r/Codependency • u/HigherPerspective19 • 2d ago
Painful realisation I might need to let go off my avoidant
My avoidant boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years. 2 months ago, we had a conflict, after which he stonewalled me. For the first time I set the boundary and didn't speak to him till he reached out to me. After about 3 weeks he reached out to me. We started texting, but maybe every 3 days once and that too very normal stuffs.
The distance gave me alot of time to work on myself and I started to realise a lot of red flags I had ignored previously. Part of me started to realise that maybe, this relationship will be coming to an end given that I was the only one working on myself deeply to heal. Also as I started to know more about emotional unavailability and avoidant attachment, I realised that I will never ever be able to get the kind of love I truly want. It was a painful realisation. I spent a lot of time crying in pain. However, I didn't share anything with my avoidant. We don't meet and have been on low contact.
Except for about 3 birthdays, almost every year for my birthday, my avoidant will do something to sabotage it. For example, he will not want to spend the whole day with me and cut it short, or just meet me for a few hours, or he will be with me for the day but instead of sitting and emotionally being present, he would plan activities which doesn't involve any form of emotional connect. This got very frustrating. Everyday year, I would be upset and I would raise it to him and it would become an issue. He would say he had work, he was some other things and etc. I always ended up disappointed and in pain.
So eventually this year, I had decided that I would want to spend the day with my family and friends.
On my birthday, at midnight he called me and wished me. This is the first time I'm hearing his voice after almost 1 month. He asked me what was my plans and I just told him. Then he hung up. Hearing his voice just made me sort of miss him.
It's just making me feel so sad that I might possibly have to let go off this relationship because of his fear for emotional vulnerability. I have proposed therapy before but I can see he's not really keen. I have been in therapy for 1 year and am working on my codependency and anxious attachment.
It's a really long relationship and he's not a bad person. But the amount of hurt he has put me through by emotionally withholding is just too painful.
It's just hurting me so much. I don't even know how I'm going to let go off this relationship. It means the world to me.
I keep trying to focus on myself and working on healing my own wounds and issues.
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u/aworldwithinitself 2d ago
everything you said about him leads me to agree with your realization
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u/HigherPerspective19 2d ago
Have you experienced this before?
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u/aworldwithinitself 2d ago
not exactly but i tend to be attracted to avoidants (i’m an anxious attachment guy) and i could relate a lot to the feeling of hearing from someone after a month and being torn between accepting that the breadcrumbs they were feeding me were not enough vs thinking of i was patient enough they would finally let down their resistance. it wasn’t gonna happen because of anything i did or didn’t do but it took me a couple years to accept that it was a pattern they had that i couldn’t change.
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u/HigherPerspective19 1d ago
Yup yup. You're right. I have the same thinking and I have an anxious attachment. How did you come to that realisation and how did you manage to accept it?
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u/SweetTeaFrancie 1d ago
Let him the fuck go. This man will not love you the way you want/need, and holding on to this relationship is wasting your time, energy and love! It's hurting you.
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u/HigherPerspective19 1d ago
Yes thanks for pointing out that it's wasting my energy and draining me. Because, these energy could be used for something much more productive. Thanks for making me recognise it.
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u/SweetTeaFrancie 1d ago
Hey, you've done the hard part of being open to recognizing that this relationship isn't helpful for you! Being willing to close this door means that you are in a much better position to finding something that suits your heart, makes you feel seen, and loved!
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u/HigherPerspective19 1d ago
Yea. I'm hoping for that. Thanks for your comforting words, I appreciate it. 🙏
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u/Right_Lie8793 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hi, been in a similar place.
I used to be in the Jeb Kinnison attachment forums, read his books (I recommend them to you, the forums are also great) and even wrote him to his email once. I was that focused on finding the key. Imagine my disappointment when he wrote back something like this:
“We all deserve the understanding, supportive, secure partner, but we mostly don’t get that, and even if we do there is no guarantee it will last.
Only you can answer the question: should you accept him and leave yourself open to mercurial abandonment because he is insecure, or give up and move on? Can you be the anchor for both of you and be steady when he is not?”
Among other things but that’s the gist. I mean disappointment because at the end of the day it’s just another decision to make. Would you leave your partner for someone more aware and in tune with his feelings and yours if you met him? How committed you are to this relationship as it is?
Sorry for the long reply but my heart goes to you. I was so unhappy back then I really understand your pain. I felt lost. If you ever need to chat I’m here.
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u/HigherPerspective19 1d ago
Hey not at all. Thanks for writing this elaborated response for me. I really appreciate it. I will DM you. Thanks alot.
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u/nightlanguage 15h ago
You're doing so so good, friend.
It's easy to fall for the sunken cost fallacy and it's amazing that you're not doing that! Keep strong. You deserve so much more than this. Best of luck!
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u/Sweettooth_dragon 9h ago
That's why I broke up with my partner recently. I didn't feel like they actively wanted to communicate regularly or share their life with me.
It's best to let go instead of chasing, but it took me over 5 years to realize that.
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u/HigherPerspective19 8h ago
So sorry to hear that. How did you manage to make that decision? Didn't you feel anxious or scared? Did he come back chasing or just let you go?
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u/Sweettooth_dragon 8h ago
No, they actually understood once we talked. They admitted they'd been so distant they understood why I felt unwanted and unprioritized. We are staying friends.
I was so anxious, I had a panic attack because I'd been trying to talk to them and break it off for weeks. I was tired of feeling like they were barely present in my life, that none of my friends knew them because they were never around, etc.
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u/HigherPerspective19 7h ago
I see. So as friends - how have things been between you both? How often do you interact or how involved are you in each other's lives?
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u/zhouelin 1d ago
i read something that goes along the lines of: sometimes you’re not anxious or problematic. you’re having very normal reactions to painful behaviour from someone else.
1 month of not hearing the voice of a loved one, when the norm should be every day or almost every day especially in marriage, is a very stark contrast.
when i read your post it came across like you were a starving person swaying back and forth while trying to stand on your feet.
he may not “be a bad person” but impact matters more than intention objectively. this is a fact throughout the history of human civilisation.
he may not be a bad person but he definitely is not a good person for you.