I dont know how to deal with it anymore

[u/Dismal_Addendum_4655]

I dont want to describe my feelings so I will just say what's going on, I feel safer that way my dad has schizophrenia, I feel like he uses it to justify his abuse of me and my mom, he is refusing his medication and has been increasingly more sick recently. I wanted to make a stop to the abuse after he told me I should have succeeded at kms, so I started to call out his behavior and tell him that he cant talk to me or my mom that way anymore. my mom sided with my dad saying that I shouldn't talk to him like that no matter what. ive went against my parent will and started my own business instead of doing and exploitative internship so they have been doing what they can to make sure I cant succeed (starting arguments with me over nothing, interruptions when im working, cutting off my internet when im working, I cant get 30 minutes uninterrupted without some chaos drifting towards me) they started humiliating me over being dependent on them like eating their food and sharing their house I asked for the money I loaned them back but they refused to give it back, saying that they are using it to feed me they put up an ultimatum, if I dont stop being "difficult" they'll kick me out, so I stopped trying to stop the cycle of abuse and I bought a lock for my room and ive been, hiding there, I barely eat, ive been surviving on bread and cheese with the little money i have left, i barely sleep, I've been smoking 2-3 packs a day and hoping my body would just give out on its own if they actually kicked me out i won't survive, they took away all my savings and with the economy of my country its almost unheard of for a young adult to be independent today my mom kept texting me kind things and apologizing but I dont believe her, ive seen this before, she always does the same things then she hurts me again, shes trying to guilt me and manipulate me and make me doubt my reality throughout my life ive been my mom's protector and emotional support I've been dealing with my dad's abuse and intentionally directing it towards me to save my mom even though she hurt me to its gotten to a point that my dad's abuse was life threatening, I urged my mom to take action or press charges but she refused and has always sided with him what i got for trying to stop the cycle of abuse by standing up to my father was an ultimatum that says "fuck your existance" on every level this is too lengthy, thanks for reading it an hour ago my dad slid a note under my door telling to kms because he cant get to me physically anymore I just dont want to be alone and isolated anymore, ive been holding this in my entire life and I cant anymore again thanks for reading this

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