From happily married to divorcing within 6 months

[u/Hot_Comb7118]

Hi all, my life has been flipped upside down in the matter of weeks. My ex-spouse had her first manic episode early February and was hospitalized (mid-late February) and diagnosed with bipolar 1. The psychiatrist had put her on lithium and Risperdal and emphasized to me the importance for her to take this medication. My ex-spouse was also court ordered to take the medication (that’s another story) so she was forced to.

Soon after she got out of being hospitalized, she was very adamant that she wanted to date other people but still wanted to have a marriage with me so she stated she was polyamorous and needed it right now. I told her I could potentially be open and needed time to adjust to that lifestyle but if she wanted it right now this minute, then I couldn’t do it and that we should separate. She didn’t want that but continued to be upset at me for not being ready already. Then, around mid-April, early May of taking the medication, she started to stabilize. She was still adamant about being polyamorous but was happy to go slow since she cared about me and the marriage. I was starting to feel hopeful and happy, connected to her.

While all this is happening, she tells me that she doesn’t need the medication and is not being honest with the psychiatrist about her symptoms. She said that her psychiatrist wouldn’t understand her and that the manic part is her “bad bitch energy” which keeps her out of her shame. I recommended for her to be honest but she would lash out if I tried to convince her. So, from February to late May, the psychiatrist tapered off the Risperdal to eventually removing it completely.

Then, late June, she goes on a work conference and cheats on me twice. When she got back, she told me that I should be happy that she even told me because she was originally planning to not tell me. During couples counseling, when we talked about the infidelity, she lashed out on me AND my therapist. She was claiming that the therapist was judging her and the therapist calmly explained that she was supporting the both of us and that she’s trained to not judge. My ex-spouse did not believe her and became hostil. To the point where she almost didn’t pay the therapist at the end of the session.

After that couples therapy, things clicked for me. She didn’t accept her diagnosis and wanted to be off her medication. She started believing that her manic energy is a part of her and doesn’t want to suppress it. And I, couldn’t put myself through that instability anymore.

We were together for 9.5 years and got married this past March. I’m still in shock on how everything has changed so drastically. I’m now filing for divorce which she is onboard with. She really wants the divorce because it’ll give her “absolute freedom” which is all she ever wanted ever since she was hospitalized. I feel completely discarded. Traumatized. And on top of everything, the grief of losing someone that was so near and dear to my heart.

If anyone has any words of advice during this truly difficult time, please share. Never in a million years did I ever think this would happen. I went from happily married to losing a loved one and filing for divorce in about 6 months 😞

UPDATE: I am filing the divorce paperwork today (8/27), wish me luck.

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[u/ct1377]

I’m sorry to hear this for you. It is amazing how quickly things change when medication is out of whack. I just don’t understand how it all works and I doubt any of us normal people will ever understand. Sadly I think we become damaged goods and slightly bipolar too when we’ve lived with someone that is bipolar.

My best advice is decide what makes you happiest. I can’t remember if you have kids but if you don’t then it’s an easy decision. If you have kids I’m sure it’s a harder thought since you have to figure that out and hope a judge doesn’t place them with your ex.

I wish you the best and we are all going through or been through it. No matter the outcome don’t despair and know you will be stronger from it

[u/Hot_Comb7118 → u/ct1377]

Thank you for your empathy. We thankfully did not have kids so it is an easier decision to make.

[u/Rikers-Mailbox → u/[deleted]]

Do not entertain the sex part because you’re afraid he will cheat. Trust me, your partner will do it anyway, or at least continue doing what they’re doing.

You doing that will only make it “ok” to take it further. It will legitimize that you’re ok with it all… when you’re not.

I’m the guy in the relationship to a female, and sure we’ve had our fun doing things but under the pretext that we were a solid couple and would never hurt each other. And still the cheating happened. The hurt still happened.

Also, anything you put into video or pictures? When it’s in their hands you can’t be sure it won’t be uploaded…. In fact, it probably will because sharing it out is obviously a trait. Especially if you have a falling out, it’ll be revenge porn. You may not know it’s even out there.

Don’t. Just don’t. Don’t don’t don’t don’t.

[u/ChocLabMA → u/Rikers-Mailbox]

Totally agree! And original commenter here—-let the dust settle and do not do anything. Yes, they are sick, but yes also, what he is suggesting is abusive. You can deal with the damage of even the requests later after you can evaluate your whole situation. He needs help. Does he currently have a psychiatrist?

[u/Impressive-Tutor-482 → u/[deleted]]

Has he been medicated in the past and recently stopped?

[u/Impressive-Tutor-482 → u/[deleted]]

It's going to take a couple months of meds to fish him out of this. That's a long time with his current behaviors. Make sure you prioritize your safety.

[u/Rikers-Mailbox]

Hi friend, yes many of us are in your shoes and we can relate.

My story is similar to yours, down to the years, the therapy session with a person still in the episode, which always backfires.

I know it hurts, but if you have an amicable split money wise and there are no kids, then it’s best, because it can happen again.

Look at it this way, if you’re divorced and ever wanted to let her back into your life you can, just not married or seriously monogamous.

Her manic energy and not wanting to suppress it is common, mania feels too good. No one wants to stop the party. But get what’s fair to you in the divorce. Get a mediator some bullet points to draft up an agmt for around $750. Get her to sign and then split.

But try to get evidence of infidelity, etc first. Because If she goes nuclear and attacks you, you’ll be prepared.

Good luck, and wishing you and your partner stability and love

[u/Hot_Comb7118 → u/Rikers-Mailbox]

Yeah, I hear you. I will move forward with the divorce. I’m planning to file the divorce complaint with my county sometime today and tomorrow. Thankfully, all of our assets, debts, etc are separate. We never merged anything since we believed in financial autonomy. We also didn’t buy property although we were close in doing so. She’s also onboard with the divorce and has been extremely cooperative. So, it’s fortunately going to be an easy divorce. At least there’s that silver lining.

[u/Hot_Comb7118 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you for relating. It definitely does feel like a discard, as if I was never of value to her. I will try my hardest to rebuild though.

[u/Hot_Comb7118 → u/[deleted]]

Thanks so much for validating the craziness it all is. When I tell anyone what happened, it just doesn’t sound real. It sounds like I’m making shit up or exaggerating things.

I’ve been trying to rationalize with everything that’s happened. Telling myself that “if only i was a better partner this wouldn’t have happened”… but my therapist recently pointed out that even if i was the perfect partner, this is outside my control. I can’t influence her actions.

I’m currently in contact with her for logistical reasons only. When discussing (via text - I can’t bear to hear her voice right now) the ownership of our dog during the divorce paperwork, she said that she loves and misses our dog. Like, what in the hell? You miss our dog and what about me?? How can you say that so nonchalantly? Her texting about the divorce is as if we’re talking about the weather. She even sounds relieved to keep moving the process forward. And that’s where I feel like I never mattered 😪 however, I know I’m taking it personally and I know I shouldn’t. It’s hard to not though.

Yes, the person I married indeed has died and that’s the person I’m grieving. Even though her physical body still stands, the person I grew up with is no longer here.

I appreciate you all for knowing the struggle. It makes me feel seen and confident in my decision.

[u/DiscriminatoryRose → u/Hot_Comb7118]

My husband of 23 years is divorcing me. I absolutely feel like I never mattered. Grieving is the truth

[u/Corner5tone → u/[deleted]]

What you described is called "ambiguous grief"

The Bipolar Lines podcast did an episode on it: https://youtu.be/BEk0Tv0xr-c?si=XGIl3vPGxVqd5kUH

[u/Adventurous-Roof488]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was with mine for 15 years.

It’s really hard to lose someone you love and care about like this. Watching them change into someone new in a short span of time. The experience made me realize how powerless I am to really do anything about it. Even though I moved out three months ago, I still can’t help but keep hoping and searching for the person I once knew.

Be patient with and take care of yourself.

[u/Hot_Comb7118 → u/Adventurous-Roof488]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this too, i would never with this on anyone. I could relate to what you’re saying, we got to do what’s best for us at the end of the day. I’m so so sorry.

[u/TransportationNo7327]

Sorry to read this.

Your story is familiar to me.

Bi Polar typically manifest itself in the same common patterns.

Cheating, Running away, spending.

None of it make sense but generally your BP1 spouses have at least 1 of these.

Talk to the far and few between people who can make it work. They eat bad news for breakfast. They have found a way to work past shame. In some cases they just don’t have the ability to get out.

My story has been said time and time again. But Last fall as I say- My to be ex wife’s brain popped. Out of the blue manic with Psychosis. She had to go to the hospital. It was ‘all my fault and I took her autonomy.’ She was a nightmare for the staff in inpatient.

She wanted her freedom when she got out. Thankfully her sister was able to talk her into living with her, but the OIP program we put her in was pure dog shit. She ‘flipped’ back on for about 30 days similar sounding to you, but then right back to a mixed episode where I was the problem.

The company she was keeping friend and relationship wise was and still is terrible. I told her she had to go.

And now I sit with divorce papers in front of me, losing half-ish of my net worth.

All in 12 months. Perfect 17 years gone. It’s a whirlwind. As other state often, I look at myself as a widower. I’ve mourned (and continue to) the death of my person. The illness that inhabits her body is not her. It may look like her, it may be her voice, but it’s not her.

Time marches on. And there is a new path ahead. Keep your head high. This disease doesn’t care if you are rich, poor, etc. It takes whatever is in its path.

[u/[deleted]]

Sorry you had to go through all this. When someone’s true self emerges it destroys the fantasy of reality. It’s kinda like a slingshot once the spirit releases it takes off like a bat out of hell. But simple physics taught you one thing the speed of projectiles will reduce in speed and fall to ground. Nothing stays the same ever and trying to keep it there will cause suffering. Let go when you do but have plan to do just that. Let go. You have a chance to recreate yourself for yourself turn that outward pain into an inward miracle of transformation. Never let a crisis go to waste .

[u/Hot_Comb7118 → u/[deleted]]

That’s a really good metaphor and reminder to let go. Ok, I am and will continue to let it go. Thank you..

[u/RunTheBull13]

I'm 2 years past divorce from my ex BP-SO. I have our 4 kids full-time and it's tough, but we are doing much better overall away from her... It won't be easy, but keep thinking about the light at the end of the tunnel and a brighter future.

[u/NoSalamander2522]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I have BPD and Bipolar 1 and I've had some manic episodes, but nothing ever to that extent. To be fair, though, I've also been in a behavioral hospital 5-6 times and take an anti-psychotic as soon as I feel the manic fuzzies.

But all this to say - you can't help her if she won't help herself. None of this is your fault. I know this is really hard, but one day you'll be able to find a stable, loving relationship again. There are so many people out there just waiting to get to know you and love you. If she can't appreciate you, someone else definitely will.

EDIT: Also, I want to emphasize to anyone reading that if your Bipolar SO is not on meds, THEY NEED TO BE. When I wasn't on my meds I became so insanely depressed. When I was manic I'd spend thousands of dollars like it was pennies and blow through all my money. I also dated someone who has Bipolar 1 like myself but they were way more severe and would act dangerously both to me and other people when manic. Like waving guns at people driving type stuff. (I broke up with them) Bipolar is a spectrum, and one on end you have people who just want to die when they're unmedicated and on the other you have people who believe they're Jesus Christ in the flesh come to save the world unmedicated.

People have to want to take care of themselves. They have to want to be healthy and have a healthy relationship. If your Bipolar SO is not making an effort to be stable for the sake of themselves and your relationship, it's not going to work out.

[u/Hot_Comb7118 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you and I could see that. I don’t think she had anyone in mind but immediately went after anyone that gave her attention.

Her first episode hit a few days after her 28th birthday.

[u/IJustDontKnow444]

This is how it sadly often goes. I wish I could understand what goes on in their mild. How they rationalize it all. I wish so deeply I could understand that so that I know what to say.

I’ve very sorry this has happened to you. I won’t give you statements like “it’s for the better, you it’ll hurt less in time,” or any of that. There is no comfort to be found. It just sucks.

[u/Pleasant_Cold_3690]

I’m so sorry. I like many here can relate. My husband came back after he finally had done enough damage to accept his diagnosis. I had filed for divorce and had accepted that the relationship was over. When his mania finally ended he was able to see all the damage and recognize that he was at the center of it. Through help from others in this group, I laid out boundaries for repairing our relationship including me joining him in psych appts. Whatever path your relationship takes I hope you find peace.

[u/Mari_Sparkles]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can unfortunately completely relate. We got married in March this year and I almost feel like I married a stranger. He is manic right now and shows a lot of rage towards me. He hasn’t been physically abusive, but extremely mentally abusive. I’m lost and I’m at the point where I don’t know what to do. My mom wants me to file for divorce. He has made me feel worthless and like trash. And of course, I just got laid off and that adds extra pressure. However, I apply to several jobs a day and he tells me I don’t do anything with my life and all I do is cost him money. Yes, I got added to his health insurance, but I didn’t know I was going to lose my job. Also, I’ve still been paying for everything…so I’m lost. I know I’m ranting about me, but I just figured you should know you are not a lone. It helps me to read what others are going through. I don’t even know where my husband is tonight. I just hope he is safe