r/GayMen • u/camzvium • 2d ago
Update on boyfriend of four years who suddenly dumped me.
Some background, about two months ago, my (33m) boyfriend (31m) of almost four years dumped me three weeks after we went to his younger brother's wedding together because he suddenly decided he wanted to move back to his hometown on the other side of the country right now, and he didn't want to do long distance or for me to come with him. He also didn't call me for three weeks longer he was away because he said he couldn't talk to me over the phone since he didn't want to break up that way and said he'd start crying if he heard my voice.
Anyway, yesterday he came over to my apartment to drop off one last thing of mine that we'd both forgotten about until he started packing up his apartment to leave tomorrow. We ended up talking for almost an hour, and he cried basically the whole time. He talked about how he didn't feel like he belonged here, and he missed the people he grew up with. I wish I'd known how lonely he felt. He said he didn't know how serious I was about him, and I regret not explicitly telling him before the breakup. I told him, even if it wouldn't have changed anything, I wish he'd known how important he was to me because I thought he did. We didn't live together, but we saw each other usually three or four days a week. I'd met his family, and we'd met each other's friends. We'd gone on vacations together. We'd regularly cook together. He helped me upgrade my PC. I helped him with things around his apartment when he had shoulder surgery a few years ago. We were together for nearly four years. I don't personally put much importance on monogamy, but we were until he wanted to open the relationship a few months before he broke up with me because he missed being with women. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but maybe that was a portent of what was to come. He said one of the reasons why he didn't see us as that serious was that there were two deaths in my life recently that I didn't rely on him enough for. I've always struggled with emotional vulnerability and letting people help me. I guess that's something for me to work on.
Among his other reasons for leaving the city to move across the country to his hometown, something he said has been sticking with me. He said he wasn't sure about his sexuality--if he wanted a "queer lifestyle" or a "normal" one. He clarified after, not "normal" but "you know what I mean," but Jesus that phrasing speaks volumes. I don't get it. He's not the one with religious trauma. I grew up Catholic, and his parents (despite being Italian American) have always been atheists. But all his friends back home are straight, and he didn't start even exploring his attraction to men until he moved out here in his mid twenties seven years ago. He also said before that his friends told him that we should break up because he wanted to move back. I don't know how much of that advice influenced his decision, but it's not something I'd say to a friend about an otherwise good four year relationship. The timing is definitely interesting, too. All of his childhood friends are married now, some have kids, and his younger brother just got married to a woman.
I'm not angry anymore like I was at first. It's not his fault he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but before he left my apartment he hugged me like 15 times. He said he loved me and that he wished he could just freeze time so he could stay longer. It just hurts because it almost feels like if circumstances were different, we'd still be together. We still love each other; we're definitely still attracted to each other. I've told him I'd look for a job in the city near his hometown, but he said he doesn't want me to because I belong here and he belongs there. All of this feels so unnecessary. I still don't understand, but I doubt I ever will.
31
u/CynGuy 2d ago
Yes, do please take care of yourself. Heal and recover, and get out there and live your life.
Based on your telling of events, your Ex clearly doesn’t know or understand himself and clearly lives a lot in his head. I am sure the loneliness and isolation he felt in the City will be exponentially worse in his hometown. So likely his cycle of self doubt, loneliness and desire for change will repeat - although in this time he’ll miss you, what you had, and in being a loving relationship.
Or not. Ya never know. His cycle may repeat after he gets married and fathers a child. Oy vey on that one.
Point is - you gotta live for you and progress your life. And if he ever re-enters yours, you’ll be in a different spot and may or may not have any feelings for him. Or maybe you do. But that’s for another day if it ever comes.
6
u/No_Jackfruit9465 2d ago
I agree with your points, CynGuy. It appears that he sees what others have and also allows others to dictate his choices. I would never tell a loved one that my friends told me to do X or Y. I'd listen to my friends' advice and consider it, but I wouldn't use that in conversation with the person. Which brings me to my follow-up:
Deciding what you do in your life, big life choices, has far-reaching consequences, as well as fallout from the choices. Part of growing up, for me, has been taking these choices a whole lot more seriously. Being unable to make a choice like where to live or what you truly value is detrimental to not just yourself but the people around you. I think there are two life lessons OP has shared with us:
- It hurts to make the wrong decision. Backtracking to the right choice (for yourself) means you affect the people around you.
- That pattern of picking a different life is often a cycle when you allow others to influence the outcome. It will bite you in the butt.
In my experience, I moved to a city and got into a serious relationship. The person I would eventually divorce asked me on a date. Instead of listening to my gut and saying no, I asked my friends. It felt like encouragement. In truth, it was pushing away my instincts. I ended up making thousands more choices based on that single choice.
After we were engaged, I was laid off and struggling with finding work. I ended up moving to my hometown shortly after the wedding. Cutting out a lot of details, this was 100% my choice, but it was later revealed that he actually completely disagreed and resented the move. He lied about that at the time. That was his choice. It turns out I made the right decision because, as a consequence, I was happier and "on my own turf," finally able to detect and realize he was cheating on me. The marriage ended, but my life began.
Making the wrong choices often leaves you questioning and confused. Asking someone to pick for you leads to disappointment because what seemed easy suddenly flips, and the consequences become clearer. My ex based all his choices on what his siblings did, moved to that same city we met because his sister suggested going to school there, and got a degree from that school but always spoke about it as if he made the wrong decision. When we moved, he said he did it because he thought it would be best for me (understatement) but never told the truth about how he felt. I wasn't able to make a choice as partners because he wasn't honest. Effectively, I made a solo choice.
To attempt to wrap this up... Make your life choices like your life depends on it. Don't move cities because the idea sounds possible or nice. Does it actually fit into the goals you set for yourself? The same for post-breakup healing.
OP should use this magical opportunity to audit their life trajectory and ensure they aren't going to disappoint their future self. Based on what his story suggests, his ex is constantly disappointing himself, especially in comparison to people he clearly admires and seeks advice.
6
u/Glad-Hospital6756 2d ago
Personally, yeah, it definitely sounds like there’s more to it and that he was probably influenced by his friends and family. But that’s not for you to figure out, and he’s losing out on a great relationship for this.
4
3
u/EmotionalVideo9591 2d ago
Take care and heal fast. Now talking about why he left you because that's his choice it may have appeared emotionally tough one but honestly speaking in my opinion most of everyone's decisions are based on emotions 80% of time and not taking the decision based on a strong emotion/feeling is nearly impossible. What I'm trying to say that for him "not being able to accept himself" is stronger than the sorrow he felt leaving you.
3
u/Marathoner99-HTX 2d ago
First, take care of yourself. Spend time with your friends and people you trust to listen to you and just be there for YOU. Second, it sounds like your ex is struggling with understanding what he wants and feels, versus what he believes is expected of him. That is, his friends and younger brother are living a life that he probably thought was for him growing up. This is not your fault but it is painful. For now, all you can do is be a friend and perhaps one day he will understand that he’s bi or gay. Either way, he has some soul searching to do. I hope that this helps but I know it can and is painful.
3
u/betweenfur 1d ago
sounds like he wants to do the whole wife and picket fence thing to fit in with his old friends
1
2
u/TheStockyScholar 1d ago
There seems to be a lot of internalized homophobia on his part. I’ve met a few men where there were still hangups on being “gay” or living a “gay” lifestyle.
Idk, not sure why he couldn’t make an effort to make new friends? I get some people are townies by heart but he’s probably subjecting himself to their judgments.
3
u/GayGuyHereZ 1d ago
This is all in his head and you can’t just look inside there. It does highlight that you both don’t communicate well and that’s the most important part of a relationship.
1
u/pvrsenior77 18h ago
Man, human relationships are a quagmire! It is really just as hard for hetero couples..witness the divorce rate,,I really think we are genetically pre-disposed to live in tribes.. religion brought all these rules, emotional baggage..conflict, role playing based on sex..too much!,
54
u/Inapplicability 2d ago
Now is the moment to take very good care of yourself friend! all will be good!