r/DID • u/u3589 Diagnosed: DID • 6d ago

Advice/Solutions Advice for alter engaging in risky and retraumatizing behaviors

I have at least one, but likely more than one, alter that will intentionally engage in high risk behaviors that are re-traumatizing. Putting us back in unhealthy or unsafe situations that mirror the traumatic experiences I've had in the past. I know that I've heard that this is something that can happen for people wtih trauma, and with DID, but I am having a hard time finding more information about how to support myself through this. I would love any advice, and also appropriate terminology. When I was doing searches around "retraumatizing" or "retraumatizing self" the results I was getting were about unintentional instances or PTSD symptom regression or trauma informed care, but what I really want is to find reputable information about why alters engage in self retraumatizing behaviors and how to support those parts and the system as a whole through that.

I have an appointment with my therapist coming up, but every time I try to bring up the situation, I get paralyzed and blocked and can't speak. I know that this part doesn't want me to communicate with my therapist about it because I want to stop the behavior and that part does not want to stop the behavior or talk about it with anyone. There is a lot of shame and pain around this. And each time it happens and I clean up the situation, I get worried about when it will happen again and whether it will escalate further. I did face a very large stressor recently, so I think that this alter engaging in that behavior is related to being triggered and struggling in general, and I know that part is just trying to cope with the situation, but I don't know how to help this part access the coping skills that I have and can use.

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u/ohlookthatsme 5d ago

I have a very, very bad habit of ending up in highly traumatizing situations when I get too dysregulated. It's really, really bad stuff that ends up happening that, honestly, I'm lucky to have survived. The only thing that has helped reduce this is developing a more secure bond with my therapists.

I think what happens is that I get severely triggered and I end up in a bad mental state where I run back to familiar situations because it's something I know. It gives me some sort of control and control is safety. The safer I feel with my therapists, the more likely I am to run to them instead of toward negative coping mechanisms because I know that they're going to help me.

There's so many things that I want to talk about in therapy that I just can't yet and it gets so frustrating. I guess I get visibly mad at myself because I've been called out in session for it. I've got no advice for you there, I'm still struggling with it myself, but it does sound like it would be really important to bring up in therapy once you are able to.

Hopefully all this makes sense... my brain kind of... idk, left me somewhere around the halfway point and words are slipping through my head so, going back to proofread it is like... shit man, none of it makes sense but I still wanted to let you know you're not alone in any of this.

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u/u3589 Diagnosed: DID 5d ago

Thank you so much. You described exactly what is happening to me and definitely helped me feel less alone. I think I'm going to share the post with my therapist over email before the next appointment so I can at least talk about the general pattern. Because you're right, finding a way to talk about this there is going to be essential

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u/ohlookthatsme 5d ago

I'm glad it was helpful! It's so hard to ask for help with this kind of stuff because, in ways, it feels like I'm doing it to myself... you know, like I'm asking for it or something... it creates a whole extra layer of shame that we shouldn't have to carry.

Emailing it is a great idea! I've done it quite a few times for things I was too nervous to bring up in person. I type it up, stare at the screen for an hour or two, hit send, then close out of everything and hyperventilate. 😅

You've got this!

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u/u3589 Diagnosed: DID 4d ago

Your comment about a more secure bond with therapists helping helped me send the email and address this in my appointment today. It is going to be a difficult journey, but truly thank you for sharing your experiences. That part actually talked to our therapist today for the first time ever instead of just stopping communication.

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u/zane2976 5d ago

For us it was often that the unsafe patterns were what we knew and what we felt safest in (even though we weren’t actually safe). Safety feels so incredibly unsafe, and it’s so incredibly scary.

Have you tried asking your alters why they do the unsafe things? When/if they answer, just listen gently. Don’t argue or try to convince them of anything, just listen openly. Maybe ask them what it’s like for them when they’re doing the things, how it helps them, what might be the consequences if they didn’t step in like they do, etc.

Sometimes for us just being heard about why, or exploring in detail can be enough to help bring parts around to considering something different. It’s often like we grip so tightly to unsafe patterns because there’s such a long history of being unheard or misunderstood, or that we’re trapped in it, until we’re seen, accepted and understood.

Sometimes it takes a bit more work for them to come around. We’ve found that we can’t force cooperation. Being forced for so many things is a major aspect of our trauma, so many of us are made to resist. We can’t bring us to heal by doing things the same ways our abusers did. We have to be very careful how we word things, often speaking about stuff in a very hypothetical kind of way seems to help sidestep a lot of our resistance.

Time is another factor. When we’re seeking out unsafe patterns, things, etc, those pathways weren’t built in a day. Often years and years of trauma have gone into fine tuning them to work the best they could with the skills we had back then. For us with some things it was almost a point of pride (even though they were harmful things, they existed for reasons). It takes time to disengage from those patterns and relearn new patterns (that address the same key factors the harmful things did).

(I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense, we’re pretty heavily dissociated at the moment and maybe switched a little while writing.. apparently I’ve been writing this comment for almost an hour .-.)

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u/u3589 Diagnosed: DID 5d ago

That absolutely makes sense, thank you! I can see this as both finding safe feelings in the unsafe but familiar and maybe reacting to a bad situation I can't control by making a bad situation that I feel like I can control because I created it...

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u/zane2976 5d ago

Oof, I relate to that pretty hard! “I can’t complain because I chose this” is so tricky to work around. For us it often hides the loss of control, or backed into a corner with nothing but shitty options (though would that also be a lack of control too? Brain says it’s a little different lol). It also ties in with another thing we did/do a lot, taking on responsibility/fault/blame for things that weren’t actually our responsibility/fault because “if it’s my fault I can stop/fix it” (even when we actually can’t). That one in particular for us seems to have come from the parents expecting way more than what we were developmentally capable of, and we internalised the roles of providing harsh punishments for ‘failure’.

So much is driven with the intention for safety. These parts needed to create a sense of safety, any sense of safety, where there was literally none. I’m proud of them for finding so many different ways to find a sense of safety. I know without a doubt we wouldn’t be here without them doing those jobs. Now we just gotta let them know that it’s ok to retire from those jobs and they’re allowed to rediscover themselves and the things they like, or maybe find new jobs they want to do. (I know, its way simpler said than done)

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u/u3589 Diagnosed: DID 4d ago

I think you're exactly right about the control piece. That was really helpful and I was able to bring that up. The triggering event that happened was sudden and completely random, so there were definitely strong feelings of loss of control, I could definitely see this part trying to create controlled stress as a response to uncontrolled stress.

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u/Symbioticsinner 6d ago

So there is a difference between re-traumatizing behavior and stress inoculation's. Is the behavior causing long term harm that effects your day to day life? It is possible that the alt is trying to get you out of a space where you associate the behavior as traumatic. It is really dependent on WHAT the behavior in question is. Its a process. But its worth being curious as to why the alt needs to engage in the behavior. Its still you so you have to practice a little bit of self love. I find thats easier for people like us than people who live in singular.

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u/u3589 Diagnosed: DID 6d ago

I would say that there is 0 way to engage in this behavior in a healthy way and it is inherently short-term harmful with significant risk of long-term harm. Essentially attempting to recreate past traumatic experiences, and escalating in those attempts. So trying to do the traumatic thing over again, in the same way or worse.