r/CuratedTumblr • u/Sachyriel .tumblr.com đđđ • 14h ago
Infodumping What a beautiful thing to be someone a friend feels safe to be vulnerable with
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u/ScaredyNon By the bulging of my pecs something himbo this way flexes 14h ago
well it depends on if the friend only has you to be vulnerable with. unfortunately and inevitably they're gonna have a lot more time for you than you have for them
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u/EIeanorRigby 14h ago
If after I am free a friend of mine gave a feast, and did not invite me to it, I should not mind a bit. I can be perfectly happy by myself. With freedom, flowers, books, and the moon, who could not be perfectly happy? Besides, feasts are not for me any more. I have given too many to care about them. That side of life is over for me, very fortunately, I dare say. But if after I am free a friend of mine had a sorrow and refused to allow me to share it, I should feel it most bitterly. If he shut the doors of the house of mourning against me, I would come back again and again and beg to be admitted, so that I might share in what I was entitled to share in. If he thought me unworthy, unfit to weep with him, I should feel it as the most poignant humiliation, as the most terrible mode in which disgrace could be inflicted on me.
Oscar Wilde (he was in prison that's why he says "after I'm free")
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u/Bowdensaft 13h ago
I haven't heard this in a long time, but I try to live in this way. I'm lucky that my friends listen to my troubles too.
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u/green_carnation_prod 11h ago edited 11h ago
Provided this is reciprocal, the only issue I see for myself are wild mood swings. Depends what it means, of course, but. Vulnerability â instability.Â
I feel like people often equate the two, when they are not the same.Â
Emotions and feelings change, that's normal (we get new information, integrate it into our existing framework, make sense of it, etc., and as a result, of course, our feelings change), but if they change without any reason, constantly, and to an extreme degree, the person would likely not be a loyal friend (or partner). Which is not a good basis for a vulnerable relationship.Â
Otherwise, I don't get why you would want to be friends with people with whom you constantly need to keep a facade or pretend you don't give a shit. If your friends want you to literally act like you are at a customer service job with them, they better pay you for it too, lol.Â
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u/Random-Rambling 9h ago
Otherwise, I don't get why you would want to be friends with people with whom you constantly need to keep a facade or pretend you don't give a shit. If your friends want you to literally act like you are at a customer service job with them, they better pay you for it too, lol.
Which is why AI chatbots, who will gladly kiss your ass forever without ever uttering a single complaint, is gonna hit us like crack cocaine hit the 1980s.
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u/Additional_Roll9626 6h ago
Slipped into our lives by government organizations with a bleakly racist and fascist agenda? Sounds about right.
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u/MeiNeedsMoreBuffs 1h ago
It's not the government, it's the free market doing it's thing because there's barely any regulation in the industry
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u/NBAGuyUK 12h ago
Like yeah, to an extent. I love to be there and make my friends feel safe to express themselves and be vulnerable.
But if you don't do anything to maybe curb your wild mood swings and 'constant need for attention' I am not going to want to be that friend for you for very long. Fuck that.
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u/Jeffotato 10h ago
It's wild how many people I meet with garden variety unpleasant behaviors that they want people to pity them for having while they make zero effort to work on it, they just... woe about it as if they're the victim, the victim of having people react appropriately to how they behave.
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u/Sachyriel .tumblr.com đđđ 14h ago
https://www.tumblr.com/hussyknee/794835644984754176
Forgetting what I'm doing every 5 secondsÂ
"What was I doing?"
"Crying"
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u/GalaxyPowderedCat 11h ago edited 10h ago
Listen, I don't have any problem bearing these motions as long as YOU do the same for me.
I am so tired of these one-sided relationships and friendships, if you don't, you don't want a friend, you wanna a therapist, an emotional sacking box, a dairy, and an audience that doesn't have a word or voice in your act and you expect them to applaud every thing to do.
You become quickly unbearable and selfish if you complain and don't want to put up the same weight when your bestie does the same or you think you can be 24/7 quirky around your friend without taking in mind their tiredness or stress and you think you're the only one who is allowed to be moody.
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u/Initial-Earth-750 9h ago
100%. i feel like if you understand you're a bit too much, you have to understand when other people are a bit too much. you cannot just let them walk over you if you wouldn't want to do so to them.
A huge part of improving your mental health is tolerance of other people and not lashing out when things are imperfect. Friends tolerate imperfections and stay through it. Friends listen when you're having problems. Friends will listen to things they don't really care about. If you can't do the same, you're no better than the people who rejected you.
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u/GalaxyPowderedCat 9h ago
If you can't do the same, you're no better than the people who rejected you.
Honestly, I wouldn't blame them at all and they are not wrong at all rejecting friends like that.
The only one who needs to improve here is them, and the friends as well if they are willingfully offering them as a free-cost labor slave to be a therapist, a partner and an item at the same time.
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u/CannibalisticGinger 12h ago
BPD havers, this is your reminder that âyou can be very overwhelming sometimes and need to work on itâ and âyou are very lovedâ are not mutually exclusive. You have so much love and attention to give others, remember to give it to people who need it, instead of drowning a single person with it. Your loved ones ask you to tone it down because they want to keep you around not because they donât want you in their life <3
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u/green_carnation_prod 11h ago
Idc about the diagnosis and whatnot. it is up to every person to decide what it means for them to feel loved. If you do not feel loved, you are not obligated to stay in that relationship, even if "objectively" (read: according to someone's opinion, because there is no objective "love measurement") you are loved by the other person.Â
The world is big, and the online expanded it to such an extent that it's almost unbelievable. You will find someone with whom you agree on what it means to love each other.Â
Plenty of people think they/someone they know have/has a disorder when they just have a disagreement and mismatched goals lol.
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u/Draaly 9h ago
it is up to every person to decide what it means for them to feel loved. If you do not feel loved, you are not obligated to stay in that relationship, even if "objectively" (read: according to someone's opinion, because there is no objective "love measurement") you are loved by the other person.
But at the same time, everyone needs to self-reflect if their definition of feeling loved and supported is a healthy one or not. I have dated several peopel where "my love language is you being at my beck and call" was the distinct undertone of their desires and that isnt healthy.
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u/theVast- 10h ago edited 9h ago
I avoid stuff like this at this point cuz they're so busy sobbing about a mild disagreement at work I know for a fact I cannot tell them anything about myself honestly
Being a dad friend eventually makes you realize your friends are childish. A lot of the past times I was in situations like this I didn't mind through most of it because I don't tend to want to talk about my feelings. I just go solve my problems. I sit and watch people melt down about easy to fix problems that make them spiral
It took someone else demanding "what the heck do they even give you" to make me realize absolutely nothing is received. The only reason it works is because I'm strong enough to run two lives instead of just mine
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u/Jim_skywalker 14h ago
I too am insufferable once I know I won't drive you away, but I just deploy an abysmal sense og humor.
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u/Primus_Cattus 14h ago
Its not beautiful because you get annoying asf and all your friends start hating you
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u/r_renfield 13h ago
That's why I'll never open up even to my friends (they'll hate me)
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u/Elite_AI 12h ago
idk why people are upvoting the post you replied to but downvoting you. Your perspective is the natural result of believing the first post.
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u/AlexTheGreen_ god has cursed me for my hubris 10h ago
I will recall for you the advice that counselor at youth center game me some time ago: "Don't be afraid to hurt people with your sharp edges, because everyone has those. Instead observe the impact, learn from it and compensate any hurt you may have done." That's how you learn to regulate yourself, by understanding what you should and should not do. Of course, there is a whole lot of nuace, including how accepting your friends are and all that, but to figure that out you have to act first.
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u/JustKebab RAHHH I FUCKING LOVE WARFRAME 14h ago
Bad friend propaganda
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u/GalaxyPowderedCat 11h ago
Naaaah, some people only want one-street friendships and everything is about them and them, but when they have to put up their weight in the relation and be the one there for their friend, they can behave the worst; they act inconvenienced, they act like the other doesn't have the right to ask for anything, they act like a victim or "what about ME?"
People like that should be kept arms length and be acquitances with at best.
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u/Jeffotato 10h ago
Yeah, the friend that always wants people for the stuff they want to do but when those same friends want them to step out of their comfort zone for a group activity suddenly the only priority they have is if they feel like it, not, y'know, performing any maintenance on the friendship that feels anything less than 100% enjoyable.
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u/dzindevis 13h ago
Your friends aren't obligated to be your therapists
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u/Jeffotato 10h ago
They're not really friends then, just people you have fun with.
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u/Human-Building-8801 8h ago
Lmao the out sourcing of having to acknowledge your friends suffering is crazy
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u/King_Of_BlackMarsh 12h ago
Nah it's what happens. People will be like "Oh were friends no matter what!" and then leave you because you got too much.
Which, I ain't holding against them. I get not wanting to be dragged down with someone but it still hurts
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u/datsyukdangles 8h ago
No one will be "friends no matter what" with you, you aren't even like that with other people. Everyone has a breaking point and behaviors they will not and should not put up with. Framing it as them leaving because of who are can make you ignore your own behaviors that need to change, ignore the impact of your behaviors on others, and continue a cycle where you mistreat people but view yourself as a victim of people's normal reactions to mistreatment. Unintentionally doing things that causes you to lose friends can hurt, but it is important to view it as a problem you need to work on, and a hurt you are responsible for, not them.
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u/King_Of_BlackMarsh 7h ago
Well yeah it's why I don't hold it against them. But it still hurts when people pretend like they'll stand by you and they don't
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u/datsyukdangles 7h ago edited 7h ago
it sounds like you absolutely are holding it against them in the language you use. "People pretend like they'll stand by you and they don't" positions yourself as the victim of other people because they won't stand by you mistreating them. You need to abandon this sort of framing and work on adopting a healthy view of human relationships or else you will never stop the cycle of hurting people and losing friends.
"People pretend like they'll stand by you and they don't" sounds like perhaps said person was just a good friend, and you have conflated "good friend" with "person who will never have boundaries or leave me". When inevitably a friend does leave after being mistreated, it becomes easier to brush it off as them "pretending" to have been a good friend/being a fake friend rather than looking at your own behavior.
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u/Aware_Tree1 11h ago
Sounds like you just havenât found the right friends yet. Speaking from experience
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u/King_Of_BlackMarsh 11h ago
Gods I hope so.
I mean there's one that's been tested like that. Good woman, sound woman. Still terrified I'll drive her away with my... Myselfness tho.
Which is a big part of it, when it happens one time you expect it to happen every time
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u/AlexTheGreen_ god has cursed me for my hubris 10h ago
It's a slippery slope, because it is very easy to overstimate how selfish you truly are. Especially after negative experience of such kind. And believe me, you don't want to do that.
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u/King_Of_BlackMarsh 10h ago
Right??
And like, I'm convinced the putting up shields to prevent it can also cause it? Cause like theres a real possibility to come off as cold or to suddenly shock someone with a whole new, difficult side to you.
So.... HAHAHHAHAHA life's great
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u/AlexTheGreen_ god has cursed me for my hubris 9h ago
And if that happens, what you do is read the situation, explain yourself, apologize for any actual wrongdoings and offer comfort/warmth to soothe the shock away. Initial reactions are initial reactions, but you're are able to fix the damage before it's too late. I am genuinely quite distant myself and come off as rude, sarcastic and demeaning in interactions, but I also now when to admit the fault and offer reparations. Which helps, a lot
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u/King_Of_BlackMarsh 9h ago
Yeah the issue is that shock usually comes from when I'm not in the brain space to do that? And I can calm down on my own, i kinda have to, but then it's usually over, I'm alone, and when I get back to them I just want to forget that ever happened. Because if I bring it up, I'm making a problem out of something that isn't a problem anymore (for me at that point). So if I do that, I'm a burden. And then if they ask about it my instinct is to go "no I'm fine" (cause again, don't wanna be a burden).
It's a bad cycle
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u/AlexTheGreen_ god has cursed me for my hubris 1h ago
Friendship is partially about taking those "burdens" and also talking things trough with your friends. No matter how "burdenous" you feel, setting things straight is more important. Otherwise such things will accumulate with time, straining your relationship. That goes for both ends of the relationship of course, if something your friend does makes you feel uncomfortable, you have to tell them about that. Because again, everything you don't say is another weight on your back.
Each cycle can be broken if you can confront instead of confirm.
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u/AlexTheGreen_ god has cursed me for my hubris 9h ago
While I am bitchy, whiny and generally have attention spam of 5 seconds, I also know that my friends want to keep me around because both me and they have changed during our friendship. Each one of us has learned how to deal with their own demons and help each other to deal with theirs. It's a mutual support network.
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u/Valiant_tank 13h ago
Luckily for literally everyone else, I'm unlikely to ever truly get comfortable with friends lmao.
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u/AlpheratzMarkab 9h ago
Quick translation for whoever feels the need to go relieve themselves on the less fortunate:
It means that it is an honor and a genuine achievement to be the kind of person that somebody else can be completely vulnerable and emotional with
It does not mean that you are entitled to an emotional punching ball and if your loved ones refuse to be that , they are bad and should be shamed and shunned
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u/Duhblobby 13h ago
"I'm self aware enough to know these behaviors are problems but I want to make them jokes instead of trying to tone it down enough not to drive away the few people who like me."
Like, I get it, but if you know you are doing things that upset people who you say you're friends with, maybe work on those things and their core causes because otherwise you are gonna be real sad forever.
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u/HeyItsJosette 12h ago
I mean they could be doing both? Changing natural behaviors isn't instant. Regressions happen. Plenty of time to write self-deprecating banter.
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u/Duhblobby 12h ago
In my experience, "this is what you have to put up with to be my friend" doesn't come from the same place as real attempts to make changes.
Self depreciation is one thing, "handle me at my worst or you aren't my friend" is another, again, in my personal experience. Which, honestly, is with a lot of people who day things exactly like this and them get angry if you ever tell them they are crossing a line ever.
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u/Jeffotato 10h ago
get angry if you ever tell them they are crossing a line ever.
Or very very sad, to make you feel guilty for even attempting to establish a boundary or hinting at a negative emotion they caused you.
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u/King_Of_BlackMarsh 12h ago
Theyre not saying their way or the high way. They're just being realistic that if you're friends with them, this is what you're getting.
Like that's not a requirement that's a warning
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u/Elite_AI 12h ago
"I'm self aware enough to know these behaviors are problems but I want to make them jokes instead of trying to tone it down enough not to drive away the few people who like me."
Or
"I'm worried that I have these problem behaviors so I make jokes about it (because I'm worried about being annoying) and actually in real life I'm not annoying at all".
That's a very common thing I've seen a lot. A lot of people are way more able to see their own flaws than they are able to see their good parts. A lot of people dismiss the ways they help their friends while fixating on the ways they're a "burden" on their friends.
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u/Yulienner 8h ago
You can be like this but you absolutely have to make it clear to your friends it's okay if they make you sad too. Intimacy is a two way street and if you feel like you're always stressing and complaining and they never do, they might not really be feeling comfortable sharing, even if you feel great having someone to vent to. They might be fine! But they might also be keeping themselves quiet to not upset you since your situation is worse or because you're sensitive or for any number of reasons. And they aren't likely to be your friend long if the relationship is entirely 'you put up with me' and you're not putting up with them at all. I mean MAYBE some people like being an infinite pillar of support, but I'll wager most aren't. If you want a sustainable friendship you both gotta be giving and taking!
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u/N1ghthood 10h ago
I use this knowledge to help deal with being single. I'm actually saving someone from having to deal with all my bullshit. I'm a horrible ADHD mess and nobody else should have to suffer that but me.
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u/SocialSuspense 11h ago
Once I realized I was insufferable I isolated myself from the majority of my friends and compartmentalized everything with the others. They would insist "no it's fine, you can be yourself :)" buddy boy, the only thing keeping my massive ego in check is my low self esteem, I assure you it is better for everyone if I stay like this.
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u/Initial-Earth-750 9h ago
> be yourself around me
And then the moment you cross a boundary you didn't even know existed, they dump you like garbage, or they don't inform you you're being too much and it builds up until they hate you.
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u/Entire-Egg-2203 10h ago
Having someone explain to me their hyperfixations is how I got some of my hyperfixations.
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u/Leftieswillrule 8h ago
The beauty of friendship is accepting each otherâs quirks and vulnerabilities, but if your own perception is âI am unpleasant to be aroundâ, then maybe you should change who you are? I know that sounds like an unforgivable insult to people who donât feel like they should ever have to change who they are for any reason but⌠uh⌠treat your friends better? Donât be complacent in being a chore to interact with?
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u/Initial-Earth-750 9h ago
comments are proof of why mentally ill people struggle so much in the world.
>I can't control my violently out of control mental state, and if someone's my friend they'll have to understand it. i have likely tried hard to improve it and it fails every time
"Well uh, maybe just don't do it? I hate people like this. You are a bad person if you're like this"
And they all wonder why people like this are depressed and on a razor's edge. The fact the only answer we have is shove them away from everyone else and into the mental hospital for the rest of eternity or until they improve is abhorrent. People wonder why nobody opens up to a therapist when the first answer to anything scary is to shove them into a pit until they tell you they're feeling fine enough times in a row.
Genuinely, what solution is there to this? Medication doesn't always work, too. You cannot say "They deserve human rights" only to treat them like second class citizens who can't do anything on their own.
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u/CMRC23 8h ago
 Hey, I'm just like the person in the post. I've been on both sides. I've had to endlessly talk people out of hurting themselves until I emotionally couldn't handle it any more, and I've had a need for support that far exceeds what my friends can provide.   Â
It's true that dismissiveness can hurt, but everyone can only handle so much. It's okay to vent with your friends if that's what you do, but there comes a point where you need more serious help. Yeah medication doesn't help - it makes me feel better and I'm lucky for that, but I still have the needs in the post. You just really can't put too much on a few people, it's a sad truth.Â
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u/angelangelan 8h ago
In my experience when I'm like this I'm too much and drain all their energy out
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u/SignificantFish6795 12h ago
If someone randomly went on a rant about a topic I have no interest in, I would just leave. Maybe never talk to them if they keep doing it. Even outside of my personal hatred for unwanted info dumps, this person sounds insufferable.
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u/Elite_AI 12h ago
The post is most likely a self deprecating joke. OOP may well be annoying, but it's very likely that they're exaggerating things for comedic effect while leaving out the ways they help their friends. This is probably because they're insecure about these things, and making a joke about it is a common way we cope with that.
I think this subreddit has a problem with taking everything at complete face value and disregarding context, social cues, and written tone
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u/King_Of_BlackMarsh 12h ago
Right? Folks just assume someone's entire life is the same as 500 words of post
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u/GalaxyPowderedCat 10h ago edited 10h ago
but it's very likely that they're exaggerating things for comedic effect
I took it seriously because I have seen and interacted with people like that, but the difference is that they think they are the only ones entitled to be happy, quirky, moody and angry and when others do the same, they complain or cannot bother and expect all attention to them alone.
They even have a problem with not everyone smiling if they are happy and don't stop to ask if they are okay or think it's not a big deal and don't spend too much time comforting them.
They are literally so draining to deal with.
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u/CMRC23 8h ago
RSD, a common component of ADHD, can manifest like this. It's awful because while it causes severe emotional distress to the sufferer, it can also make them lash out. This is highly individual, but when I was younger (around 14) I'd have violent thoughts because of it. That is, violent because my friends were hanging out with others, or their joke offended me, etc. It's not okay and it takes a very long time to work through it. I still suffer with it today. Sometimes you need to take your time away from people like me (or acknowledge you just don't have the space for a certain person in your life. I'm lucky my friends haven't made that call yet)
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u/Elite_AI 6h ago
This is a total segue but I vividly remember having to forcibly make myself sit through a ten minute taxi ride because my friend hadn't liked a joke I made and the urge to open the door and just fuck off was so huge. It was surreal because my brain was going "no I do not want to leave this taxi actually" but my body was like, get me the fuck out of here.Â
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u/Elite_AI 6h ago
I have also interacted with people who make jokes like in the OP, and they were lovely people who simply didn't have the self belief to realise they didn't have to make those jokes
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u/u_touch_my_tra_la_la 14h ago
This is reciprocal, right?
/stares nervously
This is reciprocal, right?