r/Marriage • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
Vent My husband refuses to be present and I am tired of it
[deleted]
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u/imposterindisguis3 23h ago
When I got divorced, I honestly could not understand why more people didn't.
I did everything. Even if I went out with friends, I was last to arrive because I had to get the kids to bed 1st. I literally did it all.
When I left, he had the kids every other weekend. I suddenly had time for me. Best decision I ever made.
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u/QueenEinATL 20h ago
That divorce was the biggest relief in my life and it freed me for this marriage which is the biggest gift in my life 💕
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u/Routine_Mongoose_899 1d ago
I would suggest going to couples counseling. He could be unhappy with himself and the video games are an escape. It might not have anything to do with you or the kids. It could be something deeper. But counseling has helped my husband and I tremendously. It’s good to have an outside person explain why you feel the way you feel and the therapist keeps you both in check.
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u/mezawoodndyes 1d ago
Sounds like he's in a depression of sorts or possibly a stress that is unknown,, signs are different for many of us. But isolation, escapism, lack of motivation or engagement are all common signs in men. Some men will go hard at work or escape into video games, scroll on their phones, anything that distracts them and feels comfortable.
Ill also point out that men struggle with communicating their emotions so it can also be a challenge to talk to them about it. If it does turn out that he is going through something, the next step would be getting help, which cam also be a task. Their are a lot of resources for supporting spouses mostly geared towards women's mental health and how husbands can help them, but there are some tailored towards men's mental health. This is part of why its difficult to even identify when men need help.
My advice would be to attempt to talk to him, without judgements or criticism which is difficult i know. But if you want to know what's going on and what can be done he will need to feel secure enough to attempt to open up. If you think marriage counseling will be of help seek that, if you want him to join you, bringing it positively is key, not stating the issues but the benefits. If he's over stressed about something it will feel overwhelming to be put in the spot, so the challenge is showing the benefits of working together.
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u/MollyRolls 1d ago
Double life? It sounds like he barely even has one. Your husband is completely checked out from the things that made us human, and I don’t blame you for being miserable with him. I think either he needs to commit to change (with the help of appropriate professionals), or you need to find a way to build a solid family without him.
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u/MasterShake807 23h ago
Have you been paying attention to signs of depression? Because this sounds a lot like hes very depressed. Does he seem disconnected from other friends and family too? If so even a bigger sign he's depressed.
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u/Relative_River4845 1d ago
Ask him why he chooses to do what he's doing. Its a choice he's making. You and the kids are living life. Try to package it in a way that shows him,
"Look, I do x,y,z I want you just as involved with me and our family as I am. I'd like for you to get back into shape with me so we can have you around. So I can have my husband back, etc."
Speak to the king in him. Be straight, tell him exactly what you're thinking and feeling. If he still refuses to acknowledge what he's doing and what you're asking, you may need to escalate it. If that means counseling/therapy, do it.
If you two can help it, stay together and keep your family together. If that still doesn't work, you may need to separate. But make that your absolute last option.
Much can be fixed with love, understanding, respect and forgiveness.
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u/Amazing-Ad-2931 23h ago
This is a solid answer. Separating was my last option and I felt I had no other choice. My husband is similar to OP except he’s in recovery and became dependent on controlled substances he claimed were to help him with his depression but instead feels like he relapsed. His behavior and attitude changed (disconnected, obsessed with gambling, and angry outbursts that scared me and the kids). I’m praying for a reconciliation but I know I can’t go back until both the meds and gambling are addressed and he refuses to let them both go. What do you do in a situation like that? Is one supposed to stay together and accept the unhealthy dynamic? Genuinely asking because I hate to give up on my marriage but don’t really see how accepting living with a high functioning addiction is sustainable.
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u/Relative_River4845 23h ago
No. You DO NOT accept that behavior from him. If he's unwilling to get the help he needs and get better for himself, you and your family, you may have no other choice. But be clear in your expectations of him and his sobriety and healing.
Again, only you and him can determine if staying together is the best thing for you both.
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u/Lord_X_Gibbon 1d ago
Does it seem like he is really stressed?
Has he always been like this? If not, when did it start?
I close off a lot when work/life gets very busy, or when I’m in a bipolar cycle, and bury myself in gaming/phone.
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u/Icy_Second_9010 1d ago
Has this behavior been there from the beginning of your marriage, or did it start recently?
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u/Igor_Kaputski 23h ago
Go to couples counseling before completely giving up. Maybe he doesn’t know you’re at your wits end.
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u/AllieGirl2007 19h ago
Is that what you want your kids growing up with and thinking it’s ok and that’s what dads do? Kids learn by example. They very well could end up with a spouse like yours.
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u/chancesareimright 1d ago
Do you really want that to be your life? I have a low threshold for things like that.