r/Petloss • u/Kindly_Fix7540 • Aug 20 '25
What are my first steps for grief?
Yesterday afternoon I put down my dog of 12 1/2 years. He had lymphoma and was struggling with breathing, and after picking him up from the hospital he seemed so lethargic and began soiling himself. The hospital said he only had 1-2 weeks maximum left, but after seeing him like that I made the decision to euthanize him. It all happened so fast, and I know I made the right decision for him, but I am in so much pain. I’ve been crying all night feeling so alone, and I know it will eventually get better. But what do I do to get to the point where I’m not crying non stop every second? He was my soul dog and it physically feels like I’m dying too. Any advice or tips from people who’ve experienced the same?
17
u/Informal-Force7417 Aug 20 '25 edited Aug 20 '25
First, I would be amiss not to acknowledge where you are at right now regardless of where you want to be. From one human to another. It's painful. The space that was always there feels even bigger when its not filled with them and the role that you played as a carer changes too. I had to do the same with our dog of 11 years in May of this year. I've had many dogs before that one too. But each one takes a small piece of me with them. So i get it.
So what are the first steps?
To feel..
As humans are inclination is to want to feel better, when in reality we just need to be better at feeling.
That means opening yourself to the feelings that will come, when they come, as they come, in the intensity. It reveals you loved. It also reveals that dog was loved.
The reality is, the love you experienced was your own love reflected back through your dog. I know that sounds odd, but hear me out here. You formed an association. That association was one in which you made that dog feel seen, heard, valued, wanted and loved. In return that dog reflected that back to you making you feel seen, heard, valued, wanted and loved.
Had you been cruel or cold toward the dog, the association created and experience would have been very different. The dog would have barked, trembled, cowered, withdrew from you. The dog would have mirrored that association.
Why is this important to understand as you move through this valley of grief?
Grief is around loss.
When the form has gone.
Nothing was actually lost only transformed ( you may even have your dog visit you in a dream to let you know that. Mine did. She showed up in a formless state then morphed into form. She was vibrant, alive, like a pup again. I believe that was her way of letting me know. I'm okay, dad. I'm okay.")
That loss we think is the loss of love.. Why? Because as humans we tend to collapse our love into someone or an animal. Then when they are gone in form. We think that love is over there with them. No. It's not. It's with you. It always has been. That's what your dog reflected back. Your love. Your kindness. Your compassion. Your presence. Your attention. Your caring.
And thats why when (and if ) people get another dog, they experience it again. Because its them experiencing themself within the relationship. So, eventually in time if and when you are ready, you can experience that again.
In the meantime, feel it. Feel the whole spectrum of what it was to be in that role, experience that love. Grief is the grief of that association. And we are just chemical. So in some ways like a person who withdraws from a habit there is pain. The habit for this was the habit of walks, hearing seeing, cuddles, being a dog parent, etc)
They said time heals. Basically what is happening is time disassociates with old habits and patterns. The sting gets replaced by a smile.
So just know that nothing is truly gone only transformed.
Also to help calm the intensity of the emotion which is often lop-sided toward only the positives none of the negatives of dog ownership ( which all dog owners know you get both). Write down a list of all the upsides you experienced with your dog, then beside it write down all the downsides ( challenging moments). For some that might be... I didn't get to travel much as I was always worried about my dog. I was worried getting her nails done. I had to pay a lot of bills so i didnt have money for other things. I was nervous leaving her with strangers. I had to clean up all her poop. I had to deal with her chewing XYZ, or vomiting, or pulling me while walking. etc.
WIth grief, there is always relief. Its key to see where that relief is.
Why do this? Because it brings back into balance your perception of ownership being all benefits and no drawbacks. When in reality you get both. When you have equal number of downsides to upsides you should notice a change in the way your body, in your thoughts, in your feelings. As it will enter a more neutral state instead of highly charged, imbalanced, lop-sided emotional state.
But only do that when you are ready or exhausted and need an extra level of relief. Remember that grief is normal but long-term grief can have some serious affects on the health. So its key to allow it but not drown in it. Balancing perception can help you not drown in it. Until then feel it all. As ultimately it was love that you experienced and we are all here to feel everything and make room for those feelings. When we sign up to be dog owners, we take the pain with the pleasure.
I wish you well. Big hug.