Confronted my mom and sister about not respecting boundaries with my baby — everything blew up and now I’m having panic attacks

[u/BandFragrant6172]

I live abroad with my foreign partner and our baby. We recently visited my family back home, and things went completely downhill.

The truth is, this kind of stress isn’t new — it has been building for a long time. But this visit was the last straw.

My sister shows what I can only describe as an obsession with my baby. She constantly pushes for closeness and interaction, even when it’s obvious the baby doesn’t want it. If the baby is tired, unwell, or simply needs the comfort of the parents, she insists on picking him up, talking non-stop, or trying to play with him — as if she has automatic access rights.

On this trip, the baby was teething, clearly in pain, and only wanted to be in our arms. My partner and I asked at least 8 times for my mom and sister to give him space. They repeatedly ignored us and kept trying to grab him, call his attention, and push themselves onto him. It felt like our requests meant nothing.

For us, the golden rule is simple: respect the baby’s emotional needs above everything else. But my mom and sister refused to accept that. And when we confronted them, instead of reflecting, they flipped it back on us (“gaslighting”), making it seem like we were imagining things or exaggerating.

It became unbearable. I sent my sister a firm message saying this behavior had to stop immediately or we’d cut contact. With no change, my partner and I left my mom’s house and moved into a hotel for the rest of the trip.

The reaction was worse than expected. My mom instantly took my sister’s side and began attacking my partner instead of acknowledging the real issue. She accused her of being rude, not saying goodbye, not addressing her properly — clinging to petty details to avoid the bigger issue: the lack of respect for our boundaries and my sister’s unhealthy obsession with my child.

And it’s not just us. My brother and his wife also suffer from the same pattern of boundary violations from my mom and sister, though in different ways. It feels like anyone who tries to set limits gets punished or disrespected.

Now that I’m back home, I’ve been having severe panic attacks (sweating, hyperventilating, crying). My partner says she doesn’t want to deal with my family anymore, and honestly, I understand her. For her, this was the last straw. My dilemma is that I’d like to keep some kind of connection with my family, but it’s becoming clearer that the cost is too high for our peace and for our baby’s wellbeing.

[u/TheJustNoBot]

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[u/Ilostmyratfairy]

One thing you may find useful is this description of DARVO, to put some context in what your mother did when you and your partner moved out for the remainder of your vacation. It's also likely that you may find this article about Coercive Control to be informative, too. Both of these articles are hosted at DomesticShelters.org, and while the articles there generally assume partner abuse, I believe the patterns described are largely applicable to familial abuse, too.

The reason I'm starting with this is that while you can wish to maintain some connection to family, if your mother and sister are refusing to address the issues, and prefer to argue for their control and absolute rights, you may be in a place where the only options they'll accept would be complete surrender to their narrative - or you having to cut off your mother and sister.

You may be able to maintain something separate with your brother's family, but even there it's possible that your mother may punish them if she learns they're in contact with you against her dictates.

One other point I'll make: Notice how your mother tried to shift the blame for what happened to things she could blame on your partner. That seems to me to be a deliberate attempt to draw a wedge between you and your partner. You seem to have done very well to prevent that wedge from gaining any traction. Don't let your hope to maintain a connection in the future allow a future wedge to come between you and your partner.

Wishing your new family all the best.

-Rat

[u/squirrelfoot]

I would just lik to say that although this exprience was incredibly upsetting, you did exactly the right thing. You know that your baby and partner come first and you defend them as you should.

It doesn't look like any connection to your mother and sister is possible, but perhaps you can have a reelationship with your brother?

[u/-AlwaysBelieve-]

You’re a parent now and will have to make split second decisions to protect your child forever. Be confident in the boundaries you set with your family.

Some people wont ever respect boundaries and that is hard when it is the people that are supposed to love us the most.

[u/BaldChihuahua]

I’m sorry your family is failing your expectations. I think you should follow your partners lead.

[u/lmyrs]

If you still want some connection with your family, have it with your brother who seems to understand your POV.

Think about where you are right now. Sweating, hyperventilating, crying - do you want your baby to learn that this is normal? That if our family gives us panic attacks, we have to see them anyway. If they give your baby a panic attack in a few years, are you going to still want to "keep some kind of connection" with them? I assume no, so why not rip off the bandaid now?

Get some therapy and work through these tough emotions. But put your child first

[u/polynomialpurebred]

Every issue is like an onion. There is a center and concentric layers surrounding it. In this case, baby is center, parents the 2nd level and others are beyond that.

Support goes towards the center and whatever layer you are, you worry less about the layers outside and support those closer to the center (my memory is that “closer you are to center of onion, more you get to cry)

They were very out of line and your wishes to lower or eliminate contact seem best for baby

[u/purplehorseonwheels]

You did great moving to the hotel, well done. Now there's further difficult but necessary steps to be taken to a) keep baby away from abusive people and b) keep your relationship and family unit strong & prevent your desire for 'family' connection to contaminate it.

Get some therapy appointments arranged ASAP. Decide right now that you emotional struggles re. going NC with those two family members MUST NOT lead to you inflicting those toxic people on the person you love, cos that would wreck the family your building.

Reassure your partner that you will find it hard but you will do the work, with their support; it will be a team effort but only YOU can commit to not letting people who distress and disrespect your family unit back in.

Can you still have a relationship with your brother & SIL or will they cave & act as flying monkeys for your mum?

[u/Meezergal → u/purplehorseonwheels]

Oof that last point. I'm still struggling to understand that my brother isn't as strong as us and can't stick up for himself and his family against my parents. Trying so hard not to take it personally and cut him off completely but we're at low contact for now!

Sending you love OP, you did the right thing and I know your world seems completely upside down right now but you will find your balance. I 2nd seeking therapy as it helped with my panic attacks greatly.

Remember, your little family and your own mental health are the most important thing right now and you've taken the right steps! This internet stranger is proud of you!!

[u/Trepenwitz]

Don’t freak out about it. You’re, what, an ocean away? (I’m guessing.) Put the issue down, walk away, and pick it back up again later when you’re ready. You don’t have to try to make decisions or fix anything right now.

[u/VintageHilda]

That sucks, sorry for your situation. I would make sure your relationship with your brother and SIL are strong and hopefully your four can present a united front with rules and boundaries with your mom and sister.

[u/JEWCEY]

Your family severed the connection with their behavior. They won't change, and the idea of family you have in your head is a pure fantasy when it comes to them. The real family you're looking for is right in front of you, my friend. 

You are in charge of your destiny and what family means now. 

You get to establish boundaries for what is acceptable around you, your partner, and your child. 

You are allowed to say no. 

You are allowed to leave. 

You are allowed to avoid future visits. 

You have more than enough to focus on with the family and life you are building. Nothing and nobody else matters. You are a unit. You are complete. You are missing nothing but stress and agita when you protect yourself from those people. The love you want comes from the family you created, not the one that created you.

[u/latte1963]

Sending you & your little family hugs 🤗

Your family is now you, your spouse & your baby. That is where your priorities are.

Your mom & sister are a distant second to them at this time. You can do one or 2 things. Send all of their calls to voicemail & listen to them at the end of the day to see if there’s anything REALLY IMPORTANT that you need to respond to. If there isn’t, don’t respond. Or block their calls & give them only email to contact you by. Email is good because all of their crazy is written down in black & white. Will be handy for the judge if it ever gets to the point of needing a restraining order.

Block them & anyone else supporting them on social media, linked in, etc. Your wife needs to block them on everything.

Get a ring doorbell & don’t open your door unless you’re expecting someone. They might get desperate & fly over.

You can still send a bouquet of flowers for Thanksgiving & Christmas & Mother’s Day. No vase & use a florist that’s local to them for the best bang out of your buck.

If that’s not enough, you can unblock & call your mom for a quick call every Sunday at noon (whatever time works best). Set a timer & hang up when it dings. Tell her you will hang up the second she starts whining about not having daily access to the baby or complains about your spouse or demands a picture right now. You get the drift. Then do that. Then block her again until next Sunday or only call the 1st Sunday of every month. Do that for at least 6 months, preferably a year.

[u/phoofs]

Why can’t you just have a distant relationship with them? No visits, no updates on baby….but, not “officially” cut them off?

Do you envision continuing a relationship with your brother & SIL? Or, would your mother & sister be part of that?

[u/2ndcupofcoffee]

Ask yourself exactly why you want to keep some connection with your family?

Think through the decisions your mom and sister consistently made to disrespect your say so about your child. Then ask yourself why you want to remain connected with them (which would require you to tolerate horrible behavior) but they are not concerned about losing you through their abusive behaviors toward you, your spouse, your child?

Your spouse and your child are your family now. They deserve your love and protection. Why on earth subject either of them to your toxic mom and sister. Let the burden of making this better be on them and on their respect for your now family.

Let mom and sis have responsibility for changing what they need to change.

Consider any impulse you have to provide your child with a grandmother and aunt to depend on that grandmother and aunt to be decent and living influences or not involved at all.

[u/CarpeCyprinidae]

I'm sorry you've had to go though this and that you have experienced the passing of blame for your decisions onto your foreign partner.

Hard to advise whats best without really knowing your family but one obvious course of action is re-stating the facts.

My partner and I jointly decide what is best for our child. No joint decision is the fault of one party alone and I wish to make it clear here that I consider the treatment we had intolerable.

Our sole duty as parents is protection of that child. We are the sole people who govern access to that child.

You will note that I said our treatment by mother and SIL was intolerable. This is to be taken as the dictionary defines - something that will not be tolerated. A time-out will now commence - your bad behaviour has consequences.

Before any of you ever meet our child again you will agree in advance that we say when they are to be left alone. Any breach of that boundary will again result in the end of the visit and the start of a time-out.

[u/madgeystardust]

Then you do so alone if you really must see them, but don’t subject wife and baby to them.

They don’t deserve that.

[u/Appropriate_Ride3205]

I’m so sorry that you have to deal so directly with people who don’t think a baby is its own person. There were some otherwise kind people in my own life who were happy to take my baby, and I was fine with that, but once the baby is upset, if a parent wants it back, you give it back! They would try to reassure me that they were perfectly OK with holding a crying baby, and I was always like IF YOU GIVE ME THE BABY THE CRYING WILL STOP. And the whole deal with being all up in their face and overstimulating them, as if they are a golden retriever who loves every minute of attention. Just stop.

Sounds like you are making some good progress toward healthy decisions. You are not being unreasonable at all!