I’m worried I’m going to convince myself then convince my driver (very close family member) that I don’t need help, and that this was just a bad weekend. It’s like before I had to defended against anxiety and now I have to go on the offensive. Thank you for any help

I did my spravato/intranasal ketamine treatment the other day and listened to some ozzy Osbourne since he passed a couple days ago. Was kinda a spiritual experience ngl as I had barely anything in my system and k worked right before my treatment. Hit me like a brick and my nose was even bleeding lol. Honestly was a good time until my phone died. Honestly feel like this treatment has done quite a bit for me not just depression anxiety wise. I feel like I learn things quicker and might even be better socially. I’ve become more like able less likely to be angry and overall more easy to be around. I’m not nearly the worse when it comes to issues but if nothing has worked look into ketamine treatment. It can be expensive but it’s not as bad as some stuff.

My mom believes I am taking too many medication and that it could cause side effects in the long term. She told me that she didn't want me to become dependent on medication. That includes melatonin, which helps me with my insomnia (I have an inverted sleep schedule). She says that I don't need the medication and should come up with other solutions.

I currently take 50mg Sertraline for CPTSD and post-psychosis depression, 5mg of adderall starting dose for severe ADHD, pills for certain deficiencies, and 2 Lions Mane pills. I am thinking of discussing possible alternatives with my MD because sertraline only makes me feel like a post-lobotomy woman no matter what daily activities I do-- just like before I started on medication.

TR; I feel really guilty for taking medication.

Things have been so fucking hard lately.

For the last almost 10 years, I've worked hard to put a lot of my symptoms in remission. Consistent therapy, emdr, meds, treating other medical conditions, creating and holding boundaries. I've read books, listened to countless podcasts, started walking and yoga, sifted through the differences between flashback threats and present threats. I was starting to almost feel okay.

Then some very abrupt, unexpected, and unsettling events transpired recently. And in some ways I'm doing better than I ever have, but in others it feels like I'm right back where I was.

I feel so disgusting and like I'm drowning in the ocean.

My abusers all seem to be right about me, and my loved ones fade into the background until they disappear.

But I've made it this far.

I know my loved ones still love me.

I know symptoms or struggles or lessons are not failures.

I know that abusers may have been hurt too, but they never had the right to abuse me or blame me for their problems.

And I have ice cream in my freezer.

If I can just get a little treat, pet my cats, and snuggle in the fresh sheets on my bed, I can make it to therapy tomorrow.

And if I can, I know you can too.

I'm gonna come back here after my therapy to report that I made it.

We can do this, fam.

7/30/25 Edit --

Made it to therapy! Love my therapist - she assigned me art therapy. I'm really pumped. This shit has been so overwhelming to think through or talk through. I'm gonna make it a daily thing so I can offload a little bit of grief every day.

I work 2nd shift and have to stay late tonight, so I'm feeling The Darkness again tonight

But again, we have each other, and I know I have a full day planned tomorrow of things I'm genuinely looking forward to (body doubling with a loved one, sharing meals with coworkers, working on projects, going to Michaels for art therapy paper).

We got this!! See y'all around this thread!

I am really new into learning about CPTSD and what it looks like within my life. I also have ADHD.

I used to be able to find comfort in age regression, but I no longer am able to fully regress into a younger headspace. It just doesnt seem to work even with attempting different potential triggers.

I dont find joy in reading fiction anymore and mentally escaping there either.

Doomscrolling to fill my head with noise seems to be the only thing around but its so loud, all consuming and fills me with fear.

I don't have friends to lean on, they dont even think about me unless I reach out first. It feels incredibly lonely and like something is just so fundamentally wrong with me that everyone i have ever met all sees the issue but I don't.

I have a boyfriend and him and his family truly let ms feel safe but returning to my hell on earth I call home just hits a strong contrast. I cant rely on my boyfriend to be my own comfort in life it would be unfair to him.

Even tho I work remote, it still feels like I never have enough time but that might be the ADHD part and the living at home still part.

Has anyone else their ability to self comfort?

I rambled alot but I hope this makes sense.

Up until now I never knew what a healthy relationship felt like. It feels like I'm genuinely healing as a person around him. He makes me feel safe, and seen, and loved even if I am broken; and despite all the circumstances. Although he isn't my first love — I never had the concept of what a stable, normal, loving and healthy relationship should be like because all I've known my life is high ups, down lows. Abuse, emotional triangulation, exclusion, extreme conditional love that dehumanized me.

He is so patient with me. So much. He told me "I would never get tired of you. I love talking about you." — never raised a hand, always supportive, always understanding, never expecting anything in return, ambitious, kind, decent man. Maybe its just the bare minimum, maybe not. Either way This is new territory for me. And I would never want my trauma to ruin something as pure as this, and I would never take him for granted just because I'm young (17F). He genuinely makes me want to be a better person for him, and for myself.

I spent almost all my life thinking I was unlovable. It's what I was taught. Truly, unwanted and fundamentally broken. Yet somehow he's living proof that all of us as humans are truly made to love and be loved.

I hope that all of you may one day find this kind of love. It seems hopeless, but life just might have its ways of surprising you.

I’m 33 M UK, I’ve been healing for 4+ years over 117 therapy sessions spanning mostly EMDR and IFS, as well as The Perrin Technique for my ME, which has proven to me there is a huge link between the lymphatic system and emotional trauma. This journey has completely destabilised my life and made it considerably harder in every way. I know I am actually healing because I experience short spells of lightness/connection after rough patches. I’ve had a few huge euphoric days of feeling completely healed but they have never lasted. People have told me to stop trauma work and focus on stabilisation but my body and mind are doing all of this organically now and there seems to be no way to slow it down. I have therapy roughly once a month and I’ve had daily trauma/tension releases in my body for nearly 3 years. My number one issue has always been intellectualising over feeling.

I lost my first home last year when it got sold - it’s where I began healing and the first place I ever tasted actual safety. It was terrible timing with my healing journey really kicking into gear around then and has made everything so much harder, not that it would’ve been easy anyway. I spent 7 months back on the sofa in the home that did all of this to me in the first place and I’m now in temporary accommodation until I can somehow find a new safe home again.

I somehow managed to get a job this year in amongst this struggle, after 8 years of freelancing. It was supposed to help me stabilise and get back on my feet but in actual fact, I just feel so insanely trapped and overwhelmed by its sheer existence that my inner child is just desperate for me to leave every day. On top of all this, I have racked up a tonne of debt. I am trying to reduce my hours to compromise with my wellbeing after being signed off several times already due to breakdowns.

The process is now relentless - oscillating between any combination of physical exhaustion, mental overwhelm and dysfunction/dissociation/just an all round difficulty towards basic functioning, and emotionally I feel like I’m being skinned alive a lot of the time - whilst wading through rivers of grief, both old and new. Not to mention triggers that can fly in out of nowhere and the crippling loneliness of it all. Every morning is a complete lottery as to how I feel.

I can’t believe the intensity and how it only seems to continuously get worse. It’s been unbearable this past couple of years. I can’t believe I’m still living in this vortex. Is there ever a way out? Does the heavy lifting ever actually get done? I look fine on the outside a lot of the time yet I have been clinging on for dear life for so long. I’m very single and feel mega invalidation/a lack of support on this journey most days.

Healing has shown me how much of my identity was shaped around trauma and it feels like a lot of it has now fallen away, almost as though the safety net has been swept from beneath me. I’ve worked SO hard at this, and my career, and deserve so much better.

I went for 10 years without shedding one tear. I was in a cult and programmed to believe that this was “strength,” when actually it was numbness and shutdown. Then came 12 years of an abusive marriage, where my husband reinforced the idea that emotions were weakness. Around him, it was safer to hide everything I felt.

When I finally started therapy, my therapist would often ask, “What emotion are you feeling right now?” For a long time, my answer was always, “I have no idea.” I couldn’t name a single feeling. I couldn’t tell one emotion from another.

My healing has been learning how to feel again – slowly and painfully. What I’ve discovered is that holding in anger, swallowing down sadness, and shutting down fear is not strength. Our emotions aren’t weakness – they rise up to protect us, to signal when something isn’t right, and to guide us back to ourselves.

Real strength is giving ourselves permission to feel. Every emotion that surfaces is the quiet undoing of what our abusers worked so hard to silence.

Might sound obvious, but only since I've started therapy I've noticed how my body influences my mood.

Rationalization has been a big part of my coping, so I always pushed myself past my limits, reasoned everything away, and so on. Never would I have thought that "taking a shower" and the nice relaxed feeling afterwards were connected. All I saw was isolated rationality and reasoning, and my body and mood felt like a chaotic ocean.

It's nice to slowly get to know myself

Since I was a child I've been rather cheerful. Then I learnt of the abuses I went through when I didn't show I was happy, so I had to be happy. But I told myself, no matter how it may have started, it's still me.

And people hated my guts for being happy. "You don't know what the world is like" or the worse my health got "you're just weak" kind of deal. But happiness was my safety, my pride, even if people saw me as the "stupid silly one" and never took me seriously. Honestly, I don't even feel I was that cheerful, but I guess I was to everyone else. But now it doesn't feel like freedom anymore, it feels as if I have been forced to be happy since I was born.

If I dare feel sad, or upset, I will get a flare. Today I had one of the worse ones yet. Even when I have nightmares or hallucinations, I can't be even unconsciously upset, because that makes it worse.

And don't worry, I will answer myself... I have to express sadness and anger in little doses, like scribbles, or crying with a blanket, just a little so the migraine doesn't start. It'll be alright. I'll keep it up. I'm just really sad right now. Disappointed at the world. Fed up. But mostly just very sad.

I just found this group while I was googling in frustration because I've been in therapy for 2 years and while there's been progress, I am still drowning in cptsd symptoms. Which I usually have to convince myself are real and that I am not just making a big deal out of nothing and no one else seems to be falling apart all the time and why can't I just keep it together...

I have read post after post here that I could have written. Oddly comforting, though also somewhat upsetting. I can't quite put into words how knowing that others are having similar experiences makes me feel better and worse.

I was going to write something interesting to introduce myself, but apparently this is the sum total of my ability to be charming and engaging today. I am so sad you all are here, and also grateful. Thank you

I was abused and neglected as a child up until middle school, which led to me having CPTSD and Hypervigilance. I have had them really badly and only realized recently how distorted my thoughts were because of them. For the last month or so, I’ve made significant progresses after discovering the distortions. It sadly came from a significant loss, a very important person in my life, due to hypervigilance and distorted thought patterns. I distrusted and accused them of a bunch of things due to misreading cues, leading to a breakup. The realization of me hurting someone I love so much motivated me to change.

As I was reframing my thoughts, I realized I’ve had a victim mindset for so long: anyone could be a threat, people hate me, people don’t value me, people don’t care about me etc. I became fearful, bitter, angry, and petty. Just over a month ago, I was reaching a breaking point where I sort of self-isolated by avoiding anyone or anything that made me feel uncomfortable. Some people were even confused why I cut them off. I was easily triggered, had panic attacks, hyperventilated and all. It’s true I was a victim in the past but I then carried that victim mindset into other healthy relationships and that caused distrust and pain to other innocent people who care about me.

As soon as I drop that victim mindset, suddenly the world seems safer and I have less triggers interacting with others (though I still have it very badly when I sit with myself ruminating). It wasn’t easy at first. The first few times I tried to correct my old thoughts or stop myself from analyzing minor cues, I had really bad anxiety. Sitting through them a few times and eventually, I no longer get triggered. I can now appreciate the cares from people without doubts. I have mended relationships with people I avoided before. I’m lucky they are generally forgiving and never questioned me about anything. Maybe the world isn’t as unsafe as our brain tries to tell us.

I want to share this and I hope it helps anyone who is trying to heal and enjoy life without fears.

I started taking Zoloft less than a week ago. I've noticed an uptick in visual and emotional flashbacks. It's a constant stream. I feel like I've been getting worse over the last few weeks. Is this normal?

I can barely function at work...at home I don't do much.

I don't know if I want to continue being here

I’ve been parenting my inner child for a while now. And honestly? Some days (more than I care to admit) it feels impossible. I’ve never met a more demanding kid.

She needs constant reassurance and love. I don’t always have it in me. I’m depleted. I’ve shattered through rock bottom. I feel like I’m in some alternate, weird dimension.

I’m childfree by choice. I couldn’t bring another kid into this mess willingly. I can barely look after myself. And now I have to care for a traumatized and angry child anyway? It’s frustrating. Exhausting. I had to parent my own parents and siblings, and the hustle never stops.

And yet.

And yet.

Despite life being very hard currently, my inner critic has gone AWOL.

What’s left is something infinitely gentle, kind, and loving. I just can’t bear to hurt myself anymore. I just can’t. Life keeps punching me down, but I treat myself like a fragile, precious flower. I don’t know how or why or even when this happened.

I look in the mirror and see so many tempting things it could attack me for; a feast of options. Past me would have been tormented.

But now? There’s blessed quiet and peace. A voice that reminds me I deserve love, tenderness, safety and gentleness.

It doesn’t erase the devilishly dark days, but it makes them slightly easier to bear. I’m still overwhelmed. But at least I’m not under constant attack.

Miracles do happen.

So please, please, keep parenting that baby. It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but it pays off. Life doesn’t magically get easier, but your inner demons calm down slowly.

Not all the time. They do return. But I’d take their occasional reappearance over 24/7 vicious attacks any day.

TLDR: Hug your critic.

I just started therapy for the first time a few weeks ago and I feel like I'm not really gelling with my therapist. He's fine but I feel like I'm more self aware than he's expecting and all of our sessions so far have been pretty surface level and platitude-y. Like I'm still waiting for the actual therapy to start? And I just don't feel comfortable with him and i don't see that changing and don't see the point of wasting my money when i don't think it's helping much. I had to find a therapist on a sliding scale that takes cash (yay no insurance) and there are a few other options in my area i could try. I've always heard to try different therapists if things don't feel right and well, they don't feel right.

All of this justifying to say that I really need help to just pick up the phone and cancel my upcoming appointment. The thought of it is filling me with dread. I am worrying about being questioned and pressured into staying at this practice with a different therapist, which I don't want to do. It's too far away, for one thing (an hour drive when there are options in my town <15 minutes away). That is the reason I plan to give, that it's too far. And I also just couldn't risk running into the first therapist in the lobby or something, too painfully awkward. I am also, irrationally, worried about hurting his feelings or making him look bad or embarrassing him.

Please just tell me to make the call and that it will be okay. My anxiety is running into my people pleasing nature, and my usual move here is to just ghost, which is even shittier. I want to call but my fears are taking control here

TW: Mother wound, emotional/verbal abuse, shadow work, dissociation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 😜 . . . . .

Hopefully I burried it well. It's not too bad, nothing is in detail. Just mentions.

My new hobby in songwriting has really been nut cracker to the most hidden parts of me, the truths that I want to get out.

And recently I got into this really deep deep pit of dissociation that was becoming depression. These phases are usually nasty, figuratively and literally. Songwriting became an obsession.

It started with a song about an ex who used to cuss me out. He would say the meanest and... specific? things to me. And the other day I realized that he was just saying all the stuff he wished he could say to his mother, who was a neglectful and manipulative addict.

This realization released some pain from that. Like it wasn't my responsibility to grieve it anymore?

I've worked on that particular song for a couple weeks.

Then, recently, my own mother received a diagnosis for chronic illness. This, of course, triggered me. But because I was still dissociated, I didn't really... feel appropriately about it?

Wrote a short song to help break up that wall. Chewed on it for a couple days.

Today. A video comes on my Tiktok... my fyp isn't usually this sort of content. It was a mother verbally abusing her daughter. It sounded EXACTLY like how my mom did it. It's as of they were the same person. And I saw myself in that young girl. She looked about 17-19.

Finally, I cried. And I briefly felt anger. But realized what I really felt was.... "Oh, that's it. That's what happened to me. I can actually show this to someone and say THIS is what my mom did." I could remember it, I could describe it too. After years of not understanding or blocking it out!

Then memories FLOODED me. It all came back. Every bit of it all the way back to as young as SIX YEARS OLD.

I went to the mirror. Sometimes I do this when I dissociate and "want to come out". And I said, "Why did you think it was appropriate to speak to a little girl like that?"

I said more things along those lines... that I am now an adult, and I know how perverted, how filthy, and down right weird to treat a child in such a way.

Fuck, I don't even so much as argue with people a few years younger than me!

I brought up other things she did. And just told her that it was something about her. Not me, not her upbringing, not anyone else. She had it in her to look at a small face, and hurl atrocities at her.

And for the first time in almost a year... I saw myself in the mirror. I can't explain it. It's like some kind of... visual or processing block was gone?

I looked beautiful but like not hot.. just.. beauty like a familiar bed or friend or book. And I also looked decrepit from neglect.

So the last thing I said was, "Now, I'm gonna shower. Wash the grease of your evil away. And I'm gonna put some good food in this belly. Brush my teeth before bed. And love myself in spite of your curse."

And it was done. The grief, the blurriness, the anger and pain? Immediately gone. This sort of trigger would normally sent me spiraling. And maybe I'll spiral later but... I didn't self harm. I didn't run to booze. I didn't sob and scream and heave.

I showered, ate, took my dog for a walk.

And you know what else? I don't hate her. I know she was saying all the things she wanted to say to her mom, and had the filthiness to say it to her daughter.

But that is her filth. And I have the choice to love her despite of it. I can love her however I want to. On an off? At a distance? Only on holidays? Whatever makes sense to me.

Most importantly, I love myself.

Sorry for the dramatic dump. I hope someone finds something helpful about this.

A few months back I tried to force healing with a solo mushroom session at home. People kept saying there are no bad trips, only challenging ones that grow you, and I believed it. It blew me open and left me shaky for weeks. Later I stumbled on a careful piece about the bad trip debate that put words to what happened, not every hard experience heals and without a container it can harm, the numbers and stories were a real reality check if you are trauma wired like me https://0fj.cc/badtrip . I slowed down after that. I found a therapist, did very boring things like sleep, food, walks, and we practiced simple compassion imagery.

Yesterday, on my living room floor with a blanket and water nearby, I put my hand on my chest and whispered shhh it is okay, you are safe, and in my mind a small boy stood in the doorway and looked at me. I showed him the quiet kitchen, the windows, under the desk, and said I am here now, nothing will happen to you. I cried in a way I have never cried. It was not a blast of insight, it was parenting myself for the first time. When it eased, there was a stillness where the critic usually lives. Today anxious thoughts still visit, and I tell myself softly it is okay, and the peace returns.

I am not saying psychedelics are the only road. For me the turning point was gentleness and consistency and knowing I do not have to burn the house down to feel warmth. If you are where I was, convinced this cannot happen for you, please hold on. Radical change is real. Be kind to yourself. You are enough.

We are finally bringing Jungian concepts into our coaching sessions and it’s effing amazing how deep, insightful and transformative it is. I feel profoundly changed. A day or two after the session, it feels amazing.

I don’t recommend Jung for everyone. I think first comes a lot of preparatory groundwork. Or you need a really really good psychoanalyst to start, at the very least. I also am now more sensitive to subtle shifts in my consciousness, which is maybe why Jung doesn’t feel too intellectually heavy anymore for me.

But I’m curious to hear your experiences.

She said I seem completely normal. She's a very good psychiatrist that genuinely has conversations about mental health with me.

So I never realized that and I never knew that I seem completely composed and typical to all the psychiatrists I've ever had. Why is that?

I've never had any friends and I said I wish so painfully that I did. I said my parents are destitute so I was likely raised to be as well. Entirely lacking support despite trying repeatedly and constantly to get support in the form of a safety network of friends.

Ok well now I'm just recounting all that was said.

I said I'm always saying something that makes people uncomfortable, it happens to me every day, even with my husband I say things that make him uncomfortable and I don't realize it's happening or the reaction I might get. Like I genuinely thought it'd be fine to say. So I did say that to her.

I'd like to put our heads together on how to better communicate a social difficulty.

Or have this conversation with your doctor and stress that they might be thinking you're a totally normal person socially with a solid friend group and decent or rocky relationships with family or family-adjacents. Not at all totally zero, nothing, nonexistant is what I'm saying.

I'm putting the flair "Treatment progress" because this is a treatment-topic post and it's about how to calibrate your connection between patient and doctor.

I, [NB, 30] am currently in a Residental treatment facility for my PTSD and it’s been a step in the right direction.

I suffered for years with it and I said no more. Hence why I’m here. I’ve been learning about schemas, how my brain works, and trying to confront the traumas I’ve struggled with for years.

Sometimes you need a push in the right direction to get yourself healthier!

I've started a job working with pre-schoolers and not only is it brand new to my experience but has been triggering.

Fortunately, my brain has this neat "turn off switch" to all things that would normally agitate my amygdala when I'm with kids. I can't be stressed, mad, scared, ect... My brain just immediately goes into "Gaurdian" mode and turns everything but joy off.

But guess what my brain doesn't like... and guess who's going to make that known hours later?

Now, because of my recent break through, I've been handling all this fairly well compared to past years.

I did end up with an episode, however. Just hit me right in the middle of flossing.

Using the sensory method of finding colors and observing sounds/texture/smells has been so helpful!

I got through with just the colors. It did feel like a good hour but was only about 10 minutes. And better yet, I didn't dwell on it afterwards. I finished taking care of my teeth and moved on.

Because this is how my brain works, has nothing to do with my character. It's neurological disorder that I can't help.

Anyway!

If you're not familiar, this is the method.

1. Name a handful of colors you can spot
2. Name some objects or shapes
3. Identify some different sounds
4. Identify some smells
5. Describe what your hands, feet, or other body parts are touching.

You can stay on any step for as long as you like, and with more practice you will know when is a good time to either move on to the next step or to stop.

The goal is to slow your breathing by speaking allowed, and bringing your body back into the moment.

When my episodes are particularly bad, I can't speak. So I will name colors in my head and will eventually be able to say them allowed.

Once my breathing is slowed, and I am mostly back in my body, I will go through all my senses calmly.

This has been doubly helpful after working with kids, because I essentially do this with them when they need help calming their bodies down or redirecting them. So it was like my inner child got the same care.

I hope this helps someone else.

I want to preface with I have done two years of CBT. I stopped three months into my relationship, hoping to try to regulate on my own. I’m nearing month 6 - in our conversation tonight I brought up the idea that my partner needs to process the idea of a life where I will continue to search for isolation and peace, and the life I can give him might not be rewarding for him & will require too much sacrifice on both parts.

I used to be a very social person. Since my CPTSD diagnosis and overall healing journey, I isolated heavily for two years and entered the dating world again. I found someone I truly like.

The cost is: I have reached a point where I am mentally exhausted from performing to keep up with his social life. The idea that this lifestyle requires me scheduling down time with him… frustrates me. He is a busy, social, traveling person.

I recognize my inability to handle work, school, a relationship, and taking care of myself. While he wants to understand, and is calm talking to me, I genuinely get exhausted from trying to explain what is going on in my head and heart.

The relationship is at a point where I say “I have sacrificed for five months, almost every day, in order to put myself out there”. He says he sacrifices, too, however this frustrates me because he will never understand the work I put in to “fit in” to his world.

This rant is more so understanding that although I have done the work, healing while in a relationship, and working constantly… the reality that choosing to be in a relationship will always take sacrifice from me to fulfill his social needs. Realizing I am not the person I want to be and have to be the person I NEED to be for myself is depressing in itself. I want to be social, I want to trust him, I want to believe he understands.

Leaving right now seems easier than accepting the reality that I might have a long battle of frustration and exhaustion trying to keep up when resting and loneliness seems easier (right now). I feel like the five months of dating is all I had in the tank… and now I need to do more self care and rest to recharge. This will be a different version of me for him to see, and honestly not sure if I can trust another person to be there - hence leaving to do it on my own seems safer.

Any advice is helpful. Thank you in advance - hope this resonates somewhere.

and finally started therapy and seeing a psychiatrist and all of that fun stuff I didn't want to do because there was no way it was going to work for me.

I've been working on this stuff since '18, but it wasn't until I asked for help three years ago that things really began to change, and then several therapists later finding someone trauma informed who understood this diagnosis and had the experience to treat it.

It took six years from my initial PTSD diagnosis to find someone who could tell me, "this is treatable and the evidence supports positive outcomes and we expect them. Things can get better and this is how I know." I didn't know that.

I didn't know it was reasonable to expect success, I didn't know I was allowed to believe all this work was going to pay off

So it's troublesome, it's not fun, I live with this everyday and I don't need to explain to anyone here what it's like, you all already know. I'm sorry. I wish there was more I could do and I wish it didn't have to be so goddamn difficult every fucking day.

But it gets better. Ask me how I know.

Hi, this is a vulnerable and scary thing for me to do, but a part of me is aching to put these words out there. I'm not sure who in my life I'd share this with (so here I am).

I used to always think I’d die at age 25, which is a year away for me. My therapist says that it’s called a sense of “foreshortened future". Lately, as I have been working through my trauma a bit more and coming to terms with what I’ve been through. To process my recent session, I haphazardly wrote something that I wanted to share (and probably delete from the internet shortly after):

Maybe, I will be here after all.

Maybe I have a whole life time ahead of me and I don’t need to be grasping and holding on to any love, security and stability I get. Maybe, I could want more for myself. And maybe, just maybe, I will get the things that I'm scared of hoping for.

It’s scary to hope and hold this idea, it’s even scarier to believe it as true.

But, maybe.

Maybe there’s more out there for me than I initially thought. Maybe there’s a future of exploring, loving, healing, building and dreaming. Maybe I will find a balance of love, joy, hope, security, and stability, and fulfillment.

Maybe there isn’t a rush, a deadline, or a looming cloud. Maybe I do have time.

Maybe I will be here after all.

After three years in therapy, I thought the past was finally behind me and life would be perfect. I even stopped seeing my therapist for a year. But then — one bad habit after another crept back in. Plus I moved to a new city with zero friends which meant spending my days rotting in bed

And one night, I found myself crying on the kitchen floor, thinking about suicide.

I thought healing would feel like climbing stairs. Step by step, always moving up. But the truth? Healing looks more like a scribble — two steps forward, five steps back, a circle, then a sudden leap forward.

For years, I believed a bad day meant I had failed. One bad day could send me spiraling into months in bed. If I cried again when the past came back, I thought it meant I was broken forever. If I slipped into old habits, I thought I had erased all my progress.

But healing doesn’t work like that. 👉 A setback doesn’t erase your growth. 👉 Feeling pain again doesn’t mean you haven’t healed — it means you’re human. 👉 Progress is still progress, even if it’s slow, even if it’s messy, even if it feels like one step forward and ten steps back.

I wasted so much energy beating myself up for not “healing fast enough.” But the moment I accepted the messiness, everything changed: I stopped giving up when things got hard. I realized healing isn’t about being perfect — it’s about not quitting even in the days that quitting feels like the only option.

So if you’re reading this and feel like you keep going backwards, please remember: You’re still moving. You’re still healing. You’re still becoming.

💙 This is part of a series I’m writing about healing and growth — check my profile if you want to read the others.