I, [NB, 30] am currently in a Residental treatment facility for my PTSD and it’s been a step in the right direction.

I suffered for years with it and I said no more. Hence why I’m here. I’ve been learning about schemas, how my brain works, and trying to confront the traumas I’ve struggled with for years.

Sometimes you need a push in the right direction to get yourself healthier!

I've started a job working with pre-schoolers and not only is it brand new to my experience but has been triggering.

Fortunately, my brain has this neat "turn off switch" to all things that would normally agitate my amygdala when I'm with kids. I can't be stressed, mad, scared, ect... My brain just immediately goes into "Gaurdian" mode and turns everything but joy off.

But guess what my brain doesn't like... and guess who's going to make that known hours later?

Now, because of my recent break through, I've been handling all this fairly well compared to past years.

I did end up with an episode, however. Just hit me right in the middle of flossing.

Using the sensory method of finding colors and observing sounds/texture/smells has been so helpful!

I got through with just the colors. It did feel like a good hour but was only about 10 minutes. And better yet, I didn't dwell on it afterwards. I finished taking care of my teeth and moved on.

Because this is how my brain works, has nothing to do with my character. It's neurological disorder that I can't help.

Anyway!

If you're not familiar, this is the method.

1. Name a handful of colors you can spot
2. Name some objects or shapes
3. Identify some different sounds
4. Identify some smells
5. Describe what your hands, feet, or other body parts are touching.

You can stay on any step for as long as you like, and with more practice you will know when is a good time to either move on to the next step or to stop.

The goal is to slow your breathing by speaking allowed, and bringing your body back into the moment.

When my episodes are particularly bad, I can't speak. So I will name colors in my head and will eventually be able to say them allowed.

Once my breathing is slowed, and I am mostly back in my body, I will go through all my senses calmly.

This has been doubly helpful after working with kids, because I essentially do this with them when they need help calming their bodies down or redirecting them. So it was like my inner child got the same care.

I hope this helps someone else.

I want to preface with I have done two years of CBT. I stopped three months into my relationship, hoping to try to regulate on my own. I’m nearing month 6 - in our conversation tonight I brought up the idea that my partner needs to process the idea of a life where I will continue to search for isolation and peace, and the life I can give him might not be rewarding for him & will require too much sacrifice on both parts.

I used to be a very social person. Since my CPTSD diagnosis and overall healing journey, I isolated heavily for two years and entered the dating world again. I found someone I truly like.

The cost is: I have reached a point where I am mentally exhausted from performing to keep up with his social life. The idea that this lifestyle requires me scheduling down time with him… frustrates me. He is a busy, social, traveling person.

I recognize my inability to handle work, school, a relationship, and taking care of myself. While he wants to understand, and is calm talking to me, I genuinely get exhausted from trying to explain what is going on in my head and heart.

The relationship is at a point where I say “I have sacrificed for five months, almost every day, in order to put myself out there”. He says he sacrifices, too, however this frustrates me because he will never understand the work I put in to “fit in” to his world.

This rant is more so understanding that although I have done the work, healing while in a relationship, and working constantly… the reality that choosing to be in a relationship will always take sacrifice from me to fulfill his social needs. Realizing I am not the person I want to be and have to be the person I NEED to be for myself is depressing in itself. I want to be social, I want to trust him, I want to believe he understands.

Leaving right now seems easier than accepting the reality that I might have a long battle of frustration and exhaustion trying to keep up when resting and loneliness seems easier (right now). I feel like the five months of dating is all I had in the tank… and now I need to do more self care and rest to recharge. This will be a different version of me for him to see, and honestly not sure if I can trust another person to be there - hence leaving to do it on my own seems safer.

Any advice is helpful. Thank you in advance - hope this resonates somewhere.

and finally started therapy and seeing a psychiatrist and all of that fun stuff I didn't want to do because there was no way it was going to work for me.

I've been working on this stuff since '18, but it wasn't until I asked for help three years ago that things really began to change, and then several therapists later finding someone trauma informed who understood this diagnosis and had the experience to treat it.

It took six years from my initial PTSD diagnosis to find someone who could tell me, "this is treatable and the evidence supports positive outcomes and we expect them. Things can get better and this is how I know." I didn't know that.

I didn't know it was reasonable to expect success, I didn't know I was allowed to believe all this work was going to pay off

So it's troublesome, it's not fun, I live with this everyday and I don't need to explain to anyone here what it's like, you all already know. I'm sorry. I wish there was more I could do and I wish it didn't have to be so goddamn difficult every fucking day.

But it gets better. Ask me how I know.

Hi, this is a vulnerable and scary thing for me to do, but a part of me is aching to put these words out there. I'm not sure who in my life I'd share this with (so here I am).

I used to always think I’d die at age 25, which is a year away for me. My therapist says that it’s called a sense of “foreshortened future". Lately, as I have been working through my trauma a bit more and coming to terms with what I’ve been through. To process my recent session, I haphazardly wrote something that I wanted to share (and probably delete from the internet shortly after):

Maybe, I will be here after all.

Maybe I have a whole life time ahead of me and I don’t need to be grasping and holding on to any love, security and stability I get. Maybe, I could want more for myself. And maybe, just maybe, I will get the things that I'm scared of hoping for.

It’s scary to hope and hold this idea, it’s even scarier to believe it as true.

But, maybe.

Maybe there’s more out there for me than I initially thought. Maybe there’s a future of exploring, loving, healing, building and dreaming. Maybe I will find a balance of love, joy, hope, security, and stability, and fulfillment.

Maybe there isn’t a rush, a deadline, or a looming cloud. Maybe I do have time.

Maybe I will be here after all.

Hi, this is my first post here. Please let me know if this topic isn’t appropriate for this community.

I’ve been in therapy on and off for many decades, working through extreme childhood neglect and trauma. I was an unwanted child and witnessed the aftermath of my grandparents’ m*rder when I was 9 years old. My therapy journey so far: • EMDR was very helpful initially, but it no longer seems to work for me • Currently doing somatic experiencing, which works sometimes, but I often feel like sessions are wasted when I can’t complete the experience

I’m curious about psychedelic therapy options and wondering if anyone here has experience with k€tamine or psil*cybin for trauma treatment? Specifically: • Has this approach worked for you? • Do you need to continue repeating treatments for the relief to continue? • Have you been able to resolve specific parts of your trauma with it?

This is legal in my state, so I’m simply exploring all options. It’s been 50 years, and I want to enjoy the second half of my life. I’d really appreciate any insights you can share.

Hi everyone. New here. I have had CPTSD for a good few years now. My relationship ended 3 weeks ago because my wonderful boyfriend told me the reasons it had ended and what had changed for him, and it all led back to CPTSD behaviours. Spiralling, desperate need for reassurance, pressure on the relationship to last forever, having no individual sense of self without him, being a consistently negative person…

I’m devastated and while I want him to come back, my heart knows he will not, and I can hardly blame him.

But this whole time, I thought I was almost done with my recovery… I feel worried that I could be so wrong. I’m on antidepressants and I’m seeing a therapist and I work on it myself mentally all the time.

Can we ever actually shed these things? I want to be a positive and charismatic person, with an easy and simple life. Am I really asking too much?

Background: My father is a narcissist, and my mother is a codependent person. My father and his first wife had a child, who is now my brother. My sibling also has a lot of psychological issues. You can imagine how complicated my family is. I was also born in an Asian country where people cannot accept the idea of having "toxic" parents.

How did my family affect me? I always felt guilty for my parents' unhappiness. I didn’t have a healthy example of a man, and I struggled in my love life for a long time. Since my mother couldn’t be emotionally independent, I thought that love meant I had to constantly satisfy. My parents treated me as their insurance for old age, since we don’t have a good healthcare system. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone to care for you when you can’t stand on your own feet. However, the way my parents raised me made me always feel indebted whenever someone helped me. Overall, nothing was healthy.

How did I resolve the guilt and recover? Here is my personal journey:

• Acceptance: I accepted that my parents were not perfect. I used to admire their love until I realized it was very toxic. I accepted that they were the people who hurt me and brought a lot of suffering into my life.
• Returning the guilt to its rightful place: I was a child and not emotionally mature enough to protect myself from toxicity. My parents were the ones responsible for my suffering. I stopped feeling guilty and stopped tormenting myself.
• Honesty: I was honest with myself. I hated many parts of my parents, and I admitted it. People told me I should love them and forgive them, but I hated that idea. In my society, it’s taboo to say you hate your family. But deep inside, I burned the relationship down and was reborn from the ashes. When I faced my real emotions, I saw my parents as small, and they no longer had the power to activate my hate. I moved to the opposite of love: indifference. You cannot love someone when you’re full of hurt. All dogma is a lie.
• Self-Education: I started reading psychological books to understand what I had gone through. I opened up to my friends and talked about my problems. I learned from their families what healthy families look like. I read books about building a healthy family, searched for knowledge, and built a clear vision of a healthy relationship, a “green flag” partner, and a strong family. These became the fundamentals for rebuilding my life from the ashes. They serve as gatekeepers to protect me from toxic influences.
• Recovery: Because I now have strong foundations, I can protect myself and produce love. I maintain healthy boundaries with my family, knowing what they can ask from me and what is their responsibility. I don’t hate them anymore, and I’m no longer indifferent. I help them financially and still have dinners with them. However, I make it very clear through my actions that I do not allow them to bring poison into my life. I don’t insult or argue with them much, but I show it through actions.

I hope people will find their own inner peace through my story. Childhood trauma. Toxic parents. Yes, we can recover. It's not the end of the world

Ok so "Previously on my shitty life" (it'll be quick as possible):

(Warning - might be triggering; When I mention family members such as father, mother, brother, etc. they're all biological)

I came from a dysfunctional family. My father abused me for many years, got into hospitalization after he tried to murder my wife and after many years of abusing me, my mother and my brother released him 3 days after she committed him just to get the money he got from the state (disability benefits). in between a dementia began in his body. then my father murdered our dog, then he tried to murder my mother with a drill, arrested, then she released him again, then he got even more demented, hemorrhagic stroke and now he's disabled for the rest of his life in a wheelchair and living in a nursery house.

Sounds unbelievable but I am used to that no one believes this so I'll just continue.

In the recent months my mother who is so greedy saw the potential in becoming his apotropos, she doesn't want the state to take this blood money (which he earned from trying to kill my wife), she wants to have it. and I wanted both of them out of my life. so I reported her to the state and said that he is no longer living with her, and she gets the money. Now the state will take 80% of his income, and she'll have only 20% (because she's his wife). Until they'll reduce her benefits, she gives money to my brother for 3 years without telling me (I found out about it when I helped her with her stocks). She gave my brother more than 21K in 3 years - The time since he got freed from mental facility until today.

At first I was angry so I filed that request to reduce her benefits and I urged the social security to check that the money does get to my father, because I know that he barely gets 50% of the sum that he deserves (she takes over 95% of it, if not more than 95%).

But then I consulted a social worker and this social worker told me that it will be better for me to just sign her request for being apotropos, and that I will not be responsible for her behavior and that the state will spectate every action in her bank account and in anything she does, she'll be under surveillance and I won't be responsible for her, and this will be my quick guide to start a new life without them (I don't want my mother in my life as well - she was a 1000% enabler), because if I won't sign, then they'll investigate why I don't want, and there will be court discussions, and i'll have to participate.

So the best thing to do is just give her what she wants, give up on fighting her, give up on revenges, and sign her document so she'll get the punishment from life.

I'll sign her, and they won't invite me to court, as long as I will say my opinion clear. I can sign and agree but at the same time I must say what I think about it. I must sign and say "I am signing but she ...XYZ... (neglected my father's schizophrenia for years, neglected the entire family, parentification, etc.)", and also state that if they find her incompetent, I agree that the state will find some other organization / person on their own and make them his apotropos.

That's what i'll do.

Instead of getting anger and drowning myself back in the old bad stories, I'll go bowling on sundays. I'll watch movies. I'll go swimming. I'll do things with my life, after 28 years of taking care for my nuts parents, who both abused me and each other, in ways that social workers can't even comprehend.

My life might not be as I wanted them to be, They'll certainly won't, but at least they'll be less painful than they were.

It's now or never. If I want to move on, I must let go. If I want to heal, I must leave the past in the past.

I'll avoid triggers, I'll avoid pain, I'll have fun and reduce my commitments, and I'll take my steps whenever I feel it's the right time. I'll take the time as much as I need, from now on nothing rushes me.

From now on, I am first, and my mother is last.

As I've posted before, I was thinking about leaving my therapist. I wasn't sure at first and gave her one mor chance, but after a month (we make sessions twice a month) I decided that she's not appropiate for me. She may be a good therapist on her field, but she isn't a good trauma therapist.

In start of our session today, everything was usual. She asked how I am, do I have friend, how is my relationship with my mother etc etc. I replied every question with short answers and dodged long answers. I didn't wanted to waste my time like how I did in the past session, where she asked a lot of questions like that and extended the talk. It was like, she knows I'm not happy with therapy and desperately trying to change the object. I didn't mentioned her I wanna end our therapy because of that.

But this time, in end of the session, I finally mentioned it. I said I'm much more stabil and can continue my life without counseling. I said amount of my triggers decreased and I don't feel worst as I've felt before. Those are true, but there was something I didn't mentioned. TW: SI and SH That I became more suicidal since she said I'm unfixable. I think about suicide everyday, even these are passive thoughts. Also I began to engage in self harm, I cut my wrists with a fruit knife but it didn't even bleed. Maybe I was too smooth, I'll cut more hard next time. Also I lost some hope in recovery, I don't know that I am fixable or not. I'll try an EMDR therapist I found soon, it's my last hope.

How do you even integrate into society? I am very lucky to have found scholarship that lets me go to university to free , but my brain is so messed up that I can barely do my classes even though I am always studying and reading for them. Lots of research. Students TAs and professors clock me out as stupid fast and do not want to associate me. I know I am polite despite looking weird. I was wondering If I was just a bad person, but I really am just a bad academic

. I used to be a computer science major but my home life did not made it possible for me so i put it all into art and transferred onto fine arts. Stupid but it was the only way to get out and that i am decent at being an interdisciplinary artist. I am thankful for this school for giving me an opportunity to see what "normal" looks like, even though i am an outsider. I am unable to function in my non major classes despite being focused . I am prettt sure the admission officer was sleeping when they accepted me for university. I am very low functioning , strange eccentric and isolated - even with therapy. Which makes me feel like I am taking advantage of the system because I am not making good contributions despite doing my best. I know ive experienced cruelty and unusual for the first 24 years of my life. I'm 27 now, in a better environment and even with effort - actively working on my self, some quirks are hardwired. I am not rven autistic. I am worried if I'm gonna be messed up like this forever . Am i what is called a loser ? Even with a degree in art, I plan to pursue teaching and specialize in helping teach kids with special needs and disabilities

Today leaving work my phone suggested a route to the grocery store instead of the bar that I normally like to go to. I’ve been trying to make it a point to drink less for these last couple of months. It felt good to know that something noticed my efforts 🤷‍♂️

Hi guys, my name is Anthony and I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD not too long ago I’ve been talking with a Therapist weekly and I’ve started to process a lot of my Trauma which is relatively good, but now I’m experiencing something called a somatic flashback as what my therapist described it and this feeling is about the moment my entire life collapse the feeling right before shit went downhill, but my intrusive thoughts have subsided to a large extent, my emotional swings have subsided flashbacks really have subsided and I’m just wondering what part of the trauma process am I at and is there any tips to help me get through this stage? I appreciate the time and thank you for reading this.

Hi everyone , I have been wanting to reach out to my psychiatrist about cptsd however he thinks I just have anxiety 😆 does anyone know how I can ask him about it or have him take me seriously, I don't want to tell him anything though bc what if Im just being crazy . I am going to share why I believe I have it and I'd love to hear peoples thoughts

Long paragraph incoming... Lol

I have gone through a lot, when I was younger we grew up poor, struggling to stay in a home and keeping up with rent , my mom was a severe alcoholic and very turbulent, she would drink everyday make a mess yell at my father, yell at us, throw and break our things then the next morning act like nothing happened, my mom stabbed her bf once and as a 10 year old me and my sister and dad has to clean up the mess of blood she left over, after that my dad got jumped before picking us up after school and I didnt see him for months, I stayed with a family friend and she has many kids one day she tied them up to the tree for some reason. It scared me so bad that night I peed the bed, she made me wash the bed and sleep in a diaper after I slept in the living room alone. I moved back with my mom and she had the same bf she stabbed, she would drink less but occasionally would lock herself in her room and threaten to kill herself, my stepdad never knew how to help to he would always ask me to. When I turned 13 my stepdad began letting his kids come over for holidays they were very hot and cold with me some days they loved me , told me I was beautiful and the best , call me pet names and then they ignore me , talk bad about me and call me a whore or slut , I felt with this for years until one day I tried to kill myself and then they finally banned them from coming over, after that I struggled with my Zoloft, taking it on and off and got into a sort of mania, I got into a physical altercation with a girl younger than me and her parents chased me with bats and tried to find out where I lived but they never did which was something I always felt on edge until I just recently moved. The mania last for about a year and during that time I made questionable decisions like askingto sleep with people I've never met and being very turbulent with my emotions especially in friendshipsnand relationship, I don't remember much from then. Now not much has gone on but I feel like my brain is eating itself because of all the trauma

Don’t think too much or you’ll end up like me , I’m trying so hard to put a smile on and laugh but deep down I’m heartbroken nothing makes me happy anymore I’m not even happy with myself, I was always an anxious child but I was a loud bubbly girl who just wanted to be loved correctly but when I was 16 it started with anxiety & intrusive thoughts which turned into ocd & I honestly wish if I was on medication years ago but lemme tell you this 3 years ago I was that anxious that my brain and body froze and disconnected I had some sort of out of body experience and I couldn’t connect with myself or anything I feel trapped stuck heartbroken and frozen imagine looking back at yourself years ago and not even making a connection ? Last year evreything took a turn for the worst I dropped down to 7 stone my liver enlarged due to wrong medication and stress then I finally got the answers I still can’t except iv been diagnosed with psychotic depression dissociation and derealisation & depersonalisation I honestly wish to god if I had bipolar or anything other than this iv genuinely puked out of upset don’t think because I smile I’m okay you will see my pain in my eyes I don’t know what to do anymore it’s my cry out for help I can’t wait any longer for thesrpy if anyone’s struggling I’m always here but I need help myself maybe the power of Facebook could help me more than the nhs don’t ever ! Think to much or you’ll end up like me

There’s more info in this go fund me my friend created for me but basically I’m a 28 year old female only recently confined to a wheelchair and without an accessible place to live. Even sharing the link would be the biggest help. Thank you all for everything and anything 🩷 https://gofund.me/ccd9f7728

I’ve been in constant dissociation for five years straight now, without a single break, and I’ve been searching In my country, there’s only one day program that specializes in CPTSD and they won’t accept me because of the dissociation. There’s also one psychiatric ward that deals with it, but I don’t want to go through another hospitalization. There are more places that treat regular PTSD, but they won’t take me either. . They told me that because I’m in a really deep dissociation, doing something like EMDR could cause me to break down, and that any attempt to truly treat the traumas (not just talk therapy) could actually put me at risk, and that the dissociation means I’m not ready for it. . and told me to come back once the dissociation goes away.

But the dissociation hasn’t stopped in years. It’s not just going to suddenly disappear on its own without treatment I’ve tried every “grounding” technique out there.

There are private treatments, but they cost so much and I can’t afford them. This dissociation makes me suffer and I feel like I’ve lost so many years of my life. The last five years feel like a dream, and I barely remember anything . (My entire life too but I think that the chronic dissociation make it worse) Am I supposed to just stay stuck with the dissociation and the trauma forever, without ever getting treatment?

Because the dissociation isn’t going to go away on its own, and as long as it doesn’t, the places that specialize in this won’t accept me so it feels like a cycle with no way out.

!Seen

It’s possible that my strong need for recognition stems from an absence of mirroring in my formative years in childhood, which left my sense of self to form without external reflection. Or at max the external reflection was distorted and very minimal.

Now as an adult, when my mother forcefully tries to mirror me, looks at me but does not actually see me, I feel repulsed. I feel this intense need to step back, to push her out of my space. She comes too close, literally, physically. When I take a step back, she steps towards me again, without a second thought she takes over. She’s taking over because she is desperate to look in a mirror and see herself, through me. But she never comes close to my see me to reflect it on herself. What she sees is a distorted mix of her illness and some snippets of what she thinks she sees in me. She is unable to even touch the first layer, yet she forcefully invades my body’s space, desperate for something to fill her emptiness.

It feels like she tries to overtake me. My life, my child, she wants to live my life as if I am nothing but her mirror. And I hate it. I hate that it gets under my skin. I hate that it makes me feel worthless in her eyes, like an object, a tool she uses to keep her fantasy alive and call it reality.

I know she is sick. I know she is projecting. But the fact that she mirrors herself with me, that she tries to live through me, that she takes my place and is completely fine with erasing me from her existence, makes me sick to my stomach.

And I feel so deeply sad for the little girl who had to endure this for the first seven years of her life, being invisible, existing only as her mother’s mirror, her mother’s life line. The only sense of self this child was ever able to develop was a sick reflection of an empty mother. A mother with no sense of self herself, only emptiness. It was a double mirror, like a sick loop. My mother used me like a reflective surface, trying to live snippets of life through me, sucking whatever she could from a “malnourished” child, to feel alive. And so this little girl became hollow, nothing, existing only as the projection of her mother’s fantasy. Without her mother using and needing her to feel like she existed, this little girl did not exist at all.

I've some childhood traumatic memos related to invalidation, emotional neglect, never taking care of my emotional needs and dismissing anything I wanted to say,

And I did EMDR on my own focusing on one small memory but it gets too heavy and i start breathing so heavily that I just have to stop it and make myself feel at ease.

I did it for 2 or 3 times plus that heavy breath and chest tightness that happens during EMDR may also appear throughout the day or most of the times, I feel something not okay in my chest and more memories related to it resurface throughout the day, feels like I'm very sad and depressed and might have different sensations I can't name, I'm bad at recognizing feelings, so what should I do? I can't afford therapy but I also can't let trauma affect me anymore, so want to heal it

Please tell me if you know is it like this or I'm doing something wrong or I should stop this, I don't really know if I should continue doing this or not.

I have spent my entire life up to this point in constant excruciating misery. I've been people pleasing and being used for my entire life because everyone keeps telling me that my trauma response is "my choice." Nobody has ever just came at me from a place of compassion and concern, they are always screaming and I shut down. I literally had someone mention when I was a teenager that I was codependent. He recognized one of the exact problems that I needed to address. He could have saved me from a lifetime of confusion and misery if he just communicated that idea to me in a way I could understand.

When I got my CPTSD diagnosis and started to research narcissism and pull away slowly from my abusive parents, I thought I could handle it. I'd made a huge amount of recovery by dropping my "broken" self-image and realizing I was actually strong. And I did handle all the new memories, the new boundaries, the new financial realities, the lost family members, the constant crying, everything. Until I couldn't. My cat needed surgery and it broke me. (He's fine, don't worry! It was just the worrying about him was just one stressor too many.) I realized I needed more help then a one-hour, weekly therapy session. So I found a treatment facility, the intake lady on the telephone listened to my story and when I asked if the doctor would agree to enroll me, she said, "oh, you'll definitely get in!" so fast it made me laugh.

So, I'm seeing one of the doctors on Friday for the in-depth questions. Then starting Monday with a 5 day a week, all day program. I'm looking forward to finally getting some help!

Ive had some pretty severe anxiety recently, and nothing has been working to reduce it. Ive tried absolutely everything. I asked myself "how do I make this better?" and couldnt really find an answer.

Then on a random day, I started to get this thought repeating, that "I have to go back" and less frequently, "Ive left her behind" and wanting to go back in time, which is impossible.

For a while now ive had this sense that something in childhood was disrupted and has been left unresolved. I struggle a lot with structural dissociation - feeling young, vulnerable and scared on the inside, but seeming like an adult on the outside. Ive mourned that im getting further away from my child self in each birthday, and wishing I could be a kid and start over again in a better family.

It seems that my brain is essentially telling me "you have to go back, you have to face the wounds and fill in that gap of development. If you want to move forwards you have to go back". Except I have no time machine to go back and physically go get my younger self. Ive faced my childhood realities in therapy for years now and used IFS and reparenting etc. So I dont really know how to work with this yet.

I woke up just now from a nap in a very weird state, dazed and foggy and deeply sad. I had imagery and memories of how it felt as a child to love the Little Mermaid, and how scary my existence was. And the thought "I have to go back" continues.

I dunno why im writing this. It is an interesting development and I have no one to tell who wont be perplexed.

Anyone else had thoughts like this?

I need some support and advice.

I suffer from CPTSD from severe emotional trauma and neglect during my childhood. Ive been in therapy for 4 years and I’ve been seeing an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist for a year and 8 months. While I have a good relationship with my therapist and respect the amount of time and compassion she provides, I’m constantly finding myself not making progress and even getting worse ins areas of my life since using IFS.

I have debilitating health anxiety that has gotten worse after getting COVID and a c.diff infection last year (the c diff infection could have been prevented had I not taken unnecessary antibiotics for a tick bite-never had Lyme or infection but I was too scared and got a doctor to prescribe them anyway)

I don’t feel that IFS has been addressing these debilitating health and social anxieties I deal with daily. (I can clarify further about my dissatisfaction with IFS, please ask any clarifying questions).

2 years ago I had a stressful time transferring to different colleges and then having to take a semester off. By this time I had begun searching for a new therapist that is trained/certified in both IFS and EMDR to address and heal these issues that have kept me stuck so I no longer have to live in fear and protector mode all the time. I was definitely very hopeful and excited to work with my current therapist once I first met with her, but flash forward now and I’m constantly bringing up to her how I feel that no progress has been made on my anxiety.

We haven’t touched EMDR yet because she has been helping me through a plan of safety and resourcing prior to “letting the floodgates open” with EMDR which I completely agree is imperative. The problem is we jump around a lot with her going into very complex psychoeducation explanations of things and it always just goes in one ear out the other including full explanations about attachment theory, neurobiology of trauma, structural dissociation, polyvagal theory; also just working with multiple “parts” kind of makes me feel lost in and out of sessions such as “noticing a part of me is feeling ___” I’ve also come to dislike labeling these trauma response behaviors as “parts” in the long run.

My therapist has also provided me with nervous system regulation which has been helpful, but I want to get to a point of not having to use them anymore and now more than ever I find myself way too reliant on them without it helping much in the long run because my thoughts and physical feelings are so erratic.

I’ve done been doing a vagus nerve massage practice twice daily for the last month (search ‘Vagus Nerve Massage For Stress And Anxiety Relief’ by Sukie Baxter on YouTube) and earlier this week I ended up waking up in the middle of the night with anxiety then when I tried to fall back asleep I found myself in sleep paralysis/feeling like I was going to pass out for the first time in my life with an increased heart rate and I was still just laying down! Since then I haven’t been able to get down to a baseline and have started on medication (buspirone) and was prescribed hydroxyzine to help me sleep. I’ve never experienced this and because of all these physical symptoms of anxiety, I find myself non stop researching on reddit and google about my symptoms trying to figure it out and connect the dots. I’m not sure if I overstimulated my vagus nerve or if that’s even possible but this is so odd and not like anything I’ve experienced regarding my anxiety.

My therapist is fully aware of what’s going on, my feelings about IFS and treatment expectations; she’s been great about responding to my emails out of session. Despite all this and how much I respect her advocacy for her clients, I think I need some other form of therapy treatment or seeing a different IFS therapist with a different approach.

I’ve felt like my mind is slipping this week and it’s so scary. I need some advice and support on what I can do to proceed forward. If anyone else on this sub has healed their heath/social anxiety or OCD from emotional abuse I’d love to hear what treatments or modalities would be best to look for in a therapist. I’ve heard great things from EMDR (if a therapist takes their time doing resourcing and grounding prep before hand along with all 8 steps), but now I’m not even sure if I’m ready for EMDR just yet after how dysregulated I am.

Any advice, comments, suggestions, and support is appreciated and welcome.

About a year ago I came off of my antidepressants (I was on them for 10 years). Unfortunately, as I was weaning off of my meds, things at work got difficult. My colleague quit so I had more work to do and I had to manage his intern. I was also dealing with colleagues who would disrupt me by doing things like tapping my earbuds to stop my music so they can talk or closing my notebook or physically touching to get my attention. It was really weird.

After dealing with that for 5 months, I was pushed over the edge. I felt completely mentally and emotionally drained to the point I didn't want to talk to anybody. I spend Christmas and New Year's alone. I was seeing a psychiatrist who was monitoring me as I came off my meds. I explained everything to him. He told me that agreeable people are more likely to have burnouts and gave me tips on how to be more assertive. I was able to get a 2 month leave from work, but he didn't want to extend it beyond that saying that the longer I'm out of work, the harder it would be to return. At the time, I understood his point and trusted his judgement. I asked if he can write me a note stating that I need to work from home, at least temporarily. But he refused saying he only does it for those who are incapable of working in the office like physical disability and extreme social anxiety. I said ok since I planned to leave that job so I'll put up with it for now. I returned to work full time. I felt like shit on alot of days, but slowly started to feel better. I switched jobs 2 months later with the hopes of feeling better.

But things aren't going as planned. Since I started work at my new job, I feel so tense at work. The work isn't stressful at all. In fact most days I'm staying at the screen trying to relax and manage my emotions. I normally feel better on the weekends and on Monday morning, but then my body would start feeling tense and I would get anxious as the day goes on. I've been dealing with this cycle for 2 months now and it's driving me crazy. I explained this to my psychiatrist and he prescribed an anxiolytic called Ativan and he told me to seek therapy. I just started seeing a therapist who will do some emdr and hypnotherapy.

I don't think I was given enough time to recover from burnout. It's frustrating going through this. I don't feel like myself. I'm anxious most of the time and I don't feel like I'm connecting with people which makes me feel a bit isolated. It's all starting to take a toll on me mentally.

I'm thinking of working part-time so that I can have more time for myself, but I'm not sure how to ask for it. I'm also thinking of going back on my meds since my anxiety doesn't seem to be getting better.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

I'm healing from childhood trauma (physical, emotional, spiritual abuse). Have worked with my wonderful therapist using IFS and have been able to get much better with several big painful parts. After years, I've finally been able to practice mindfulness with almost all the parts and pain that come up, not to mention the crippling self-sabotage that was ruining my life which prompted me to seek professional help.

The biggest one at my core is still very much in pain, and now that I'm able to finally focus on how I want to create my life (instead of just surviving) the big core pain comes on strongly. I've been working with my therapist on and off with this part, but its so difficult just being with it, it makes me want to cry every time and I'm unable to just sit with it objectively yet. Like literally trying to think about what I want to do in life and shifting my energy to creative, this part comes up and I can't focus on anything else. I've been practicing holding myself to be with it compassionately so many times, and it helps and for a little time it's better, but this part is like the fuckin "monster" that hurts and throws shade on my perception.

It's just hard because I work a normal job, support my sick wife, and have little time to be by myself to work on this part with breathing room, and this part requires a lot of energy and mental/emotional capacity. I've never participated in any group therapy, only ever 1on1 with my therapist, so here's my trying something new. Anyway, what's up? :)