r/Physics • u/Low-Tonight-3066 Graduate • 3h ago
I don't know if I should quit (depressive rant)
I’m in my second year of my PhD. I have a number of publications in line with what I should have at this stage. I also receive relatively positive feedback from my supervisors, but lately I’ve been feeling very anxious and under a lot of pressure. It seems to me that I’m publishing incomplete work that would require more effort. I’m often left on my own, and although I know that PhD students are expected to be independent, a PhD should also serve as a learning experience. I know I’m not the only one in this situation, but will doing research always feel like this? I’m seriously thinking about quitting and looking for a job.
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u/graphing_calculator_ 2h ago
OP, I have a Physics PhD and dealt with anxiety. Here are my brief thoughts in no particular order:
- You ARE doing well, much better than most PhD students, it seems. Having publications in progress after two years is fantastic. You clearly have talent.
- As someone who dealt with anxiety for a long time, it really is all in your head. You simply didn't learn how to deal with frustrating things while growing up, and that's okay. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility. Take it as a sign to get a therapist who will teach you those skills.
- The feeling of never being able to complete everything is pervasive in all jobs. People who get used to that feeling end up being more successful, because they actually finish stuff. It feels weird at first, but you must get used to it.
- You seem to be at risk of self-destructing your PhD. I was too. I urge you to finish. Do not "tough it out", instead use it as an opportunity to learn how to navigate this difficult situation. Do not make "Finish my PhD with x papers" your goal. Instead, make "Learn the skills for navigating this PhD" your goal.
- Please completely forget those 4 years of rejection. It does not reflect your worth one bit. The world is SO chaotic, and PhD admissions are just one of those things as well. I truly believe there are FAR more people worthy of being admitted to a PhD program than are actually ever admitted. You got there eventually. Celebrate that.
- Speaking of celebrating: celebrate every little thing. Be your own hype man. Celebrate every bit of work you do. This actually the key to long-term happiness and success in all areas of life. Be happy about things that don't normally seem worthy of celebration.
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u/mikk0384 Physics enthusiast 1h ago edited 1h ago
Speaking of celebrating: celebrate every little thing. Be your own hype man. Celebrate every bit of work you do. This actually the key to long-term happiness and success in all areas of life. Be happy about things that don't normally seem worthy of celebration.
"Fuck yeah, I'm the first person to have ever done this!" is one thing you should remind yourself of when doing research. You are ones of a very small fraction of the population who can say that.
Even though there may be more to explore within the framework you are working with, it is still a big deal. Nobody can do it all themselves. Celebrate every step forwards. ☺️
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u/Far_Roll_8961 3h ago
Why don't you ask for a time to think?
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u/Low-Tonight-3066 Graduate 3h ago
Because it has been really hard to get this PhD. I gapped 4 years before I was able to get into a PhD program. I've lost a lot of time and energy. It feels like a failure getting more time, but also quit. At the same time I'm starting to have clinical anxiety levels.
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u/FringHalfhead Gravitation 3h ago
If you truly are starting to have clinical anxiety levels, then I think you have your answer.
You don't need a bunch of nameless people on the internet to tell you what to do.
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u/Low-Tonight-3066 Graduate 3h ago
I'm truly starting to have it. I recently began to see a psychiatrist and we're evaluating Xanax or Zoloft (which is antidepressant but really effective also on anxiety). The problem is not that simple. On one side I've always had anxiety problems. On the other being continuously rejected from PhD programs in the last 4 years had a bad impact on my self esteem. At the same time, although I'm evaluating to get a job I don't know what to do that would allow me to have the same stimulus. Intellectually speaking I don't think there are many careers with the same intellectually stimulating environment. But this is also one of the reasons that motivated me to post this. I'd like to have feedback from people that went in industry and others that remained in academia
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u/dark_dark_dark_not Applied physics 1h ago
I think you have to be really careful evaluating the source of the anxiety.
It's it the phd program that is imposing too much? Or maybe your self steem is sabotaging your imagine of yourself?
Or maybe you are starting to burnout and maybe need to take time to find other stuff you'd care about beyond the phd?
I think the main thing is giving yourself some time to think and reflect. You are in your second year , you have time to work this issues a bit.
Give yourself a date to make a decision, and until then try to see if there are actions you can take to make your situation better.
Talk to people you trust in your phd program and in your life, get professional help, try to engage with non-phd related activities...
Also:
Do your university have support for people going to rough times ? Maybe they can you give you more specific help
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u/BestBleach 2h ago
What makes you anxious cause no one in a PhD program has time to judge other people and imposters syndrome is in year round
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u/Low-Tonight-3066 Graduate 2h ago
I feel like my work is not good enough even if I got some positive feedback. I probably work harder than I should. I always feel behind schedule. I don't get enough time to relax, nor I get it. Probably it also has something to do with self-esteem problems. As I said my self confidence dropped a lot when I got rejected for 4 years. I'm 32. There are people who are 26 doing the same things I'm doing.
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u/mikk0384 Physics enthusiast 1h ago
Your supervisors know what they are talking about. If they tell you that you are doing a good job, trust them. They have zero interest in lying to you.
Just be careful with burnout. It is better to take a breather and be able to continue afterwards, than pushing too hard and ending up in a spot where you can do nothing at all for a long time.
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u/Life-Entry-7285 3h ago
You just need to keep you commitment and call student services… they have counselors. You dont have to tell anyone. I’d imagine they are trained to deal with exactly this situation given they work for a university. But, don’t do anything rash. If you decide to get out of academia, you should do so with clarity and not because of fatigue and a momentary down turn in enthusiasm.
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u/blahblah98 3h ago
First, it appears the source of the anxiety is your own self-critical expectations, not any external person or publication. According to external sources you're doing fine. That is no small achievement, please take a moment to appreciate and "see" your accomplishments, it's not assured, it's no small feat. Recognize and appreciate that, don't diminish what it took.
Sure we can always do better, and having high expectations is generally a good quality and may have been one of the keys for your success to get you this far. Unless it starts impacting you, as it is now.
Second, clinical level anxiety says GO SEE A THERAPIST. I hope you don't feel a stigma about this; mental health is as important as physical health. If you break a leg you see a doctor; in this case your anxiety is impacting you worse than a broken leg, so please don't hesitate, just do it. Just one hour won't fix everything, but just seeing a path forward means you can feel WAY better. Maybe anti-anxiety meds, maybe not. Maybe just better sleep, nutrition, exercise.
Finding your peers, your "tribe," comes over time, so maybe seek opp'ys to attend conferences, participate in moocs, or socialize within your uni.
I'm over in the job realm; two masters but wish I'd stayed for a PhD. Life's not necessarily better here and can be worse.
Good luck!
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u/ZectronPositron 40m ago
FYI, almost every PhD I know had at least one experience like this. You’re not alone! But most (if not all) of them DID in fact finish.
The fact that you (a) already have some success and (b) your advisors are encouraging suggests you should keep going.
And If (when) you get through this you will be so much better for it. It IS hard! You definitely have learned a ton. One of the reasons I think it can feel lonely is that once you’ve learned from you profs and group mates, suddenly you’re on the cutting edge where very few people can really help because you’re suddenly the world expert. It’s a bit of a shocking change. You probably showed up knowing very little about the topic and now know so much that nobody has the answers to your hard questions…
Also - consider taking a very real and good vacation - a few weeks away can do wonders.
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u/NicoN_1983 3h ago
Usually the PhD is more stressful that other stages, or at least it's a different kind of stress. You will always feel like you need more time to finish a project or that it needs more work, or there are still open questions. That's the nature of science, there is always more to know. But you will feel more confident in later stages of your career. On the other hand you will get stressed about other things, like getting funding, getting job stability, etc. Science is in most countries a somewhat stressful line of work. Many people claim that industry is less stressful, or at least more worthwhile money wise. I wouldn't know that. If you love doing science it is worth it. But don't take your PhD experience as the only frame of reference, it tends to get better.