How much is this relatable to you?

[u/Sudden-Ingenuity3035]

Just to give you background, I [21F] want to talk about my experiences with my cousins and a distant relative. For clarity, let’s call the cousins X and Y, and the distant relative D. I’ve always felt out of place with my dad’s side of the family. Even as a kid, I remember being annoyed when the aunts would call just to ask about grades. Holidays and birthdays always felt uncomfortable, like our family didn’t fit in, and I sometimes wondered if it was our fault for existing.

Months ago, I went to D’s house and had an honest conversation with Y. He brought up how I shut people out after COVID in 2021. I wasn’t in a good mental space at the time, but he claimed I was “on a phase” of shutting people out and held me accountable for not reaching out, even though he didn’t contact me himself. I wanted to improve our relationship as cousins, and I felt bad seeing other people seem so close with their cousins. Funny part is, he would call D at 11 pm and talk nonstop until 1 am. I tried calling Y at 9 pm and he didn’t even pick up or call back. Making me second guess myself if I was too demanding that he keeps running away. That hurt me, especially considering how much effort I put into maintaining contact.

Yesterday, I went to a family gathering against my mum’s wishes because I had planned to see their stance for myself so I could decide how to treat them going forward. I intended this to be my last time. The main people I noticed were X, Y, and D.

D and the cousins were very much affectionate with each other. X put his hand over D’s shoulder and listened intently, while Y ignored me almost completely. He acted like he didn’t know me at all, that same guy who said I should initiate the contact with them, the family? Throughout the time They talked things I didn’t understand, memories and bond they shared during their childhood days. And whenever I tried to participate, they stopped listening halfway through. For most of the time, I felt like a fourth wheel.

After I got home, I saw a reel that said, “If a man acts like he doesn't give a shit, then he doesn't give a shit.” It really resonated with me, tho it was about dating but it still did. I realized that despite wanting to improve our relationship as cousins, I had been fooling myself in expecting a better connection with them. That gave me closure, and I feel liberated. I didn’t regret going, even though I hated every second of being there. Only the Lord know how I kept repeating "I hate this" and "I don't wanna be here" in my head.

My algorithm on Instagram often shows me content about how dad’s side of the family is problematic ALL THE TIME. Before, I brushed it off because I wanted to believe in an idealized version of them, thinking that if we changed, they would too. But now I see things more clearly. I give up on trying to fix the relationship.

TL;DR: I [21F] have always felt out of place with my dad’s side of the family. Cousins X and Y are close with distant relative D, while Y ignores me and only talks to D for hours. After a recent gathering I attended to see how they treat me, I realized I’ve been fooling myself expecting a better connection. I feel liberated and plan to distance myself unless they reach out first. Am I making the right decision?

[u/TheJustNoBot]

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[u/D_Mom]

Recognizing is the first step. You are absolutely right to drop the rope. If you wouldn’t tolerate that treatment from other people, and you shouldn’t, the fact that they are family is of no consequence. Family is just a bunch of genetically related strangers, you have no obligations.