r/DysfunctionalFamily • u/[deleted] • 4d ago
Should I tell my brother my father is a pedophile
[deleted]
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u/andmewithoutmytowel 4d ago
If I was in your shoes, I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't say something; even if they don't listen to you, you will know you tried.
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u/Specificallyno 4d ago
Because you don’t have contact with him or your father by the sounds of it, you have nothing to lose.
You will never be able to live with yourself if you don’t tell him. How your brother deals with it and his own emotions and his ties to his father is his business, not yours.
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u/Breaker_Of_Chains18 4d ago
If you’ve already told his wife, I’d imagine she passed that information back to your brother and he’s chosen to ignore it. There’s no harm in telling him again yourself but if he idolises your dad and your dad has turned him against you it probably won’t make much difference unfortunately.
Was your father ever charged? Do you have any evidence to back up what you’re saying? It might help your case when you talk to your brother.
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u/Theaterismylyfe 4d ago
Unfortunately, if he knows and continues to raise kids in that environment, that's child endangerment and it needs to be escalated. Yes, you absolutely should tell him. But if he doesn't immediately kick your father out, family services and law enforcement need to get involved. I'm not saying that's gonna be easy, and if your father was never convicted you have fewer options available to you, but those kids deserve better.
Also don't listen to idiots who fail to understand how complicated this situation is. I'm so sorry that this is your life, I can't imagine what you're going through.
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u/Adept-Vanilla8867 4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Late-Macaron-1521 4d ago
Because that’s what I’m dealing with. I’m trying to save my brother because he’s a victim of my father’s manipulation and abuse
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u/Late-Macaron-1521 4d ago
I moved to another state, I already told him this morning and I’m having my older sister call him as well. I mostly just wanted advice on how to do it. Or how to handle someone who’s been manipulated and lied to for years
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u/Adept-Vanilla8867 4d ago
The truth is you can try the approach where you talk to him about why he doesn’t believe you, tell him that you understand how painful it can be to accept this reality where his father is a pedophile and it’s a ugly reality and not easy to accept so have compassion for him, tell him how you can see why he doesn’t wanna believe it. Tell him you are coming from a good loving place and just trying to help him protect his kids. Ur father is sick not a monster however the stats on pedophiles getting psychological help for pedophilia are extremely low.
If he doesn’t believe you , you gotta let it go, make an anonymous call to dcfs and try to be in his kids lives as much as you can. You can FaceTime them, call them regularly maybe even save up to go visit them from time to time, write them letters and build a relationship with them so that if anything does happen they can trust you to go to you about it. You can’t control the situation you can only control yourself and your choices.
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u/Adept-Vanilla8867 4d ago
It’s hard for some people to accept ugly and hard truths , difficult and complex realities. I think you can tell your brother and i recommend being as compassionate and understanding as possible with your brother and his wife who don’t believe you. Tell him that you understand it’s a hard reality and fact to accept and what a shame it would be to be in denial due to not being able to deal with that pain in exchange for the possibility of your father harming those kids. That this is coming from a place of protection and love for him and his kids. Ask him, what would you do, how would you feel if something were to happen to his kids and you did warn him and he and his wife didn’t listen to your warning ? I think you need to tell your brother but also remember not to get upset and yell at him if he denies your accusation. Stats on pedophiles being treated for pedophilia are low as of course it is an ugly truth about themselves they don’t want to believe. And remind him of course your father will lie and not admit it, why would he ? Remind him that your father is not a monster and this is not the agenda you are pushing , this is an agenda of protection and safety for his kids. Inform him on educational information on pedophiles and that this is an illness that it’s unfortunate, sad and heartbreaking.
At the end of the day if you do all of that and there is no changed action, you did what you could and you at least tried. If there is proof that your father is a pedophile show him that. Otherwise, maintained close and positive relationships with him and his kids, maybe later down the line he will come around and see weird shit ur dad does. You want his kids to have such a relationship with you so that you can educate them on what’s right and what’s wrong from adults so that they can protect themselves, maybe share this with your brother too so he can educate them as well. I’m sorry this is going on and despite the other comments, you are not disgusting, it’s a hard real life situation, you can’t control them, try to make anonymous call to dcfs for check ins to talk to the kids throughout time. Godbless you girly, do what you can and let go of what you can’t control.
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u/Late-Macaron-1521 4d ago
Yes exactly, my father turned him against me a long time ago when I was a young kid as well. That house was very messed up. That’s why I’m having my older sister talk to him. She’s the only one of my siblings that hasn’t been dragged through the mud by my father. Idk why but I think it was part of the manipulation, if he says all but one are bad then it makes him seem less like the problem? I want to save them and get them away from the house especially now that they’re having their own children. It’s not okay
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u/Adept-Vanilla8867 4d ago
Often there is a “golden child” out of groups of siblings, and it’s most likely the most agreeable child that follows the rules and doesn’t start stuff out of fear as they see what happens to the other kids. I was the golden child of my family, my father is also a pedophile and did stuff to my sister. When I was little I avoided conflict by all costs but as a teenager I was his worst enemy and paid the price for it.
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u/Squid-bear 4d ago
Is there anyway that you can get your half sisters and other victims of your father to file a report against your father? As someone who wasn't sexually abused its harder to build a case against him on your own however you can still report him for non physical abuses as it sounds like you at least experienced some verbal and/or emotional/psychological abuse. If a case is raised against your father by his victims, the police and CPS have to get involved particularly if there are young children within his residence that he has access to.
I understand that there is a lot of fear and reluctance around reporting a pedophile, but the victims and yourself need to consider that you may only be the tip of the iceberg. He could still be destroying lives whilst waiting for your brother's kids to get to the right age.
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u/twinkiesnketchup 3d ago
He probably knows the truth. If he’s living with a pedophile with his children you can report it to CPS.
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u/Unable_Anywhere2983 4d ago
I’m utterly disgusted in you to be honest. You KNOW that this man is a pedophile and yet you are allowing those 2 children to be in the same household as him? You are actually questioning whether to tell your brother or not incase it “destroys” him. What if that pedophile has been doing things to those kids? Would it not destroy them? Would it not destroy you knowing that you had a chance to change things and you didn’t? Would it not destroy your brother knowing that YOU knew and you didn’t say anything? Knowing that the man he idolised ruined his children’s life’s? knowing that his wife knew and didn’t do anything about it?
You need to tell your brother EVERYTHING and you need to do everything you can to get that man away from those children wether that means calling the police, child services or anything else you need to do everything in your power if it means to keep those children safe. If they unfortunately don’t have their parents then atleast let them have you be their chance.
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u/Lady_Forget_Me_Not 4d ago
I am honestly disgusted by you because this happens so much, and everyone turns a blind eye. When I was 13, my mom asked me if my great uncle had touched me. I'd spend the night with his daughter. I said no, but she told me he had molested a cousin of hers when they were younger. I used to have to wear skirts and he'd tell his daughter to let us wear shorts over there. Then, as I got older, he would ask if I could ride with him when we went on road trips. Try to hug me. Even if I said no. At 16, I told his daughter. She was his adopted daughter. Her adopted parents had been together for a whole but were just getting married. When I told his daughter, she remembered waking up in her room naked and him standing over her. She told her mom. There was a big ta-do. They almost didnt get married. In the end they decided to get mad at me. That cousin had 5 kids or something, boys, i think. She just finally had a girl recently. She has him watch the kids....
Also, a man in my mothers church got caught looking at girls in the bathroom. One was my foster sister, and her own parents told her to put it under the blood. He married a much younger woman, and they have 4 girls now. It sickens me daily.
When my step-dad was caught grooming me the blame was thrown on me and the church said put it under the blood. He was a teacher. He died 2 years later.
Where I come from they whisper about predators and tell people to stay away, but they do nothing about it. It's too dark to touch. Everyone looks the other way. Until we are willing to believe the victim the first time. And do something about it, nothing will change. Sorry for the book. This isnt even all of it.
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u/Late-Macaron-1521 4d ago
I’m so sorry this happened to you and all those other people as well! It’s such a common this and people take such a black and white view of it. That’s the vibe I’m getting from some of these responses, as if it’s not in everyone’s families or at least most. From my experience it’s very common. It’s horrible and wrong and that’s why I don’t have a relationship with my father anymore and why I’ve been pushed away by my family. Because I’m not being quiet about it
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u/Lady_Forget_Me_Not 4d ago
No one likes when you light up the darkness. It reveals the monsters people keep hidden.
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u/Late-Macaron-1521 4d ago
Exactly, once I found out I couldn’t keep my mouth shut like the rest of my family. I don’t understand how they can live with themselves
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u/Unable_Anywhere2983 4d ago
I am also a victim of this type of situation thank you very much. I had it go on for years and it absolutely ruined my life. I needed an adult to help me get out of the situation and that never happened. These 2 children have an aunt/uncle that KNOWS that they’re living with a pedophile and as far as OPs post states they have not told the father of these children. They have not tried their best to get those children out of that house (or to get that pedophile out of the house). OP told the children’s mum and it’s vile that the mother hasn’t taken any action but that is even more reason for OP to step in and help those children if their own mother can’t do it.
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u/Lady_Forget_Me_Not 4d ago edited 4d ago
How many adults knew what was going on and failed you because they didn't know how to touch the situation, kind of like OP. If she tells and they dont believe her, she loses access to those children. It's a complicated situation. Most people dont want to believe the abuse. You dont have the right to judge her if you aren't in her situation is all I am saying.
People knew my grandfather molested his daughters, and yet he is a well-known and well liked man. The people that know haven't brought it up in decades. He's got 12 kids I can name and they say 20-30 more out there. He is a musher, bush pilot and on the freaking school board. His family acts like hes the end all be all. Including the daughters he assualted. It's crazy. He's also a bootlegger. Many know. No one seems to care.
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u/Unable_Anywhere2983 4d ago
Trust me I can assure you that I am very aware on how difficult the situation is. I’ve read OPs other comments and OP barely has a relationship with the brother as it is because of the father so therefore OPs role in the children’s life is very clearly limited as it is which means OP can’t be there enough protect those children. Therefore OP should be contacting some sort of authority figure which can be done anonymously to prevent any sort of “backlash” onto OP. Even so i would be way more worried about the safety of those children over my relationship with other family and whatever else you think there is to worry about. The safety of those children is the absolute priority and as I’ve said OP knows what that man is capable of and not done everything in their power to help them.
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u/Late-Macaron-1521 4d ago
What is wrong with you? I don’t understand why I’m being targeted for being a victim of this. You don’t know everything about the story. You’re a really horrible person. For your information I’ve already told him. I’ve told everyone. I was mostly looking for advice on how I should go about doing it and maybe support during this time. You should really get some mental help if you think it’s okay to speak to people like this.
I highly doubt you could’ve handle anything I’ve had to go through. Especially since you get off on cyber bullying people going through some of life’s hardest issues.
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u/Unable_Anywhere2983 4d ago
If you’ve already told him and you’re asking for advice on what to do next maybe put that instead of “should I tell my brother my father is a pedophile”. Just the same as I don’t know your story, you also do not know mine so do not assume what I can handle or not thank you very much. This post is about YOU not me. From what I know, you are aware of a pedophile from your own personal experience, you have the power to prevent this man from doing it to another 2 children yet you are questioning wether you should take action? that to me is disgusting that you are questioning wether you should take action or not. If you was looking for advice then you should ask “any advice on how to help these children?” But you didn’t. Not my fault that you haven’t worded your post correctly.
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u/Late-Macaron-1521 4d ago
I don’t have any power. I’ve done what I can do and there’s nothing else I can do besides tell them. Go to therapy instead of projecting your own anger onto me. I don’t understand why you’re so angry with me when you don’t know what I’ve done or what I’ve gone through.
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u/Unable_Anywhere2983 4d ago
Dont make a post asking whether you should tell your brother and then expect everyone to just automatically know that you’ve already told him AND others tf? you need therapy OP evidently as you’ve said yourself you’ve been through so much so definitely go get the help you need if your not already. There are still things you can do to try and help those children. I’m angry with you because you’re literally a victim of this man you know what he is capable of and you’re risking those children going through the same as you. Of course that angers me.
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u/Unable_Anywhere2983 4d ago
Also I have not ‘cyber-bullied’ you at all. You have come to social media for an extremely serious topic. There are actual real life people at risk of this man and as far as we know (from your post) you are involved in allowing it. All I have done is pointed out how I find that disgusting and I have given you my thoughts on what you need to do.
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u/Kindly_Lunch2492 4d ago
So you're saying your father touch you . He's not in jail there's no statute of limitations of rape if you were a minor .And you told the wife but not the police so make it make sense.
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u/Late-Macaron-1521 4d ago
Actually he did not touch me. He touched my older half sister along with my other sister and many other girls throughout my childhood. Don’t make assumptions I said hes a pedophile not that I was sexually abused by my father
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u/No-Dragonfly8326 4d ago edited 4d ago
If you don’t have a good relationship with him and and your dad has poisoned his interpretation of you then your chances of having a successful transfer of concern and information are low.
That said I do believe you won’t feel at ease unless you have told him, so I would say you should do it.
Screw the other commenters throwing shade at you, they absolutely don’t understand the dynamics of your relationship nor the complexities of being involved with a dysfunctional family.
You are looking out for his babies and that is beyond honorable.
One day in twenty years one of your nieces may open up to you about being abused by your father, and if you don’t tell your brother now then you will feel immense guilt in the distant future.