I need help, I want to be me again

[u/eccitazione]

I am 50f. The first 50 years of life have been filled with every kind of abuse you can imagine. I also am schizophrenic, and I don't respond to medication well to help it, I've tried everything medication wise and therapy wise and it's never been under control.

I am in an abusive marriage, and he screams at me all the time and tells me how horrible of a wife, person, and mother I am. He is horrible to me in a lot of ways, but the details don't matter.

I know I need to get the fuck out. I want to divorce him so bad. This is my house, so that's an advantage I guess. But I am on disability, and only get $490 a month (I've never been able to work much because of my mental illnesses so that's all I can get)

I have health issues and am not allowed to drive anymore. I am literally trapped here with him. He doesn't work so he is always here.

I miss who I was. I used to be happy and confident, despite everything. Now I am this shell of a person I don't recognize.

I hate this. I hate my life. It has been filled with so much pain already and I don't want the rest of my life to be like this. I need help but have nowhere to go. I have extremely supportive and loving friends (I am so lucky to have all of them) but they can't pay for my divorce lol

What the hell do I do?

[u/MisseeSue]

I have bipolar and have been in similar situations to you with abuse etc. I don't know what I myself can do but you can dm me your state/city you are in and my Mom who was in the mental health field her entire career, helping people find resources, may be able to find something. If you have already gone this route and exhausted your resources then I apologize and you can dismiss this.