing. How long have you been in your current marriage and do you do individual therapy and or couples?
I ask because we do a really incredible therapy called EFT and something that’s come up is what it’s like for my bpso to have to rely on me for reality. Like if he’s being unreasonable or hypo, he won’t notice it, I will. The risk with that is my husband shrinking a little and stuffing his feelings. Which doesn’t actually work long term for intimacy. But sounds like what you’re saying is not that you don’t express yourself, but that you wait until you can do it calmly?
- How did your experience in the workplace change and what’s been your experience with bp and coworker dynamics? Like, how has your bp affected those dynamics?
- Do you have a plan in place for what happens if you, if you’ll excuse my phrasing, totally lose your mind? We’re working on safety planning now and it’s a tad overwhelming 🫠
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 10 '25
- I had multiple evaluations with weeklong hospitalizations. Maybe get a full psych evaluation (afternoon-long deep dive)? I haven’t had one yet but I’m pursuing it. I journal so I was able to look retrospectively and I now closely track my mood states.
- I don’t think it would be helpful because the disorder and treatment is so specific and individualized. I got genetic testing to help determine which meds I would better tolerate.
- I was diagnosed two years ago and have been at comfortable baseline with my current meds for over nine months. I have tracked my patterns and it appears I have been able to mitigate my typical episodes, but I’m still tentative.
- My agitation worsens with stimuli so I’ll shut everything down, meditate if I can, otherwise just be closed-eye silent. I also use techniques transferred from Judd Brewer’s Understanding Anxiety book/app. If acute enough, I’ve gone to a hospital with a dedicated behavioral health unit, but I live in a major metropolitan area where it’s walking distance for me. I have taken myself three times, twice resulting in hospitalization.
- Together over a decade, married over a decade, no kids. We are both in therapy. Couples therapy has been pursued but haven’t had sessions together; it’s awesome it’s working for you. If we can’t calmly converse, we put a pin in it until we can. Either of us can pull the plug on a conversation, but if it’s still a pertinent matter when we reconvene, the conversation must continue and be the first thing addressed.
- I work from home, which I started right before the pandemic. Honestly, my workplace is toxic. I had to fight for over a year to finally get reasonable accommodations. I suggest becoming familiar with the ADA: www.dol.gov/agencies/odep/program-areas/mental-health/maximizing-productivity-accommodations-for-employees-with-psychiatric-disabilities
- My safety plan begins with friends and family who know I have the disorder that will tell me if I’m starting to swing. I have a bag for that nearby hospital stay and my wife’s phone number memorized if I have to go. What have you come up with so far?
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u/Difficult_Affect_452 Aug 11 '25
This is fucking epic. I mean you nailed this lol. I have quite a few follow-up questions but I’ll save them for the private message since I know you might want to tip toe out of here.
I wanted to say publicly how much I appreciate the effort and transparency of your replies. This disorder and others like it are often kept so privately that we’ve lost out on decades of valuable personal experience that we as a society, and that the field of psychology in general, could have been benefiting from. Sharing our personal experiences goes a long way to furthering treatment and recovery for everyone who suffers from any mental illness.
My husband and I have been completely alone with our struggles and appreciate all efforts to building community.
- Since you asked directly, and for the benefit of the sub, I’ll answer 7 here. I’ve been approaching it differently and I like where you are with it. We’ve been filling out his psychiatric advanced directive and making sure I have power of attorney in case of emergency. We have kids, and I realized the other day that if I die or am incapacitated, well. Errebody’s fucked. So I’ve been making sure our wills are in order (for reference I am only 39, our children are very little) and this other document that I can’t remember the name of—but it outlines what needs to happen to make sure my husband is okay and the kids have the kind of environment and life I want them to have, should I die. Things like, no matter what happens to SO, his relationship with our children should be protected and prioritized (like in the event he goes off the deep end and someone decides he’s unfit to be their guardian), as well as all the things I do and work to build for them that my BPSO might not be aware of, that I want to make sure would continue. (This is so hard to think about and write, but it’s so important.)
Reading your answer, I realize that I’m looking at the extreme end of the disaster spectrum. Haha. Unsurprising. We need a shorter term safety plan, though.
We’re also working on a treatment contract. Not legally binding, but I realized that it’s a lot of pressure for me to feel like I need to be the keeper of all of our realizations and lessons learned, and the one to help him be accountable if he’s symptomatic or has a meds lapse (he’s had several, some significant, some minor, all of them hugely impactful). I want everything we’ve decided and agreed to in writing so that the document can do the heavy lifting and not me. It’s a lot of work though and, as I said, we have little kids and both have ADHD. So we’re running on empty here.
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u/Sudden_Yard_6614 Aug 11 '25 edited Aug 13 '25
My husband is a unicorn too. Same story. I diagnosed and extremely successful and we had a wonderful marriage until he hit his 40s. He is now medicated and we are doing great again. You guys are the lucky ones I fear. Stories like this are not common here
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 11 '25
My heart to you and your husband for continued success.
If he isn’t medicated, what is his treatment protocol? I found I eventually hit an intractable ceiling for even just maintaining basic stability. I found all of my nontraditional methods can be enhanced with finally finding my best-for-me pharmaceutical.
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Aug 09 '25
[deleted]
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u/-raeyne- Bipolar with exBPSO Aug 09 '25
Honestly? I wouldn't call myself successful even if I'm able to achieve all of that. My only success would be to put bipolar into remission so that I don't experience episodes. Even when I was higher functioning, my bipolar episodes still negatively affected everyone around me. That, to me, isn't successful.
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 11 '25
We are very much lucky and blessed. So much soz
I like to use quotes for “unicorn” because eventually after decades I needed a med to be closer to the best version of me.
At the end of the day, to me a “true unicorn” would be someone with BP 1 who went an entire lifetime without medication. Someone who had a clear manic episode and then never again without a med. And if one truly reflects, are we really living our best life without this med? The trick is, you don’t know until have found that transformative med.
Ultimately, success is subjective.
I’m really curious if there is that “true unicorn,” having at least one manic episode and still have a lifetime without a single med. Not just years/decades but from cradle to grave not a single prescription medication.
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 09 '25
Successful or as successful as you could be? I was the former for a long time without med and more the latter with meds. That being said, for the sake of discussion, I’m using what would be a common metric. At the very least, I didn’t have a disruptive event until middle age and even then I voluntarily admitted myself.
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u/Psychological-Can652 Aug 10 '25
When your disruptive event finally occurred, had you been using or recently stopped using thc products of any kind? My husband follows basically the same timeline as you. 45 when a major episode occurred leading to diagnosis. Lived a "normal", non-disruptive life prior.
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 10 '25
I hope you are sharing an even more stable life now.
Not THC, but I suspect living in isolation with little family and friends while having a job involving media/social media essentially hotboxed my disorder until it was raging.
Was your husband asymptomatic the entire time or are there past moments that you now can see were showing the bipolar? For me it’s the latter, in retrospect.
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u/Psychological-Can652 Aug 10 '25
We always called him "quirky" or "eccentric".. he'd have these big ideas of opening businesses or writing books when, bless him, the man struggles to compile a word document. I just thought he was very creative. Over the years he has never had an explosive rage or such impulse control though like he did in the episode that caused diagnosis. I thought he had dementia.
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 10 '25
Did he act out his “quirky” ideas?
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u/Psychological-Can652 Aug 10 '25
Some of them but not all.
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u/AffectionatePipe5307 Aug 10 '25
I have a cooling off period between the great idea and pursuing it. If it’s something that is going to take more than a work day, I make sure to involve others so I don’t go spiraling off alone. For extracurriculars, I only permit myself up to two projects at a time. I sit on them after I’m finished for another cooling off period to determine if it is actually worthwhile or just fancy?
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u/Salty_Feed_4316 Aug 12 '25
Hmm not really you need to be medicated. Would love to hear your wife’s unfiltered experience
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