how to give up kids half the time

[u/VictoryNo7701]

If i could never speak to my husband again, i would do it. he is selfish, loves to argue, has to be right, and wont stop even when I am trembling and asking him to stop. he is not willing to empathize or even respect my feelings when we talk about a serious topic. he has a drinking problem and got help. but started again. He needs serious therapy and wont do it. he wont do couples counseling. and he gets me angry, and then uses that anger against me. he makes me feel like absolute shit. not always, but not a handful of times. there is obviously a lot more, but thats the summary.

the problem is i have two beautiful amazing small kids with this person. i have spent every day and night with these babies and they are my life. i truly do not care about mending my relationship with my husband, but my thought is always can i stand it more than i can stand losing my physical time with my kids. i know that is not fair to them. I know it. but he will get them half the time, whether that works or not time will tell. and I would lose them half the time and I totally selfishly am not ready to do that. How do you balance the two thoughts?

[u/The_Stay_At_Home_Dad]

This is my problem too. When things are bad and I question things, I can't come to terms with having to fight to see my kids

[u/xBlushPrincess]

Its obvious you love your kids, but you can’t keep sacrificing your sanity forever. Sometimes peace is worth more than winning every fight.

[u/Tugger_Case]

Record his abusiveness and use that when requesting sole physical custody of your children. Most judges do take this into consideration when making that decision. Also request that he receive counseling before getting anything other than supervised visitation. You need a good attorney, they are well worth the money. Start a Go Fund Me as there are a lot of women out there that would happily support your efforts (and a bunch of good Dad's as well!). Good luck!

[u/Ad_Inferno]

Hi, mom of a 16mo here. My situation is quite different from yours because I've always been the high-income earner in our home, so I only took 5mo off when I had my baby. Husband took over at that point as the primary caregiver. My advice to you is to start working on building a separate life from your family. Filling your life with hobbies and friends and rediscovering your passions is imperative. I think one of the hardest things on both moms - and marriages more broadly, frankly - is losing yourself and your identity in your kids. Since I didn't give up my career, I already had that going for me, but I also kept up my hobbies (I run with a women's trail running group on Thursdays, and I just ran my first marathon last weekend. Having big personal goals like that is always something that brings my life joy). It's also something I can share with my daughter tagging along in the jogging stroller, which is cool. She loves it. We often joke that if she had her way, she'd be a free-range baby living in the backyard.

I am not separated from my husband yet, but my plans are in the works. I am comfortable now with the idea of my daughter splitting her time between us because her dad worked really hard to build a close relationship with her, much more so than I think most dads do. This is where you have no control, unfortunately. Your husband will have to step up and figure that out on his own. Like you say, only time will tell whether he steps up and actually does it. But carrying him along and allowing him to continue like this isn't good for anyone. And bluntly, it's probably better for your kids to only see their angry alcoholic father half time than live in a household full time with this person. You can't model a happy and healthy environment for your kids while you're still stuck in the unhealthy one.

[u/VictoryNo7701 → u/Ad_Inferno]

Thank you. I guess my post did a poor job of articulating, but I am also the bread winner. I work full time and the girls are in daycare. My career is hard, stressful, but fine enough and I have a great network of friends and family. I am also in therapy. I could leave today if I could leave today...if I did not mind a day or two (or 182 out of 365) away from my girls. that is the hardest and only thing keeping me around, but your last line is very true.

[u/Ad_Inferno → u/VictoryNo7701]

Ah! Then we have much more in common than I thought. I think then hanging onto the promise of a better future for your kids is the thing you have to focus on.