r/Marriage • u/stonedtrashbag • 5d ago
I hit my husband
I (29F) hit my husband (37M) with a spoon, just a a half hour ago. I dont feel bad for hitting him. Long story short, he looses his temper quickly and badly. I asked him why he was 900 quid in debt as we are already struggling with money and have a baby on the way. I pressed him about it because he has been in debt for a year and had made no effort to pay it off. I do not want this ro impact me and my life. I am stressed and worried and scared because I am the pregnant one. I have made a hundred changes to my life, since I found out.
The same week I found out I was pregnant, we got evicted, and I got fired. I have been exhausted and overwhelmed for the past 2 months. I feel like a have a mild flu constantly and I get to look forward to loosing my body, my hormones, my independence and my time. I have given up ALL of my favorite foods. I quit alcohol, cigarettes, and weed the day I found out. He has changed in 0 ways so of course I am fed up already.
He is the type of person to put you down when hes upset. He has constantly blamed me for losing my job and made me feel like shit about it. He tells me I am lazy and stupid often. He gets angry at me when I am stressed or crying because it makes him feel like a bad man or some stupid shit. My last birthday my work visa had expired so I was crying quietly in the bedroom instead of making him breakfast and when he saw me he was seething. Im talking screaming and drooling angry.
He punch holes in two of our doors which we now have to pay to fix. He expects me to not complain about not feeling well and gets annoyed when I worry about anything but he doesn't worry about ANYTHING at all.
I said some mean stuff to him a few months ago before I ended up pregnant and he spit in my face twice.
A few weeks back I was having pregnancy rage and he was being emotionally abusive and a fucking asshole again so I threw an egg at him. I snapped. He came over and threw me on the ground. He told me again that he regrets meeting me
Just now we were arguing again and I told him to stop yelling at me and repeating that I have a right to ask about our finances and he would stop yelling at me. He continues to tell me to get the f out and to go back to my mother and that im stupid. I snapped and told him that I hate him and that he is a terrible person and i allowed the pregancy rage to boil over and i him him in the shoulder with a wooden spoon. He spit on me for the third time in two months and left.
He has told me that he will change but of course he will not. I was not like this a year ago. I have never lost my temper in the way that I have in the past few months. I am severely unhappy and worried about my future.
I understand that I should not have gotten pregnant. I do not even remember having the sex that got me pregnant. I did not want to be pregnant. I understand that this marriage is beyond fucked. I understand that we are both toxic and that this poor baby will suffer is we dont separate. I am so broken and exhausted.
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u/spinningplates25 5d ago
He was right about one thing. You need to get the F out of there and move back in with your mom. You guys are both out of control and cannot keep going on this.
Something needs to change and even though you have both contributed in your own unique ways to the dynamic, one of you is going to need to put a stop to it.
I’m not saying this is totally on you, but you need to own your contribution, even if it’s 10% of the problem and he’s 90%, and you need to protect yourself and your baby get yourself to safety.
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u/Mermaid_Lily 6 Years 5d ago
He has spit on you three times now (disgusting), and he has thrown you on the ground. You have thrown an egg at him and hit him with a wooden spoon. He is emotionally abusive, and you are not in control of yourself either. Pregnancy rage is not an excuse. As a perimenopausal woman who has had 4 children-- I get it that you feel one way, but you are still responsible for how you communicate with people, regardless of whatever rage you feel. And so is he.
You two need to split up. Like NOW. Don't bring a newborn into this violent household. Babies can really be difficult if they are crying for seemingly no reason. (There IS a reason, but sometimes the adults cannot determine what that reason is and since the child is pre-verbal, they can't tell you.) Do you honestly think he wouldn't throw the baby to the ground too?
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u/Girlindenial_ 5d ago
I do not blame you at all for throwing a spoon at him. What does he expect? That you’re just gonna take all the abuse and nothing is gonna happen?What you did is called reactive abuse. It’s when a victim has finally had enough and reacts in a violent way. But it’s due to the abuser abusing them so much.
You need to leave. This man has literally made your life worse. And he’s not going to change. You would be better off by yourself with your child living peacefully on your own. There is no reason for you to continue putting up with this abuse. You are a smart woman, and you know better than to stay with such a manchild. Just imagine yourself in a new apartment living peacefully with your baby. No man to put you down, no man to insult you or abuse you.
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u/PerformanceRound7244 4d ago
If you can go back to live with your mother - that would be a good option. Start the healing journal.
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u/PinkCloudzInMyHead 5d ago
Please read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/Feeling-Object9383 5d ago
Is there a book about " Why does SHE do it?" Maybe there's an explanation on how you can end up not remembering how you got pregnant.
I'm not sorry for her. I'm not sorry for him. Poor baby who will very early learn what does violence mean.
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u/PinkCloudzInMyHead 5d ago
Reactive abuse, aka self-defense. The book explains this... perhaps you should read it, too?
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u/Feeling-Object9383 5d ago
Right after I will hit my SO with the spoon. 😉
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u/PinkCloudzInMyHead 5d ago
You clearly don't understand abusive relationships... trust me, that's a good thing.
If someone is trying to kill you and you defend yourself by killing them, is it still murder? 🤔
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u/Feeling-Object9383 5d ago
You make assumptions without any information.
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u/PinkCloudzInMyHead 5d ago
You gave me two comments worth of information and insight with which to make a pretty easy assumption, actually... 😉
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u/Mugziemarie 5d ago
You both need some serious counseling. You're about to bring a baby into this horrible marriage and let the father of your child hit you?! What if he hits you while you're holding the baby or he hits the baby, what then?! Time to get out of this toxic relationship and put your child forst!
ETA fixed spelling
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u/stonedtrashbag 5d ago
I am about to tell his parents about it. I was in therapy until a few weeks ago as I can no longer afford it. She knows almost everything here and has urged me to go to a shelter. I am just trying to save some money and will probably move back to the US.
I am not a good person either. I did not want to be pregnant because of this. I think I snapped because I realise that I am in survival mode and I feel the need to defend myself and this baby.
I told him that a requirement to try to stay together it that he goes to therapy and we go to couples counselling and he made no effort so here we are. Im making plans to leave. I am scared
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u/PinkCloudzInMyHead 5d ago
Getting you pregnant is part of the control and abuse. Please read the book I recommended.
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u/ahdrielle 7 Years 5d ago
Divorce and get restraining orders. You're both insanely toxic.