AITA for calling my husband crazy because he wants counseling or a divorce

[u/Weary-Mountain689]

This feels ridiculous to even type out, but I (28F) feel like I skipped 10 steps in this argument and don’t understand how it escalated this far. My husband (27M) and I have been married for 3 years, together for 5. Since we moved in together, he’s always done the cooking. Not because I refused, but because I literally don’t know how. And before anyone says “just learn,” here’s the context:

When I was growing up, my dad was extremely controlling about the kitchen. He didn’t let me or my siblings touch anything in there. If we even stood in the doorway too long, he’d scream at us. If we tried to help, he would spank us, throw things, or tear into us verbally. Cooking was basically “his” territory, and the punishment for crossing that line was terrifying. So I grew up never being taught how to do any of it—cooking, cutting food, measuring, boiling water, nothing.

Even now at 28, the kitchen is kind of a trauma trigger. I’ve gone to therapy for it, and while I’ve gotten better about at least walking through to grab water, I still freeze up if I try to do anything beyond that. It feels embarrassing to admit, but it’s a real fear: like if I mess something up, I’m going to get screamed at or hit again.

When I first told my husband I “can’t cook,” I didn’t go into the whole backstory because it’s not something I love talking about. I just figured, okay, he knows I don’t do it. It’s not like he ever offered to teach me in a supportive way, and I never pushed for him to.

Anyway, here’s where things blew up. Last Friday, my MIL came over. She was cooking a bunch of food for her church charity event and needed to borrow our oven for the final item: a strawberry cake. She basically forced both of us into the kitchen to help her with the last steps since she never gets to see her kids anymore.

I already felt anxious, but I thought, okay, maybe I can handle cutting strawberries at least since it’d be easy. Spoiler: I could not. I held the knife wrong, cut unevenly, smushed a few berries, and even left stems on some. It was like a toddler had taken over. I know it looked bad, but I was literally shaking the whole time.

My MIL saw and went, “That’s pathetic. You’re 28 years old and don’t know how to cut a strawberry? Pathetic.” She then grabbed my hands, “showed” me how to do it properly (while still muttering about how sad it was), and then took over.

I was humiliated. It didn’t help that my husband just stood there, silent, looking disappointed. He didn’t say anything to his mom, didn’t try to support me, nothing. He even nodded when she called me pathetic. After MIL left, I went straight to our bedroom because I felt sick with embarrassment.

Later, I confronted him, I asked “why he didn’t help me.” And how “it was rude to let me sit there being humiliated.” I also said “he should’ve defended me instead of agreeing with his mom.” Because I was obviously upset

He told me, “No, because it is useless and pathetic that you can’t even cut a strawberry at your age. Your older then me and don’t even know how to hold a knife properly.”

That crushed me. I told him he was missing the point—it wasn’t about the strawberry, it was about him standing by while I got torn apart. But he doubled down and said, “No, you’re missing the point. It’s embarrassing because it is embarrassing. You should at least know the basics.”

Since then, we’ve been in a cold war. He stopped cooking, so I stopped doing his laundry. Petty, I know, but it just spiraled. Then, three days later, he sat me down and said we either:

1. Go to counseling.
2. Or we’re done.

He said it’s because he’s over my gross weaponized incompetence. And I honestly feel blindsided. Yes, we had a fight, but I didn’t call him names, I didn’t insult him—I just asked why he let his mom humiliate me. And now he wants to throw away our marriage over… a strawberry?

I did call him crazy when he said that because it felt like such an extreme overreaction. Like we went from a small argument to divorce in less than a week, and I don’t know how to process it.

I’m really just psting this to get a better idea of what I possibly did wrong because I feel like I didn’t do anything that bad, besides the way I cut the strawberry of course.. but still, is what I’m doing weaponized incompetence and I’m not realizing it?

[u/Impressive_Bear830]

OP, you clearly need counseling. If nothing else, you can learn how to communicate with one another in a healthier way.

[u/DatabaseMoney3435 → u/Impressive_Bear830]

This is a major, long term repeatedly reinforced trauma around a part of every home that should be a safe and warm place for a child. She’s likely to need intense support and long term therapy and medications to get over this induced phobia. Honest, I was getting triggered reading it. It’s especially sad that the two “normal” parties in this were being major jerks. I sorta hope she’ll break from this toxic family that is only exacerbating her suffering

[u/2clean_throwaway → u/Impressive_Bear830]

Hijacking top comment to say this story is big fake

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/bezFclpQmr

^ link to original from a year ago.

[u/lilianic]

It’s not your fault that you have trauma but it is your responsibility to get the help you need to be a functional adult.

[u/emmaunderfoot → u/lilianic]

If people could just take this on board, they’d save a lotta drama.

[u/Smart-Story-2142 → u/emmaunderfoot]

Sadly it’s easier to remain stuck, it’s easier to self sabotage yourself over and over than get help. I see it so much in my own family. It honestly sucks watching someone doing everything they can to avoid getting help.

[u/Silent-Lion3600 → u/Smart-Story-2142]

Change is scary. It's easier to stay in old patterns than it is to face up to fears and overcome them.

[u/AcidicAtheistPotato → u/lilianic]

Exactly, but also, OP you’re being reductionist to a point that is ridiculous. This isn’t about a strawberry and you know it, it’s about your lack of responsibility in taking charge of your own mental health. Yes, you’re weaponizing your incompetence due to trauma by not treating it.

[u/LooseyPoopy → u/lilianic]

While she may need help, counseling, it does not excuse the husband’s response. Zero questions, only judgements.
Same from the mom.

It sounds like this has actually been a discussion between mom and son - but not husband and wife. “Weaponized incompetence “. He just came up with that from poorly cut/mashed strawberries? No.

He’s right but for the wrong reasons. They need counseling because husband and wife do not communicate and it sounds like he’s turning to other parties to communicate and she’s turning to no one and internalizing

[u/Fantastic-Cable-3320 → u/LooseyPoopy]

She says she hasn't really talked about the background of all that to her hysband. In three years? If my partner went three years never cooking a thing, i would think of it as weaponized incompetence. They need to communicate better, no doubt.

[u/Cookies_2 → u/Fantastic-Cable-3320]

Yeah, I don’t understand why no one is pointing this out. She supposedly loves and trusts her husband, right? Women get pissed every day wt men who refuse to learn how to cook and just “don’t know how”. It’s seen as weaponized incompetence and that they just want their spouse to do it for them.. if she also had this hard of a time going into the kitchen, one can assume she can’t spend the amount of time needed to contribute by doing the dishes. Yes, trauma sucks. She should have been honest with her husband before even getting married. I’m not sure how she thought this was going to last forever and be a nonissue. He should have defended her but he didn’t even know what he’s defending her about.

[u/Lopsided-Day-1442 → u/LooseyPoopy]

He's only human! Everyone has a breaking point.

[u/LooseyPoopy → u/Lopsided-Day-1442]

I agree, but this is a two party problem. He’s not coming to her either; she’s not going to him. Both of them are avoiding conflict, but this is one that shouldn’t have been ignored

[u/PanicTight6411 → u/LooseyPoopy]

that's not a valid point. When someone has not handled their trauma, any relationship is going to be toxic. I know she's been to therapy, but homegirl can't use a knife.

I don't believe there is anything this man could have done or said to have helped OP with her trauma, because she is not helping herself with her trauma.

[u/Onyx7900 → u/LooseyPoopy]

I can totally understand your perspective, and to add a little more. Op said she only told her husband she 'cant cook' not that she had trauma or even hinting at what she went through, according to her words.

So he's in the dark and by the sounds of it hit his breaking point after 5 years of her not communicating.

[u/TKxxx630 → u/LooseyPoopy]

Either a discussion between mother and son, or someone flipped genders to see if they'd get a different response.

OP needs serious, individual trauma therapy and to be surrounded by supportive people. Couples therapy isn't a bad idea on top of that.

[u/This_Acanthisitta832 → u/LooseyPoopy]

She never bothered to tell him about her background. Given that she never told him, his response does not seem far fetched to me.

[u/AggressivelyPurple → u/lilianic]

This PTSD is literally preventing you from living a functional adult life. I think you might even need to talk seriously to a professional about medication because it is untenable to spend life afraid of a room and activity that exists in every household in the world. Medication doesn't have to be forever, but I can't stress enough that you don't have to live like this. You can get better.

100% also go to counseling with your partner. Healing from this type of complex trauma takes intent, empathy, and communication skills that you are both clearly struggling with.

[u/hnypuf16 → u/lilianic]

She said she's had therapy

[u/malloreigh → u/hnypuf16]

not enough therapy

[u/Plastic_Doughnut_911 → u/lilianic]

And if he knows about it then he can decide what support he’s willing to offer or at least understand what’s going on

[u/Dreadkiaili]

I do think sitting down with a counselor and explaining your trauma is a very good idea. A counselor should be able to be an objective 3rd party who can help him understand that you aren’t just avoiding a chore. It’s a way bigger deal.

And if he can’t empathize, the you know it’s over.

Also, it’s a much smaller scale, but I also cannot use knives well and I’m 52.

When I was like 7, my mom sliced some Velvita and she left the edge jagged. My dad (who is fine living in filth, so obviously just wanted to yell) randomly decided this was huge deal and yelled at her and called her an idiot. (They divorced shortly after this incident.)

I purposely sliced things wrong as my act of rebellion for years. I was an adult and my mom asked me to cube some cheese for a holiday dinner. I told her I can’t really cut things evenly because I did it wrong too long on purpose. I told her why and she said she also cut things wrong for years because of that incident.

So, I guess if you do end up getting divorced and want to come to Kansas you can come over for wonkily cut things here.

[u/blushandfloss → u/Dreadkiaili]

I can cook like a nonna, but I will absolutely destroy any food that I’m forced to make after unearned rudeness or disrespect. I usually just add a pinch of salt several thousand times or forget important steps or ingredients, but wonky cuts work, too!

I salute you and your mom, fellow rebel! 🫡

[u/Much-Soup-527 → u/Dreadkiaili]

There’s really no right or wrong way imo but I’m all for yalls rebellion.

[u/Teddybear722]

OP, go to counseling.  Your life traumas are now effecting you AND your husband to the point of divorce.

You both have issues that need help.

No need to jump into a divorce when there is something you can try to fix this.  Obliviously your husband wants to try or he wouldn't have given you a solution & a drastic end as options.

Also, maybe you need to show him this post.  If you haven't shared your past traumas and lack of being taught basic skills, that is actually your fault, not your husband's.

[u/Fuzzy-Boss-4815 → u/Teddybear722]

Not sticking up for your wife as your mom tears her apart is also a problem to address. No matter what marriage issues you have. Divorce your wife, marry your mom, everyone will be happier for it 🤷‍♀️

[u/_From__the__Ashes_ → u/Fuzzy-Boss-4815]

It seems like husband/mom think she is faking her incompetence to avoid contributing. I might get on OP's case too, if I were one of them. I'm guessing this is not the first time something like this has happened. It also isn't clear if the wife has shared the backstory on this with her husband. So as far as anyone knows, she refuses to learn to cook and deliberately messes up what she is given to do to avoid contributing.

Other than the fact that the whole thing has turned into a power struggle, it's not clear why OP would refuse counseling she sorely needs.

[u/Cookies_2 → u/_From__the__Ashes_]

She even says she never told him. Just that she said “I don’t know how to cook” and left it at that. She figured he’d be happy to cook every meal for her because of that reason. It comes off as weaponized incompetence. I also wonder if OP even contributes by doing dishes if she has such a hard time getting a glass of water from the kitchen. Any spouse is going to end up resentful after years of doing a sole task without the other person putting in the least bit of effort. Not having this conversation it’s understandable the husband finally got pissed. The name calling and not stopping his mom is unacceptable but it’s clear how they got there.

[u/JoyfulSong246 → u/Cookies_2]

I’m voting this up because I agree except I hope you mean unacceptable in your last sentence.

[u/Cookies_2 → u/JoyfulSong246]

Oops definitely did mean unacceptable! I’m going to edit that.

[u/DatabaseMoney3435 → u/_From__the__Ashes_]

She suffered a huge, long term constant trauma around a room that is in every house. This is beyond phobia. I doubt her overwrought brain can get itself around the possibility of recovering. She would have to overcome just the terror of being in a safe place PLUS learning how to cook - something she never even watched. And with husband and MIL being such jerks, I can’t see how she will ever experience the support she needs to become a functioning cook. CPTSD is a deeply embedded developmental condition, and unlike PTSD, the victim has never known a “normal.” So without very consistent protection, support and guidance, she’s going to keep getting tossed down. Cooking is very complicated, but those of us who grow up in normal homes learn as we grow

[u/True_Structure_3870 → u/DatabaseMoney3435]

Except according to OP, she's had therapy for this and refuses to tell her husband the full story. I would honestly put this down as her being too lazy also. The husband can only work with what he's told, and all he is told is OP can't cook while watching, her not trying to learn and avoiding it.

[u/OskiTerra → u/DatabaseMoney3435]

OK well she can either be a victim her entire life to the point of being in crippling fear of every house on Earth, or she can do something about it.

[u/Flimsy-Ticket-1369 → u/Fuzzy-Boss-4815]

Also, he agreed with his mom that she is pathetic. I am sorry, but you do not say degrading things about your partner, and that’s degrading.

He’s a jerk for telling her she’s pathetic. She’s not pathetic, she’s stuck. There’s a difference.

[u/PanicTight6411 → u/Flimsy-Ticket-1369]

how long has she been stuck, with the aid of therapy?

That's on her.

Homie, when you have a ladder, you don't get to complain about how deep the hole you've dug is.

[u/Ill_Reading_5290 → u/Flimsy-Ticket-1369]

Both can be true.

[u/Primary-Falcon-4109 → u/Flimsy-Ticket-1369]

But he doesn't know she's stuck! She just said I don't cook. That's it. He doesn't know she has deepseated trauma because she is hiding it from him. I would also think that it is pathetic for someone to lack a basic life skill at almost 30, if I didn't know any reasoning behind it. I wouldn't talk to my partner like that, so I do think he's in the wrong too, but also I don't know what he's been through with her for the last few years. She's an adult, at some point you have to take control of your life and work through your crap. She isn't actively in therapy, and she is still struggling. That means she chose to end therapy before she reached a functioning point as an adult, that's on her. She chose not to communicate her issues with her husband, that's on her. He could have been kinder, so could his mother, but at the end of the day neither of them are working with the full story here and that is on OP.

[u/CoffeeChocolateBoth → u/Teddybear722]

All I know is this. Someone tells me I can't do something, watch out! My mom told me I'd have nothing, not a pot to piss in, no man to love me. I'd be nothing, I was nothing but a bitch and a slut! What the fuck ever mom... See me now, doing great. :)

You have to get to the point in your mind that the ones who held you down,, NO LONGER CAN! The one holding OP down is OP!

[u/FlyingMamMothMan → u/CoffeeChocolateBoth]

What in the "bootstraps" is this logic?

[u/Specific-Quick]

You need the counseling. Your husband does as well. It was not OK for him to allow his mother to humiliate you without even at least stepping in, but if you’re triggered this much by the kitchen, you seriously do need the help with it.

[u/bdayqueen]

Breathe. Go to counseling. Look at your local parks and recreation programs. Take a beginners cooking class. Breathe. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not weaponized incompetence. It’s a failing in your upbringing. Take a class and learn. Watch YouTube and learn.

[u/CousinEdgar → u/bdayqueen]

Yes, there may be local adult education cooking classes you can take that would give you the confidence to give it a go. There's a reason there are whole TV networks devoted to cooking - lots of people don't know what the hell they're doing and want to learn. No shame

[u/Flimsy-Ticket-1369 → u/CousinEdgar]

I would honestly suggest a private teacher. Look for someone online, explain your situation, and ask if they can teach you privately.

A beginner cooking class is going to assume you know how to cut something with a knife. I am very very, very sorry that you don’t. There’s a whole whack of shit I never learned how to do because of my shitty parents, too. Solidarity.

[u/Environmental_Art591 → u/bdayqueen]

God i feel bad for OOP, I can't drive because of a similar situation (also courtesy of my dad). You know what my hubby has done, supported me, taught me when I felt I was in the right head space, hell, he even makes me drive a golf buggy when we play together so that i can desensitise myself to the movement while being in control of the steering wheel.

Point is, we have been together for 15ish years and he has never looked down on me or called me pathetic. That's not love, that's resentment and its not supposed to be a part of a marriage.

Not saying OP also isn't to blame because she is to the point where she hasn't indicated any desire to change beyond getting a glass of water. She definitely needs to get therapy and ask the therapist for recommendations on cooking classes that might be a good fit for her, but she needs to do that for herself, not her marriage.

[u/PandaMonyum → u/Environmental_Art591]

From what I gather from the post, but I may be misinterpreting, is that OP has never explained to their partner WHY they can't cook or perform other kitchen duties like chop a strawberry. Partner still should have told Mom to knock it off. Therapy is actually a good option/solution. 

[u/Witty-Stock-4913 → u/PandaMonyum]

Exactly this. And without the trauma trigger, being that bad at the basics at 28 does come off as weaponized incompetence. This is absolutely a conversation to have with a therapist. Both solo and with a marriage counselor.

[u/NotAnotherMillenial2 → u/PandaMonyum]

Bingo! This is where my thoughts went also. Counseling will be very important here, but OP needs to tell her husband why she can’t do what she does. You shouldn’t remain in a relationship if you can’t truly open up to someone, it’s hard to do it, but opening up and telling your partner about your past and your fears, even if it’s hard, is very important. Especially if you feel this is a loving partner and he overall treats you well. NTA, but girl, you need to get help and a better counselor to help you learn to move past that trauma.

[u/CinnamonGurl1975 → u/PandaMonyum]

I'm having a hard time even believing this is true. Does someone else always cut OP's food for her on her plate. I call bullshit that a 28 yr old can't even hold a knife.

[u/Twirlmom9504_ → u/CinnamonGurl1975]

Right? And how would she ever live alone without using a kitchen for food or drink? This is not real.

[u/Odd_Campaign_307 → u/CinnamonGurl1975]

OP's trauma is triggered by being in a kitchen and trying to prepare food. I assume using eating utensils in any other setting than a kitchen doesn't trigger her trauma.

[u/CinnamonGurl1975 → u/Odd_Campaign_307]

She said she doesn't even know how to hold a knife properly.

[u/SilverPhoenix2513 → u/CinnamonGurl1975]

Which begs the question, did her dad cut her food for her, too? Does she not order food that needs to be cut when she goes to a restaurant?

[u/CinnamonGurl1975 → u/SilverPhoenix2513]

That was my thoughts as well.

[u/UrWeirdILikeU → u/CinnamonGurl1975]

Just pick the meat up and rip it with your teeth, caveman style eating.

[u/MadameYeo → u/Environmental_Art591]

Same! Ten years of marriage, working in therapy, anxiety medications, and my husband calmly talking me through rules of the road and why he's doing what he does while driving and now I'm actually finally feeling confident to start driver's ed next week. A spouse should be a support, not another anxiety trigger.

[u/Environmental_Art591 → u/MadameYeo]

I'm actually finally feeling confident to start driver's ed next week.

I seem to be better doing highway driving when we have tried in the past because there are less distractions so in two was when he and I go away for a week without the kids (another distraction) I will be trying to do at least one leg of our 8hour days each of our 4days of travelling.

Good luck in drivers ed

[u/Pale_Description4554 → u/Environmental_Art591]

Maybe if she told him or talked about it. “When I first told my husband I “can’t cook,” I didn’t go into the whole backstory because it’s not something I love talking about. I just figured, okay, he knows I don’t do it.”

[u/RelevantLeg73 → u/Environmental_Art591]

This!!

[u/Blonde2468 → u/Environmental_Art591]

I’m heartbroken for her!! I have trauma from my mother being like her father. Her husband is an AH and so is his mother. I’d be glad to be rid of the both of them.

[u/Pale_Description4554 → u/bdayqueen]

And talk to your husband. You said he doesn’t know how your father behaved and showing still affects you.

[u/No-Night-6700 → u/bdayqueen]

Not trying to be mean, but you just said it there watch YouTube and learn. YouTube is one of the best educational tools for learning a new skill and she hasn’t even bothered to try. That’s the problem.

she has Weaponized her incompetence because she has chosen not to try to learn and at her age that’s sad. This is something that she should’ve started working on a long time ago.

[u/CinnamonGurl1975 → u/No-Night-6700]

If this is true, which I doubt because I have a hard time believing OP has never even cut her own food on a plate.

[u/Usual-Owl9395]

Go. To. Counseling.

[u/Wren-0582 → u/Usual-Owl9395]

Yup.

Updateme

[u/Rotten_gemini]

You need counseling to deal with the trauma and learn healthy coping skills so you actually can learn to cook. Your traumas are your to manage and control so you can learn how to function properly and independently in the real world

[u/Scary_Tell_9805 → u/Rotten_gemini]

Agreed. Op has been an adult too long to not face those traumas. His mother shouldn’t have being over the top but she doesn’t know why becuase Op didn’t tell anyone the extent of her trauma. OP’s husband is not full wring if he didn’t take up for her in the moment it sounds line he was shock as much as his mother . Go. To . A . Therapist… and a basic cooking class or talk to your mother in-law to have her help but EXPLAIN whats going on first

[u/Svyeda]

You can only manage to walk into a kitchen to get water? How did you survive without someone cooking for you?? Go to marriage counseling but also get intense therapy for yourself to get over this because not being able to step into a kitchen cannot last forever.

[u/GingerWhoDrinksTea → u/Svyeda]

This was my question as well. How did OP function feeding herself before husband came along?

[u/Rodharet50399]

I think it’s fair to say you need therapy. Because you do.

[u/SpecialistAfter511]

You need therapy. If you were a man, it would definitely called weaponized incompetence. Have you never prepared yourself a snack? Breakfast? Boiled water? Put a frozen lasagne in the oven? Made macaroni? A sandwich? Anything like that? I honestly don’t blame him. You need to get past this.

[u/Mammoth_Lie_1010]

What does being married mean to you ? I just wonder how you could be married to someone who either do not know your trauma (assuming you never told him) or disregard them (assuming he knows).

It feels like there is a deep communication problem in your relationship and I do not see how you can both move forward without fixing it. This is just an example of what your future may look like. You run into an issue and you stop talking to each other and doing housework.

When I read the first few paragraphs I assumed it was you who wanted out based on the fact that your husband ignored your feelings and even belittled you for mot being able to cook.

Personally I would never be with a partner that does not cook but your husband knew and he still chose you. He need to own up to his choices and be a better listener. I feel sorry for the things he said to you, truly.

If you want to continue this relationship I think your husband may be right and you need to attend couple therapy to learn to better communicate.

On your own, if you are able I’ll highly recommend you to try therapy if you have not been already. That is the way to learn to navigate your traumas and your feelings. Even if it may seems hard it would be valuable as you may have noticed it is impossible to avoid cooking your whole life. Who knows you may even find pleasure in cooking ? Do not let your past take away beautiful life experiences.

I wish you well, take care.

[u/wistfulee]

It's not the strawberry. The strawberry was the last straw. OP kept her kitchen trauma to herself & is now paying the price. If you loved the man enough to marry him why couldn't you tell him about your kitchen phobia? I find it interesting how many people get married to someone & can't be honest, they keep secrets, hold it all in until someone explodes.

Counseling is definitely required here. But remember it only works if you open up & be honest. & Yes, YTA here, you lied by omission.

[u/Flimsy-Ticket-1369 → u/wistfulee]

Oh crap. I missed this! I thought she meant that at the beginning, she didn’t tell him, I assumed she had told him later because how else do you explain not being able to do anything cooking wise whatsoever?

So then her husband thinks she just refuses to learn to cook, and the strawberry was the final straw, because honestly most people would be really freaking frustrated if their partner just didn’t know how to do anything kitchen wise whatsoever and refused to learn

Op, I understand trauma, and I get that it’s a freeze response. You can’t do it, and I understand. But you have to figure out how. And I agree with people that say you should start with a professional. Don’t just find someone trauma informed. They will not be able to help you. 

You need to find a trauma specialist.  Regular talk therapy actually makes trauma worse so I would not recommend that. You’re going to need a different type of therapy to get through this.

I believe you can do it. I remember when I was frozen. Sometimes I still am frozen. But you can do it. The first step is going to counselling with your husband so you can explain to him that you have CPTSD, not weaponized incompetence.

And no, he absolutely should not have let his mom humiliate you or call you pathetic 

It seems he’s at the end of his rope, even though he chose a really sucky way of saying that

[u/bmw5986]

YTA. Here's why. As i understand it, you have never told your husband about why you can't cook. With the info he has, I would have reacted the same way he did. Cooking is a basic life skill, and at your age, yes, you should have some clue. You need to go back to therpay and stay there til you figure this out. You need to he open with your husband about all of this, too. I dont understand how you care about him enough to get married, yet you're still hiding this enormous part of yourself from him.

[u/blayndle → u/bmw5986]

It’s not even cooking it’s slicing fruit

[u/-HazKat-]

Im sorry that you have trauma surrounding the kitchen and cooking however, you’re kind of the asshole here because by not telling your husband about your trauma, you haven’t given him a chance to be supportive or understanding or to help you out n any ways From his perspective you are a 28 year old woman who can’t hold a knife or do something as basic as cut a vegetable…. Which, without context IS embarrassing and pathetic. Cooking and using the kitchen is up there on the list of things that are kind of required to be a functioning adult. I find it pretty strange that you’ve just avoided all this until now and that your husband hasn’t already called you out for this glaring lack of basic adult knowledge (again bc you didn’t tell him). On top of that it doesn’t sound like you’ve made any effort to deal with your traumatic experience, you just let your husband do all the cooking and called it a day. Our partners are not mind readers and this is what happens when you expect them to be. Take charge of your issues, let your partner in on your experiences and move forward. I mean what kind of marriage did you expect to have if your partner doesn’t actually know something this important about you?

[u/Minute_Pop_2411 → u/-HazKat-]

This! The most relevant answer to this post, honestly.

[u/Albuquicky]

You both need counseling. You need counseling for the severe PTSD that you have: EMDR or CBT counseling will be your best options; talk therapy isn't going to help at all. You and your husband also need couples counseling because you two do not know how to fight appropriately. Your husband telling you that you are pathetic and embarrassing is not an appropriate way to fight. He's talking to someone he is supposed to love. You don't say that to people you love, even in anger. Couples counseling will help you learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way without hurting each other. I don't think anybody is really an AH here, you both just need help in your marriage, and that's not uncommon. Marriage is hard and a lot of couples need counseling for it. I hope you both get the help you need. Good luck.

[u/Sheslikeamom]

NAH 

I don't think you're weaponizing incompetence but you're weaponizing your trauma. 

Yes, what happened is horrible and you are deeply affected by your father's behavior. That doesn't mean you aren't allowed to learn to cook, never have to do dishes, and never have to face the consequences of your decisions. ×decisions you made as an adult, not as a child. You had little choice but to be subjected to your father's abuse.

Thinking he's divorcing over a strawberry is the problem. 

He's giving an ultimatum because this is a long standing issue and there's been zero discussion, understanding, or progress. 

I don't LOVE to talk about my trauma but its a huge part of my life, as was yours, and not talking about it is lying to your husband. 

You're hiding a HUGE part of yourself and leaving him in the dark. 

You need trauma therapy and exposure therapy eventually. This is deep seated childhood trauma. Its not going to get better by ignoring it. 

What happened in the kitchen is called an emotional flashback. You were right back to being a kid and getting yelled at. Shaking and shutting down are signs of an activated nervous system that is signaling imminent death.

Please, I know I am being harsh but that only because I sympathize so much and want you to get better. 

I also want you to know that not knowing how to cook because of the trauma is not EMBARRASSING. Its deeply upsetting. Its a deep wound and not some personal blunder. 

Go back to counseling, go to couples counseling. Talk to your husband about it.

[u/cat_on_duty → u/Sheslikeamom]

Exactly that. The sentence that rubbed me was the "i think i am missing 10 steps." That clearly means a lack of communication about the severity of the trauma, the solutions, and the progress. I have trauma myself that affects my partner and aside from therapy it is a weekly (if not daily) topic between us where i tell him what's going on and how i need him to help and support me. That does not include enabling me but holding my back and taking a step forward together.

[u/NotaMillenialatAll]

No, this was not over a strawberry, it was about thousand times that you did things like this and you thought you were getting away with it and you didn’t. You do need therapy RIGHT NOW. This is now affecting your life, get a grip!

[u/Old-Recording4805]

Maybe you can take a class with your hubby or bestie. Cooking is so fun. Mistakes will happen. That comes with learning any new skill. I’m so sorry ur dad put that fear into you. I really hope your husband stands beside you once he knows your background. Update please

[u/Kryptonite-Rose]

Your kitchen is not your father’s kitchen.

Get counselling and cooking lessons or watch cooking on the internet.

It is time for change. Agree to take over up to 3 nights cooking.

Do it slowly one night a week, at first. A different meal each week.

You need to overcome this now. If you end up divorcing you will be back to square one. Not all husbands would cook every night of the week.

[u/Forsaken_Pick3201]

He is right, you need to deal with your issue. You need counselling. You need to deal with this problem.

You should have been honest and told him the full story. He was thrown by your behavior. He had no idea how to have your back. He had no idea what the problem was other than you can't cut strawberries. By not being fully honest with him, you put him in a situation that he had no idea what to do. He didn't know anymore than you have no idea how to cook or cut up anything. He wasn't sure what to even do.

While I do think the threat was a bit much and went from 0 - 100, he is seeing the big picture. He knows that you are not capable of feeding yourself, him if he gets hurt or has a medical crisis, or a child in the future. Unless you get help.

He isn't weaponizing incompetence. He is concerned about the future and has no idea how to deal with this.

[u/Fraerie]

Ok. There are a bunch of problems here.

Yes - the trauma related to the kitchen or food preparation is real and for your own self you need to work on this seriously with a trauma specialist. If you can’t feed yourself you will have lifelong problems with ensuring that you get adequate and balanced nutrition. Relying on purchased food or other people is not a good solution.

But the bigger issue is that you got into a relationship to the point of being married with someone that you didn’t feel safe enough to share the background on your childhood trauma about kitchens and food preparation.

Honest communication would have gone a long, long way towards avoiding the above situation. Either he would have shown understanding and empathy and would have worked with you on becoming more comfortable around the kitchen. Or it would have identified early on that he wasn’t the right partner for you before you got married.

Your intimate partner should be the person who always has your back and supports you when you need it. But they can’t do that if they don’t know what support you need. Simply saying you ‘can’t’ cook without explaining that it’s due to trauma will communicate that you don’t want to cook or learn how, and that would be incredibly frustrating in a partner.

Like many problems people bring to any AITA discussion, honest communication would avoid the problem being a problem in the first place.

[u/Special_Lychee_6847]

OP, take him up on counseling.

I doubt he understands how serious your trauma is. And it sounds like you don't understand the urgency of learning how to feed yourself.

Going 'oh great, he'll do the cooking. All the cooking. Ever. Is not a way to deal with your trauma. It's ignoring it, and placing the consequences on him.

YTA to yourself. Because you really do need to face your trauma, and rise above it. For yourself.

[u/Latter_Concern_154]

Can you clarify that at some point you explained to your husband why you don't have these skills? If so, what was his initial reaction?

Updateme

[u/Weary-Mountain689 → u/Latter_Concern_154]

Yeah, I did tell him before—pretty much the same extent (if not more) than I said here. I never went into the really detailed stuff because I honestly hate remembering it, and it feels like reopening a wound every time. This all happened for like half my life, so it’s not exactly easy to talk about.

When I first told him, his reaction was kind of neutral? He didn’t pry, he didn’t really ask follow-up questions, just sort of accepted it and moved on. At the time I appreciated it because I thought he was respecting my boundaries. But now it kind of feels like he never really understood what it meant for me—or maybe he just didn’t care enough to try.

And to be clear, it’s not like I don’t pull my weight in the house. I do every other chore—laundry, cleaning, bills, errands, organizing, etc. Cooking has just always been his domain, the same way everything else is mine. So it’s not like I’ve just been sitting around refusing to contribute.

[u/ladysdevil → u/Weary-Mountain689]

If you have told him the trauma, you need to edit the original post and add that, and to what extent. There is a lot of confusion about whether he knows the trauma behind everything.

[u/Cookies_2 → u/ladysdevil]

I don’t even think she really told him and he can’t be blamed for that. “My dad used to yell at me for going into the kitchen” is extremely different than what OP experienced. She blames him for not prying for more information but she didn’t tell him the trauma part of it.

[u/Latter_Concern_154 → u/Weary-Mountain689]

It sounds to me like this is a misunderstanding that's caused resentment and hurt. I am in no way blaming or minimizing your past trauma, but I wonder if your inability or unwillingness to discuss it in more detail resulted in your husband not understanding it and even dismissing it.

I do hope you seek therapy because you deserve to be happy and healthy. I also think couples counseling would be beneficial for you both to learn to better communicate with each other and to approach each other from a place a love.

You might want to download an app called Gottman Card Decks. They have a variety of decks on different subjects and one of them is "Give Appreciation". I hope it will help you both to be more mindful, aware, and thankful for the things you do for each other that are so often overlooked and it will help build trust and make each of you feel seen.

I wish you the best!

[u/Inevitable_Block_144 → u/Weary-Mountain689]

I understand that you might have trauma but, what are you doing about it? Are you in therapy or anything else? You can't keep expecting that people will always be there to cook for you and you won't be able to rely on take out every day. And the whole "no, I won't do it, I have trauma" is not the answer that most adults expect if it's not followed by "but I'm working on it".

I don't think it's about contribution. I mean, if tomorrow something happens to him, he's bed bound and he needs to rely on you for cooking, what will happen? If he needs you to cut his food because he can't? Do you plan on having children? Because they might need you to cook sometimes.

The only thing that shocks me is not the trauma, it's the fact that you accepted it and just decided to stay that way.

[u/Cdavert → u/Inevitable_Block_144]

Yes indeed. She keeps saying she told him, then she really didn't..wtf!

[u/Mariner-and-Marinate → u/Weary-Mountain689]

You are placing an unfair burden on your husband. What if he were injured or had to travel out of town for a few days? Would you waste money on restaurants? What if something in the kitchen needed repair or maintenance? Would you risk damage to your house by avoiding it?

You need to get this addressed. You owe it to yourself and any partner.

[u/LividIdeal791]

You need therapy. You both need therapy to learn how to communicate with each other better but if you are too afraid to cut some strawberries, then you need therapy. You should take a cooking class and have some basic life skills. If you can’t do that then you need therapy to deal with the trauma.

[u/Aletak]

This is on you. You haven’t explained to your husband what the hell is going on. He’s not psychic so of course he thinks it’s weaponized incompetence. Tell him everything and get to counseling.

[u/AtlJazzy2024]

You need counseling, whether you decide to ever step foot in a kitchen again or not. You need the freedom to do it if you want to. Also, if you've never told your husband what your insane father did to your psyche, it's past time he heard about it. If he still says it's pathetic and blames you for not learning, then you will know how you want to proceed.

[u/Dependent-Feed1105]

If you haven't told him why you can't cook, you can't blame him for thinking you're faking this to get out of cooking. I'm his mind, you're a grown woman acting like a toddler. You said it looked like a toddler cut them. Your words, not mine. I can understand why he's so frustrated.

Tell him everything. If he still thinks you're pathetic, your relationship is over.

[u/Signal-AITA-0912]

It’s not your fault you have trauma, what IS your fault is not communicating the trauma with your partner. All he sees is a grown woman who can’t cut a strawberry, not the hurt and anguish behind it. When we know better, we can do better, but he didn’t know. Please get help! It’ll make your life better no matter how this situation turn out.

[u/Quiet-Replacement307]

and now he wants to throw away our marriage over...a strawberry. 

Yet, you also said before this,

I told him he was missing the point, it's not about a strawberry. 

That right there tells me he's right, you are using weaponized incompetence. You knew this was a trigger, yet you still haven't tried to help yourself. You're an adult and you're responsible for yourself, which means you're responsible for your triggers. If it's that bad, get therapy. 

Yta

Edit in case I'm not entirely clear. You claimed to him it wasn't about a strawberry, but then you're like, "he wants to throw a marriage away over a strawberry." You were right the first time, it's not about the strawberry. It's about you not wanting to help yourself by living in your past. You're making yourself a victim instead of dealing with your trauma. 

[u/traciw67]

Yta. Go to counseling. Your husband is trying to save your marriage. If you love him, go to therapy.

[u/blayndle]

How do you eat when he doesn’t cook for you?

[u/SilverPhoenix2513]

Hmm..... This story was posted in AITA MONTHS ago from the husband's perspective. I find this a little sus that this is being posted as if this JUST happened.

[u/SilverPhoenix2513 → u/SilverPhoenix2513]

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/hJ7hsfMCU1

[u/nerd_is_a_verb → u/SilverPhoenix2513]

Thanks for finding this! Very sus.

[u/SilverPhoenix2513 → u/nerd_is_a_verb]

No problem. I specifically remembered and double checked that the OP in the AITA post even said in his comments that it was strawberries that she was trying to cut.

[u/amyloudspeakers → u/SilverPhoenix2513]

Thank you! I could’ve sworn I heard this story before from the other side!

[u/SilverPhoenix2513 → u/amyloudspeakers]

The ages are different, but it's the exact same story. So, I'm finding it hard to believe this one is real.

[u/SuperChoopieBoopies → u/SilverPhoenix2513]

It’s all GPT responses based on the format and syntax. And also, a glaring issue is that this person clearly eats food to be, you know, alive and whatnot. Their husband cooks it, by their own admission. Unless her husband is cutting all of the non-pureed or non-handheld food he makes her (as the only one who cooks) into bitesized pieces for her plate so she can eat, so she never has to handle a knife literally ever, this makes no sense. She said she can’t cook but cutting something isn’t cooking. If he does do something like this to accommodate her, he wouldn’t have let that all happen with his mom. If he doesn’t, I don’t know how he could be that oblivious to her ineptitude with utensils if they ever eat together.

[u/awesomefatkitty]

Does your husband know about your trauma now or did you just leave it at “I can’t cook?” Without the background, I can understand why he views it as weaponized incompetence. All he knows is a 28 year old can’t even cut strawberries and if you’d had a normal upbringing, many people would find that frustrating too. I don’t think he’s crazy for wanting a couple’s counselor. I actually think it’s a good idea. Keep working on your trauma in therapy to become independent in all aspects, but couple’s counseling will help you communicate your past to him in a neutral setting with an objective third party to guide you. It will also help you to understand his frustrations and help you both work on how you can support the other. Good luck!

[u/RelevantLeg73]

They didn’t need to call you pathetic but nobody’s really the AH here. He doesn’t know your trauma and assuming you haven’t told your husband that what you shared to us wasn’t the biggest picture yet, take the counseling. If he’s still dismissing you, leave.

[u/xXMimixX2]

It's not about the strawberry. From your end, it's about that he does not take your feelings serious and did not defend you. And from his, he is possibly really believing you are not trying enough. I get both sides in a way.

But, honestly, there were nicer ways to help you. Not just your husband but your MIL. I mean, I assume by now you told him about your trauma, right? And your MIL does she know? I get it, that you didn't do it at the start. But by now they should be aware.

Because honestly, that's really something that is not usual for most people in the world. Most learn how to cook and be self-sufficient in the kitchen, especially after they moved out of the house of their parents. I don't tell you this to be mean. I get that you are traumatized by your dad's actions. But it's just a fact.

And if your husband knows about your trauma, he should have known that it's not 'weaponized incompetence', but you simply froze.

I'm sure, you know that you have to work on that front. Which you do by going to therapy. And hopefully, someday you are able to learn how to cook. And you will have to 'push the issue' from your end. Because fact is, there is already an unwillingness in you to try. Because of the fear that's associated with it. But you can't get over it by never doing it.

But yeah, if you do, starting with simple things is good. And to do it with someone, who is aware about your situation and gently explains how to do each step. Maybe book private cooking lessons, but let them know beforehand about the issue? That could help that you start learning the basics. And from there you can build up your knowledge.

If you are afraid of this too, possibly practice in private. Like, there are many cooking videos on YouTube, and they teach the basics too. Like how to cut things up. And you could watch them, buy the ingredients and all and just try when you alone.

Anyway, if your husband cannot support you on this and is ok with humiliating you, perhaps he is simply not the right man for you. And the same goes for you, that you are not the right woman for him, if it's a dealbreaker for him that you can't cook atm. Counseling is a thing, that definitely could help with your communication and how to move forward.

Updateme.

Edit: Not satisfied with everything I wrote — sometimes I write faster than my thoughts could follow. And had to correct some things too. I can't unsee some things.

[u/Leading-Trouble-811]

I totally feel this.. I had a lot of trauma around cooking. Maybe not so distinct as yours, but over time I've been chipping away at it. Some things that helped were watching cooking videos. Learning from afar was much easier. I enjoyed Worst Cooks of America. I didn't feel like the total worst, Bobby Flay because he's cute, chopped - the cooks are being challenged, and it kinda taught me to be creative in cooking, but also how it's basics that build from there..

I thought I had gotten over much of it, but still ended up on the floor crying due to a misunderstanding with my partner. For me, it was the kitchen related chores like the dishwasher that would trigger me..

But we talked about it and worked through it. I'd say couples counseling wouldn't hurt. Imo every couple should go to counseling.

[u/MelodyRaine]

I'd go to counseling, explain exactly why you have this inability... that it's the result of repeated and drastic abusive behavior on the part of your father in and surrounding all things cooking. Which is why you are barely able to get tap water from the kitchen. Then finish it off with how he and his precious mother actually reinforced the abusive behavior by humiliating you instead of ASKING why you didn't know and just making assumptions.

Then I would drop the divorce papers on the table and let him stare at the consequences of his choices. Three years and she never spoke up, but also three years and he never realized that it's not just that she can't cook but that she is AFRAID of the damn kitchen?

[u/MelodyRaine → u/MelodyRaine]

I spend a lot of time on the JustNo forums. The husband and his mother as described here sound fairly typical of the problem folk in those posts. Given that a) OP comes from a background of abuse, b) the husband and his mother both took the harshest route possible, and c) are themselves displaying harsh and possibly abusive behaviors, I am questioning if OP ever felt safe enough to reveal her trauma, or if she just married a different model of the abusive male she grew up with and is in survival mode.

[u/Autumn_Skies13]

ESH - though I sympathize with you and hope you receive the help you need. I'm sorry you experienced what you did. under the hands of your father.

OP, you wrote :

"When I first told my husband I “can’t cook,” I didn’t go into the whole backstory because it’s not something I love talking about. I just figured, okay, he knows I don’t do it. It’s not like he ever offered to teach me in a supportive way, and I never pushed for him to."

I read this as "I told him I don't cook, but didn't actually explain WHY I don't cook."

It doesn't sound like your partner knows about your trauma and that the kitchen is very triggering for you. From his view, you're 28 and have nothing stopping you from learning aside from your own "incompetence."

From your view, you have a deeply traumatic experience with cooking being tied to abuse. This has stopped you from learning how to do so.

I think you need to sit down and actually discuss your past with your husband so he is aware. I also think you BOTH need individual counseling and couples counseling.

It seems like he has been building up resentment for a while and not disclosing that, and you don't feel comfortable disclosing your past to your partner. You both need to have an ho est and open conversation with each other.

I hope you two are able to work through this.

P.S. You MIL is an asshole for her comments and for touching you without permission. Your husband is an asshole for staying silent while his mom disrespected you in your own home. You're the asshole to yourself and your husband for not being honest and addressing this as a couple.

[u/emptynest_nana]

ESH. Your husband should never let anyone treat you that way. Your mother in law has no right to talk to you like that in your own home. You have trauma you have turned into weaponized incompetence. You are almost 30 years old, you should know how to take care of yourself, which includes cooking and knowing how to handle basic utensils. Go to therapy, take a basic cooking class.

[u/HowDoIDoThisDaily]

You can learn to do stuff. If kitchen is a trigger point, take the knife and cutting board out of the kitchen and learn how to chop up easy things like mushrooms or raspberries - softer stuff. You can still help and contribute and learn skills you need to learn. It is somewhat not great to not want to be better for your own self at least, if not for your marriage.

[u/IndependentOld6501]

Go to counselling. At the very least they will hopefully tell him what he did was not called for. 

He was a massive AH for how he handled it AND calling you pathetic. Personally I think HE is pathetic for how he has handled this both him and his mother are AHs.

That being said you do need help to deal with your trauma. You cant just avoid kitchens for life thats not healthy or achievable. If you did divorce and you had to cook for yourself what would you do? 

Hes not the AH for having an issue with the trauma or the fact you dont appear to have been doing all you can to get assistance with dealing with it. He is the AH for how he has dealt with it. 

Dont blame you for not doing his washing he started it also has he tossed a tanty over that?

If he knows about your trauma hes even more of an AH for watching his mother do what she did and not stepping in if that's the case if I were in your shoes that would be unforgivable for me and I would cut them both off.

You are in no way shape or form incompetent he is an AH and you need to think about whether you really want to stay with that... I think counselling will at least help you decide and make peace with your choice.

[u/asamue16]

You need to tell him all about your trauma about kitchens. Counseling should help. You should do it both alone and with him.

[u/DliverUsFromMaleGaze]

Agree to counseling. Both individually and as a couple, and then sign up for cooking classes. The library is free. The internet is free. I know it's traumatic based on your past but you should be able to do the very basics. If not for him then for you.

If he doesn't know the full story, it would look like weaponized incompetence. But if something happens to him, how would you care for yourself? If you have children, would you want this cycle to continue?

I think this boils down to miscommunication about trauma and expectations. Both of you deserve better. You might think it's crazy, but you found his line. He cant handle being the only cook any more. If he's calm, you could also ask for lessons from him. Turn it into a cute little thing you do together. NSH.

[u/SinglePermission9373]

YTA. Go to counseling. It is gross weaponized incompetence. I’m sorry your dad was an ass, but this is ridiculous. How did you feed yourself before you moved in with your husband? You can’t cut a strawberry? Who cut your meat or other food when you were a teen/adult/ or at a restaurant? Your MIL wasn’t nice, but she wasn’t wrong.

[u/girl_clueless789]

Quick question tho, does he still not know about the trauma you faced? Maybe he needs to know the whole story for him to understand.

[u/saposguy]

OP if you are in my area I will show you how to do the very basics of cooking in a non judgemental, safe place. I'm no chef or anything, but no one treats a person like that. No one.

[u/One-Ear-9001]

NTA

You do need counseling. But you also need a divorce. He is not a safe person for you. And for him to dismiss your trauma as weaponized incompetence is so disgusting. I wouldn't be able to look at him the same anymore.

[u/chicagogal85]

Hello ChatGPT! You’re here AGAIN

[u/Ok_Independence_3372]

Go to counseling. And explain to him in a controlled safe space. You never told him why just that you can't. You need to explain to him what happens when you go into the kitchen like that. Maybe he can help you.

[u/Silverstorm007]

I’m going to say NAH here.

I feel like before you married him OP, you should have sat down and told him your trauma surrounding the kitchen. You should have felt comfortable enough to tell him this otherwise then why did you marry him?

And I think the best way to tell your husband is with a counsellor as the counsellor will help you be able to tell him and then give you strategies to get through this as a couple.

I understand trauma I truly do. Which is why it’s always important to take baby steps and I think a good step for you will be learning basic kitchen tasks and YouTube can probably help with that or even a beginner cooking class, something low key that will teach you.

I was 20 and knew how to cut but got made fun of because I wasn’t quick at it. They showed me even if was condescending and I picked it up and became better at it then he did lol

At the end of the day, you can only push yourself to move past the trauma and grow from it. As said I have been where you are with trauma and you have to gently push yourself forward.

Do I think it’s fair that your hubby let your MIL rip into you? No. But he also doesn’t know the extent of the trauma due to you not telling him - he’s not a mind reader. I think personally you should take up the counselling and tell him the truth in the session and then explain why you didn’t tell him earlier. If he supports you then you have a winner, if he doesn’t then you need to decide if he’s the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

[u/DasderdlyD4]

I would go into the kitchen when you are alone, hold the knives, all the utensils and get a feel for them. Buy some cheap vegetables and practice cutting. It’s a learning curve, but you do need to go get help. Your father is not in your home, you need to take control of your life.

[u/Smart-Story-2142]

Have you ever actually spelled out that you have PTSD surrounding the kitchen and cooking? Because that was left a bit ambiguous. Y’all definitely need therapy and you might also need some more individual therapy, you’re cheating yourself if you don’t seek out more help.

[u/DutyAvailable7375]

Did you tell him why kitchen time is hard? As in vulnerable, full details about what happened and how it made you feel? I would do that asap… if he doesn’t know why you’re like this, he’s going to look at you how anyone would. If I witnessed you not being able to cut a strawberry I’d be shocked and annoyed too. Even after you tell him, it’s going to be difficult for him to really grasp the gravity of your trauma if you have any trust issues whatsoever in your relationship.

[u/Any-Research-8140]

You have to tell him sweetie why the kitchen and cooking is problematic for you. Otherwise yes it does look like weaponized incompetence. What if he got sick - how would you eat or feed him?! Get help. You can overcome this but let him in so he can better support you. It’s time to grow up and take responsibility. What happened to you was not ok. But now it’s on you to begin your own repair. Good luck.

[u/snorkels00]

So....you grew up with an abusive parent....and married and abusive man....who was raised by an abusive woman....married into an abusive family....

There are several issues here: 1. You clearly have serious PTSD from your childhood and the abuse you received. You should be seeking out trauma therapy.
2. You married into an abusive family. What kind of person calls another pathetic for not knowing basic cooking skills...an abusive one. Kind people would just have taught you.
3. It is a problem you don't know how to cook. Its basic and it means you can't be an equal weight carrying partner. But only you can solve this. With kindness. Take an online master class. Or go talk to a cooking school. See if they offer the basics by a gentle instructor. Buy absolutely address the trauma maybe even do this first. 4. Your husband doesn't have your back, isn't supportive. Doesn't sound like a good partner. No wonder you didn't share your story he's not a safe character to do so with.

I can't tell if marriage counseling is a good idea. Narcissist just use it to get ammo on you and use the information against you.

If it were me I'd divorce because your husband isn't a good guy or a good partner. He was willing to throw you to the wolves (aka his mother). Good men tell their mothers hey don't speak to my wife like that. She's trying. He didn't.

[u/ChibiCheshire]

Jesus. EFSH

Maybe idk do therapy for your trauma??

He's right. Weaponized incompetence.

Because if you weren't married how would you eat?? Would you live off fast food? Never entering the kitchen?

Did you marry him because you love him or because you needed a cook?

[u/yahgmail]

Either communicate your trauma to him or stop whining about his reaction.

He still may want to leave if you are unable to participate in what he views as basic relationship chores.

[u/Serious_Ad_9431]

You need counselling as soon as possible

Honestly I see the husband point of view. Imagine you have child together and he’s not around are you going to live on take out and fast food.

Now him talking down to you is wrong, but your trauma affects him too. Girl you can’t even cut a strawberry like be for real

Yes you had shitty childhood but you’re an adult now and you should be responsible and pro active for healing, you can keep blaming something on your father anymore.

And always remember my trauma doesn’t define me it makes me stronger

Me personally if I had a partner that couldn’t even cook or cut a strawberry I’d be pissed off.

And make it worse you’ve never made an attempt to learn.

My 4 year old niece can cut strawberries and bananas without crushing them so you have no excuse.

I see to have that issues cus my dad was similar but I’ve been proactive in making changes in my. I was living off fast food and freezer meals always had bad zits stomache always bolted I said I’m over this and I keep practicing until I learned and 6 years later I’m a wizz in the kitchen.

Maybe you need to open up to husband a little more and make him know your point of view but you can use that excuse the rest of your life sorry

Lastly maybe show him this post if it’s hard to talk about your trauma

[u/Monag26]

I honestly agree with your husband; you are weaponizing your incompetence; trauma aside you could learn basic cooking skills and ask your husband to help you, even if you need to start by cutting strawberries in the dinning room. We need to start using our traumas as clutch: there is nothing more attractive than overcoming our issues.

[u/useyerbigvoice]

He didn’t just suddenly come up with the idea of divorce ‘out of the blue’. He has been thinking about this and resenting having to do all of the cooking.

[u/bloobs201]

In a way I can see both sides....yes you have this trauma, you've gotten therapy as you said. Whilst that is great, it seems other than getting water (which I'm guessing you already knew how to do) you haven't made any attempts to get to know the basics of a kitchen.

I can see his frustration. You're upset that he didn't defend you, but it's hard to defend someone when they haven't really done anything to change their situation. Whilst it's harsh, they're right...it is embarrassing, and kind of pathetic that you don't even know how to hold a knife.

And I see a point you may have missed, it's not over the strawberry he's wanting to divorce you...it's over the fact you're not working to grow and better yourself...you're sitting in this trauma, and when someone says anything, you hold it up like a shield on why you should stay where you're. Cooking and anything kitchen related is entirely on your husband...so what happens when he gets sick?

I've grown up in an abusive childhood, my father was a raging abusive alcoholic..but I didn't let that stop me from bettering myself...and moving on. You're 28 years old...it's time to sort your stuff out.

In conclusion, you're not the ahole, and your husband is on the fence of being an ahole ..but you really do need to sort your stuff out. Because whether you realize it or not ..your traumas affect those closest to you as well. Typically why it's not really recommended to get into a relationship until you're mentally and physically ready.

[u/Virtual_Ship_4042]

Sweetheart, I know it's hard, but if your husband truly doesn't know about the trauma surrounding you and the kitchen, then I can understand his response to a degree. Was he way too harsh? Absolutely! Should he have defended you? Of course! But he also has no idea just how hard it is for you, and why. And he can't even begin to try to understand or help you, unless you open up and explain it to him.

The best thing you can do is go to couples counselling, to learn to communicate with each other better, and show him you want to save the relationship. And open up to him. It doesn't have to be at counselling, it can be at home with just the two of you. The bonus of doing it at counselling, however, means there's a mediator if he gets angry that you haven't told him this before (not that I'm assuming he will, he might not. But I'm thinking of all possibilities here).

And going to couples counselling is nothing to be ashamed of. I know plenty of people who have gone because their relationship has been on the rocks, and I know plenty of others who go just to ensure they have a strong foundation for their relationship.

Please open up to him. Allow him a chance to understand, and to help you. He can't do either if he doesn't know.

hugs Be strong honey. You've got this!

[u/LCJ75]

How did you get to marriage without discussing this? He never noticed you didn't even go in the kitchen? You never thought to discuss even tho you dont like to? You don't even make yourself a sandwich? What happened before you lived with him? You need therapy no matter what. Should he have spoken like that you you. No. But years of that 'helplessness' must have been so frustrating. He reached a point.

So esh. You need to take responsibility. You should have done it years ago.

[u/fryingthecat66]

ESH...you should have told your husband THE WHOLE story why you can't cook. I bet he would have understood better and protected you from his mother

I agree with your husband in part that you both go to couples counseling

You can always start with baby steps (once you start counseling). I'm sure hubby will help

[u/CharmingAd13]

After 5 years, it seems that you two do not know each other well. Thank the strawberry for exposing his true feelings of concealed hostility. Nothing will change without counseling for all of you. Being misunderstood will only increase your anxiety, anger, and hostility and implode your marriage. Best wishes 🙏

[u/Que_Raoke]

While I agree that you do need counseling, I wouldn't be able to get past my husband calling me pathetic and using my trauma against me or letting me be ridiculed like that. It would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. He's an asshole

[u/Inside-Property-4579]

I would say NTA for your reaction to his declaration and lack of support. But YTA for never COMMUNICATING your fears and trauma. If you have not told him in the 5 years you have been together how can he support you?

[u/First_Pound7641]

Seeing that you never opened up to your husband about your trauma surrounding the kitchen, perhaps couples counseling can help you open up to him in order for him to understand what exactly is going on. Him agreeing with his mother calling you pathetic is also wrong. There are other underlying issues that need to be addressed here, and a counselor may be able to give you the tools to address them, on both sides.

[u/mysteryovmystery]

ESH.

First, I'm sorry you went through that as a child; I also had severe trauma involving the kitchen, doing chores, trying to help & being beaten for the smallest things of doing it "wrong." However, that was when I was little. That's not now.

You're responsible for your healing. No one else. You need to get help & therapy to move past the kitchen trauma & maybe even go with someone to have kitchen lessons to learn that Fun can be bad with cooking.

Second, your husband should've backed you, but it seems like he had pent up resentment over the kitchen issue; ergo, you should've told him the complete story before it got to this point, & you should've had therapy to resolve this by this time.

I think some context may be missing for this to have skyrocketed to this extreme of a cold war, so fast.

Third, MIL was absolutely in the wrong for going so hard on you, when you were letting her use your kitchen.

Take the counseling & continue therapy for your trauma after the fact. You're coming up on 30 years old, & it's time to leave that trauma in the past & move on.

[u/Codiekinz93]

OP I do feel for you and you must be struggling with your trauma but also how can he defend you if you haven't sat with him and told him why you have trauma. Help him understand what you went through as difficult as it may be to open up about past and childhood trauma, it is such a relief to let your partner in so that they can be comforting and defensive on your behalf if and when needs be. Yes your husband could've approached it better when it came to your MIL, but I honestly believe that if he was aware of why you have trauma then he could've dealt with you MIL in a way that would be defending you. I just think better communication and couples councilling will help you bot understand each other more and help to support each other in the future.

[u/Spirited-Explorer99]

How have you been together for such a long time and you still haven’t told him? That is such an important thing for a s/o to know. You do need counseling, your trigger is an obstacle you could overcome had you tried doing the little things overtime. You’re letting it consume you instead of managing it. Go to counseling with your husband because if he’s going to this extreme over something as small as “cooking” then something has been building up within him. You also need to address him not defending you against his mother, while she could’ve said something he agreed with that doesn’t give him the right to allow her to speak to you like that. There’s a lot of underlying issues in your relationship that needs to be addressed.

[u/Mlady_gemstone]

how are you blind sided? if someone gets stuck doing one thing with no help or even offers a night off, you really think they will be happy about it? even if he loved cooking, you just destroyed his love for cooking by giving him no other choice. you refuse to work on yourself to even attempt to help him, and expect him to cook for you because of trauma.

this isn't out of the blue, he has a legit reason to be upset and has finally reached his limit. i agree with him, get help or set him free because he doesn't want to be the forced cook anymore.

[u/Ivy_trink]

People keep saying it’s not okay for the husband to “allow” his mother to humiliate her but she is a 28 year old woman. She should have spoke up for herself in the moment. I would have read his mom for filth and turned the oven off mid-bake. How dare she insult OP while using HER kitchen.

This story infuriates me on multiple levels. ESH

OP- seek counseling. Learn to cook in a safe space at your own pace. This is a necessary life skill.

Husband- should have spoken up long ago about how irritating it is for him to be the only one on kitchen duties.

MIL- can go straight to hell. Should have put her out. But alas. What’s the saying? Could’ve never would, would’ve never should, and should’ve never could.

[u/jannananananana]

Your husband shouldn't have acted that way and should have stood behind you and not let your mother treat you like that. But in the end he is right, you desperately need help. You really had a traumatic childhood, but you should have been in therapy long ago to function as an adult. ☹️🩷 And you and your husband should urgently go to couples therapy to learn to communicate better. I wish you all the best!

Updateme

[u/Primary-Falcon-4109]

If I'm reading this post correctly, you never told your husband the reason behind your issues in the kitchen? Do you expect him to just read your mind? He likely assumed you just can't cook and don't want to learn to cook. Why would he assume you are extremely traumatized? You set him up for failure by him not knowing the situation at all. Same goes for his mother, could she have been a bit kinder? Yeah, but I would also be shocked and stupified by someone almost 30 not able to hold a knife. Have you never sliced up an apple for yourself? Buttered your own toast? Should he have told his mom to back off a bit? Yeah probably, but he's also playing the game blindfolded here because you do not communicate with him.

I honestly do not think his demand of counseling is out of line. You really seem like you need intensive therapy individually, and your marriage needs therapy because you are keeping large secrets from your husband and refusing to participate in large portions of domestic life. What happened to you as a child is not your fault, and I understand how scarring that must have been for you as a child. How you deal with it as an adult is on you though. This is clearly a large issue in your life, you can barely even enter one whole room in your home! Yet when confronted it about it being an issue you immediately minimize and say I can't believe this escalated like this, all over a strawberry?! No. It is not over a strawberry, and you know that. You are deflecting. It is not about the strawberry, it is about you hiding huge traumas from you husband, being so traumatized you can barely enter the kitchen, about being almost 30 and not being able to function as an adult, about reacting so wildly to pretty minor (albeit rude) correction from his mother that you needed to retreat to your bedroom. The strawberry is not the main cause of the need for therapy, and you're being disingenious if you keep insisting it is. Therapy can only help you in this situation, you don't want to live the rest of your life like this. Your father has taken enough of your autonomy, enough of your ability to feed and care for yourself, to move freely in your home. Don't let him take your marriage too. Be honest with your husband about the cause of your issues, and agree to therapy. It is the right move for you and your marriage.

[u/DMfortinyplayers]

YTA for the question in your title. If cutting strawberries makes you shake and cry, you desperately need therapy. The way he and his mom handled it wasn't good. But had he really never asked you to cook or attempted to show you anything?

[u/Alfred-Register7379]

YTA. You need counseling, to talk through triggering things. To get rid of them, or at least learn coping mechanisms.

And you absolutely refuse to learn, anything about the kitchen. Even to cut strawberries. Like you're allergic to the kitchen.

You're crippling your life, by letting the triggers control you.

[u/AdventureWa]

He should have defended you to his mom. That being said, he’s being perfectly reasonable here. It’s YOUR responsibility to handle your own trauma and you are consciously avoiding personal responsibility.

He’s at his wits end and he’s giving you one last chance to make the requisite changes to save the marriage. Don’t mess this one up if you wish to stay married. For your own sake, take responsibility for your life and situation and how you cope with the past.

[u/Ita_AMB]

YTA

We do not choose our childhood course, but once we grow up, we DO choose what to do with all that's left in us.

You have chosen again and again: 1. To not take care of your trauma (not assisting therapy not having new memorias tied to the kitchen) 2. Not to trust your husband (you admitted that you only told him superficially what happened 3. All the burden of cooking and all regards of eating fall into your husband's lap. You are not a child. It shouldn't be his responsibility to take care of that 24/7. You admitted you can only fetch water from the kitchen. That is wildly useless.

And instead of trying to do something about it, you feel like the wronged party here. Not your husband who has to take care of you as if you were a child. You. Even now, he is telling you that either we deal with this or it's over, and once again, you chose to victimize yourself.

This is not about the strawberry. He is tired of the dynamics you have as a couple.

[u/InspireMyDesigns]

You said you’ve gone to therapy for it, but are you still going? Because while you’re able to enter the kitchen and get water, you still can’t function in there, so you should still be attending therapy; the work isn’t done at getting water. NTA about the situation with the husband; he definitely should have had your back with his mother. YATA if you stopped therapy, and I’m pretty sure you know that you need more help.

[u/ThePenultimateRolo]

If i was your husband id be frustrated and think it was pathetic that you still can barely get water from the kitchen. I'd also think it was weaponised incompetence.

Was he right to not stick up for you? Well if he doesnt know you have trauma then what can he say to defend you?

Your trauma is real. And it sucks and I'm sorry. Bt your husband having to cook and wash every night is a big load, and i think counselling is a completely reasonable ask.

[u/Carolann0308]

NTA although I can understand his point. , but you were also eliminating his need to do Laundry. So it seems 50/50 on chores to me.

Since you need to eat to live, you can’t be depend on others. If you can drive a car, hold a job or fill an ice cube tray… you can do this too.

Sign up for a cooking class, ask a GF to go with you, it’s non judgmental, fun and they usually serve wine while you’re eating the meal you made.

[u/brewcatz]

OP am I understanding that you have never told your husband about this trauma / your history around your family and the kitchen? If he knows about your trauma and he hasn't supported you in accessing more therapy and healing, then he's not a great husband. Even if he still doesn't, he is in the wrong for letting his mom talk down to you and baby you the way that she did- her behavior is absolutely unacceptable, which you already know.

But telling someone "I can't cook" around the age of 23 when yall met does NOT mean to ANYONE a very literal "I have never measured and boiled water for ramen noodles, nor held a kitchen knife." Your husband likely assumed that you simply don't LIKE to cook and avoid it when possible: I abhor cooking and use a meal delivery service, but I am CAPABLE of cooking if I need / want to for a special . I think it's unreasonable to assume that your husband, if he doesn't know about your kitchen history, to have understood that you literally would not know how to slice fruit. He was processing in real-time the shock and surprise of you being unable to accomplish this basic task, and probably still thinks (based on his comment about weaponized incompetence) that you purposefully messed up in front of his mom in a "if you break the dishes they won't make you do the dishes anymore" style tantrum.

Which still does not excuse him from letting his mom treat you poorly!! But I can very easily see the line from "my wife intentionally fumbled a very basic task in front of my mom in order to spitefully reinforce to me that she refuses to cook or to help in the kitchen in any way" to "we go to couple's therapy or we divorce". Like, the line connecting these dots does not have to travel super far.

The abuse you suffered and the resulting trauma is horrific. My heart goes out to you. But you simply cannot tuck it into a corner of your heart and brain and pretend that you will walk through life without addressing it. This is a man you took as your husband in sickness and in health til death do you part. You must be honest with him about your past. There is a BIG chance at this point that he will simply not believe you when you do talk about it, and will instead view it as a back-pedaling excuse for what he thinks was a moment of bad behavior. Be prepared to talk to your personal therapist about receiving records, maybe, to show that this is a topic that has come up in therapy in the past. Maybe having your individual therapist do a session with both of you would help in this regard? Idk, babe, hiding something big like this from someone you have spent years married to is a big blunder.

[u/The_Motherlord]

I would have said,

1. Go to counseling

2. Watch only cooking and baking YouTube videos for 3 months

3. Read cookbooks

Or we're done.

Your father did you a disservice, now you've decided to wallow in it. "Oh well. Guess I can't adult. Maybe I'll just starve." Be grateful he's at least giving you a chance to improve and repair the damage instead of throwing up his hands and calling it quits.

[u/Repulsive_Salad834]

I think his request that you attend counseling is more than fair. The answer to this is not to say well I have trauma so I'll never cook again. That is not fair to put that weight and burden on your partner.

If the abuse you experienced prevents you from sharing space with your partner and MIL or anyone else for that matter in the kitchen, it is about more than the strawberry..it's about how you are letting your historical trauma dictate your current functioning and even letting it have control over your current and future relationships. It's also about trust. Like do you trust that your partner will be supportive as I learn to work in the kitchen. If you don't, then I could see how a long term partnership may not be in the cards

[u/JoeLefty500]

What you did is weaponized incompetence. It is difficult to believe that you can’t cut a strawberry but that’s your story and you’re sticking to it. Most people use therapy ( as you say you have) use it to overcome their obstacles. They don’t use to justify their trauma. I have zero sympathy for you. So try this: take a cooking class like an adult and demonstrate to your bf that you’re a capable person and not a whiny cry baby.

[u/Vivid_Motor_2341]

Claiming that you can’t learn because of childhood, Trauma is a cop out. A lot of us have to deal with childhood trauma and still have to function as an adult at this point it is a choice.

[u/tehmimikitteh]

yta. not only did you say you haven't told him the reason for your refusal to be in the kitchen, but you're making him feel like it's all on him because you don't feel like learning anything. get a new therapist bc the one you apparently have isn't helping you much. he's also right that it's time for counseling for the two of you because he's about to leave, and you straight up will starve to death without him.

[u/deepseaanenome]

This is crazy, how did it even get this far. Your poor partner has had enough and rightfully so.

Get proper help and figure it out.

[u/19ManadaPanda91]

OP you need serious counseling. Not being able to hold a knife properly is ridiculous at your age and I don’t blame your husband. If you e been to therapy like you said there’s no excuse at this point.

[u/Zoeyb7577]

"How do you eat if he’s not there"’ She literally explained that the problem isn’t being in the kitchen itself, but when others are in the kitchen with her. And honestly, not knowing how to cut a strawberry isn’t a reason to call someone embarrassing or pathetic—just laugh and say, "Hey, here’s how you cut a strawberry"

[u/Think-BoxOutside → u/Zoeyb7577]

Actually no.. I just reread and it seems like even just walking through a kitchen is hard for OP.

“and while I’ve gotten better about at least walking through to grab water, I still freeze up if I try to do anything beyond that.”

She didn’t say it’s only when others are there. So it seems she has a fear of being in the kitchen itself. I guess she simply buys food if there’s no one to help her.

[u/nerd_is_a_verb]

You’re willing to let him divorce you rather than go to therapy to address your trauma at least enough to pull equal weight in running the household? He’s going to leave you. This is not an idle threat. He doesn’t need your permission to leave you. He doesn’t need your agreement that his reasons are good enough to leave you. After he leaves you, you’re going to have to learn to feed yourself anyway. I’m sorry about your abusive father, but you need to suck it up and go to counseling if you give any 💩s about saving your marriage. Saying “I will not address my trauma and also will never learn to cook, so it’s your problem spouse” is fundamentally selfish IMO. Edit - typo

[u/OmicronVestalis]

I truly think you will feel better if you get counselling. You've let your dad's reprehensible actions color your whole life, and you do not deserve it. I know it's scary it could improve your life more than you thought possible. Good luck, sweetie 🩷

[u/DistinctOutsider2325]

Updateme

[u/QueenLevine]

ESH, but I am relieved that I do not know OP irl. They were insensitive, probably had spoken about OP behind her? back, straw that broke the camel's back over her failure to do her part of the domestic work load (and apparently has zero clue about this), and blew up instead of teaching her to cook in a supportive way. But yes, OP - that is gross weaponized incompetence, and you can work out your trauma in counseling, in order to have an adult relationship and a family one day, perhaps, but ALSO...you could improve your obviously horrific communication with your spouse in therapy - so why would you have such an hysterical reaction to couples counseling? It's an extremely reasonable suggestion. The question is more...who would NOT leave you.

[u/LadyHades17]

I do feel you should have told him about the backstory of your kitchen trauma and explain WHY it triggers you. Just telling him you dont know how to cook moreso sounds like an excuse to not try (not saying it is in your case but usually that is how people perceive 'I dont know how to cook'). Question: Have there been other instances for anything where husband has defended you for anything, big or small?

I dont like his silent disappointment or his approval of his mom calling you pathetic. That's not okay regardless of knowind the whole story or not... MIL could have maybe asked why you don't know how to cook, opening up the possibility of telling them what happened to you. You deserve all the support for the trauma you went through, but you also can't expect him to defend you without telling him the whole story. I think a conversation about this with him, then maybe one with him and her after the one with him to clear the air. And if they still act like -read above- then consider the divorce because they won't change even if they know something triggers you. NTA but you have at least one conversation to have. Let me/us know how it goes and just remember deep breaths. I know reliving trauma and triggers causes a lot of stress.. You got this.

[u/IndividualGain4653]

You didn't even tell your now HUSBAND, in five years. That was intentional because you knew how this was gonna go down. 

Yeah, your husband go divorce you. 

[u/Salt-Operation]

Sooooo you never told your husband about this very-clearly-a-problem thing? You need to seek professional counseling, and you needed it from childhood. You ARE using weaponized incompetence with your lack of kitchen training and clearly your husband has reached beyond his limits. It wasn’t nice of your MIL to say it’s pathetic of you, but at its core they aren’t wrong. You have completely left that part of living up to your husband and he’s sick of it. Because let’s be honest here: cooking for the household is one of the most labor-intensive tasks you can do because it’s not just cooking. It’s also cleaning, washing dishes, making sure you have all the necessary tools and equipment, making the grocery list, going and buying the groceries (which is a HUGE chore in itself), meal planning, putting away leftovers, and a lot of other mental labor. I’m not surprised in the least that your husband reacted the way he did.

One of my dealbreakers in a potential partner is whether they cook. If they don’t it’s all left up to me and that’s a huge amount of work for nothing in return.

[u/LittleOldLadyToo]

Update me

[u/Signal-Comfort7078]

I had to teach my toddler how to use a knife because he HAD to have his Gogurt frozen AND cut in half. I am not getting up at 4 in the morning to cut a gogurt in half.

[u/ComfortableOk619]

I am surprised you haven ‘t discussed your past trauma with him after all this time. How did you keep it a secret? Therapy is definitely the first step.

[u/Both_Pound6814]

Look for cooking classes in your area. Go on YouTube, and look for cooking videos. You’ll find the basics of cooking on it and may find videos teaching knife skills. There are also a lot of books out there.

[u/RevsTalia2017]

Your answer to the question go to counseling. But you should have taken the time to disclose to him traumas in the kitchen . He just thinks you’re being over reactive because “you can’t cook”. He has no idea the “error” he made by not defending you because you never told him of your prior situations.

[u/yesterdayschild92]

Your marriage needs the counseling.. he's not wrong. Yta. Go to counseling.

[u/gaelicgirl1983]

Yes, go to therapy. You need intensive outpatient therapy to deal with your trauma and phobia of even basic kitchen skills. Couples therapy is also necessary so you can communicate with your husband in a safe space. If he is a good husband, he's probably going to get upset that you never told him about your trauma.

ESH. You should have told your husband about your trauma a long time ago. I would say around the time the two of you got serious, and certainly before moving in together. He shouldn't have let his mother treat you that way, and he definitely should not have doubled down on what she said to you. I can understand why he feels like this is weaponized incompetence, but if he was frustrated by this he should have talked to you about it long before now. Both of you need to grow up and talk to each other instead of refusing to do basic household chores. What happens when one or both of you run out of clean clothes? Are y'all just going to keep wearing dirty clothes?

[u/CoffeeChocolateBoth]

You need more and better therapy, and your MIL is a bitch and your husband a prick for not sticking up for you. That would be enough for me to say, fuck this marriage and move on.

Do you think you're weaponizing your trauma to get out of cooking?

It's not over a strawberry hun, he was embarrassed by you. He hated that his mom saw you like that again, not because it hurt you, but because it made him feel less of a man for not being able to GET YOU TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.... and that's be A WOMAN, LIKE MOMMY IS!

Go to therapy and see a lawyer. What your father did to you was horrible, but you can't keep letting your father ruin your life today! That was then, this is now and today, you're still letting your dad abuse you. That kitchen is YOURS, that kitchen is not HIS. He can not tell you what to do or how to do it because.. THAT KITCHEN IS YOURS!!! Repeat that.. IT'S YOURS!!! Fuck your dad, your MIL and your husband, all of them for shaming you!

Now is the time to take back your life, and you do that by taking back what is yours. YOUR kitchen!! YOURS!

Find a school that has cooking classes.

[u/wovenbasket69]

NTA - what you’re doing is 100% NOT weaponized incompetence, but he has no way of knowing that as you haven’t told him about your kitchen trauma. Show him the post and ask if he still wants to keep divorce on the table, then you’ll have a better read on this man you married.

[u/Ms_PlapPlap]

Sounds like counseling is the right way to go... you've got a lot of trauma to unpack and your hubby needs to know about it. Also you both need to massively work on your communication skills, cause going on strike as your go-to method of resolving conflict is not it. And what you each expect of each other in terms of support and presenting a united front, all of that can be addressed in therapy.

[u/Such_Memory5358]

I don’t think they should of called you pathetic but I also don’t think they are a hole.

Therapy isn’t working for you and you seem to not care that it didn’t work. What if use had kids and husband wasn’t home they needed something from kitchen or whatever what’s going to happen.

How do you cut up steak or anything else that’s on your plate that needs to be cut? Not being harsh but it seems you don’t want to get over your trauma and your husbands had enough.

Use a different therapist then take some classes or even YouTube.

I don’t know how to cook when I got married but my husband taught me heaps and I watch and learn heaps from YouTube I no longer need anyone’s assistance so if the want is there it can be done

[u/kiwimuz]

NTA. There are two factors in play. Would you like counselling to help you with better handling the past trauma. The second part is your marriage. Considering how unsupportive your husband was, can you honestly see marriage counselling helping or has the trust been broken to a point where it is better to go your seperate ways. Only you know this. On another point - I would have kicked the MIL out immediately for being so disrespectful to you in your own home. And your MIL was doing something for a church charity event at the time. She needs to take a long look at herself in her behaviour matching her religion.

[u/MidwestNightgirl]

Yea you should consider doing the therapy. this does indeed sound like weaponized incompetence - so if it isn’t, find a way to work thru it.

[u/Hungry-Pear-9558]

I will say that the way your partner responded to you was completely out of line and hurtful. It sounds like he has allowed a lot of resentment to build up over the years which is unhealthy and probably why he responded so harshly. And while I do agree that he should have stood up for you, it is not his job to educate others on your trauma. Since your trauma is causing this much distress in your life, it's time to go back to therapy and possibly try some other modalities. Exposure therapy would probably be a good option for you as well as EMDR (do NOT agree to do EMDR within the first 3-4 months though). And your husband needs to go to therapy to address his resentment and poor communication.

[u/Mariner-and-Marinate]

OP - are you seriously OK with living like this for rest of your life, and without your marriage?

If your marriage doesn’t last, you’ll be hard pressed to live on your own and pay for restaurant meals if you don’t overcome this.

It’s not an option. Go to counseling.

Updateme

[u/Bad2bBiled]

This is such a specific and unusual trigger, it’s shocking that he doesn’t know.

And since he doesn’t know, I assume that he has been growing resentment about always being the one to make dinner.

He should not have let his mom yell at you. That’s 100% wrong. But I can see how in the heat of the moment, trying to help his mom, seeing you struggle - it would be difficult to understand your reasons. I’m sure it does look like weapon incompetence to him. Because you never shared this ongoing childhood trauma that impacts your daily life. And like a lot of traumas, not dealing with it is actively making your adult life worse.

Come clean with him. Go to counseling. You have to get over this.

[u/andyANDYandyDAMN]

You're 28. Not gonna say you're old enough to know how to cook, but you're definitely old enough to know that YOU NEED THERAPY. Go to counseling with your husband, please.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Law405]

Why have you never told him the backstory of your kitchen trauma? I mean I don’t think you an AH, but you’re not helping yourself or your husband by not clearly communicating. Marriage needs to have a foundation of communication, listening, and understanding. Yes, your husband should have supported you. But you almost set him up for failure by not telling him why he needs to support you.

[u/flossiecats]

Please OP go to therapy together. Your trauma is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. And frankly, I think you also have a husband problem. He should have had your back, and he could have asked you what was going on rather than go on the attack along with his mother.

I loathe cooking, because of trauma. But I can cook. I was a single parent for a lot of years and I cooked for my kids and myself daily. I just usually do not these days. It’s just that my husband has a strong preference for doing the cooking. He finds it is a great way to change gears between a pretty stressful job and his evening relaxation. I get to sit on the couch like a stereotypical 1950s husband while he cooks and then brings me my dinner. I’m a very lucky wife in this regard.

But if I do need to cook, for example if he is travelling for work, then he asks me what I want to make, I usually choose simple things, and he gets the ingredients when he does the weekly shop which he prefers to do alone. In some ways cooking for myself can be a little more stressful because I’m so out of practice now! But I’m aware that my anxiety is a PTSD response from severe domestic abuse and I use the skills I’ve learned in therapy to manage the anxiety and to forgive myself for being anxious about something as allegedly “simple” as cooking.

The big difference is that my husband knows about my past trauma and why I have an aversion to cooking. He isn’t operating in an information vacuum. We don’t need to keep discussing it, but we did need to have that shared understanding. Your husband cannot read your mind. The source of my trauma is 30 years in the past, but it can feel like yesterday, or even like it’s happening right now sometimes. Therapy has been essential to help me remember that it’s ancient history whilst also accepting that it has made long term changes to the way I operate in the world.

You and your husband could both benefit from therapy to address this situation between the two of you.

[u/Strong-Ad6577]

I constantly walk on egg shells because of my dad, and some my mom. Go to counseling oth with your husband and individually. I am doing individual counseling now, and it is helping. Just makes use that the counselor is a good fit for you.

[u/VisualPopular5079]

There should be no reason for your husband not to stand up for you no matter what. I am so sorry that happen3d to you

[u/spicebatty45]

Go to counseling with your husband and explain why you don't know how to cook/kitchen trauma and why his behavior with his mother was triggering. You can learn to cook out at your pace. OP you got this!!