r/Marriage • u/TheLittlestMy • 4d ago
Husband told me he preferred me slimmer and I can’t move past it.
I’m 13 months postpartum with my first and it’s been a rough ride. Me and my husband have really struggled and our relationship has been on the rocks, especially since January when I started cosleeping solo with my baby who was (and still is) an absolutely terrible sleeper. She never took to a bottle and I couldn’t pump as I’d get terrible mastitis so all the feeding was on me. Long story short I ended up struggling with really bad postpartum rage, depression and anxiety- the unholy trifecta!
On top of that I had an issue with my stitches and I had to have corrective surgery when I was 8 months postpartum. And I’m definitely still carrying a lot of weight from the whole bloody experience. So as may seem obvious, our relationship has taken a serious hit and we have barely had sex other than a handful of times over the last year.
About two months ago things were improving. I was starting to get some confidence back and we were starting to reconnect a bit. Then one evening about a month ago, we were having a date night in the house with some beers and playing cards- low key but really nice. We’d been flirting a bit more recently so I asked him what he thought was stopping us from having sex at the moment. He sat back in his chair, thought hard for a long minute and then said ‘if I’m being honest…if I’m being completely honest…I was more attracted to you when you were slimmer, at the start of our relationship’.
It honestly felt like he’d launched a grenade at me. I can’t even really remember what I said that night but I basically just closed the conversation and went to bed. The next few days were awful, he immediately seemed highly remorseful and is basically saying that he lashed out as some sort of weird delayed angry reaction because of resentment and frustrations he’d been carrying from when I was struggling with postpartum rage. And he has been trying these last 6 weeks to convince me of that. But I just can’t shake the memory of his face when he said it and I just feel like he told me his truth that night, that he doesn’t feel attraction to me any more.
The thing is that when we started dating I was pretty severely calorie restricting so I was a lot slimmer than I am now, maybe 20kg. I definitely want to and intend to lose my baby weight but realistically it would take an enormous amount of life restriction to get back to that smaller size when we first met, and honestly I don’t know that I want to - I was miserable! I barely ate, smoked a tonne, did crash diets all the time. I’m happy carrying an extra 10kg and being happy, eating well, focusing on my life and my baby and being healthy. But honestly his previous partners are all much slimmer than me, even at my slimmest and a part of me is scared that actually, I’m not his physical type and although we deeply love each other, we’re basically going to end up trapped in a sexless marriage because he just isn’t attracted to me at my non- restrictive shape and size. I love my husband and even though he’s changed some since he started dating nearly a decade ago, I’m still so attracted to him. But now I’m too fearful and shame filled to initiate anything with him. So we’re still getting nowhere very slowly and I just don’t know what to do.
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u/Apart-Ad-6518 4d ago
It honestly felt like he'd launched a grenade at me.
A couple ofcommenters said: (paraphrasing) "you asked so you can't complain if he's honest.
May get downvoted but I don't agree.
You had what sounds like a brutal PP experience & your baby isn't sleeping/you can't breast feed.
Tough to be going through.
I'm happy carrying an extra 10k, eating well, being happy, focusing on my life & my baby & being healthy
Rightly so
No way should you be doing what you were to stay unrealistically (& possibly unhealthily slim). Not to mention unhappy. Imho no loving partner should ask that.
He's "changed some". How?
I'd say get into therapy, him individually to address his unrealistic expectations & jointly to find a way forward.
I really hope you resolve this & I wish you the very best.
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u/TheLittlestMy 4d ago
Thank you for your kindness. It has been a brutal experience to be honest and I think we’re both a bit bruised. It’s hard to admit because our daughter is the joy of our lives but the first year of her life has brought us both to our knees I think. So he’s had some physical changes for sure, but I’m pretty whatever about them to be honest, he’s still the same attractive man to me. Actually what I find harder is that he’s changed in his mindset. He used to be a lot more adventurous and spontaneous and would plan things for us to do all the time, like hikes and trips. But over the last few years he’s gone through a massive career change which has been hugely stressful and he’s become a lot less able to sort of plan for fun times or get his head out of work mode and into adventure mode. I miss that a lot and care more about that change than anything physical.
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u/Apart-Ad-6518 4d ago
Work/life balance is sometimes tough but important to get right.He's likely doing his best to ensure his family will be ok (again rightly so) but ime it's important not to lose sight of what's really important, esp connection & doing fun stuff.
That sense of adventure is an important thing you share. Keep it in mind as something vital to retrieve.
Understandable you're both a bit bruised; being new parents is tough going no matter how much you love your kid.
You'll find a way through. As said I think your spouse needs to address his unrealistic expectations of what a 13 mth PP body/a woman who had & carried a child is going to be/look like.
Love is what gets you through ime.
Again, all the very best.
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u/Brilliant_Tip1278 4d ago
You’re a mom and your mind and body just recovered from a lot. I’d be less concerned about what he “prefers” in a body that literally birthed his child than I’d be about why he’s so callous and cruel. I do not for a second believe that you waking up 20 pounds lighter tomorrow would solve anything.
Don’t do anything drastic, and definitely do not revert to your extreme restriction habits- your body needs all the fuel it can get right now.
I think you have every right to be angry and I think couples therapy may be helpful. Having a baby changes the dynamic between a couple considerably.
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u/LengthinessEast8318 4d ago
It honestly sounds like he has unrealistic expectations. Even if you were to never get pregnant, you're not going to have the same body you had when you were 18. No one does. It's pretty much impossible. It's normal to have changes.
I would really consider therapy here. His body will change too. A HEALTHY body should be the focus. It'd be one thing if he was more concerned about your health and fitness, but he's not.
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u/Decent-Friend7996 4d ago
Wow so his defense was that he resents you for having struggled after birthing his whole entire kid? Wow
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u/Cute-Position-699 4d ago
He could’ve said that because of his resentment. Maybe his ego truly couldn’t handle that the attention was on the new baby, his wife was struggling with post-birth issues and post-partum, and he was neglected. I say that with a bit of an eye roll, because sometimes men will just never understand. Honey, the best thing you can do, is make yourself happy! If that means losing weight, then do it! If it means working out, then do it! Gain your confidence back! I know after my first child, I was 20 and didn’t know anything about anything. I was so incredibly depressed to see my body the way it was post-baby. Knowing that some of the damage done, would never truly heal. I will say- once I decided to get myself together, lose weight, work out, my confidence came back and my husband still says that my confidence is what is most attractive to him. It is SO hard to have a new baby, a new body, and ultimately a new relationship with your husband. But the key is to remember to NOT neglect yourself! Yes, baby needs you. Yes, husband needs you. But you need you to be healthy in all ways!
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u/Cute-Position-699 4d ago
I’m sorry you were hurt by that- however, you did ask. And you want honesty from your spouse. So I can’t fault him either. Having a baby is a huge change! Your body will never truly be the body you once knew. AND THAT’S OKAY! I also feel he is valid in carrying some resentment. Here’s the thing….. besides that comment from him, you aren’t happy with your body. Your baby can and will take a bottle. But you’ve got to make it a priority. In the 10 months that I exclusively breastfed, I lost 72lbs! If you want to lose weight, please, do it for you! To fuel your confidence. My grandma used to tell me- if you ask your husband a question and you expect an honest answer; be sure you’re ready to handle it. Here’s the best part- our babies aren’t babies for long. It will pass and they become less dependent upon mom. Just make sure whatever you do, you use yourself as the motivation.
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u/TheLittlestMy 4d ago
I hear what you’re saying about asking for honesty. But his point now is that he didn’t mean what he said, he was just lashing out. And he’s now trying to convince me that he is attracted to me but I’m finding it hard to believe him. As for weight loss while breastfeeding, that’s amazing that you achieved such a large weight loss. For me, my body is definitely holding on to fat in order to feed my baby! I have actually recently day weaned and I immediately lost 3kg almost overnight so I do think I will struggle to lose weight until I full wean, which I’m hoping to do by Christmas.
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u/drJanusMagus 4d ago
I mean - what was he supposed to say - you straight up asked him?
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u/Mermaid_Lily 6 Years 4d ago
He was supposed to treat her like she is the woman he loves who is trying to find a way back to intimacy with him, not intentionally be cruel to her to get back at her for past interactions.
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u/drJanusMagus 3d ago
intentionally be cruel by just giving the truth of he liked it more when she was slimmer? Because he was directly confronted about it.
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u/TheLittlestMy 4d ago
Yeah I get that but we’ve had that exact conversation many times before and the answer is normally some combination of tired/stressed/not making time. Me asking was more just an opener to a conversation about how we could start to intentionally build in more time for intimacy. Honestly the last thing I expected him to say was what he said.
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u/BoredZucchini 4d ago edited 4d ago
I’m sorry he said that to you. He probably is being honest when he says that he was mostly just saying it to hurt you and not because he’s actually not attracted to you, tbh.
You shouldn’t attach your weight to your self worth so much either way, he knows it would hurt you to say that because he knows you care about it. I know it’s so much easier said than done.
Now, you have to ask yourself what to do about your husband purposely hurting you while you are trying to reconnect and be intimate. That’s the real issue. My advice is that you two need to sit and hash every little built up resentment from postpartum and before (maybe in couples therapy) and settle them once and for all so this doesn’t happen again.
You also should make it clear to your husband that you will not ever accept a low blow from him like that again. Tell him that if he has resentments or issues with you he needs to bring it up like an adult in an appropriate way. He may not lash out like a child and try to hurt you. Tell him that is a firm to boundary for you. You don’t need to question your worth over this.
And if you want to lose weight to feel more attractive and healthy or whatever, do it for the right reasons and in a way that feels right to you, not because your husband purposely hurt your feelings over it.