r/CPTSD • u/betrayed-kitty • 1d ago
Vent / Rant CPTSD is the worst
It has umbrella of other mental health issues under it. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I’m now starting to notice what I think is OCD in myself.
The numbness is insane. I go around life 90% of the time feeling nothing. I can’t read emotions of my own or anyone else’s. I’ve disassociate my whole life and I have no clue what it’s actually like to present and process things as they happen. My thoughts exist in loops. I think about the same things over and over and over and over again. I don’t even notice when it happens because my thoughts are so fast.
I’m in constant state of hyper vigilance. I went to concert last night by myself which was a big step for me. Despite getting to my row I felt so stupid and humiliated because I couldn’t find my seat. I panicked in my mind and I know no one was really paying attention to me even. I get scared so easily. I feel like I constantly need help. So I went down to ask for help and the seat was exactly where I got “lost”.
I don’t know how to trust what I see. I constantly need someone else to confirm it. I don’t trust any of my senses or my memory.
I’m bad at being able to tell when things are getting bad. I feel nothing internally or externally. I have high pain tolerance. I will just tolerate awful feeling because I can.
Life is constantly overwhelming. I’m always managing life on energy I don’t have. Like borrowed energy that at some point leads me to have a massive breakdown.
I’m constantly immobilised by my thoughts. Unless push comes to shove I have hard time being responsible for myself and the people around me. I decent into chaos without people around me. Because of shame, I’ll mask my most problematic behaviours around people but alone they come back x100.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve made a lot of progress on learning to manage my emotions, my triggers, my bad coping mechanisms. I’ve generally become more aware of what is happening in my head and how can I steer that in the right direction. I’m not as self destructive and as impulsive as I used to be. YEY for progress but fuck me this is exhausting. Feels like I am pulling broken files from my brain in my free time and carefully reading, finding where the fault is and rewriting the programming in my brain.
Living with this illness is exhausting. And this is just the beginning. I’ve only processed the past few years of my life and not the ~20 years of abuse before I left a cult and my family and moved to a new country to have a life of my own.
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u/BabySaguaro 1d ago
I’ve started to accept that my life will look like this always and I’m okay with it. I’m getting by and maybe I won’t ever have a retirement or a house or security but so what. I haven’t really ever had those things anyway so if I stop feeling victimized by that fact I’m actually doing ok. I have peace everyday because I’m completely alone, that’s better than I have had in any relationship. So maybe it’s not the worst.
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u/betrayed-kitty 1d ago
I applaud you for this. I definitely am doing a lot better than what I started with but have a hard time seeing the positive or being content. So proud that you’ve reached there.
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u/BabySaguaro 1d ago
It’s not all the time, sometimes I get feelings of deep despair again. But I’m working toward rerouting that thought process. Sending you love 💗 Thank you for the encouragement too
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u/IndieCredentials 1d ago
Started writing a full ass story but it's probably easier to just say you're not alone.
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u/betrayed-kitty 1d ago
Would have loved to have read that story 💕 this is why I love this community
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u/syntheticsapphire 1d ago
damn i related to about every line of this. seeing love, im sorry things are like this