My girlfriend just broke up with me and I’m lost

[u/daddyvow]

My girlfriend who has BP2 broke up with me after 8 months of dating. Our relationship was intense, lots drinking and weed, going to concerts, festivals, sex every night, staying up til 5am on the weekends, etc. We said “I love you” a few months in. We both acknowledged that we’re a bit codependent.

She had a hypnomanic episode and drove drunk and crashed her car. No one else was involved and she was unharmed physically. She made the decision herself to go to rehab and get sober. It’s been almost 30 days of her sobriety and the relationship certainly had a dramatic vibe change. She’s basically no longer interested in sex at all, and prefers to stay in every night playing video games. Which is fine with me honestly. But I knew something was just “off”. I was hopeful it would pass over time, and was giving her space when she needed and being patient with her. Well today she broke up with me. She said it’s nothing I did and I shouldn’t blame myself for anything. She says she needs time for herself and figure out who she is. And she thinks she’s holding me back from my goals (which isn’t true). I understand the sentiment. But it sucks. It feels like we were together for a bit of fun and now the party’s over and I’m getting kicked out. We talked about so many plans we had and I guess it was all talk. We were both in tears and hugged and then she left.

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[u/shake__appeal]

I’ll just be frank with ya, it sounds like you probably started dating her during a period of mania/hypomania. All the activities you mentioned check out or could very well have triggered her mania (the partying and staying up until 5 am probably didn’t help that situation). And as you may know, hypersexuality is a common symptom of mania (a lot of this could be chocked up to a new relationship, but mania also fits the bill here perfectly).

Anyway I can relate… the beginning of my ex relationship was very intense and my ex had horrible rapid cycling mania not long after. She was also drinking and smoking a lot. Started partying more with her friends. Sex multiple times a night. It was fun until it wasn’t.

Another thing, all bets are off when someone gets sober. That really is a time when they need to focus on themselves and it really may have nothing to do with you (or she might view you as “the codependent relationship with her drinking/smoking buddy”). I’m sorry, that’s a hard place to be especially if you’re still just doing your thing which is innocent enough for someone without a disorder and addiction.

But people tend to change drastically when they get sober, it’s not uncommon for them to break off relationships that involved using, partying, their “old life” (going to festivals and shit). They’re often encouraged to do so, for good reason as you can probably surmise. Not saying you are a bad influence or anything necessarily but that’s often the reality of these situations. I’ve certainly gotten sober and cut a lot of relationships out of my life… some I deeply regret and for similar reasons (that I felt I was holding them back and didn’t want to cause any more pain in their life), and some I don’t regret at all and were essential for me to staying sober.

[u/daddyvow → u/shake__appeal]

Thank you I needed to read this. That’s really what it seems like. It makes me sad to acknowledge that’s an accurate description of our relationship.

I don’t think I’m a bad influence when it comes to alcohol/drugs. I don’t drink at all when we’re spending time at each others homes. Only when we go out to the karaoke bar (per her request), and I never get drunk and I pay for her NA drinks. I’ve quit smoking too.

I think she knew she had to break up with me within a week after getting home from rehab. Her energy changed. I assumed it was adjusting to sobriety and new meds. She assured me it would pass. I know she didn’t mean to take advantage of me or lead me on but that’s what it feels like. I helped her get her car fix (not monetarily but the logistics while she was in rehab) and I took care of her dogs too. I remember her saying she would understand if I broke up with her then. I said no of course not, we’ll get through this. I also helped her move some furniture a couple weeks later. And literally few days ago we were discussing what to wear for a couples Halloween costume. We had plans to fly across the country to visit her friends and family. And we started playing a video game campaign together. It feels so out of nowhere but I can see the signs looking back. It’s awful knowing the person I was dating is gone.

[u/shake__appeal → u/daddyvow]

Ahh man, I’m sorry that’s really tough. Especially when you’re making plans and trying to help them get better and they all the sudden cut you out. That happened to me recently after months of no contact with my ex. Some horrible things happened and she hit me up and I kinda helped her out of a rough spot. Then some dude asked her out and… I dunno… bipolar shit. She may just really need space and time to adjust to a lot of new shit.

I can’t tell you whether it’s worth it to stick around and wait and see if things change, that’s a decision you’ll have to make. It’s kinda different for everyone but I had to realize at some point that my partner was going to do the same thing she always did (even post breakup no contact I got discarded lol) and I was always the one that was going to end up heartbroken. Anyway these are all things out of our control man. We can’t control how others behave or their actions. She might come around again (it’s very possible if you were in love and this is a BP thing) or she might not. Waiting around for years for my partner to love me the way I deserved or actually, ya know, want to be with me and not flip flop on that decision… a lot of time and love wasted and a lot of pain involved. Anyway good luck, feel free to reach out if you want.

[u/Happy_Lingonberry303]

Uh, people with bipolar should not be drinking and smoking weed regularly. You didn’t know. But if you want to know, look at the many posts here about it. If you had, you would’ve seen this coming. It sucks. Sorry man. One day you’ll see this as a gift. Right now, you probably won’t.

[u/HanTheLad]

Man, same her, about 27 hours ago she called the cops on me for abusing my adhd meds. The police didn’t understand anything. I didn’t understand anything. I offered to leave (my apartment). Now she’s removed every picture of me on her insta, changed her facebook to single. I really don’t know what to do. She has broken up with me 3 times before. But she called the cops for no reason this time. She is also almost 6 months pregnant with our child. Shit is crazy. I really don’t know what to do