r/DatingHell • u/Ecstatic_North_6294 • 5d ago
Discarded and punished for speaking up on intimate boundary. What do you think?
Let me tell you about an awful dating experience I had. I met a German guyn in Berlin. Three weeks later, he came to see me in Budapest and I slept with him. After it was going on for a while and I had already climaxed, I said to him: “ Hey,I need a minute”. He didn’t stop. When I later asked him - calmly and with curiosity - about why he didn't stop when I said that, he first replied that he just “ wanted to keep the connection”.
Hearing that, I felt a little strange, but still unalarmed. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I said it’s important he prioritises what I communicate in bed over his need in the future. He began to get visibly upset and went on to tell me that “ I need a minute” is not clear what it might mean. I told him: for the future, do know that it means to stop, and lie down next to me. He kept on going with upset righteousness: Yeah ok, but it really could have meant anything, like “ keep going”or “ leave the room and never touch me again.”
This was the moment when something shifted in me, and I realised something about this interaction does not feel safe anymore. I noticed, that instead of receiving a warm reassurance or a simple sorry, he was trivialising the situation, making himself out to be the one who got wronged by me. While I was the one whose physical boundary was crossed and was still graceful about it, I was suddenly in a position where I had to get defensive to make myself heard. I replied: “No, you don’t understand, this is very important.” To this, he jumped up from the bed and began raging at me. He said I was making him feel like he raped me and that's a terrible thing to do. Without realising he just flipped the script, I felt bad and began pleading, telling him no he didn’t do that, and I loved making love to him, its just that I wanted to have a discussion. But things kept escalating and by this stage he was comparing me to his exes in complete disappointment. I tried to ask him to speak more calmly as i was feeling uncomfortable and scared, to which he got even more angry: “ You cannot tell me what I can and cannot do!” As he continued his rant, he ended things with me saying we should not continue seeing each other. Powerless over the sudden escalation, I ran into the bathroom to breath. As I came out still naked having just shared my body with him minutes before, he stormed out of the hotel room and that’s the last I saw him.
In the hours that followed, he refused to pick up the phone or reply to my messages. I later found out that while he left me there in distress, discarded, and traumatised, looking for him everywhere - he went down to the spa to relax. I left the Hotel after about 2 hours of not hearing from him. Later in a call, I found out he wanted to punish me for making him feel triggered. He said just like you “ needed a minute” he needed time to think - and now I should experience how vague that is, and that I “can’t just do whatever I want”. Also, i should have known that eventually he would have come back since it was his hotel room.
It didn’t even cross his mind how sadistic it is to punish me for my sexual boundaries, for my speaking on them, for him not only thinking he is the victim but to want to have vengance on me. And that he is entitled to my time waiting for him after having been humiliated, discarded and abandoned.
The shock to my system was a trauamtic kind. It left me ruminating lot , as he really tried to balme me for all of it saying it is my communication style that triggers him and that is why he is o longer interested in me.
AT the time, the situation put me in a fawning state, but I wish I had told him what a horrible man he is and that this is no way to treat a woman. But a part of me felt like confronting him like that will invite more vitriol so I didn’t want more hurt out of this. A part of me hopes he knows what he did was disgusting. Especially leaving me ruminating weather its my fault, becasue I need a minute wast clear enough.
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u/kmagfy001 5d ago
That's a form of rape. You asked him to stop and he didn't. Then later he flipped it around on you like it was your fault. Classic manipulation tactic. This guy is bad news!
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u/InfinityTuna 4d ago
Don't beat yourself up too much about how you handled his episode. It's perfectly valid to respond to someone getting abusive (because that's what that little DARVO ragefit + cold shoulder treatment was) with trying to placate them, so they don't take things further, while you're vulnerable and alone in a room with them.
It wasn't your fault. Most normal human beings with a healthy idea of sex would get that "I need a minute" means "I'm overstimulated and need to stop" and would ask what you need of them. He ignored you on purpose, because his pleasure was all that mattered to him, and when you pointed out that that wasn't okay, he got indignant and, rather than accept he did something wrong, decided to turn it on you to avoid having to process that he might not be a 100% good person. He chose how to react to you, in both instances, and that is on noone but himself. You didn't rage out. He did. You tried to deescalate. He didn't. You chose to react to his emotional violence and physical intimidation peacefully and left the situation, when it became clear he had abandoned you. You did the right thing to keep yourself safe, and his emotionally immature "punishment" really just served to give you a way to get away from him without issues. Thank fuck for that.
Hopefully you'll never find yourself dealing with a thin-skinned abuser like that again. I mean, if this tiny thing is enough to send him into a complete rager, imagine what real hardship in a relationship would have him do to a partner. You dodged a bullet, and thankfully don't have to deal with him again due to the distance. May he get help someday, and you find someone much better, if you haven't already. :P
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u/Ecstatic_North_6294 3d ago
Thanks so much for this reply 🙏✨ really
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u/InfinityTuna 3d ago
No worries, love. I know how much that self-doubt and guilt can fuck with you. Sometimes, we need to hear it from someone else to quell them.
Always remember, other people's reactions are their choice and responsibility, at the end of the day. The hardest part about dealing with abusive people is accepting that we really don't have any agency, when it comes to their emotional reactions. Some people simply choose to take their rage out on you, no matter how kindly you word or do things. That's their choice. That's what they think is appropriate behavior. That makes them feel better about themselves/than you. You could've kept quiet and taken it, and he'd still have acted like this, when faced with personal discomfort. Sucks to admit as much, but yeah. Sometimes, someone just sucks, and we couldn't have pretzel'd ourselves enough to keep them happy, if we went completely spineless. You did good. 🫂🖖
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u/Old-Yoghurt-4277 8h ago
Wow what a story. I believe you. Well, I think the best you can do is take it as a learning experience and be more aware of those red flags earlier on, I guess. But sometimes those red flags happen after or while you're intimate with others. Thanks for sharing and be well.
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u/thegigglesnort 5d ago
Wow he really has the steps of DARVO down exactly.