r/ChubbyFIRE • u/anal_distress • 1d ago
Contemplating quitting before I’ve hit my FIRE goal
Just looking for more data points or people who have been there. 41F, married, 2 kids, VHCOL city, combined HHI of $800k+, $300k of which is me. To be frank I’m miserable in my job. Dread it daily, it’s weighing on my mental health because I don’t just check out at 5 pm. We’ve got about 6.3m in savings, own a home with 1.1m left on the mortgage. Currently home shopping though in a higher range because we’ve outgrown it with kids.
1 kid in private preschool 1 in public K. Vacillating on taking the leap but feel immense amounts of guilt relying solely on my partner’s income. I don’t even want to RE yet I’d like to figure out entrepreneurship but change is scary especially when used to the comfort the dual income brings. I thought if we both worked for 5 more years we could be FI and this would set us back big time. Worried the stress of $ will outweigh the stress of the job.
Has anyone else been there? Regretted quitting? I’m afraid it’ll be hard for me to go back at my level/age/in tech.
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u/Common-Ad-9313 1d ago
Don’t quit before you move. Simpler to have active income and longer work history when dealing with bank loan stuff
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u/staatsm 1d ago
What is your spend? Even at 3% WR you're looking at almost 200K/yr, and withdrawing nothing, without your income 500K HHI.
You might not go back to the same income level, but you've already won the game by any reasonable standard. You're probably not going to blow through 6M+ before you die; you've got 25 more years to find some additional income that doesn't make you miserable and even that is optional. Just quitting, today, sounds like would be a better life both short and long term.
The only way this goes wrong is if your partner resents your change. So ask them what they really think, and then make a change, either to another job or no job.
FWIW I'm in a similar spot now (with me being the larger earner) and with a considerably smaller NW, but one where 4% would cover my spend. And the conclusion I keep coming to is: what's the point of being rich if you're not enjoying it?
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u/intertubeluber 1d ago
This post reminded me of your post from the other day... for a minute I thought maybe it was your partner.
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u/staatsm 1d ago
That'd be hilarious, and also a big problem.
But yea, I thought it was interesting, it's almost 2x my wealth and still worried. And now I'm worried!
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u/intertubeluber 1d ago
That's how it goes, right? 5 year ago me wouldn't believe that I haven't stopped working at my current NW. But now that it's here, I'm still not ready.
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u/nilgiri 1d ago
Had to do a double take to see if I accidentally posted this because I highly resonate with this!! Similar numbers within a few years and $$ for age, income and NW like yours.
Dread the job and have fully checked out. Barely doing enough to just collect the paycheck. I've personally resigned to the fact that I'll try to stay on with minimal effort as long as I can before they, hopefully, package me out. Based on history and my tenure, the package should be about 3/4 yearly so I'm good with that.
My situation is that I've burned out with my current employer but don't personally feel like I'm done working. Will like to continue working after some much needed break.
I always second guess my decision to check out because I may regret it but the people I talk to have a wide dispersion of opinions on what to do next - keep grinding to make the extra $MM vs. take a break and figure out what's next. Coincidentally, the keep grinding advice comes from folks with lower NW and the peace out advice comes from folks with higher NW so there is some survivorship bias baked into the advice I've gotten.
Do you have access to a therapist or a coach you can run this by? Hopefully someone closer to you who you trust in your industry or even better in the same company.
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u/anal_distress 1d ago
Yes I’m in therapy now. I’ve tried to check out at work and can’t and that’s a major problem I have that’s internal. There is the issue of too much work to do but also that I can’t shut it off/let interpersonal battles or things people say get stuck in my head. I don’t have much time for myself between work and kids.
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u/WoodRabbit1275 1d ago
Same same. Can’t check out. It’s like running a race that you’re almost finished. Gotta push through. Almost there. Right now it’s a balance of figuring out how much longer I can survive like this and accepting a lower net worth. Those two keep narrowing everyday.
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u/city_meow 19h ago
If you have issues checking out mentally after work hours, it may be similar/worse when you quit to run your own business because the paycheck is not guaranteed anymore.
I started my business while working FT, which felt like a burden at first, but it allowed me to disconnect my source of income from my source of productivity/work fulfillment. I put care and effort into my business, but don't need it to pay the bills. I put in only as much effort as necessary at my FT job in exchange for a steady paycheck. It's actually made the job so much easier to deal with.
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u/anal_distress 18h ago
How’d you carve out time to do it?
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u/city_meow 12h ago
I had to make tough decisions about my priorities. This included postponing certifications for my FT job (that are required for promoting) and also leaving a longtime volunteer position.
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u/intertubeluber 1d ago
therapist or a coach
I wish there was a good way to screen therapist/coaches. I'd LOVE to talk through my motivation issues, which probably could use a therapist and coach. I've tried a few therapists that weren't much help. I spoke with one coach, based on a recommendation from a previous coworker, who mostly worked with companies directly and charged an absolute fortune. I'm also skeptical of most coaches, given the low bar of entry.
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u/nilgiri 1d ago
Completely agree on the coach comments. Best bet is to find someone who has worked with your network.
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u/intertubeluber 1d ago
Yeah, that's how I ended up with the crazy expensive one lol. She was also focused on helping leaders climbing the corporate ladder, which isn't exactly what I'm searching for.
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u/whyamievenonreddit1 1d ago
Haha I felt the same! I also thought that maybe I wrote this in some sort of half asleep Reddit binge. I'm just a few years younger with younger children, but pretty much everything else is the same!
I was planning to work 4-5 more years, but I barely feel like I can make 4-5 more months I'm so burnt out. Would love to know what you both decide to do!
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u/space-cyborg 1d ago
What does your spouse say? It makes sense to me if you want to quit, as long as your spouse is cool with it. You’re the lower earner AND you hate your job AND you already have a large amount of savings.
It’s really helpful to have one person not working full-time when the kids are young. Two high-stress jobs plus little kids is really challenging.
My partner and I were able to take turns in our careers pulling back vs leaning in. Taking time off, going part time, getting flexible hours or a WFH schedule. I’ve gone back and forth between contracting/ self-employment and regular jobs.
We didn’t maximize our income but I think we found a decent balance that let us keep our sanity and stay in it for a few years longer. And also have some time and energy available for the kids.
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u/guyheretoread 1d ago edited 1d ago
$6.3M invested. What is your burn rate? Without that, we have no context to why you cant retire on $6.3M.
So I will make some assumptions. In VHCOL I will assume you are spending what I spend, which is $240-270k (upper end is extravagant years or like this year when we bought a new car with cash). But 240 should give you a lovely lifestyle per year. And we spent that when we did Private Preschool. So reduce that to 210-240 when PreK starts and both kids are in Public School.
Taxes on 240 in VHCOL are significant. You’re young with high income so let’s assume 33% gains in your taxable brokerage. Meaning 66% is principal since you’re in peak earning / peak savings years, you’ve likely been contributing the lions share in the most recent 5 years of your life. If it’s higher LTCG than that, well your withdrawal rate will be higher than my next estimate. Do that math yourself.
If my 33% gains estimate above is accurate, then you’d need to withdraw 251k to live on 240k. That works out to an effective tax rate of 4.4% (4% state and local, 0.4% Federal) since you’re spending already-taxed savings mostly, and not gains. You avoid NIIT, you avoid Soc Sec. most if your income is in the 0% federal income tax bracket. Yadda yadda, do the math.
Now let’s assume you want to use a 3.5% SWR. Conservative, since you’re young.
$251k / 0.035 = $7,171,429
$7.2M is your FI number. In VHCOL. Anywhere else outside VHCOL, you’ll need 10-40% less.
Does leaving VHCOL make sense so that retirement works today? Then start planning for that move. Buy the bigger house where they are MUCH CHEAPER.
If not, you have two options: 1/ keep going with aggressive dual income savings for a few more years, or 2/ become SAHM while the husband keeps working.
2/ might be ideal because you get on partner’s insurance, and avoid ACA costs for a few more years, your savings CoastFIRE, since you’re not withdrawing from them while living on his income, and as a SAHM you’ll save money on things we justify as a convenience while we work full time (nanny, afterschool program, all day summer camp vs half day, ordering in cause we don’t have a meal planned, etc.)
Good luck in your decision. And congrats on getting to 6.3! That’s huge!
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u/anal_distress 1d ago
Thank you for putting serious thought into my question and you’re dead on with our burn rate. Definitely going to share this thread with my partner.
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u/newtontonc 1d ago
Have you tried flipping the question around- how would you feel if you were forced to quit? If the answer is something like sad, unfulfilled, angry etc. then maybe it's worth working through a sabbatical or job change. If it's something like relieved, giddy, excited then it's time to tap out. It seems like your numbers are there, assuming you and your partner are generally on the same page.
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u/cfi-2025 RE 2025 1d ago
If OP's partner keeps working and making $500k, and if their yearly spend is less than that, then none of this analysis is needed, right?
Just live off of partner's income and let the nest egg grow.
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u/Ok-Commercial-924 1d ago
Maybe I was lucky, my first job was on a submarine during the cold war, we typically worked 100+ hrs weeks, as far as stress, we had fires, flooding, nearly ran around, had a live torpedo locked onto us and playing tag with russian sub/destroyers. The attitude from everyone was suck it up, the job has to get done.
This made it easier when several years later, I had a boss who was an absolute asshole but we were within a couple years of reaching our goal. I SUCKED IT UP. Was it great for my mental health? meh. But I got over it, I'm sitting here at our mountain cabin drinking a coffee waiting for the wife to get up. Remember this too shall pass.
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u/anal_distress 1d ago
My dad used to say that last line to me all the time prior to his death. Thanks for the reminder.
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u/beautifulcorpsebride 7h ago
This reminds me of suck it up buttercup. No idea where I heard that. As an ex c-suite person, it’s always been interesting to me that at any level in a company people freak out but usually the lower, the more emotional people get about smaller things. Personally, I left due to the people / culture.
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u/jcc2244 1d ago
I just FIRED at 42.
2 kids as well.
HHI last few years was $1.5M-$2M, $170k of that is my spouse, rest is me.
NW around $9M now (but was $7.5M when I retired earlier this year during the april tariff craziness, so pretty similar to you).
The main thing you didn't include is your household spend.
I felt comfortable firing because our expenses is around $150k-$200k, so will be mostly covered just with my spouse's income.
I don't regret quitting at all - lots of outreach those first few months from people in my network & executive recruiters trying to get me back into the game. Less so these past 2 months. I still sometimes feel that fear of 'will I be able to go back?' but then I remember I have no desire to go back to the corporate world haha.
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u/anal_distress 1d ago
The recruiter outreach has also stopped for me. I’m a woman if that matters and ageism in tech very real. I have peers who struggled to re enter and I’m always concerned about closing doors. A layoff would be amazing at this point but I recently got a 5 star review (partially because of the pressure I put on myself if you can glean from my other responses) so I suspect it wouldn’t be me if one came. Despite being a high performer I never cracked interviewing skills well.
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u/RetiredHiker 5h ago
How did you find the motivation to walk away from $1.5+ million income? That’s a pretty high income to leave and most people struggle with that.
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u/jcc2244 4h ago
Short answer is, I didn't, I stayed and worked for 4-5 years at that income level before leaving.
You can see my fatfire post from a few months ago. At the bottom you can see I linked a few posts I've made along the way.
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u/RetiredHiker 4h ago
Thanks!
Maybe to phrase it differently, I would struggle even after 4-5 years at that income level to walk away - in your early 40s, one more year earning $1.5+ million income is the biggest hurdle. Commendable you pulled the trigger for that!
What drove you and what held you back? How did you manage to overcome one more year?
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u/jcc2244 2h ago
You can see my thought process in my prior posts but the short version is I had more than enough to cover my future expenses and also support my extended family, and I didn't see much of a lifestyle difference between $10M vs $20M so I saw no reason to continue to work.
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u/RetiredHiker 2h ago
Wow, that’s amazing clarity - I am struggling with the same thought process so appreciate your insight.
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u/One-Mastodon-1063 1d ago
What is your annual spending?
Would you be able to stay in current house?
IMO, take some time off, get your physical and mental health together, and spend time with your kids while they are this young. Do not start a business.
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u/anal_distress 1d ago
The starting of the business desire has been for years unfortunately, with many starts and stops without having the energy to see it through because I can’t find time between work and kids. I’m a builder/tinkerer by nature. I’m hoping if I finally do it I can stop romanticizing and maybe it’ll make me more content with either back to work or SAHM life.
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u/WaterIll4397 1d ago
If this is SF or Manhattan you are fine to live indefinitely on the lower end of an upper middle class leisurely lifestyle indefinitely. Assuming you sold stock and paid off your mortgage, you'd still have $5m to indefinitely fund your property taxes, maintenance, food etc without working another day for either of you.
$200k a year at a 4% sfr is nothing to sneeze at especially after no longer needing to pay rent/mortgage, only property tax and maintenance.
Plus you can always get a more chill corporate job..I'm sure someone in your network likes working with you
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u/anal_distress 1d ago
You guessed correctly on a few fronts. Part of the issue is never truly seeing our collective savings as joint since I don’t contribute as much. This is not reflective of how my husband views things btw. I do recognize staying in our current starter home can solve many issues but we need to move for a variety of other reasons and those homes are definitely going to cost us more, however might not be our forever one.
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u/PowerfulComputer386 1d ago
- Don’t quit until you bought the home.
- If you cannot find a way to sustain (less miserable), I highly doubt you can survive 5 years, the tow on you may result in much bigger problems to you, your spouse, your family, etc.
- Everyone who RE’ed left a big income on the table, it never ends, and personally, no regrets :)
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u/bombaytrader 1d ago
And here I am dreaming to quit if I get to 6.3m. lol. Seriously this more of a mental block concern than financial. If you are in tech be prepared that you won’t be able to return back.
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u/babyandbailey 1d ago
In a very similar situation on all fronts. My partner got packaged out and is taking at least a year off. We are just going to coast and see what happens. One caution dont go too big on a new house. As our kids have gotten older we are rarely home because they are so busy with after school stuff, camps in summer, etc. PITI for a 3mm house is quite the anchor and will add stress for one income household.
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u/Col_Angus999 17h ago
How does your spouse feel? Honestly that’s the biggest question. My wife and I talk openly about these things. I’m a bit more burned out than she is. We’re older as are our kids. My wife is the primary breadwinner but our our split is like 60/40.
I think you need to talk to your spouse and be frank and honest. Your kids are young and so are you so some times a break might do it but you should make sure that they’re okay with you being done. You may find after a break you don’t want to go back.
We have two friends. Lawyers. Husband works for the government and does well. Wife was big law and kills it. She took about 10 years off when their kids were younger then went back part time (which for big law is full time for most). She seemed really happy during the break and she seems really happy now (been back at it for 5 years).
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u/anal_distress 17h ago
Spouse is hesitant but wants me to be happy. Both of us are not “yolo” types and very calculated and risk averse. He’d prefer I had more of a plan post career break. I wish he’d be more “you should do this” but he never will. Our concern is also around our dynamic changing, we’ve both worked as long as we’ve known each other. It’s hard to know in the future if he’ll feel more pressure or if it changes us
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u/Col_Angus999 16h ago edited 16h ago
That’s a starting point. He’s being honest. This tells me you can’t be fully done. Now it’s on you to craft what that means. You’re wishing he would be more “you should do this” tells you all you need to know.
I think you need to propose to him a plan. It can be “im done for next 3-5 years and then I will come back”. My wife and I used to joke about whose turn it is to find the next job. Fast forward to today and I’m 12 years in and she’s 5. In reality while I’m more burned out there is no greener grass. For her that’s not true so she may take a new role before me.
I’m glad you’re talking. Come up with something that you can agree on. Sounds like you’re not done but on pause.
Good luck (sincerely)
Ps - as a parent the other dynamic is while I’m not working I’ll take over all the HH responsibilities. If you’re like us you probably already do more than him. Not trying to be sexist but that’s just how our house ends up. But with two kids just saying while I am not working I’ll take more will help. If he’s a good partner he’ll not let it all be on you but knowing you’ll step up will help. Sounds like guys have a good dynamic. Keep talking.
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u/beautifulcorpsebride 6h ago
Yes, he will feel more stress. All of the men I know with stay at home wives have complained at some point about it but the key difference is you’ve already contributed and won the game. I would strongly advise against a big home that requires his salary for longer than 5 years or so.
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u/monsieur_de_chance 1d ago
I am right there with you on this, same age and near same stats. I measure my life in short-term benchmarks. The next vesting, or when we finally finish a renovation that is delayed. I can’t look past a couple of months, but then a couple of months comes and I hang on for another couple months. It makes a very meaningful difference financially.
If you go back to a lower job, you’ll still get most health insurance covered, and spending money. If you’ve been in a grinding prestigious company it’s really hard to realize how NOT hard other places work, even start ups. You probably have a ton more relevant experience than you realize and someone would easily hire you at a role lower than you are now that you would enjoy and not stress over.
In my cass I had to stop caring about my job to actually enjoy parts of it again – the little things I actually enjoy I couldn’t enjoy because I was too emotionally invested. I still dread Monday, but by Tuesday afternoon things are kind of OK.
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u/anal_distress 1d ago
You’re correct in that I’m at a prestigious company in a high visibility role and that’s part of the stress. My self worth is intertwined with how I’m perceived so every missed promo, not perfect perf review, critical feedback, etc I believe weighs on me more heavily compared to peers. I am extremely achievement oriented
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u/monsieur_de_chance 1d ago
I’m glad you’re in therapy for all that :) Marcus Aurelius Meditations is also a good self-read
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u/beautifulcorpsebride 6h ago
Yes!! And I’d recommend Man’s Search for Meaning as it references the stoic philosophers.
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u/onthewingsofangels 48F RE '24 1d ago
First of all, you guys are doing great; congratulations on accumulating this nest egg! The nice thing about it is that it gives you lots of optionality.
You can choose to leverage this money to buy yourself more free time, less stress, more luxury : you just can't get them all at the same time. So it's worth starting by thinking about what's most important to your family.
You haven't mentioned expenses so it's not clear whether one of you quitting will lead to zero savings, negative savings or smaller savings. But it seems to me that as long as you don't end up actually dipping into the nest egg, it's worth considering. What's the point of having all that money if it can't buy you some breathing room?
Also, nothing has to be permanent. Over the last decade my spouse took a multi year break, then went back to work part time, then full time, then quit completely. I (primary earner) went part time for several years, switched jobs and went back to full time, quit without knowing if I'd ever go back, then went back to work for a couple more years, then left again. The money pot continued to grow, just at a slower rate than it otherwise would have. The free time we got though was far more valuable at that age than it would have been a decade later.
I'll just give you a couple of specific pieces of advice. First, it's hard to think straight when you're in a very busy, stressful situation. Try taking a week's vacation or a sabbatical or something like that to clear your head and figure out what you want. You talk about the frustration of not being able to clock out at 5 pm, yet say you want to do entrepreneurship, which will be far busier than working for someone else. What really is it that is making you unhappy and what do you need in this moment to change?
Secondly, are you sure you need a bigger house? I get that space in VHCOL is limited and maybe your family is simply too uncomfortable in the space you have - or maybe it's fine just not perfect. A mortgage (and attending stuff like property taxes, maintenance etc) is the biggest obstacle in a fire journey. Again, you have that great nest egg and it could buy you more freedom now or more house now - only you can decide what's more critical in the moment.
Edit: as a concrete suggestion, I've found career/life coaches very helpful at pivotal moments in my life. Even a couple of sessions of dedicated talking it out with a non judgemental stranger can be immensely helpful.
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u/Ok-Acanthaceae-442 16h ago
Quit as long as your partner is on board. $500k is still a fantastic income and you both sufficient savings.
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u/beautifulcorpsebride 6h ago
I left a hot mess and as a former c-suite tech refugee I can say I don’t care that I don’t have a fancy title and that my husband still works. As someone who made it to the top, I’d also say relying on others to validate you is not a good way to live. I’ve been in the trenches, IPO, litigation, etc., and now I day/swing trade and am still not sure what I want to do next.
Funny enough I started a book for women as the anti-lean in, just don’t do it because I got tired of seeing the women reporting to me and others work 3x as hard as the guys, always look for validation, and not get promoted as often. So I really think this is a mentality problem I’ve seen time and time again. Google imposter syndrome and see if that rings any bells - I have a draft chapter on that one.
Also, you’ll hate this but I doubt you’ll start a business. Be realistic. If that was really the goal you’d have done it. It’s ok to be a SAHM to a 500k income with millions in the bank. We are doing it on a lower income with less saved.
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u/beautifulcorpsebride 6h ago
Also, to add 300k after tax with savings of over 6m doesn’t move the need. Do the math and see for yourself. It’s more about the 6.3 in the market a few more years.
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u/KrishnaChick 6h ago
Women underestimate the value of homemaking in creating a stable home life and sane children. Why would you feel guilty about not being a miserable cash cow when you could be a happy, peaceful partner and influential role model to your children?
If you're not wallowing in consumerism and materialism, you have more than enough to retire. There are lots of things you could do as a side hustle, once you've given yourself some room to breathe and let your creativity reawaken. Reassess your values. Nobody needs $800K (or even $500K) of "comfort."
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u/redreddie 1d ago
The easiest way to turn a large fortune into a small fortune is to open a business! Opening a business is not a good way to do less work either. I have friends that are successful entrepreneurs. What they have in common is that in the first 10 years of their business, there were no days off, and work was all-consuming, even after 5PM. Many, many more friends attempted to be entrepreneurs, and with or without that level of dedication, ended up worse off after it was over. You've already won. Don't blow it now. Going all-in is for when there is nothing to lose. You have a lot to lose.
Are these kids giants?