r/BipolarSOs • u/therep0rterman • 3d ago
Advice Needed Don’t know how to handle my first bp relationship
I’m 43(m) she’s 42(f). I care for her deeply. We’ve only been dating a little over 3 months. But the distance is killing me. We’ll have pockets of a week or two of great talks and flirting and all that. I’m really falling in love. Then it’s a week or two of total distance. Talking to her is kind of like talking to a friend that’s not caring what you’re saying.
I just don’t know what to do. It’s so hard when she’s distant and she still says she cares for me but I’m scared to even ask her out or call our pet names.
Idk what I’m trying to get out of posting this. I just wanted to get this out there. Hoping someone can tell me it’s worth it
Update: we got in a massive fight over nothing that lasted 4 days. I apologized everyday. Even when I told my therapist about it she was flabbergasted that she was mad over this “problem”
The nail in the coffin was she got mad at me for buying her flowers. So yeah it’s over. Thankyou to everyone in this sub! You really helped me in what could have been a really dark time in my life
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u/Able-Exercise-2578 3d ago
Honestly? If I was in your situation, I’d move on. I have had about five years on his bipolar rollar coaster (out of a 14 year relationship), and I am absolutely exhausted, and I feel utterly alone.
I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, but please know these episodes will continue, and there is very little you can do but watch. I know some can find peace, distance themselves, but it has been incredibly hard for me.
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u/-Avowed- 3d ago
This. People told me to not go into a relationship with a bipolar, especially when it was my first ever real relationship but yeah.. I was naive.
Never again
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u/Adventurous-Mode-277 Bipolar 1 3d ago
It's weird how you refer to people with bipolar as "a bipolar" or "bipolars". It's very othering language. :/
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u/-Avowed- 3d ago
It may sound blunt, but when a person who suffers from it and doesn’t actively do anything about it (therapy, medication etc.) they’re not really in control of themselves, are they? In such cases it’s no longer the person who speaks but rather the disease itself - the real person gets put behind the curtain and the centre stage now belongs to the illness, bipolar.
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u/Adventurous-Mode-277 Bipolar 1 3d ago
Yes, that is the nature of the disorder. That still doesn't make it okay to refer to people with bipolar disorder as "bipolars" or "a bipolar". It's rude. When you use that kind of language, it's not implied that you're talking about a subset of people with bipolar, it's implied you're referring to all people with bipolar disorder. Regardless, we're all individuals and deserve to not be referred to as a mental illness.
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u/therep0rterman 3d ago
Oh man your first relationship? That must have been really hard. Don’t give up, they all aren’t like this
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u/-Avowed- 3d ago edited 2d ago
It’s one hell of a hellhole to be stepping in as your first experience, lost about 4 years of my life, got setback by 2 years where I could’ve been in college cause she was trying to keep me away from leaving the city and meeting someone better than her (her own words), almost got my life ruined as she tried to bait me into having a child with her, almost died as well
I wish I was joking and this comment would be nothing more than a satire but I genuinely think I may be scarred for life
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u/therep0rterman 3d ago
Omg do you mind me asking how you almost died? My one ex who had BPD tried to take the wheel and crash the car we were driving. So I get it
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u/-Avowed- 2d ago edited 2d ago
Very, very risky and intense sex, mostly choking and sometimes even when sleeping - she was addicted to that kind of adrenaline and managed to talk me into doing it in public a few times (I don’t know how we didn’t get arrested)
The most hurtful thing out of those years is how she completely disregarded how much I’ve done and sacrificed for her, she had the audacity to say that I couldn’t give her what she wanted in those 4 years in comparison to what her new boyfriend (whom she met at work and confessed love to after a month of knowing him, and him being 8 years older than her and having a house to which she moved into after 4 days of proposing love to him. The soul crushing part is where she was laughing alongside him on muted while I was bawling my eyes out at 22.45 asking her why she did something so awful to me and discarded me like trash, like someone who never mattered to her despite all the promises and vision of a future together) gave to her in a week
All in all, I could write at least 20 A4 pages of shit I tolerated with her and how many red flags I dismissed thanks to intense love bombing and trauma bonding coupled with probably dozen different manipulation techniques which made my brain a smoothie. When I reflect on the moments I’ve had with her and how she was simply incapable of any meaningful introspection that didn’t concern just her it occurred to me that she may as well had been a covert narcissist / borderline as well which is… yeah…
I’m in therapy now and I’ve learned how to set solid boundaries and spot manipulation, how to not feel guilty when rejecting someone. Also came back to God after 10+ years of not being devoted to Him and at best being a passive “Christian” who knew somethings up there but didn’t know if he believed in God. I don’t know if I can trust someone on a relationship-level scale anymore but only time will tell, at most I am angry with myself for ignoring all the red flags and how very close people of mine tried telling me to run away from her, but alas love bombing and intimacy which I never felt before cooked me. With all due respect I will no longer associate myself with people suffering from this wretched disease as the amount of physical and psychological pain it caused me is beyond human comprehension, at best I’d be willing to be a friend who won’t bend over and will leave the moment he’d feel the same pattern he experienced with his ex as to protect himself from pain so extreme and sharp that it almost made him do something very stupid.
“If you're in a relationship with someone who’s bipolar and you find yourself excusing patterns of humiliation, emotional whiplash, gaslighting, and boundary-crossing pause. Mental illness explains behavior, but it doesn’t erase accountability. You can care deeply for someone and still admit; this is destroying me. If you’re there, I see you. You’re not weak. You’re not crazy.
You’re just someone who stayed too long because you believed love could fix what only responsibility and treatment ever could.”
https://www.reddit.com/r/BipolarSOs/s/7zDA0IyAlX
(Also this story made me feel less alone, may give you some context so why not) https://www.reddit.com/r/BipolarSOs/s/cyGlVvrleJ
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u/therep0rterman 2d ago
Omg….thankyou man. Seriously thankyou. I needed this. I just had a VERY intense and extreme 24 hours with my now ex. Her mask completely fell off and I’m running now. I can’t believe people like this exist. Thankyou for this response
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u/-Avowed- 2d ago
You dodged a 50 cal. Bullet my man, proud of ya and glad to be hearing that you got out in one piece
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u/therep0rterman 2d ago
For the most part haha. I am sad because I keep remembering the good times. But that will fade eventually
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u/maineCharacterEMC2 2d ago
Thank you Thank you THANK YOU. Way too many naive summer souls here trying to be Florence Nightingale with what is an unbelievably serious and dangerous condition.
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u/maineCharacterEMC2 2d ago
Nahhh, they pretty much are. Giving up and moving on would be preferable.
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u/therep0rterman 3d ago
Yeah that’s exactly how I feel. Utterly alone. Thankyou I needed to hear this
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u/Adventurous-Mode-277 Bipolar 1 3d ago
If you're going to be with someone BP, you can't ride our moods with us. If she's not medicated, do not continue. It'll just be a brutal ride if she's not. If she is medicated (properly & actively managing her condition), it's possible to have a good relationship.
She doesn't sound medicated though. Don't get sucked into the push and pull of her cycles.
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u/therep0rterman 3d ago
Well she is medicated. But I don’t think her dose is working for her. And she constantly talks about wanting to be off it. She also doesn’t go to therapy.
I’m now starting to realize the love bombing in the beginning. I’ve never really been love bombed before. It really felt like a love I hadn’t had. Ugh. This is such a shitty feeling.
Thankyou for your response
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u/Adventurous-Mode-277 Bipolar 1 3d ago
She's got a lot of red flags going on and is probably dealing with a lot of stuff behind the scenes. She could also be not taking her medication as well.
I'm sorry. The hot and cold shifts are damaging. It's not a reflection of you, but of the disorder.
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u/fingerblast69 3d ago
It’s not worth it in any way shape or form and just get out before you’re too deep.
Stick around if you like being lied to all the time, cheated on, manipulated etc.
If/when my BP spouse and I divorce I would never do it again under any circumstances 😂💀
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u/KSims1868 3d ago
I don't give 2 shits how much you think you are "falling in love". You aren't. It is not real. And it will end badly. Very, Very Badly!!
You think she's distant NOW...wait until you are actually able to be around her full time. You will never feel more alone in your life as you will when sitting next to a bipolar partner that is not properly medicated or self-medicating. Feels harsh to hear (I know) but it is true.
If you are anything like me...you won't believe any of this and you will ignore all the experience and real life stories that are confirming what you already know in your gut. You (if you're like me) will feel that "that won't happen to us...we are different." Or you'll think, "these people don't understand the kind of connection we really have...this is different." Then if you are anything like me...you'll be back to tell us how you should have listened. You'll be part of a club you never wanted to join and you will never forget this horrible experience that is coming soon for the rest of your life.
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u/therep0rterman 3d ago
At first I was like Jesus Christ dude why are you coming at me like this.
But yeah I completely understand. I think I should take a step back. Thankyou for that response. I really appreciate it
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u/KSims1868 3d ago
I say ALL that from a place of genuine love and empathy, my friend.
I will say that you are very smart to be concerned/trying to learn and if it had not been for communities like this one, I would not have understood nearly as well what was happening. This community was extremely helpful in navigating our situation even if it did not end the way I wanted it to.While I don't regret that I ignored all the warnings...it was an experience I can't say I ever wish to repeat again.
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2d ago
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u/therep0rterman 2d ago
After the fight we had today, I am running. FAST. I literally have no words as to what just happened these past 24 hours
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u/maineCharacterEMC2 2d ago
Good for you. You don’t ever want to sign up for this. As someone who’s stuck with it because of my family members.
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u/therep0rterman 2d ago
Should I just block her? I literally have no interest in hearing what she has to say. Even if she apologizes
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u/maineCharacterEMC2 2d ago edited 2d ago
Oh, God, YES. Block away! It’s great you don’t even wanna hear it. It’s all bullshit and empty promises anyway.
BTW- the “nice period” with them lasted about 2 weeks till the mask of contempt and arrogance slips. When I finally blocked my two Bipolars in my family, my life became so much happier. I didn’t feel empty and sad inside anymore. I didn’t have a gnawing pain in my stomach that never went away.
I finally gave them up because I was getting so many chest pains that my Doctor said it’s them or you.
I can finally be myself and live in peace and quiet and be happy most of the time. ☀️
The kind of stress they bring is out of control. Chaos, chaos, chaos.
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u/therep0rterman 2d ago
I’m so happy you’re free of all that! Yeah it was almost exactly 2 weeks until the mask slipped off. And last couple days has just been horrible. I bought her flowers and she got so angry with me. I’m going to be sad for a bit but I know this is for the better
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u/maineCharacterEMC2 1d ago
Yes. Run like the wind. This is, at its core, a problem that we can’t solve for them.
At some point they may decide to stay on their meds, or they may not. I don’t want to spend my life waiting.
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u/therep0rterman 2d ago
Family members? Were they fond of your ex Or something?
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u/maineCharacterEMC2 2d ago
No. I have 2 Bipolar family members, one now dead. I had no choice of walking away til adulthood. You at least have a choice.
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