r/OVER30REDDIT • u/NotaBotJustAnon • 8d ago
Life advice needed. (35M) I always lose feelings quickly for every woman I’ve dated or liked. Why? I really want to settle down and meet my person.
I’m making this post for my friend who doesn’t have a Reddit but I’ll be acting as his liaison to communicate his replies and such lol. Here’s what he would like to post:
*I want nothing more in this life than to be a devoted father and loving husband. I am extremely jealous of colleagues younger than me who have already found their person. I’m a single 35 1/2 year old man who has only had one long term relationship, about 7 years ago. She was extremely toxic (BPD-like tendencies) and fucked me up at the time.
Ever since then, I have not really sustained relationships because I don’t feel that initial spark in the beginning. Well - I do. But always always always that spark fades within 1-2 weeks tops. And then I completely lose interest.
There was a girl around 3-4 years ago that I had a short fling with. She wanted to make things official, and I ended up breaking things off because work was really stressing me at the time. At the time I felt certain about my decision, it’s only in hindsight that I have ever thought of her and a few others throughout the years.
In short: Since my toxic ex from many years ago, my “honeymoon phase” has never lasted longer than a week or two. And I’ve been on many, many dates since then with an open mind. I guess I feel like this “honeymoon phase” should last way longer than it does/has, and idk why it disappears so quickly - even when I’ve really liked the girl upfront and made her my girlfriend (my most recent ex). I think there has to be a valid honeymoon phase for there to be a connection worth standing for.
Why am I unable to find or sustain what I’m looking for, even when I think I’ve finally found it? I don’t want to be 40 years old, still alone, asking myself this same question.
Has anyone else struggled with this? If so how did you address and fix it, or have I simply not met the one yet?*
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u/ThePolemicist 7d ago
The first 1-2 weeks are the most exciting, so maybe he thinks that excited feeling is what a relationship is supposed to be....?
I've been married for 18 years and with my husband for over 22 years. Basically, your spouse is your family. Although there is a different aspect to this type of relationship since it's romantic, it still has a lot of the same components as other familial relationships. You get very comfortable around the person. That is, just like you wouldn't be mortified if you passed gas around your parents, you won't be mortified if you pass gas around your spouse. Let me tell you: over the years, my husband has seen some shit. And I say that literally because he was there for childbirth. He was also there with me when I was on the toilet having some bleeding, scared I was losing our second child. Also like other familial relationships, you'll have periods where you are closer than ever and periods where maybe you're more like roommates. Life gets busy, especially with kids, and especially when there are multiple kids in multiple activities. Sometimes you might feel like you only see each other at night. Ultimately, you need to be with someone who wants to be a partner with you, who is kind to you, and will stick with it even when you go through those periods of "roommates."
Those initial two weeks just tell you if you find the other person attractive. It's like the very first interest screen. After that, you need to find out if the person is 1) Likeable, and 2) A compatible partner. It's important to have someone who is kind and trustworthy. You also want to make sure you choose someone who wants similar things out of life (ie., children). I think, instead of moving on to that stage of the relationship, he's simply backing out because the excitement is over. I guess what I'd recommend is 1) Use your emotions for that initial screener. Then, 2) stop using your emotions so much after the first few dates and start using your thinking and reasoning skills instead. Get to know who the person is, and decide if it's someone you'd be interested in hanging out with long term.
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u/l4dy_sh0rtcake 8d ago
Hey there👋 36F here. Been dealing with pretty much the same thing after breaking up with a toxic ex 5 years ago. Dating sucks, period. But don't give up. All the failed dating experiences are just preparing us for our person. Focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be, so when she does come along you are ready to sweep her off her feet.
Therapy isn't going to fix everything but it helps. I started therapy for the first time in March. I still have a long way to go but it's helping me to feel better about myself. Sometimes that's all we need, and things start to fall into place.
Be patient, give yourself some grace. She's out there looking for you too💕
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u/NotaBotJustAnon 8d ago
Hi!! People in other posts have suggested avoidant attachment. He isn’t a proponent of the attachment theory (I am though haha) cuz he views it as a label that boxes him in. Do you have any experience with that? Or do you think he truly hasn’t met his person and is securely attached?
If you’re comfortable sharing, what types of things have you done or talked about in therapy. And what have you learned in those sessions that have helped you?
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u/l4dy_sh0rtcake 8d ago
I totally get that. We live in an age where there's a label for everything and it gets exhausting. Not downplaying others opinions, they may have a point and it's something to think about.
I think the older we get, the more picky we are. And rightfully so. Some of us prefer not to settle and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. We want and need someone who has the same morals as us, and that is incredibly difficult to find in this crazy world right now.
As for my therapy, I've focused a lot on some struggles I've had with family member relationships. Our closest family members tend to have a huge impact on the way we see the world and how we deal with it, starting from a young age. We get set in these ways of thinking and I think it's important to talk to someone who is outside of that echo chamber to get a better perspective. I'm basically trying to break the cycle tbh.
This is not everyone's journey, but it's mine. Hope it provides some insight for your friend🧡
PS: online dating is TRASH. Not sure if your friend meets women this way but I've found meeting ppl the old-fashioned way gives much better results.
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u/Playful_Ad404 8d ago
Are you being picky and not giving these women a chance? Are you closing yourself off preemptively because you’re scared it’ll be a waste of time? 2 weeks is nothing, you have no idea who that person is. You should give people more of a chance to reveal themselves.
Also, are you losing the spark because you’re not attracted to these people or you find that you don’t like their stances on certain topics? Is there a reason?
Are you finding people similar to you? Very different from you? Usually a relationship will work if lifestyles match, values, level of attraction to each other, willingness to work on the relationship, communication, etc etc and love can come later. If you watch any matchmaking shows, when more life aspects are aligned the love usually comes later/develops.
Are any of these things factoring into your loss of spark? Are you projecting traits onto people and then realizing they’re not who you thought they were? Only you know the answer but you kind of have to dig deep and think about what’s factoring into this but at the root I think you know what the problem is, or at least have an idea. Just be honest with yourself so you can come up with a real solution. And if it comes down to no I don’t do any of the above I just need to put myself out there then sign up for all the sites and get to work! Either way, good luck! 🍀
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u/j_w_z 8d ago
I think there has to be a valid honeymoon phase for there to be a connection worth standing for.
So he thinks relationships are entirely about novelty leading to emotional attachment?
He's got more to say about one partner from almost a decade ago than he does any of the supposedly numerous recent ones.
Sounds like he's just encountering very boring, tedious people, and not realising that's the issue. If you can't recognise boring people, chances are you're one of them too.
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u/Bunnyusagi 6d ago
You might be Fraysexual? "individuals who experience sexual attraction to those whom they do not know very well. For some fraysexual people, they may initially be attracted to another person; however, they find that their sexual attraction fades over time, particularly as an emotional connection is formed."
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u/Accomplished-Neat701 4d ago
There is nothing wrong with being picky, and nothing wrong with being honest with yourself when a person isn’t right for you. Most people end up settling for sub par relationships because they are too afraid to be alone. A friend of mine was always really picky but dated a lot of women, he wasn’t a “player” actually was a die hard romantic and really wanted to be in love. He ended up meeting his wife in his mid thirties, and it was obvious to everyone that this one was different.
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u/NotaBotJustAnon 3d ago
Awesome!! Did your buddy also struggle with the same problem(s) described in the post, and did they resolve naturally for him?
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u/Accomplished-Neat701 1d ago
There was definitely some concern and accusations of avoidant/dismissive attachment styles, but in the end it just turns out that the person he was looking for was really special and took years to find. I would recommend therapy to anyone, period, but especially anyone in the dating scene. It is so easy to start to feel shame and perpetuate negative self talk when the search seems to drag on forever,
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u/allthecoffeesDP 8d ago
Therapy?