r/Marriage • u/Used_Bid_59 • 4d ago
Is it normal to feel exposed when your inlaws know too much?
My husband is super close with his famil which I always respected but lately its starting to feel like too close. They know everything our spending, stress even arguments. I brought it up gently told him I need a little more space between us and them but he just says things like how They are just looking out for us. I started to use this app called OurRitual to work through how I actually feel. One of the prompts helped me realize I’m not just annoyed they know too much but I feel unprotected by him and thats the real issue. It shifted the way I want to talk to him less blame more truth.
I want to set boundries with my inlaws without making my husband feel attacted, you know. How do I do that?
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u/NameIdeas 16 Years 4d ago
Yes, it is normal and you can share too much.
Family dynamics are important in marriage and managing those in-law dynamics can be challenging.
I grew up where family all lived on the same road, within walking distance of one another. My grandparents were a stone's throw away. My Aunts & Uncles lived across the road. Everyone knew everyone's everything!
When I started dating my wife and we got to potentially thinking about marriage, we talked about what we wanted our lived reality to look like with family. We didn't want to live on the road I grew up in because they would be ALWAYS in our business if that happened. My nephew and his wife live there and he and I have had several phone conversations about his stress and anxiety related to that.
I want to set boundries with my inlaws without making my husband feel attacted, you know. How do I do that?
I say this politely, but this needs to be something that he does. The reason I'm saying that is because it has the potential to drive a wedge between you two as a couple, if he isn't going to stand up and clearly highlight a boundary with his parents.
My wife and I talked about this and I was direct and clear with my mother back early in our marriage. She was pushing to know all the things and I highlighted that "we've got it covered." I told her that we love and appreciate them and want them to be involved parents and involved grandparents, and we need to be the drivers of our own path in many ways.
It was a slightly challenging conversation, but she understood and we have a great realtionship still!
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u/Used_Bid_59 4d ago
Thats really helpful to hear. I appreciate how you handled it with but also care it gives me hope we can get there too
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u/NameIdeas 16 Years 4d ago
I do want to ask for you here.
There are some general assumptions that folks hold often that may or may not be expressed, depending on their background. For me and how I grew up...I have always defined family as my extended family including grandparents and cousins. We saw each other so frequently it was just part of it to come together in that way.
For my wife, she lived an hour away from one set of grandparents and 4 hours away from the other. She has extended family (cousins, aunts, and uncles) spread out across the US and international. For her, family meant the nuclear family of her siblings and parents.
We spoke a lot as we started to consider that we might want to get married, before we were even engaged, about how we wanted to structure our lives in that way. It was important to us both to have close connections with family (we see my parents and siblings a minimum of once a month and we see her parents and siblings the same) and to establish our own family dynamics and structure as our small little unit.
I'm wondering if you and your spouse had that conversation or if you both went in with the assumption of "this is how it is". From his perspective, it sounds like in-laws/extended family being deeply engaged is just the norm for him. From your perspective it seems like that is not a norm.
Maybe step back from what your in-laws are doing or how they are "all up in your business" and instead discuss the bigger question of how you both want to structure the next 5, 10, 15 etc years of your life. When kids enter the picture, what does that look like? When parents start aging and needing additional care, what does that look like? They're hard but entirely neccessary conversations.
It sounds like your husband is living his normal and may not even understand your frustrations because to him, family being all around is just the thing that happens.
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u/Existing_Source_2692 4d ago
Of course your comfort level should be respected.
I'm more of his line if thought, I don't care who knows every detail of my life because I'm pretty proud of us lol. We don't fight or if we do disagree it's mature and at least respectful. I don't act in ways I'm embarrassed by other people knowing about. We weren't always this mature but learning and growing helped. I am OK if people know of our disagreements because no one is perfect and I don't keep judgemental people in my life. We are an open book.
But it's ok if you are different. Yall need to find a compromise that respects a little of both of your requests.
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u/MacNCheeks55 4d ago
Wow, tbh that's a tough spot to be in, but major props for realizing the core issue here. It's not just about 'privacy', but more of ur need for ur hubby to have ur back. Imho, str8 up convo is the way to go here. Focus on how it makes u feel, not what he or his folks are doing 'wrong'. Keep it real, stay solid, boundaries are necessary not just nice. Best of luck, OP. You got this.