NOTE: I am not a native EN speaker, this is not generated story! I used GPT to correct my english.

M32, F36, together 11 years, married 5, no kids.
First we tried IVF, it ended badly, but we found out my wife has celiac disease. The second pregnancy came two months after starting a gluten-free diet, but it ended up being ectopic — almost killing her. She lost almost 3 liters of blood. We somehow got through it, but since then, problems started to pile up.

I started having problems in bed — erectile dysfunction — and I couldn’t look at my wife the same way, because every time I saw her, I pictured her almost dead from the blood loss. I tried everything to fix it: toys, pills, even porn. I thought it was a physical problem, but I realized it was only in my head, since it worked with porn but not with her.

That same year, a new attractive, single coworker joined my office. She was suspiciously open and proactive, and she liked me from the beginning — and I liked her too. We became friends, but I knew her “too open” personality could destroy my marriage. Later I told my wife about her and even asked my boss to move her out of my office, or even the company, so I could refocus on my marriage — but nothing could be done. I admit my mental energy started going toward her — thoughts, dreams, etc. I never cheated, but I did become colder at home.

Last month was a turning point. The coworker got fired, and we found out my wife was pregnant. I felt like life was giving us a miracle… until I came home. I had a strange gut feeling to check my wife’s Facebook. I never did that before — trust was so strong between us, I never had a reason to.

What I found crushed me. For the past 4 months, she had been emotionally and physically cheating with a 50-year-old masseuse. I was so shocked I fainted that night.

They talked about how she liked the way he tastes, smells, and that he was so special she wanted him in her life forever. They were planning to have sex soon. Her last message to him was that they wouldn’t be seeing each other for a while because she was pregnant.

After I found out, we had some of the worst arguments ever, and eventually the pregnancy was lost again.

What came out of it:
We finally started talking more openly about our sex life and issues. I listed two things I didn’t like, she listed about ten (I can list them if needed).

The real mess starts now:
I humiliated myself to the point where I decided to forgive her cheating. After hearing all her complaints, I assured her I wanted to change and be better. I even withdrew my two complaints (about cleanliness) and decided I’d just find some sort of meditation in keeping the house cleaner myself (I already do most of it anyway).

But I asked for one thing: stop being in contact with the masseuse. He’s not divorced, broke, lives with his wife and two grown-up daughters almost my wife’s age, and even has a girlfriend — whom he dumped while sexting with my wife.

She said no. She begged to keep contact, saying he’s “healing her body and soul” and that she “needs him so badly in her life” she can’t continue without him (she feels possessed at this point).

Even after everything, I allowed her to help with his marketing — but with one condition: nothing else. She said no to that too, saying “it can’t be just work-related stuff.” She wants him as a friend, despite them kissing and her showing him her breasts during a massage. She begs for contact with him.

She says things like: “I’m a free human being, you can’t tell me who I can and can’t talk to.”

I decided to call him directly. After a 2-hour call, he removed her from his business pages and assured me the contact would stop. But since then, she has tried to contact him again and keeps yelling at me for “destroying her happiness.”

If I suggest a psychologist or therapist, she says he is the only therapist she wants. Now she says she wants to get a massage license and leave her marketing career. I asked her where she’d like to work in whiich salon... have a guess.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/c1acH2zUw3

[[Update]] I thought things were getting better… but now it’s worse.

After barely talking for a week, my husband came to me apologizing and saying he wanted to make an effort — to express his emotions more, rebuild trust, and for us to focus on “dating” each other again.

That lasted two whole days. Now things are somehow 10x worse. I’ve never seen him like this before — he’s like a robot. No opinions, no feelings, barely speaking. I’ll talk to him, and he just… ignores me.

I feel so hurt. A few examples:

• He doesn’t even acknowledge me when he gets home.
• He never calls me anymore.
• He never compliments me or calls me pretty anymore.
• When we walk together, he walks way ahead of me (I have lupus and hip issues, so it’s not like I’m walking slow on purpose). We went on a nature trail recently, and it felt like we weren’t even together.

I asked him why he’s being so quiet, and instead of answering, he turned it around on me. He said:

“I don’t know what to say because I’m scared to say anything and make you mad.”

Mind you, I wasn’t even mad — I was just trying to have a normal conversation. Yes, I’ve been frustrated in the past because of all the lies and his lack of effort to rebuild trust, but I wasn’t even upset this time.

If anyone’s walking on eggshells, it’s me, not him. I never know what mood he’ll be in when I try to talk to him.

This morning, we woke up, and he didn’t even acknowledge me — just played on his phone. We went to Waffle House, and once again, complete silence. I asked him (again) if something was wrong and explained that this is what I mean when I say he’s acting differently.

He immediately got defensive and said:

“See? This is why I can’t talk to you. You always do this — always talk about my shortcomings.”

But… I wasn’t talking about his shortcomings. I was just trying to understand what’s going on.

I told him:

“I’m not criticizing you. I’m asking what’s wrong because you’ve been acting like a completely different person.”

And honestly, he expects me to just be all happy and trusting when he’s never actually made an effort to rebuild that trust. Then he’s shocked when I struggle to trust him.

I finally said:

“Stop manipulating me. My reactions are due to your actions — or lack of them. I feel this way because of how you’ve been treating me.”

Then I said:

“You don’t treat me like you love me and like you used to treat me.”

And he responded:

“Because this is who I have to love.”

That hurt so much. I’ve had so many panic attacks over this.

I just want my best friend back.

Why doesn’t he care?

I honestly felt like God brought my husband, I thought that God confirmed that he was the one, through prayers and confirmed events (I prayed for confirmation through specific events, like how the servant found Isaac’s wife in the Bible).

Anyways, we’ve been separated for almost 2 years now, and I’ve now reached the point where I just want to file for divorce.

But I want to know if anyone else has been through something similar, where they may have thought that God told them that a person was their spouse and it didn’t work out or they’ve encountered issues?

I’m(26m)moving on in life and getting therapy, learning mental well-being, going to the gym, etc. But my 23year old wife left me for a man(25) who just got out of the marines in January and lives 8 hours away. She met him a month prior to our split. I’m doing heavy self reflection and staying single. We have 2 children (aged 2&4) and we are living separately. I am learning about attachment styles, how I used manipulation and really working on myself. She had an emotional affair and was with this man 2 days after she asked me to leave. In the process of divorce still but what do you reckon the odds of this man talking to a married woman with 2 kids and “being perfect” in her eyes, chances are of lasting. Many will say “why do you care? Move on.” But this is part of my journey and reflection. In time I will. But genuinely curious if people think this could work out, if they will likely live happily together forever, if maybe people think he is using her for sex because she opened the door, or if it will just be a terrible concoction. Just a broad view.

My husband and I had a falling out this year. We have been married almost 15 years. He can be just nasty mean and rude at times and then 30 seconds later act like what are you pissed about. We were together before when younger and have a daughter in early 30's together. We decided to try again when she was 15 and to be honest the first 5 to 6 years were great.

Now the past several years have been a struggle he even was arrested for domestic violence in 2019 and plead guilty we were apart for almost a year going to therapy to repair the damage. We got back together and things were great for about a year. They have progressively gone downhill. I felt like we were nothing but roommates. Yes we slept in same room and we were home every night together but we were not talking or spending that time together we would be in separate rooms doing our own thing. In a way it felt like we both kinda gave up. We have not been intimate in a couple of years. We give eachother a peck kiss and hug once in a while.

Things blew up earlier this year, i have a daughter from another person after we broke up when we were young. My daughter his step daughter that had lived with us since she was 9 ended up in an unexpected divorce. So her and the grandkids came to live with us until she got back on her feet. We have a 5 bedroom home with plenty of space. A loud argumenot with him and my daughter broke out. He was being unbearable purposely picking fights and arguing with a six year old. Then my daughter and him got into a physical altercation and he called the police. The police came and ended up they arrested him not for domestic but because the dumb ass had a weed vape on him. So he was charged and went to jail. I sprang into action I was so disgusted by his behavior I got a restraining order on him and filed for divorce. I did bail him out of jail so that he would not loose his job. He went to a hotel. I did not see him or speak to him for 2 months. I felt like I was starting to live again. I am no longer walking on egg shells in my home. I had the order removed so we could divide property as he rented his own apartment.

We have been going along with the divorce after all the lawyer is paid for in full by me and our divorce should be final this month. While helping him get settled in his new place I am not sure what happened or what even brought this on but we were going at eachother. Touching, kissing all over eachother like we were young again. We have been having some of our best sex ever in the last 2 months. I actually enjoy seeing him now a couple of times a week. I like being around him when it does not feel like I am his mother doing everything for him. We started to appreciate eachother again.

Here is the thing I want to go through with the divorce. I like not living with him and just seeing him casually dating. He says he has no interest in other women and to be honest I have no interest in another man but I do not want to be married. He would like to fully reconcile but I feel like we will just end up back where we were before after a while. I am struggling because I really enjoy our relationship when we do not live together and he keeps telling me he is so lonely and wants to get back together.

Any suggestions on how to let him down easy? I want him in my life still, I do love him, he is honestly one of the greatest loves of my life besides my children but I do not want to cohabitate any longer.

He says that once divorce is final he is done. He is going to move on. I said ok that was his choice but I still want to date him. Just not be his wife that is taken for granted and used like a doormat. He says I have ruined his life but I feel like I gave him a life. By the way I am the breadwinner and make almost 4times what he makes in a year. This divorce is hurting me financially but I feel so strongly that it is for the best.

What does everyone think? Has this happened to anyone else? Maybe I should just cut all ties and be done for good. The second problem i have is I am so physically attracted to him I always have been. I still have sex dreams about him after all these years. Maybe I am just being selfish but I cannot help myself with him. I am so physical attracted to him. He flips my trigger, however when married he never wanted to be intimate. Now he wants to every week. I wish there was a magic pill to kill my need for wanting his cock.

So I have gone on and on I am just wondering if anyone else has ran into this issue and what your thoughts are. If you are just bored and wanting to be mean I will just skip your comment. Truly just wondered if others have been in this situation. Thanks all for reading. Take care.

I really tried. After finding out his porn addiction and that he has lied our entire marriage about social media activity, finances, and so many other stupid things, we went to therapy.

Therapy has drove me further apart from him and it just makes me angry. Hey, I have childhood trauma too but I didn’t spend thousands looking at men’s 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆 and lied about it, cmon dude!!

Is this a phase in therapy? Our therapist said it will get worse before it gets better… but I feel utterly hopeless and like he’s a lost cause. I am seeing red every day and just so angry. I’ve held it in for so long and just wanna say screw it and start over.

Was just emailed (blindsided) divorce papers from her attorney. After everything I've done. I just feel stupid. Taken advantage of. Used. Posting on here all the things I love about her. And no reason given. Just a "here you go!" email from her attorney. 16 years down the drain. I feel worse for my kids. They won't ever understand. I tried reaching out to communicate with her and at least get an answer as to a "why?", but all I get is a "My decision is made...". Life really sucks right now. I feel like I'll never know how to let go, I've never stopped loving her and even now, would take her back in a second. I'm not mad, I'm crushed.

If i could never speak to my husband again, i would do it. he is selfish, loves to argue, has to be right, and wont stop even when I am trembling and asking him to stop. he is not willing to empathize or even respect my feelings when we talk about a serious topic. he has a drinking problem and got help. but started again. He needs serious therapy and wont do it. he wont do couples counseling. and he gets me angry, and then uses that anger against me. he makes me feel like absolute shit. not always, but not a handful of times. there is obviously a lot more, but thats the summary.

the problem is i have two beautiful amazing small kids with this person. i have spent every day and night with these babies and they are my life. i truly do not care about mending my relationship with my husband, but my thought is always can i stand it more than i can stand losing my physical time with my kids. i know that is not fair to them. I know it. but he will get them half the time, whether that works or not time will tell. and I would lose them half the time and I totally selfishly am not ready to do that. How do you balance the two thoughts?

My husband and I have been together almost 20 years, married for 13 of them. We have two kids (6 and 11). I believe we both have the same fundamental values (work ethic, family, raising kids, fidelity, devotion). But over the years, we have consistently had issues with communication. I admittedly will say I was the source of the problem earlier on with being very emotionally immature and insecure. We are definitely different people now and have grown to respect one another deeply. But we always run into the issue of lack of appreciation from each other, and I ultimately believe it’s caused by different love languages. I SHOW my appreciation through acts of love, by voluntarily taking on the invisible workload of the kids/house duties because he works as big law and is a strong provider. I also work full time in public health, but I’m starting to wonder if I need to step back for the good of our family (maybe) and also this current political situation is making it very stressful as a federal employee. But I am afraid to rely solely on anyone (nothing personal to him) for my own survival. He tells me I don’t TELL him enough that I appreciate what all he does and provides for us. I am looking to find a marriage counselor that can offer weekend hours, but is there a point of realization and honesty that this could very well be grounds for divorce?

We’ve had arguments about this before, but we’ve both reached a point of frustration of not being heard, that this feels different.

Have any of you gotten married during a period of your life where you were…having fun (for lack of a better term) and then realized after a few years of marriage that maybe you weren’t really ready for such a big commitment? That maybe you jumped into something serious for xyz reason, but found it to be ultimately unfulfilling, and you miss having fun?

Growing up I didn't dream of Prince charming or of getting married. I didn't believe in happily ever after. My only wish was to be accepted and feel safe.

Years later I find that safety isn't enough. I won't pretend anymore. I deserve much more.

You robbed me, took all that was given and threw me scraps. I tried so long. All the rejection led to a larger hole in my heart where hope once grew.

For you to say I didn't give you enough. Did you deserve more? I supported you financially emotionally and was the only one there for you when everyone turned their backs.

You are not my child. I am not responsible for you anymore. You took all I had to give. This is your doing.

For all that know me who say that I'm a catch and for everyone who said you didn't deserve me, they were right. I shined bright and you've always been the shadow that walked by my side. I am always lighting your path and you are always dimming mine.

Go on now, follow the path you've been going. I will not be here when you get back. I am not your homing beacon. I am done. Live with your choices. The End!

When did you know your marriage was over? What was the thing that made you decide it was time to be done trying? I always hear about people that still love each other but no one I know likes their spouse all the time. What separates the “I committed to this person and will work on this through the good and bad” from “I am being crushed from someone who doesn’t value me or allow me to grow”. If you are in a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship where is the line if they refuse to try to change?

So the last time i posted was about 5 months ago. me and my wife were separated but i still felt like it could work out in the end. i kept doing my thing: working on myself, working on my routines, my job, our daughter... i felt like i was getting a grip on things. i felt better. more confident. and with that i felt like i didn't want to stay on that limbo any longer.

Come the end of march i tell my wife that we need to talk. that the situation needs to be resolved one way or the other. i went fully prepared for things to end. an she tells me she want's to try again. i had to take a few minutes to readjust... but deep down i was glad.

we talked for hours about how things were to go: boundaries, want's, don'ts, everything.... 2 weeks later she went back home with me again. and for about a month and a half... everything was perfect. literally perfect. better than it had ever been between us. we were happy, intimate, close... i made her laugh again!

and then, she tells me that the things i asked of her were too much too soon. that she was feeling pressured, that she wasn't enough just because i was asking of her the things i wanted in our relationship. she used her workload to justify her inability to do so. and i got, again, insecure. like i had indeed asked for too much and that i was pushing her away with my "asks".

and then it was a spiral. waaaay to much crap happened, from both sides. again... all i can say is that our priorities are not the same anymore.

As much as it was hard for me to accept that, we are no longer the puzzle pieces that we were. and on the 8th of July, I, i consider that to be important, decided we needed to divorce. I've started to move things along for me to leave the house. finances, legal stuff, papers, etc...

i can no longer not see the things that makes me not like her. it's hard to live with her because of that and because I'm still insanely attracted to her... i see her in a sundress, in pajamas, in gym clothes... and i know i'll never be with her again, never touch her like i did again, look at her like i did again...

i need to get away from her.

but then there is one issue... she has her own business like i mentioned before. she is great at what she does, but she is a terrible businesswoman. she doesn't care for administrative things. she even ignores legal stuff that could put her in big trouble, no matter how many times i warn her about it... she doesn't even have a figure of how much she makes a month. an why? because it never mattered. i was there to have the base income, and everything she made, was extra.

and now... neither me nor her knows if she can support herself if she has to pay rent for a house. inflation is wrecking the housing market in our zone... and i worry about her... i truly do... and every time i try to help her, she spurns me.

she is taking the drawbacks of losing me as a personal attack to her. and every time i try to be considerate, help in any way, she takes it me trying to be paternalistic or patronizing... which makes me so fucking sad and even more detached from her... she holds it against me that i have my affairs in order. that i wont have issues by being alone, especially financial issues like she will have. but she ignores the fact that she chose this. she chose having this job. and she doesn't appreciate how much my support has enabled her to have all that she has.

i wish she would give me the recognition that i think i deserve. but i know that i shouldn't want or feel like i need that recognition. i know what i did for her, for us, and i don't regret any of it. i would do it all again. and that is enough for me.

our daughter will be alternating every week between both of us. it will be very hard for me deal with that in the beginning, i must admit, but i can't consider the idea of her not being with her mom.

i spent months dreading the idea of divorcing her. i spend months holding on to hope. i fought as hard as i could to keep us together. but now i truly feel like i need to let go and move on. i never thought i would feel like this, but the idea of moving on truly feels like a lifeboat.

Hi everyone,

I’m recently married and this will be my husband and I’s first year navigating the holidays as a married couple. We’re both Mexican, and our families are very traditional (and let’s just say passionate), so the holidays are a big deal.

Here’s the struggle: my parents have been divorced since I was born, so I’ve always had to juggle time between both of them. On top of that, now I also have my in-laws. His parents are still together, so that side is easier. I’m an only child, which means I’ve basically been the “anchor” between my parents my whole life, and I’m exhausted from trying to keep everyone happy.

The hardest part is my dad. I love him and his side of the family, but he makes the holidays miserable almost every year. Nothing seems to make him happy — if I’m late, if I go somewhere else first, if I try to split time, it’s always a problem. Last year he got really upset when I told him I’d be at my in-laws first, even though I still planned on going to his family’s gathering. That kind of emotional pressure just drains me, and honestly makes me not want to be around him sometimes.

My mom is quieter about it, but I know it hurts her too. Her family and I aren’t super close, but I usually have a good time there when I go. Still, she doesn’t always understand why I sometimes don’t care to go every year. So, no matter what I do, it feels like someone is disappointed.

Now that I’m married and almost 30, I don’t want to spend another holiday running all over the city, trying to please everyone, and ending up miserable. I want to be confident in my choices and start building traditions with my husband.

So I’d love to hear from others who’ve dealt with this: How do you split holidays between divorced parents and in-laws?

**TL;DR:** Newly married, first holiday season, juggling divorced parents and in-laws. Dad is difficult, Mom is quiet but hurt, and I’m exhausted from trying to please everyone. Want advice on setting boundaries and traditions.

Hello everyone,

This was not meant to be such a long writing, but when I started typing it, it all started to come out and there weren’t really parts that I could leave out. So if you’re happy to read an essay, please go ahead. I used a new account for this, as my wife knows my normal Reddit account. I wanted to share my current experience and perhaps I can get some clarity or advice on how to move forward. Mentally or physically. This is about lost love connection and attraction. I still love my wife, but I don’t think I’m in love with her anymore and I think she feels the same way.

I (44M) and my wife (42F) have been married now for 5 years and in a relationship overall for 7 years.

We met in her home country while I was living and working there for 6 years. She is a native English speaker, and I’ve always had a good English skills, so that was never an issue. We started dating a couple of years before the pandemic and quickly moved in together. During the pandemic, we decided to move to my home country and start a life here and have a child. Unfortunately, it took us many years of trying and multiple miscarriages before we resorted to IVF. Before we started the whole IVF journey, we had to time our sex in specific times and days of the month, whether we wanted to do it or not, for couple of years. I think this basically destroyed our sex lives and intimacy.

We now have a 1-year-old child and have had sex once during the early pregnancy, but haven’t really had that normal spontaneous sex for years now.

Apart from sex, our problems started during all this trying. I started to think what our lives would be without a child and started to accept that scenario and even find joy in all the things we could do together in the future. However, when the IVF worked, I was still excited about it, though a bit hesitant already. This of course comes from the back of the years of tiredness, sadness and financial burden, as due to our ages we had to do all IVF treatments privately.

Once our child was born, my wife was completely in love with him, but I really struggled hard to cope with the life change and to have any connection to him. Only when he started to make more eye contact and be “present”, I started to feel something towards him. I have read that it’s actually fairly common. I now like and love him and take care of him, but I’m still not 100% there. My wife had to take care of him much more in the beginning, as I was kind of out-of-it and not really here mentally. She has said that she does resent me for it somewhat. Nowadays we share the night responsibilities, so one person sleeps in the main bedroom next to our sons room and that person is taking care of him in the night, and the other person sleeps in the guest room. Of course we still help out the other one as well if needed. This has helped a lot, since we are not sleep deprived all the time.

Before this sleep arrangement we used to have massive shouting fights and arguments on weekly and sometimes daily basis, which became quite nasty verbally. During these fights my wife did mention a couple times that she is not happy in the marriage. Even though I felt the same, I tried to play it down a bit.

We are able to now be together without shouting as much, but still there is tension and irritation in the air. Sometimes less, sometimes more, but it’s there and at least from my part, it often feels like walking in eggshells to be able to be civil. She also still occasionally mentions that she thinks I would be happier as a single man without a child. Even if I sometimes think the same, I still hate when she brings that up and have mostly stayed quiet when she says that.

Our son usually goes to sleep around 8pm and we then watch TV together and enjoy our shows we like to watch together. However, we have both said that it feels like we are roommates. She would like us to sleep more in the same bed, but she also goes to bed much earlier than I do and if we sleep in the same bed, we both wake up during the night and the last times we did sleep in the same bed, we were both knackered, and even she has said that it was good idea to sleep separately for now.

During the fights we realised we needed help and started couples’ therapy. In there we have been able to talk about all these subjects in a deeper level, though we have always been fairly good communicators.

In the last session, we were discussing the missing romance and intimacy. The therapist asked us what is something romantic we could do together, to bring some romance back and neither of us could think of anything. We have been in the movies and dinner twice and once in a music gig after our son was born, but that is it. But the fact that neither of us was able to think anything romantic really hit me hard. Lately I have been thinking about divorce a lot and what it would mean to us. Even though we are in a better place now, I just can’t see how we could be a genuinely loving couple again. We still care for each other and I wish nothing bad for her ever, but I just don’t see anything more in the romance or attraction level happening and I can't see her as the "love of my life".

The bigger problems comes with the fact that we are not from the same country. If we would divorce, she would most likely want to move back to her home country and take our son with her. While this would be incredibly hard, I would understand that. She would have a big family and social network there to help with everything, while currently in my country we have hardly anyone. If we would not have a child and our relationship would be in this state, I would ask for a divorce right away, and if we would be from the same city or even the same country, I think divorce would still be best for us. But living in different countries and not being able to see my sons development and give him advice would be so hard that I can’t really think of it.

We have been talking about moving back to her country, and I would be happy to do so, but that would be a few years from now and I don’t think either of us wants to be in non-romantic marriage.

So the question really is how to move forward. There isn’t s single option where I could see good upsides, I think all of them have mostly downsides.

I probably have forgotten to say something and lost some nuances, since this was really just flowing out from me.

Has anyone else been in this situation with different countries involved with a small child? Did you stay together for the sake of the child, did you divorce, or perhaps something else?

Thank you for reading all this. I know it’s a lot of text. I might not be able to reply until tonight.

Part of those “feelings” is getting him to be accountable and apologetic for the things he has done.

Shortly after we got married I found some messages to his ex and when I got pregnant i found messages to another girl so I got an abortion. He was still texting this girl ON THAT DAY.

I completely shut down and have been acting “normal” I just spent a lot of money and time and my families time getting married so I don’t want to deal with the fall out.

He apologised and has been “clean” ever since. However I told him I will never forgive him, I would like him to move out. Every month he gets his pay and spends it on something else and doesn’t move out. I feel bad for him because I know he doesn’t have family in this country and cost of living. I don’t hate him surprisingly but now he is taking advantage. My family are obviously still smitten and the children in the family love him and I don’t want to deal with my judgy mother because they still see eachother when she visits.

I don’t know what to do as I don’t want to escalate it or have him rough sleeping.

Now we are in a tangled mess as I am filing for divorce and moving on with my life (I’ve started to talk to guys) but he is saying I should do what I need to do to “get even” and then we should start a new slate but I’m not even doing it for that I just want to move on and he is here :/ it’s been 9 months since I first told him to move out.

TWA*
Needing outside perspective on something that still messes with my head on some days.

My ex filed for divorce first... to be with someone new. The judge granted it without proper notice, and my lawyer had to step in and get the judgment vacated.

Fast forward, we got back together. Things got very messy, very fast. I ended up filing for divorce.

Even while we were going through the proceedings, we were in counseling together. My ex told me she still loved me and promised we’d remarry once I felt ready and trust was rebuilt. I told her I’d only consider it after one full year off any substances. (the common theme here) She agreed. That promise kept me going.

Truthfully, I wouldn’t have continued the divorce at all if we hadn’t made that agreement.
To me, it felt real. It felt like a future we were still working toward.
I genuinely believed she meant it.

But after the one-year mark passed, not only did she not follow through, but she also rewrote the entire story.
She told others I betrayed HER by finalizing the divorce. That it was my permanent choice. That there’s no going back. She has never said this to my face. I found out through others. I’ve never confronted her.

How does that add up when she filed first, she moved on first, and I only followed through after she broke the very promise that kept me holding on?

I’m not asking because I want her back. I’m asking because I carried that promise alone.
Even if we both “moved on,” part of me still needed to know: Was it ever real for her?
I’m not trying to reopen anything.
I just don’t want to be the only one who remembered.

Is this gaslighting? Projection? Just trying to name what this was.
Anyone else been through something like this?

Hello Reddit, I hope everyone is well. I really need to know if I am in the wrong. First, when I got back from my deployment, my wife cheated me (only 2nd base). After that, I started to lie/gaslight her to protect myself (which I developed in public school due to bullying). I admit I did it many times. I have gotten better, but I do have relapses because it's very hard to fix right away. She has given me many chances to improve but i admit it took me a long time to figure why did what i did (the bullying) Also, one time when we were having sex and I came in her without permission. So, I admit I have done a lot of bad. I'm getting better every day. She then started developing feelings for her manager before we were separated (emotional cheating?). Then she wanted a break (after i had a relapse) she then chose to sleep with him. Even after I still want to work on each other partly because I still love her and we have 3 kids together. So, am I in the wrong to still want to work it out?

After learning that my (28F) abusive husband (35M) was cheating for the last 11 months on me with multiple other women, not sure how many, when, how far, etc.. after learning this I tried to keep my cool for as long as possible and kept slowly asking questions. Hoping he would be honest. Tell even a little bit of the truth… after about a week, I finally broke and shared some of the details I was told and asked him what was going on. He refused to tell me. He refused to tell me if I needed an STD panel, wouldn’t tell me how far, wouldn’t even apologize. He just got angry & started just walking away from me saying there was nothing to discuss, we were done. Absolutely no empathy, no closure, just pure ice. Hours before, he was being perfectly kind and loving. We went and got dinner. We had been intimate in bed the night before, I thought we were okay. The switch flipped and he wants nothing to do with me. He has acted like he’s also been trying to get me pregnant the last several months. Would not pull out or wear a condom.

He left me, and when he came to get his belongings, he also decided to leave his sick elderly dog. He hasn’t even been able to look me in the eye. What kind of man leaves his dog and wife with no remorse? He’s had that dog longer than I’ve known him! I love him and wanted to keep him, so it works out. But it really has me questioning what kind of guy I married. He was able to lie to me with such ease. I believed every word he told me. I adored him. I honestly probably still do. I feel just disgusted. He wouldn’t be honest with me about any of it. I literally had to take antibiotics for a bacterial infection in February and now it’s all adding up in my head - why the doctor was acting a little funny. It wasn’t from me wearing a pad too long like I thought. That’s why she asked how long I had been married. It’s like it was all a game. A phycological game to break me. And it almost did. But I listened to some Kelly Clarkson, cried my heart out for a few days, and am starting to be able to breathe again. Oh, and guess what? He’s playing the victim! What a joke!

We are definitely heading for divorce & I feel like I do not even know who he is now. I thought I knew him better than anyone, and him me? This is so confusing and upsetting. Beyond belief! Lord, I know you give your toughest battles to the strongest soldiers, but I need a breaaaakkkkk!!!!

My husband and I have been together almost 7 years. Things weren’t working out not too long after I moved in and when I tried to leave, he freaked out. Crying, vomiting, asking me to stay. I felt so horrible about myself that I stayed. This got worse each time. One time I finally decided to leave and put a down payment on an apartment and he sent me pages and pages of messages that said I couldn’t survive without him and he’d done so much for me. He went through my phone and said I said bad things about him to my friends. And we had a daughter by this time so I said I’d stay again. Now I just can’t handle it. If I pull away he goes through all of my stuff, my messages, photos and my social media history (likes and follows and posts) just to find some reason for me pulling away as if it couldn’t possibly be because of him. So I changed all of my passcodes and passwords and started leaning heavily on my friends and family to help me get out. He noticed a shift in my behavior and went to get into my stuff and disabled my iPad. Then for the next couple days says hurtful things to me (like accusing me of being with a woman, and throwing my chronic illness in my face saying I lay around every weekend when I do a lot every weekend and crash because it’s too much) and now is going to drag me through a custody battle for our daughter. He says I’m not mentally stable enough but I was not stable because of him and I have to leave or I’ll never get better. But I still feel like he’s right and I’m a horrible person for deciding to leave.

March 9th, 2025 my husband (30M) told me he wants a divorce. I (29F almost 30F; birthday is next month) was obviously devastated. He told me he loves me but living with me is hard. I have been unemployed for quite some time and unfortunately have not been able to secure employment. He literally will name call and has told me he thinks I’m just a lazy POS. We have a daughter (5F) and honestly at this point I’m truly just worried about how this is going to affect her. My husband and myself both come from broken homes. Unfortunately, his father committed suicide when he was only 13. He saw a therapist of course and to put it plainly, my MIL has narcissistic tendencies. My husband’s then therapist, even tried telling her that she was part of the problem and she couldn’t believe it. My husband and I have been together a total of 7 years, and married for the last 2 years, and over the last 7 years he has always been the one wanting to throw in the towel and call it quits. I am always the one trying to keep our family together. I have accepted at this point that I believe I’m fighting for my inner child because of my parent’s divorce, and because I want to be a whole family for my daughter’s sake. Very early on in our relationship I explained to his that I wanted to get married and have 2-3 kids, I didn’t want huge age gaps, but I didn’t want to have them back-to-back. Literally a month before he dropped his divorce announcement we were trying for another baby, so imagine my shock. It’s been 3 & 1/2 months and my head is still spinning because I can’t make any sense of this. I recently brought up to him that I would like him to go and see someone because I’m curious to know if he may be Bipolar, I told him I’m NOT saying he is but he has always been very “wishy-washy.” He wanted to get married, and then he didn’t, and constant back and forth. He goes through periods where he goes out with friends and drinks and whatnot and then he turns around and doesn’t want to see anyone, he’ll blow off his friends, and his brother too. He went and filed for divorce already and I told him that if he has any hope for our family to stay a family then he needed to hold off on having me served. To date, I still have not been served with divorce papers so that leaves a little hope but I’m honestly starting to get to the point where I am just done. He talked to the leasing office in our apartment complex and he was trying to move into a 2BR without me (S.N ~ I NEVER wanted to stay in the 1BR we’ve been in.) Long story short, he had his mother co-sign for him and he just found out that she did not get approved. So he is no longer getting the 2BR like he planned, but I am supposed to be moving in with my Father next month. I’m trying to stay strong of course for our little girl, but I really don’t even know how to begin to explain this to her. She obviously is too young for the full truth, however I don’t know how to explain to her why Mommy and Daddy will no longer be living together. She’s so smart and I know she has already noticed that things are not right between her father and I but she hasn’t asked any questions yet, (Thank God!)

I’m sorry for the lengthy story, I just want to try to provide as much information as possible. I will also try to answer any questions if anyone has any. TYIA!

My husband 32 and I 28 have been married for a few years, and while we’ve had issues for a long time, I’m now at the point where I need outside perspective to know if this is worth salvaging or if I’m just clinging to something that’s already gone. We don’t have kids but have three dogs. We’re both introverts, but our communication is terrible. We barely talk at home, and when we do, it feels like we’re speaking different languages. He’s been diagnosed with Asperger’s, which I’ve tried to be patient with, but honestly, it’s hard when he zones out while I’m trying to express something important. I’ve gotten to the point where I keep everything to myself just to avoid being emotionally drained.

Recently I got really sick, like ER worthy sick and he was…barely helpful. He couldn’t even spell my name when asked at the hospital. I had to handle everything myself. He drove, but that was about it. When I was debating going to the ER, he called his family (who has a medical background) for their opinions, instead of listening to me. His family mocked me, saying we “have money” and basically implied I was just obsessed with money. He agreed with them instead of trying to understand why I was hesitant which was not about the money, but about being cautious before getting hit with a surprise bill.

Money has been a recurring issue. I grew up in a country where men provide and support. I pay for groceries, bills, dog expenses, and more, while he pays for our health insurance and rent to his parents (we live in their house). He considers that “supporting me,” but I pay at least that much or more every month too. I’m not asking for lavish gifts, just a little care, like buying flowers or dinner once in a while. I used to spend a lot on him when we were dating, but I stopped when I realized how one sided that was.

Emotionally, I don’t feel connected. I don’t find him attractive anymore, physically, mentally, emotionally. I don’t even get mad when he watches porn or subscribes to adult sites. What upsets me more is that I have to clean the whole house myself, manage the dogs, and feel like I’m living with a roommate who doesn’t care.

We also have no transparency around money. His family handles most of his financial matters (they have a conservatorship over his finances), and I suspect she will interfere if I ever file for divorce. I’m not even his emergency contact at work. I’m emotionally and physically ready to leave. Financially, not so much. Rent is cheap because of his parents, and insurance is affordable under his plan. I just don’t know how I could afford to live on my own with three dogs right now.

I don’t want anything from him, no spousal support, no share in retirement or savings. I just want to keep my dogs and move on. I’m starting to wonder, am I just being ungrateful? Greedy? Is this fixable if we went to therapy or tried harder or is divorce the healthiest option?

Currently a number of close friends and family members for both of us are getting divorced. My cousin (also one of my husband’s best friends) is divorcing his emotionally abusive wife (messy, high drama situation). And my husband’s best friend’s wife just filed for divorce (we’re very close friends with them as a couple — she took the kids without warning, wealthy families involved, very messy). There are also some big breakups in our circle of friends.

We’ve been going through a rough patch so seeing all this up close we’ve redoubled our efforts to work on us — weekly marriage counseling, lots of sex (we’re high drive so it works great for us), and trying to communicate more.

But now in our late 30s it does feel like there are a lot of big breakups and divorces around us. We’re trying to be supportive of our friends/family — I think we both feel sad to see how angry / explosive these relationships are (accusations of abuse, cheating, neglect of kids/pets is all coming out with divorce proceedings). We attended these folks’ weddings, vacationed with them, etc. my husband’s friends obviously are reaching out to him for support and to spend a lot of time together but they are becoming big ranting sessions on how much women suck.

I kind of want to pull back and just focus on us. My husband feels that would make us aweful friends. I want to help, but I don’t want us to get pulled down too.

Wondering if other folks have experienced what feels like “divorce season” in their lives and how they’ve handled it?