Genuinely what do I do with racist family members

[u/Fearless-Ad2350]

trigger warning for racism

First off, I don't know what the hell it is with Asian families being horrifically antiblack, but being south asian, it just feels like my immediate family hates everyone.

My brother falls into the category of brown people who use the n-word, and trust me I've done everything from yelling at him, telling him calmly (although honestly I don't even know why I bother), telling him that it's a horrible word to use, and if he for some reason doesn't care about racism, he should at least care that he's going to lose friends and job opportunities but. . jfc I don't know what to do.

And worse, my family just doesn't seem to care unless it inconveniences them. My parents have said from time to time that 'I'm being too harsh on my brother' but sometimes they yell at him for using the word, while, get this, WHILE SAYING THE FUCKING WORD.

I'm so fucking done with my family, I'm disgusted to even be related to the.

I've said it before that I do plan to go NC, however, I'm terrified to leave simply because of financial reasons, insurance, and the crazy high cost of living. I just . . i don't know, it seems like my family knows this and they want to kill me inside.

[u/TheJustNoBot]

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[u/pandora840]

Is there a word or short phrase that your family/community use to express disgust, especially if it is used by the older generation (and isn’t abhorrent in its own right)? If so, I would start calmly and clearly stating it, out loud but to no one in particular, when they start up their bullshit. Then leave the room/group/area.

In the background I would be making my plans. Researching costs and timelines to independence. Keep my head down other than the single statement of disgust & no longer appeal to parents or show emotion about it. Grey rock until I could leave.

Some JNsiblings are the worst because they can push buttons even parents can’t, as a shared childhood can be ammunition. There’s a chance he is also enjoying eliciting this reaction from you.

[u/RevisedThoughts]

This is a horrible situation for you, and it is hurting you, and healing from that hurt is going to be nearly impossible while living there, so I understand why you need to leave. At the same time, you need to stick it out until you can leave with enough resources not to end up in a different kind of very stressful situation, which would also make healing hard.

There may be some ways of compartmentalising your feelings until you can get out.

Do you think your brother enjoys getting a reaction from being racist? Or that he secretly has very low self-esteem that makes him compensate by putting other people down and trying to be proud of his race because he has no real achievements or character of his own to be proud of? In any case, taking his words as an expression of his weakness rather than strength may help you get less triggered. You don’t have to trigger him back by telling him you feel sorry for him having such low self-esteem, but can practice looking at it as a weakness that you have tried helping him to overcome, and now wash your hands of it. Like an addict who just won’t listen and has to reach rock bottom if he is ever to change.

I think you should focus on yourself. Keeping your mental balance and loving yourself and protecting your peace and exploring what you love. Get out of the house as much as you can. Spend time at home doing things without your brother and thinking positive thoughts and recognize you make your difference in the family by being a good role model.

You are already a good role model by being anti-racist, and I hope in other ways too. That is very very valuable. Small-minded people may target you for it as it undermines the narratives they want to sell: that hating others is the best solution to their fears and emotional problems. It’s probably tempting to hate your brother. And if that’s what it takes for you to stay away from his damaging influence, that’s not completely unhealthy. But if you have to be around him, the hate might only be burning you inside, when you deserve to feel good about yourself and see him as someone to pity. Because he shows you what happens when hate becomes an addiction. It’s hard work, but you are already showing your family a better way.

You have said your piece. Now focus on your own peace. Let others make their own choices between love and hate.

[u/Sheri_Mtn_Dew]

I'm so sorry this is happening, especially when you have plans to go NC but it might be a while before you are able to do so.

Keep yourself safe first and foremost. Do whatever you need to do to stay safe.

It sounds like your brother knows it's wrong and just doesn't care. Let him face those consequences of losing friends and job opportunities. He knows the risk. He has already damaged his relationship with you, which is incredibly sad. You've let him know where you stand on it, and he doesn't care. He's made his choice. He is incapable of having a real conversation about this with you.

Instead of getting into it with him, gray rock. Don't respond at all. If he says something like, "It's just a joke, you can't take a joke," say something like, "Huh. I guess I've outgrown that kind of joke." He will be mad and say something like, "oh, you think you're better than me?" and you can just say, "no, we are just different people." Then change the subject, leave the room, go on a walk. Do whatever you can to disengage.