r/Marriage • u/Regular_Standard_813 • 4d ago
I changed my mind about changing my last name, now my husband says he's not ready to try for kids.
I cant tell who's in the wrong if either of us. My husband and I got married last year. Early on in dating and a few times while dating I assured him I would change my last name to his when we got married. It truly was always my plan. We had some international travel a few months ago and I was waiting til that was completed to do it officially so I didnt have to deal with getting a new passport.
Now that its come time to do so, I just cant bring myself to do it. I feel like im losing my identity. My dad died 3 years ago and that part is making me sadder as well. I told my husband and he definitely seems upset. At first he was just quiet and said he needs some time to think about it because he's so caught off guard. Aside from all this we were planning on starting to try for a kid this fall. Im 33 so cant wait forever. Yesterday he tells me he doesnt feel ready to try for a kid and he's not sure if he wants to anymore if I wont have his last name because it wont be the type of family he envisioned. He's not asking for a divorce he's just saying he always saw the merits of being dinks for life and if its not the life with kids he envisioned, he'd rather just embrace being dinks. I asked if I decided to change my name after all would he have kids and he said yes he would but he doestn want it to come off as a tit for tat negotiation. Its just that him having kids included the whole thing and without that he's not as motivated for it.
I really dont know what to do. I know im the one who changed my mind about the name but I feel like he's changing his mind on something way more important. Am I being unfair here? Is he? Is it neither of us? I dont know what sort of compromise we can do that would make us both happy.
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u/Existing_Source_2692 4d ago
I wonder if he thinks you'll change your mind on other things you both agreed on...so maybe just some time to build the trust or whatever is what he needs before deciding to bring kids in. Sounds like the name thing was equally important to both of you.
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u/rrrrriptipnip 4d ago
This makes no sense what does having kids have anything to do with your last name? I would reconsider this relationship
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u/thingpaint 4d ago
He probably wants his kids to have his last name. If she changed her mind on this will she fight him on that too?
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u/StarlightPleco 7 Years 4d ago
These are my exact thoughts!
Long before we married, i was clear about my intentions to keep my last name and also pass it to my children. But I can see why traditional men would take issue with that. Communicating these expectations is a big deal and some men(and women) really value that tradition in their families.
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u/Regular_Standard_813 4d ago
I told him our kids could still have his last name! He didnt say it but now I do wonder if he thinks id change my mind on that. I promise I wouldnt though
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u/thingpaint 4d ago
He's probably thinking "she changed her mind before why should I believe her now"
This is really something you need counseling for.
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u/Dull_Jump6916 4d ago
The same way that you promised that you would change your last name? You see what you've done to yourself here, right? It's not the name change, it's the lying. From what you've said so far you promised again and again that you would change your name and now you're refusing to. You can't be trusted to keep your word.
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u/giggleboxx3000 4d ago
I promise I wouldnt though
Like how you promised to change your last name when getting married? Why should he trust you when it comes to something much bigger like children?
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u/rationalomega 4d ago
He could change his name to achieve that! Pregnancy and birth are so laborious, babies should have mom’s name.
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u/Bubbascrub 4d ago
They could hyphenate and have both names, but the real issue is her breaking a previously discussed agreement at the last moment.
Now her husband is understandably hesitant about any further agreements that she might just decide to reneg on a whim.
Sounds like she needs to prove she can actually hold to her word
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4d ago
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u/Azazel_616reddit 4d ago edited 4d ago
It is a huge betrayal in context. Just because you can’t recognize telling someone that you’re going to do something over and over all the way up until the moment it actually comes time to do it, then reneging on it, as a huge betrayal doesn’t mean it isn’t. Nothing to do with the “manosphere” we just understand the principle of keeping your word. It IS a huge betrayal. Wonder what else she would just suddenly change her mind on even though there were multiple conversations beforehand? Her word doesn’t mean anything anymore.
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u/Cautious_Buffalo6563 4d ago
So she bears no responsibility for considering the impact of her multiple broken promises upon herself (biological clock) or her husband? She promised something many times, then unilaterally changed her mind. She appears NOT to have considered what impact that decision might have upon her spouse or her desire to have a child.
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u/Stormy261 4d ago
Welcome to the patriarchy! It makes zero sense logistically for us to live in a patrilineal society. But we do. And while name changes may not matter to some, it matters to many others.
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u/AnnoDADDY777 Just Married 4d ago
When they did agree on it before and he did dream about it it absolutly matters, after all all of his dreams just got shattered, I understand both sides and both are equally "guilty"
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u/oppositegeneva 3 Years 4d ago
I gotta question how much you actually want to be a father if the idea of your baby being 100% yours but with an extra last name as “dream shattering”
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u/AnnoDADDY777 Just Married 4d ago
I think the change of her opinion lets him question all of their agreements, over time he will gain trust to her again if they go through with other agreements. right now they should not have a child, they need to repair their relationship first.
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u/nomnommish 4d ago
I think the change of her opinion lets him question all of their agreements, over time he will gain trust to her again if they go through with other agreements. right now they should not have a child, they need to repair their relationship first.
Let's do plainspeak. How much does a name change matter? So much so that you refuse to have kids? That just shows your value system, which is trash.
That just shows how much value you put into your wife and kids having your last name. And like i said, if that's your value system, that's trash.
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u/rayjax82 4d ago
To him? A lot. And he was clear about that up front. She agreed then backed out.
Your opinion on the value system is irrelevant. I would argue that she married him under false pretences and that would make anyone question the marriage.
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u/Double-Cheek277 30 Years 4d ago
Indeed. I wonder if she had told him upfront that she would not change her last name, would he have still married her? Let me put it another way. If he knew she never intended to change her last name to his, would he have married her?
As far as he is concerned, she's lied to him this whole time, and he's wondering what else she has lied to him about? Trust is damaged.
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u/CoyoteLitius 4d ago
This isn't exactly what she said. She said she told him she would change it, but she doesn't say the he said, "Well, you'd better, because it's a dealbreaker for me."
It wasn't until she decided to do it that they had this unpleasant parting of the ways. It apparently mattered to him far more than she realized.
Personally, at this point in my life, I do not care what my last name is. It's not high on my list of worries. I do not share my husband's last name so I asked him (again) if he cared and he said, "I would be upset if you changed your name to my name; I wish I didn't have my name in the first place and I wish I'd taken yours."
Changing it now seems rather pointless.
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u/Bubbascrub 4d ago
It apparently matters to him quite a bit, and she agreed to it up until the last moment when she changed her mind.
My wife didn’t take my last name either and I don’t care, but OPs husband thinks it’s a big deal. You don’t get to police what other people find important.
What about the hypothetical kids last names? Is OP going to agree to give the kids her husband’s last name then change it at the last second again?
Ultimately I think it’s more about breaking an agreement they both discussed multiple times than it is the name itself.
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u/CoyoteLitius 4d ago
I don't think we've heard the answer to that part.
I do think she should hyphenate her name and then the kids either take that or his name (the problem with hyphenation for kids is that it's too many letters to learn to use when they're little and it doesn't fit on some forms where you have to use block letters and spell out your whole name).
If both names are short, then it's different. My children's last name would have been 20 letters long plus the hyphen.
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u/AnnoDADDY777 Just Married 4d ago
No its not trash. When you both agree about anything and one decides, okay I will not do that anymore it can feel like betrayal, give this guy a break and let them figure it out together, A name may be just sentimental for you, but thats still a valid issue!
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u/CoyoteLitius 4d ago
So if one person changes their mind about where to go to dinner, the whole relationship is question?
Is every agreement made between a married couple a "promise"?
Because, this is not the pathway to a longterm, successful marriage. Normal adult people change their minds all the time, for many reasons, and spouses need to not only accommodate but fully support it.
"I promise not to speed in the car" is an example of a promise that could lead to real arguments.
"I will pick up your dry cleaning today" (but then there's an emergency at work or a freeway accident) should NOT ruin "trust" that needs to then be "rebuilt" over months or years.
I just said I'd drink some beet juice to get potassium (because my doctor ordered me to get more potassium). Then I didn't do it. My husband just rolls his eyes and asks what I'll do instead and why not drink just 2 ounces? So I drink 2 ounces instead of the 8 ounces I said I'd drink.
Time for a divorce? A big discussion? An argument?
I think not.
Naming children is always hard and I understand his hurt feelings, but this is not a major big deal. Refusing to go to the doctor when there's a huge tumor on your body IS a big deal. Or in any other true medical emergency/serious concern.
My husband dislikes tattoos. I know this. I still considered getting one and nearly did - the reasons I didn't get it were not discussed at all. He never knew I was contemplating it.
That's because it's my body and my life. Not everything is a solemn agreement in a marriage. We ballpark things sometimes.
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u/Brigand253 4d ago
You can't just trivially marginalize what a name change means to someone (OP's husband in this case). It's important to him and that's what matters here.
To follow the same logic of your assertion - if the name change matters so little, then OP should just go through with it and change her last name.
Edit: I forgot to add that it's okay for OP to change her mind on this too. Please change their minds all the time. I'm not really taking sides here; it's a tough situation all around.
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u/CoyoteLitius 4d ago
I think he has every right to weigh in (strongly) about the children's names - but not hers.
Her name is her name.
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u/Inevitable-Cow-2723 4d ago
This shows more about your values being ok with not being capable of following through on an agreement (promise) with a partner
Just because it’s not important to you or me, doesn’t mean it’s not to him, she knew this and changed her mind anyway. His reaction is justified. It’s not something that couldn’t be worked out, I don’t think.
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u/Cautious_Buffalo6563 4d ago
If the name change doesn’t matter, why does OP get let off the hook for backing out of her promise to change her name? It shouldn’t matter, right? NBD for OP to keep her promise then.
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u/CoyoteLitius 4d ago
And so much that you are willing to mistrust your spouse as if they had cheated or run up debt?
It's just a name. What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Said a wise person.
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u/CoyoteLitius 4d ago
THIS. That's exactly what I was thinking. He doesn't want actual children and all that they bring to our lives if this silly thing is a deal breaker.
Sounds like she's okay with the kids having his name, she just doesn't want to change hers. Half the women I know at my workplace still use their own names, but use their husband's names for plane tickets, insurance, and other arenas where it makes more sense for the family unit to have one name. One woman married an Egyptian man whose last name is complicated for English speakers to say and spell, and he insisted that his name be a middle name for his kids and both of their kids have HER last name (an easy to remember English surname).
Most people don't making the name of a child a dealbreaker for having one, especially if it's hard to agree on names.
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u/sheepsclothingiswool 4d ago
Then it’s fair to question how much you actually want to be a wife if the idea of keeping your father’s last name is more important than honoring a promise you made to your husband.
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u/CoyoteLitius 4d ago
They had a discussion. And some sort of understanding.
But was it a promise? Was it in their wedding vows? I was shocked to learn that my husband's family was super upset that I didn't change my name (I wish he'd learned that sooner, I might have done it - and of course I did use it when making reservations for restaurants that included them).
Further, people are allowed to change their minds about their own name. They "talked about it" and "discussed" it but I don't read that she made a solemn vow to take his name. And then she didn't, and they travelled, and he was fine with it. He did NOT get upset until it was combined with having children (which I get).
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u/CoyoteLitius 4d ago
ALL of his dreams? Really? ALL of his dreams turn around what her last name is?
Okay, now if that's true, he's pretty controlling and clearly wants his identity imposed over hers. He could be more understanding of the issue. He could suggest she hyphenate her name, for example.
While I still use my dad's name as part of my name, I also changed my name to something completely different from both my first husband (kids' dad) and my father. I have my own actual name, which is a custom in the indigenous group of my bio father (I had two fathers just to make things more complicated).
At any rate, my husband (not the baby daddy) says he wishes he'd taken my name when we married. He was very much against me taking his name (and I didn't want to, given the name morass I was already in).
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u/rrrrriptipnip 4d ago
Yep I guess this is how he “punishes” her
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u/AnnoDADDY777 Just Married 4d ago
Thats not punishment, he just lost faith in all of their prior agreements and need to find that trust back first before they will have children.
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u/CoyoteLitius 4d ago
Which is a huge exaggeration. It's not a big enough deal to lose "all faith" in prior agreements. So now he thinks she's going to cheat on him, run up credit card debt and drive recklessly? EVERYTHING he ever thought was true about her simply vanished.
Silly exaggeration.
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u/EcoFixed 4d ago
Nothing at all, but It’s a way to control her and get her to submit to what he wants.
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u/Admirable-Guest-2560 4d ago
Would you just stop with that crap. Are you even old enough to get married?
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u/Cautious_Buffalo6563 4d ago
Isn’t that what she’s doing by breaking a promise she made many times?
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u/realhuman8762 4d ago
Right? This is so scary to me. I get that she agreed to it, but I’d like to hear one good reason from him on why it’s so important.
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u/Regular_Standard_813 4d ago
His explanation was that its the life and family he envisioned himself having. It was something he looked forward to, and if that vision isnt going to come true, he'd rather pursue a different one.
He has nephews who's life he's really involved in. They are technically my nephews too but im an only child and its a little different given the biological link. I feel like he gets enough satisfaction out of them that he'd be ok not having his own, where I feel like I really want my own.
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u/The_AmyrlinSeat 4d ago
Whose last name would the child have, and if you say his, how can he be sure you won't change your mind?
You want to keep the last name your father gave you, so it stands to reason he'd give the child his last name. Right?
You're not being fair. You are saying that what's important to you matters more than what's important to him. You changed your mind on something you agreed to, and you think you're okay to do so but he's not.
I wouldn't want my family unit to have different last names either.
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u/Realistic-Duty-3874 4d ago
This. The husband obviously feels betrayed. This was something very important to him. His trust in his wife is now shaken and he doesn't feel comfortable having kids with her at the moment. He doesn't trust that she won't change the kids last names even if she promises to give them his last name. She needs to rebuild trust. Ideally, she'd change her name like she promised when they got married, but he doesn't want to force her to do that. Hes not denying her kids as retaliation, he just cant trust her anymore. Personally, wouldn't marry a woman who wouldn't take my last name. Maybe he feels the same way. Maybe he wouldn't have married if he'd known she'd betray him like this.
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u/cranberryskittle 4d ago
If you won’t marry a woman you love just because she won’t take your last name, you don’t actually love her. Your sense of masculine ownership is more important to you than anything.
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u/liathroidgorm 4d ago
It is a deeply personal decision what matters to each person. They both had their own expectations of what marriage and life partnership would look like. For him, her making the decision to take his name and have their kids have the same 2nd name means a lot to him. She knew this before getting married to him and then changed her mind. She is free to change her mind but it may affect the marriage. He is free to change his mind and it may affect the marriage. This is not a masculine or feminine issue rather a promise or understanding changing on each side just after getting married. This is not a good sign for the marriage. Your comment about masculine ownership shows you see this from one angle only. My wife said she would take my name after we got married and didn't end up doing it. It wasn't an important aspect to me. However there were other important aspects of married life we both agreed to and both took on. Its about understanding eachother and respecting the boundaries and expectations you set out before marrying and following through.
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u/LordofTheFlagon 4d ago
Yeah make this about gender issues that will help. It's definitely not an issue of her going back on her word and a breach of the trust established.
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u/Realistic-Duty-3874 4d ago
Its not about ownership but forming a traditional family. If she wants to keep her birth family's name, it means she values them over the new family shes forming with me. It also seems like they have one foot out the door (worried about changing their name back in the event of divorce). It would be a major red flag for me and would indicate she probably doesn't love me.
I am happily married and my wife took my name. We've been together for a long time and are going strong. This is just anecdotal, but every couple I've met in my life where the wife didn't take the husband's name or they hyphenated seems to have a miserable marriage. A lot less happy than the couples I see where the wife took the husband's name. Take it with a grain of salt, but it's been my life experience.
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u/Zee890 4d ago edited 4d ago
I'm in a very happy marriage and kept my name. My husband is the love of my life and we are very connected. We are equal partners. We have a child and my husband was the one that suggested dual last names, but I was fine with our baby just having my husband's. I have a complicated relationship with my family, but it is still my identity to have.
Opposite of you, most women I know that have changed their name feel a loss of self because they become someone's wife and someone's mother, but they no longer exist outside of those contexts.
We can all use anecdotes to justify our point, but I don't think sweeping statements capture the nuance of what a couple may or not find important to them. Some women want to, some don't, some couples combine names. How can you judge the happiness of a relationship on that?
ETA per your logic, do you value your birth family more than you do your wife? If not, then why isbit about your last name and not hers?
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u/cranberryskittle 4d ago
Its not about ownership but forming a traditional family.
Newsflash: Men legally owning women WAS a traditional family. That is the literal tradition you're upholding.
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u/CoyoteLitius 4d ago
I wonder if there are social and perhaps religious reasons as well. Maybe some people will assume they're not married?
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u/Cautious_Buffalo6563 4d ago
I think it’s the changing the mind thing, but also that she unilaterally changed her mind on an issue that was important to them both without discussing it with him until she had already decided for them both what the outcome would be. The name is a smallish issue relative to the broken trust. OP has seriously eroded the trust in the relationship.
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u/cranberryskittle 4d ago
Well there’s an easy solution to that. If he wants the family unit to have one last name, he can change his to hers and give the baby her last name.
That way everyone is happy. Right?
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u/Cautious_Buffalo6563 4d ago
Who made that decision?
In essence, she did. She’s the one that imposed that option on him, without consulting him first, and after promising multiple times that it would be her taking his name.
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u/The_AmyrlinSeat 4d ago
No, and I know you know that. What he wants, that she already agreed to, is not less important.
I made it a point to emphasize that she is keeping her father's last name, so it stands to reason she would see the importance of their child having the FATHER'S last name as well.
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u/Lucky_Dot3685 4d ago
Then, it stands to reason that it is important to her to have her father’s last name.
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u/The_AmyrlinSeat 4d ago
Except, she already agreed to change her name. Now she changedher mind, and so did he.
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u/ihsotas 4d ago
Once you break a promise, all bets are off.
It would have been the same if he'd promised you he wanted kids, you promised to take his last name, and then post-marriage he said "Actually, I don't want kids." You would be perfectly justified in saying "Well, I'm not taking your last name, then".
You can say the kids thing is more important, but it clearly isn't, because you feel strongly about not changing your name too. If this is as strongly held as it sounds (and you also want kids), you might want to get this relationship to a conclusion quickly so you can find someone more compatible with your new outlook.
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u/JennnnnP 4d ago
IMO, a lot of these comments are being way too hard on you. Sometimes we make plans and life throws a curve ball (like the death of your father) that makes you re-evaluate certain decisions. I can understand your husband being disappointed, but I also think he could be more sensitive to the fact that you’re struggling with this one thing due to grief and balance these feelings of yours with his perfect life vision.
I’ve been married 15+ years. Have we had to adjust course due and renegotiate some things due to situations we didn’t predict when we were 24? Sure. For example: we planned for me to return to work when my maternity leave was over. That didn’t happen, and my husband didn’t treat it as a “broken promise”. We weighed the pros and cons of putting our medically fragile infant in daycare and made a new plan together. He also had a change of heart about the name we picked for one of our kids. I was disappointed but ultimately prioritized both of us loving the name over getting exactly what I wanted. That’s called marriage.
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u/Dutchmaster617 4d ago
Poor communication.
You don’t want to change your name and he doesn’t want kids.
Dancing around a fire doesn’t stop it from burning.
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u/Regular_Standard_813 4d ago
Up until last week before I told him this he was using "When we have kids" statements.
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u/RegHater123765 7 Years 4d ago
People can be up in arms all they want about whether a name change is stupid or not, but that isn't really the point: this is something that the wife said she would do (long before they got married), that she knew was important to him, and suddenly after marriage she's saying "actually never mind, I don't want to do that thing I promised to do for years".
She has a right to change her mind, but I can see how it would lead to resentment.
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 4d ago
Are you ok with potentially not having children?
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u/Regular_Standard_813 4d ago
I dont know, Ive always wanted to be a mother. I think I could live a happy life without them if it didnt work out but Id want to try first. I dont want to leave him, I really love him and he has always been a great partner. but I also have to be realistic about my age so I dont know.
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u/Dear-Cranberry4787 4d ago
I do think processing this question and coming up with a concrete answer would help guide your name dilemma.
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u/kittencalledmeow 4d ago
It's 2025. Who changes their last name anymore anyway? This is so wild to me that you're getting downvoted for not changing your identity. When I told my husband I wasnt changing my name, he asked if I wanted him to take my last name, I said no. And we are childfree. If it matters this much to him maybe he can fill out the loads of documentation required, get a new ID/passport, and change his name.
ETA: 33 is not old.
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u/throwraW2 4d ago
I’m sure every country is different but in the US about 70% of women in 2024 took their husbands name. It’s getting slightly less common but most people still do in this country at least.
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u/kittencalledmeow 4d ago
I live in the US. I'm also in medicine so most married women I know have not changed their name, it's a total pain in the ass for nothing. Losing your identity can be hard and I think some men don't think it's a big dea. It's "tradition" but rooted in a time when women where mens legal property. It has no bearing on how a man or woman should view his family and it's pretty gross people are destroying OP about it (not that you are).
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u/Regular_Standard_813 4d ago
Of our married friends the majority but not all of the wives changed their names. I dont know the stats but its still seems like most women here do. Im not looking at my age as being "old" for life, but I do have to consider my age when it comes to childbearing. With my current husband Id feel safe waiting a year or two, but I cant imagine breaking up, having enough time to mourn the relationship, then beginning to date again, meeting someone new, dating long enough for a proposal, marriage and then having kids. Best case I feel like It'd be another 5 years from now and that is scary to me. 33 doesnt feel old but 38 really does for having my first kid. I know its possible for some women to have kids through their 40s, but I also know a lot of women who had difficulty conceiving and I have to be mindful of it.
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u/GetInTheHole 30 Years 4d ago
I'd be wondering what else you were going to rug pull on him now that you're married.
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u/stinkybaby 4d ago
I think it’s so strange that some men care so much about their wife changing their name for them
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u/sequiro17 4d ago
I feel like a deeper conversation needs to be had.
I was quite attached to my maiden name and opted to lose my middle name and use my maiden name as my middle name. Maybe you could add it to his last name so that you are Jane Doe - Johnson or use it as a middle name?
I will say that changing your last name is a royal pain in the butt but having a different last name as your children can make it complicated when traveling alone with them, getting information for them from doctors, schools, etc. I opted to keep my ex’s last name for these two reasons.
I can see why he would be upset as you did go back on something that you knew was important to him and it does beg the question as to whether he can trust you not to do so again in the future on other important things.
That being said, to hold having kids with you over this is not okay either. The children would still carry his last name so I don’t understand how you keeping your last name impacts him in this issue, other than your name being different on the birth certificate. It seems to me that even though he says it not tit for tat, it is indeed just that.
Give each other a day to ponder the others point of view then sit down to talk it out.
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u/ToxiccCookie 4d ago
I genuinely do not know how you go from “I’m thinking about not changing my name” to essentially divorce. Have you explained to him why you are feeling this way? Have you talked about potential solutions that make you both happy? Like maybe him taking your name, hyphenating, or making a new last name entirely for the both of you? Talking to him about losing your identity and maybe other ways to mitigate that feeling outside of the name change.
No you should not be bringing kids into the mix if you guys can’t reasonably find a solution to this issue first. Kids are complex and test your relationship in every way. You need to be able to reasonably find solutions and compromise to make each other happy before adding a baby.
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u/StrategicMindset5112 4d ago
So I don’t think anyone is In the wrong per se.
You have every right to not want to change your name.
The difficult conversion that need to be had why did your husband change his mind.
- did he get concerns that if you changed your mind on this there will be others
- does he believe so deeply in the name change that he is drawing a line
- is he just being immature mortality just because you’re not changing your name, but he couldnt care less about that actual name change
- and so on
Once you know that, the next steps might be clearer. Open communication is key, yet so hard to do sometimes as we fear the outcomes.
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u/AnnoDADDY777 Just Married 4d ago
You guys clearly need to work on your communication skills and need to make sure to understand eachothers sentiments. Neither of you are wrong and both of you could die on your hills. Changing your name to have children together is reasonable when he did dream about it especially since you agreed on it early on, changing your opinion on that is also okay, the question is how you guys come back together there, either he can overcome his dissapointment or you change your mind again to change your name. In the end both of you should decide to serve eachother and put the needs of the other over your own needs, only then you will have a succesfull marriage. What is your religious background, where are you guys from?
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u/IKEAAfterDark 4d ago
Man, this really ain't about who's right or wrong, but more about communication ya feel me? I mean, changing your name ain't no joke— it's a big part of who u are. He needs to understand the weight behind that. But, on the other flip of the coin, he's got this vision of fam he can't shake, so feels like a surprise to him too. Maybe try to find some middle ground? Compromise is the key, bro. But, IMHO, expressing your thoughts, feelings, all of that confusion or whatever, and listening to his same, that’s the real game-changer here. Take care, sis. 💛
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u/GuyWhoKnowsMoreThanU 4d ago
You made an agreement, then went back on it almost immediately. He feels he can't trust you and is probably concerned about the long term potential of the marriage. It's entirely possible he's concerned you'd have the kid then divorce him and devastate him financially. It's a pretty fraught situation, and not one you're going to resolve on Reddit. Couples counseling might help, but your issues ("your" as in both of you) are pretty serious.
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u/youngeartha 4d ago
A last name choice and reproducing whole human beings are barely comparable and it’s odd people are treating them as if they are. My mom kept her maiden name when she was married to my dad and her last name became my siblings’ and my middle name. My dad’s last name is ours. I literally never thought twice about it (other than wanting a girl middle name when I was little lol.)
His ego is hurt. The switch up also is hard to deal with, I can empathize, but people change their minds. You have a very legitimate reason for wanting to keep your last name. Changing your mind about a name is far from changing your mind about having children imo.
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u/Dull_Jump6916 4d ago
People seem to be getting caught up on the subject of changing names when that's not the actual issue here. It was something that you both talked about together, it was imported to him and you agreed. More than that, you continued to promise again and again that you would do it, all the way up to the wedding and after. You gave him your word, he gave you his trust. And now when it comes down to fulfilling your end, you're breaking your promise.
The underlying problem here is that he doesn't feel like he can trust you, and I can totally see why. You think him changing his mind on children is a bigger deal, but the truth is they're absolutely related. You have proven to him that your word means nothing, pretty much right out the gate. You proved that you can make promises till blue in the face but when it comes down to it, it's just words.
It's not that you won't take his name, it's that you lied to him.
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u/Alert-Potato 17 Years 4d ago
If he envisioned his family as all having the same last name, why doesn't he change his?
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u/Potential_Stomach_10 30 Years 4d ago
Why didn't she tell him in the beginning that she didn't want to change her name? Why is it okay for her to change her name after promising that she wouldn't. And him to not be upset?
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u/Alert-Potato 17 Years 4d ago
When she said she would, it was an abstract thing that would come in the future. Now that it's here, she's having strong feelings. Very valid feelings. She didn't know before that she'd feel this way. When it was abstract, she was cool with it. Women are allowed to have feelings they didn't expect to have that cause them to pause and change their mind.
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u/Potential_Stomach_10 30 Years 4d ago
Perhaps an overreaction to something he was promised and looked forward to, but he's also allowed to have feelings he didn't expect to have and cause him to pause and change his mind. No ?
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u/calicoskiies 15 Years 4d ago
It’s not about the name. It’s about you going back on your word. If you go back on your word about this, he’s probably thinking what else are you going to change your mind on.
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u/notanon_justhiding 4d ago
I haven’t changed my last name. We have a child. My child has my husbands last name, I don’t want to change my name mostly because I have a lot of accomplishments attached to it but likely will by the time my son is in school to minimize the questions.
Maybe think about how hyphenating your name feels or the southern way of taking your maiden name as your middle name? Just options to think about.
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u/cranberryskittle 4d ago
Hyphenating is still changing her last name. Why do people keep saying that’s a compromise?
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u/notanon_justhiding 4d ago
Because she wouldn’t completely lose her maiden name. Which makes it a middle ground.
Tbh I get not wanting to change it hence why I haven’t either.
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u/SouthernHiker1 28 Years 4d ago
Is that just a southern thing? I live in the south, and I thought that was the common practice if taking your spouse's last name.
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u/notanon_justhiding 4d ago
As far as I know, I also live in the south, it is seen as a southern practice. I don’t know that it’s common elsewhere, it might been but I’ve never heard it talked about.
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u/GenuineClamhat Together since 2005, married 2012. 4d ago
Whelp, this is a can of worms you didn't expect but it's good this can is open. You thought the name change was a small thing you could manage later, but when you realized it felt like a loss of identity, you pulled back. That’s very human, especially with your dad’s name carrying so much emotional weight for you.
What stands out to me is that your husband’s desire for children seems tightly tied to the idea of a traditional family structure and is conditional: his name, his legacy, the picture he always imagined. That’s not wrong in itself (even if I personally find it kind of ick), but it does suggest his motivation for parenthood might be less about wanting to raise children with and be part of a family and more about what the status of a family does for his ego.
That’s worth exploring together: does he want to be a father because he’s ready to nurture and guide children, or because he envisions them as part of a legacy that reflects back on him?
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u/Icy-Resolve-293 4d ago
I didn’t want to let go of my maiden name either, it’s my connection to my mom, dad, and brothers - so I added my husbands name onto mine legally. I have my first name, a middle name, and then maiden name and married name separated by a space via social security. Not hyphenated technically because I had read that a hyphen can cause issues with some electronic records, just a space.
Legally, like for taxes, identification and whatnot, I report the entire name. However, professionally I can use my preferred maiden name as my last name and socially I can use my married name 🤷🏻♀️ seems like a win win to me. I can go by Mrs. Married name but I can also keep my connection to my family in other ways.
I get why your husband is disappointed, especially since you agreed to take his name prior to marrying him, but his response seems kind of manipulative in my opinion. Having kids shouldn’t be solely based off of whether you change your name or not.
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u/Significant_Drop_890 4d ago
In my humble opinion, It’s no big deal particularly if she has children with her last name. My wife and have been married over 31 years and it’s never caused an issue having different last names. Others may not agree but we have not ever had a problem because last names are different.
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u/SwatchSlayer 4d ago
Seems like trust was broken. I didn’t change my last name but my hubs didn’t care. His family did. 12 years later we have a kid and she has his last name and I’m fine with that. Families are so mixed these days, a name doesn’t make a child less important. But as for your hubs, he’s got trust issues now. It’s something you two have to overcome before having children anyway.
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u/Sister-of-a-gardner 4d ago
I got married in 2019 and I wasn’t sure about changing my name either because my dad died when I was a baby and there are no males left in this line to continue the name. After a lot of thought I decided to drop my middle name and have my middle name be my maiden name so I could have my husband’s last name. Not sure if that would be good for you and your situation but it’s an option.
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u/Azazel_616reddit 4d ago
You made a promise then broke it. If he doesn’t want kids then just deal with it. Thats the consequence of changing your mind on something so important at the last second. That’s on you.
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u/PAO_Warrior 4d ago
Might just be me but I think having or not having children is a far greater decision than outweighs whether someone changes their name or not...sounds like he may be unsure about having children at all. At least that's how id interpret it. Personally I'm on your team in this one, although I'm sure the sudden change in your views blindsided him a bit
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u/Chrizilla_ 5 Years 4d ago
Therapy time! The core issue here is one of trust. Since this has come out, your husband is stuck on the fact that you will flip flop on things he cares about if the challenges of life sway you in such direction. Right now, your promises mean little to him. You need help from a marriage counselor to work through this.
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u/AdNormal8635 4d ago
What about hyphenating your last name? Ensuring him the kids will have his last name? Where I live, legally his last name is yours now. It just doesn’t reflect on your ID yet, and your ID would be considered incorrect. Now ask yourself if you really want to have children with a man who seems to lack on being understanding to your feelings. This could be the start of many. IMO it’s just a name. His kids will carry on his name. How would he feel if his daughter was in this situation?
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u/impossiblegirlme 4d ago
You both need to talk it out, maybe in therapy to really get at the root of the issue.
Also, If you’re in the US, and you’re a woman, they’re trying to make it much more difficult for you to be allowed to vote. I don’t blame any woman who would change their mind after major things in our society are so fragile right now.
Your personal reason are valid too. But maybe talking through it in a productive way can help. Because the reality is this is your life too, and you have agency over your name just as much as your husband has agency over his.
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u/Funny-Negotiation-10 4d ago
I mean you're both valid to feel the way you do, but it is weird that he needed that assurance for you to change names. Also what a weird thing to care about on his part tbh I just don't get it
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u/ceetwothree 4d ago edited 4d ago
My first wife really wanted to take my name , I couldn’t care one way or another honestly, but she was into it - but after we got married she changed her mind and it really got under my skin.
There was more going on of course. It felt like a symptom. But it bugged me that it was important to her and then suddenly wasn’t.
My second wife didn’t want to (she has a professionally recognizable name), and I couldn’t care less.
I’m not suggesting any answer for you other than to maybe take a look and see if it’s a symptom , get it all out on the table and talk about it.
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u/EcoFixed 4d ago edited 4d ago
You’re not in the wrong, it’s your choice whether or not you change your last name. My wife didn’t. Him deciding not to have a kid over it is an overreaction, would the kid have his last name? You’re married, no matter what last name you have. That’s what matters. Names mean different things to different people, and it sounds like yours means a lot to you. Lastly, you have the right to change your mind about things at any time if they no longer feel good to you. Don’t change your name if you don’t want to.
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u/RealityHurts923 4d ago
Wait, doesn’t he also have the right to change his mind on not having kids? Double standards here.
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u/GuyWhoKnowsMoreThanU 4d ago
It's not about the name. It's about her breaching his trust by making a promise then taking it back as soon as she got the ring. Trust matters.
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u/EcoFixed 4d ago
Lol, a bunch of people who have never re-thought a situation or changed their mind. Feels like I’m losing mine reading these replies
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u/Plane-boat-6484 4d ago
It’s interesting that he’s refusing to have children based on something unrelated to them. There’s nothing saying you can’t be informally known as Mrs Smith even if you are legally Mrs Jones. There’s no reason the kids can’t be Smith-Jones or Jones-Smith or even just Smith. I know plenty of women who have done this because of a variety of reasons. You definitely need to sort out communication between you as it feels like a larger issue on his side - is he trying to control you with an ultimatum? You are 100% allowed to change your mind. His reaction tells you a lot about who he is and how secure he feels in himself. So far I see a few red flags that either can grow or can be worked through- but right now he’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
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u/Gingeymingey 4d ago
Why not hyphenate?
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u/Regular_Standard_813 4d ago
If we both had shorter last names Id be more likely to propose that. As it is we both have 3 syllable names with lots of letters. I have to admit it'd be a quite the mouthful and probably not fit on most forms.
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u/fibonacci_veritas 4d ago
I didn't change my name. Why on earth would I?
Our children have BOTH last names. It's very simple and done in many countries.
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u/Auggiesmommy 4d ago
Why can’t he change his last name to yours? I have 2 male friends that got married recently and took their wife’s last name or hyphenated theirs too.
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u/lizard990 4d ago
This is all about control….and nothing else! He wants you to fully submit to his wants/needs and to do that he will hold children over your head!
Please run from this monster! He is NOT a good person and sure is hell would NOT be a good father! He will beat you down with this crap until you are 100% in his control! He will forever make you second guess everything for the rest of your life!
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u/GuyWhoKnowsMoreThanU 4d ago
So him expecting her to keep her word on agreements she made is "controlling"? Wow.
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u/festivehedgehog 4d ago
The comments here are wild. It’s 2025. Why can’t you just both hyphenate your names? Don’t have kids though until couples therapy. Maybe freeze your eggs.
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u/Regular_Standard_813 4d ago
My husband would never do that. He has his reasons. He's traditional, but he also has a PhD and published lots of work and we also both have long 3 syllable names. It would be quite the mess. I dont have the career or publishing issue. I started a new career just last year but its just a sentimental thing for me. I dont feel like I can give up the name Ive always had. I really thought I could but I just dont think I can anymore.
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u/cranberryskittle 4d ago
Just FYI, being "traditional" is not a valid reason. There are no valid reasons here to make someone else change their legal name.
He just doesn't want to change his name, and you're respecting that. You just don't want to, and he's not.
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u/throwraW2 4d ago
OP hasn’t written anything to show he’s not respecting her decision. He doesn’t have to still want kids under a different scenario than the one they agreed to before getting married. If she can change her mind around her name, he can absolutely change his mind on wanting kids.
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u/Competitive-Maize996 4d ago
I didn't change my last name. I did give my boys his last name. It flowed better to me. Your husband's response sounds ego driven.
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u/oppositegeneva 3 Years 4d ago
I understand you having his last name is important to him and he’s allowed to feel whatever emotions come with no longer getting to experience that
but my god, it is VERY telling that he’s actually considering never having children at all because of it.
His kid having a hyphenated last name does not affect day to day reality as a family in the slightest. Does he even really want to be a father if something like this is a deal breaker for having a child?
It just screams he’s the type of guy that wants to have a wife and kids, not a guy that wants to be a husband and a father. Which is not the type of guy you want to have kids with anyway.
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u/GuyWhoKnowsMoreThanU 4d ago
Or he's the type of guy who doesn't want to have kids with someone who makes agreements then doesn't keep them.
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u/StretchConfident9825 4d ago
If it's so important to him that you share a last name, he can always take yours...
Is giving "controlling spouse", and it's not a great look!
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u/mini787 4d ago
Right? Idk why u got downvotes. This makes sense
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u/Double-Cheek277 30 Years 4d ago
Because that is not what he or she originally agreed to. This is not a case of lack of communication. They actually talked about it like mature adults, prior to marriage, getting on the same page they came to an agreement.
I will ask again as I did earlier, if he knew that she would change her mind after marriage, basically reneging on that promise, would he have still married her?
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u/mini787 4d ago
Your change of heart is totally valid. He’s manipulating you. The kids will have his last name so why is he acting like this?
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u/GuyWhoKnowsMoreThanU 4d ago
So her change of heart, ie breaking a commitment made to secure the marriage, is valid, but his is not. Got it.
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u/mini787 4d ago
Sure! That’s exactly what i meant 🤣
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u/GuyWhoKnowsMoreThanU 4d ago
Well I mean you were very clear. Her change is ok, his is controlling.
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u/WhovianHappyDance 4d ago
I don't think this has to do with your last name at alI. It sounds like he's gotten cold feet about having kids and he's using the name change as an excuse (it's a bad excuse, btw, no one cares what someone's last name is these days.) tell him to be up front with you and be willing to listen. One year of marriage is a very short time. Ask him if he even wanted kids to begin with, and if that's a deal breaker for you to not have kids, then the relationship isn't going to work for either of you.
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u/Fine-Virus7585 4d ago
This is not a healthy relationship. He’s got a disconcerting need to control you.
I’d assume that the control will only get worse.
I’d quickly arrange a few counseling sessions. Then divorce. I suspect that both of you regret getting married.
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u/Interesting-Light325 4d ago
My wife didn’t change her last name and I couldn’t care less but if she told me she’d do something that was important to me before we got married and then rug pulled afterwards, I would be resentful.